Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Tobey Mcguire upset after being called "cat man"
"Then they called me the cat man", explains the Spiderman star, "I was eating dinner and eventually they called me the cat man." explains the frusterated Cider House Rules star, "I was eating cat food." explains Tobey Mcguire, "I wanted to make a joke back at them, like a comeback." explains the Kirsten Dunst love interest in Spiderman. "I thought of saying like, Well the cat man do... and then I couldn't really come up with an ending, or a point." explains the actor.
When asked for opinions the town that Tobey was in were split. Ernie from the corner store says Tobey bought some candy, so Ernie was calling him the candy man; "I like that name better, got more of a ring to it. If the boy wants to eat cat food, so be it, then someone just give him some candy. "If I had that kind of money, I'm more of a pork chop, if you see Tobey tell him to try a pork chop, and then a candy." Says Ernie, "Woops, did I say I'm a pork chop? I meant to say I'm a pork chop man."
-by Jonathan Ernst Helm, NY Times, June 4, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Also you can follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/thegreatgatsby I'm hilarious over there. Thanks for visiting. Happy 5th of July.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Regarding my recent unnanounced hiatus from professional literary humour blogging.
My babies, I have been very busy. A while back I was asked to punch up the script for the recently released Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, starring Matthew Mcauhnehay and Jennifer Garner. As we neared release time my life proved too hectic for any creative endeavours. If you see the film, here are some of the scenes I wrote that I'm most proud of:
EXT. PARK. DAY.
Uh, so just how many girls have you dated?
Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything...
About as many as how many people live there.
Tina! what are you doing here!
Who's this girl?
This is... uh... this is my old college roomate... her name is uhh... (looks around room) chips and dip!
Your college roomate was a beautiful woman named chips and dip?
What can I say, I went to art school?
...Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Oh, you don't think Frasier is funny, oh really? Because it only won eight writing emmys, but I guess you know better than television professionals. I bet these 'comedy connoisseurs' even laughed when I pretended like I don't know how to spell Matthew Mcconaughey. Yeah, because I've never heard of this thing called google. Lol. I gotta get back to this, hang on...
There's a lot more Jim, and pretty much if you give me any name of a celebrity I can probably make an economy joke about it. It would help if they're involved in some sort of controversy though, like being crazy or fat. Shit, hang on...
It's the end of the movie, and Matthew Maacahnny just chased Jennifer Garner up to the top of the CN tower.
If you love Nancy and Jess and all those other girls so much why don't you just go be with them!
You see this? you see how much I care about them!
Matthew gets out his little black book with all of the ladies phone numbers and rips it up and throws it off the building. Then they kiss and the camera spins around. The end. And that's a bad movie because it makes people happy and hopeful that true love might exist.
The sooner you can get me writing for people who are normal and went to college and don't watch Ingmar Bergman films, the better.
All my best, and give my love to your wife, Drew Barrymore's friend,
Tom (d) Henry
Friday, May 1, 2009
To celebrate this special occasion 'Slim' and I sat down for an email conversation about music and life, unfortunately he never answered his questions, while I slaved away answering his. Here it is Tom Henry, Slim Twig:
ST: Tom, in October you posted an interesting interview you did with Modern Guitars Magazine that made several references to guitar virtuoso Greg Howe. What is your opinion of virtuosos musical or otherwise? Do you consider yourself a virtuoso of the blog scene? Lastly, how did Howe respond to your negative assessments & were you successful in uncorking an interdisciplanary virtuoso beef?
TH: I've always thought of myself as the Kevin Eubanks of blogging. Eubanks is the wisest of all guitar virtuosos, he's had to listen to every single Leno monologue for the past twenty years. when you live through Leno monologues, twenty minutes becomes a week, and when you add that up Kevin Eubanks is something like 150 years old. I also appreciate that he never plays a song over fifteen seconds long, These guys like Howe think it's cool to play songs that go into the three and four minute range.
As for Howe, I don't think you can really call it a beef, it's more of a 50 cent/ Ja Rule situation. He's through. I single handedly took a guitar rif master and rendered him less cool than a drummer. The only sessions Greg Howe is taking part in now are in Lance Bass and Clay Aitkens new "band" if you know what I mean. I mean that he's gay and not in the good way - in the inappropriate derogatory way.
ST: Your fascination with celebrity has seen you defaming everyone from Jay Leno to Seth Rogen. Still, I notice you haven't taken a crack at many celebrity musicians or musician / actors (Russell, Keanu, Bruce etc...). Are you intimidated by the possibility of a battle of the bands or rock-off challenge? What about a dance off?
TH: Rogen and I actually made up. He's casting me in his new movie, I play a guy who thinks women are hot and likes beer/weed.
Regarding the actor/musicians you mentioned, they all tend to have large muscles and/or the ability to download karate moves, so you pick your battles.
I'd be open to a rock off but I'd have to set a few ground rules; no instruments, no sounds made with mouth, no noise allowed for that matter, no body movements. Did I mention I was regional standing champion '98-'99? The rules for the dance off would be very similar.
ST: Recently you collaborated with local photographer, and Toronto music scene documentarian Danielle Nemet (of Sombre Reptiles photoblog fame). Do you find the local music scene to be at all inspiring? Do you go to 'gigs' with any regularity?
TH: I do frequent Toronto gigs. What really bothers me about Toronto's music scene is the lack of adaptability. In my mind if U2 is the most popular band, then really everyone should be attempting their sound, that's just simple economics. Long story short, the answer's no, there are no good bands in Toronto, and I double as a Toronto music critic, so that opinion is actually fact.
ST: What is your desert island record, or do you still not own a stereo?
I still don't own a stereo, but my favourite album is the No Country for Old Men soundtrack.
ST: Lastly, who is the smelliest, or most groupie-abusing member of Vampire Weekend? Do you have any other amusing tour stories from your stint as maraca shaker in this cute african pop band & critical favourite?
TH: Firstly, I need to correct you, our sound is purely original, so there actually are no African influences. Furthermore in addition to the maraca, I play the djembe, kalimba and marimba. In answer to your question, all of the members of VW (the band) use Axe bodyspray almost religously, and it's impossible to abuse a groupie, they love it.
There is this one really funny story.We were touring once and we all had to sleep in this small hotel room that was meant for probably three less people then we had, and we all just looked at each other and said; "Well, this is life on the road."
Slim Twig's Contempt! is out now, you can buy it in stores and internets, I'm assuming.
and if you haven't heard this guy please go to myspace.com/slimtwig
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Being awake is the cousin of life.
Being awake is life.
Life is it's own cousin.
therefore Existence is inbred.
They say geniuses pick green
All Nosepickers pick green
therefore All nosepickers are geniuses.
(Until they pick too far, thus picking red.)
Only way I'm interested in your dream: It's about me.
"You were you but you weren't you.": only sort of about me.
Amount dream must be about me: More than sort of.
therefore I don't care about your dream.
The Japanese are very efficient.
Computers are very efficient.
therefore Yuppies eating computer food, dying. World peace achieved. Feist record sales drop.
Vegetarians love animals so they don't eat them.
Vegetarians love vegetables so they eat them.
Vegetarians are confused about love.
therefore Vegetarians' children live in constant fear.
(Attempt to stay away from lentils.)
Portuguese prime minister Jose Socrates is a mortal man
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Kurt Cobain & David Bowie play Monopoly
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Don't you hate it when your video game overheats when you're about to use it in a performance art?
Paying rent and chocolate bars are alot the same; they both make your stomach hurt a little but provide you with great self satisfaction. Am I right?
Monday, January 12, 2009
I was looking at some birds
When I became afire
All I really wanted to do
Was stand and bird admire
Was not what I had thought
T'was a sweet guitar riff
But I'm still a little hot
I sing songs to girls all day
I wish they all could look at me this way
They usually just turn to me an say "I don't like music."
Which seems unlikely
The trees are mourning us
They think we're all dead
What they don't know is
We go up the chimney and overhead
If our families saw us like this
They might flip, see
They'd need a few extra hugs
From the hippy
If you wanted one of these two haircuts
You're outta luck - we're closed.
If you want the one in the middle though
Just put a sheet over your head
Sing me a song red man
And it better be good
Because I'm racist against the red
And I'm not referring to the slur about Native Americans
I really like them
I mean people who stand in red lights
I guess what I'm trying to say is
My girlfriend dumped me in a darkroom
It's so late
My lamp wont stay up straight
My pillow is too vertical against the wall
I had to put my magazine down
Just to get a way from it all
And on top of that all
It takes so long
Just to make a phone call.
I remember the days
When we always saw in double
We were too in love
That was the trouble
It looks like we had cool hair
And wore overalls
But I can't really tell
Because I can't remember that particular day
My songs are so wussy
So high and so light
They say it's my own fault
For sitting too far right