Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Dumbest News Story

I just found the dumbest news story in the New York Times, it's so badly written and dumb.


Tobey Mcguire upset after being called "cat man"


"Then they called me the cat man", explains the Spiderman star, "I was eating dinner and eventually they called me the cat man." explains the frusterated Cider House Rules star, "I was eating cat food." explains Tobey Mcguire, "I wanted to make a joke back at them, like a comeback." explains the Kirsten Dunst love interest in Spiderman. "I thought of saying like, Well the cat man do... and then I couldn't really come up with an ending, or a point." explains the actor.

When asked for opinions the town that Tobey was in were split. Ernie from the corner store says Tobey bought some candy, so Ernie was calling him the candy man; "I like that name better, got more of a ring to it. If the boy wants to eat cat food, so be it, then someone just give him some candy. "If I had that kind of money, I'm more of a pork chop, if you see Tobey tell him to try a pork chop, and then a candy." Says Ernie, "Woops, did I say I'm a pork chop? I meant to say I'm a pork chop man."



-by Jonathan Ernst Helm, NY Times, June 4, 2009

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Birthday Card

Hey,
This is a video I made for my good friend Lulu's birthday a bit ago. Some writing will be up in the next few short days (what?)








Also you can follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/thegreatgatsby I'm hilarious over there. Thanks for visiting. Happy 5th of July.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Interview: Kelsey Grammer

Mostly, my inerviews that I've posted here, I have been the subject, interviewed by an eager few celebrities whom I grant approval. Every now and again; however, someone so special comes along that I feel the need to turn my eyes on them. Ladies and gentleman, without further adieu, I give you Mr. Kelsey Grammer.


Tom Henry: Sir, it's a great honour.

Kelsey Grammer: The pleasure's mine. Would you like to get inside the mind of Frasier Crane?

TH: I'm so glad you asked. He's, in my mind, one of the great all time characters.

KG: Alot of the time on the show we would use irony as a comedic device.

TH: Interesting.

KG: Right, take for instance one of my favourite episodes. Niles and I have broken into a neighbour's condo apartment after a string of inevitably failed logic leads us there. Niles, as his character dictates, is noticably shaken, but not me, I'm getting high off it. I proclaim in an excited sort of half whisper, half talk; "I'm a cunning cat burglar, I have nerves of steel." Just as I finish that sentence, the door opens, I shriek; "aaaaah!"
Frasier is full of contradictions and character flaws, it makes him very funny and also very relatable.

TH: I've noticed that.

KG: Other times the character of Roz and I would play vaudeville pitch perfectly. I would have a cold, probably from the famous Seattle rain, and I would be coughing fervently. Roz comes in and says; "I haven't heard that much coughing since I was backstage at the Carribean Reggae Sunsplash concert."
Some of the episodes I'm most proud of are when I'm not aware that someone's right behind me, so I say something innapropriate about them very loudly. And then usually, I see the looks of shock and consternation on everyone's faces, and I tack on rather slowly and feebly; "...and they're right behind me aren't they?" and of course they are.

TH:...

KG: My other favourites are the times when I'm talking to someone, and we're both talking about different things, but we think we're talking about the same thing. Like, I say; I rear - ended somebody, and I mean it in the most literal sense, like a car accident, but they have been lead to believe I'm speaking in sexual inuendo.
That wasn't really the device irony, we had a name for those episodes, I can't remember right now.

TH: What's your real life like now?

KG: It's alot like Frasier actually. My wife sometimes jokes, "Uh oh, you're making that Frasier face again."

TH: What's that face look like?

KG: Most of the faces I make in Frasier are from real life, so I guess that's why she gets confused. And also she looks alot like a mix between Daphne and Roz.

TH: Oh really?

KG: Yeah, her name is Raphne.

TH: What kind of a name is that?

KG: I think she's Polish. She makes great stew, Campbell's Chunky.

TH: Quite the coincidence.

KG: Similarities aside, her comedic timing is terrible.

TH: Has that been a problem?

KG: Of course I love her for whoever she is, but sometimes I wish there would be like an incriminating message on the answering machine, and she would be like; "What is this?" and I would get all flustered, but then cover it up like; "hahaha, that's my friend playing a trick on me, not a real message."

TH: She can't keep up though?

KG: Well I guess the first problem is I don't get those messages, plus we have an answering service, not one of those outloud playing answering machines.

TH: Oh

KG: We usually just watch movies and stuff. We just got an early screening of the new Pixar film, Dear Deer. It's about a buck who wants to write letters, but is inhibited by it's hooves.

TH: Moving on, you played Beast in the X-Men. What was that like?

KG: X-Men is a huge franchise, much like Frasier. It was nice being on that set, Professor X really reminded me of Marty Crane, full of wisdom and with a passion for justice, Marty being an ex-cop of course, and Professor X being the head of a crime fighting syndicate.
I think Martin would have made a great X-man actually, but those dreams probably would've gone out the window when his wife, my mother, Hester died.
Funny thing actually, she's long dead before the show starts, but in one great episode I date Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks' wife. Here's the kicker, she looks just like my dead mom, so that plays in to the whole Freud thing, because of course Frasier is a psychologist.

TH: Was Tom Hanks on set?

KG: Yeah, we don't really get along. I don't know this for definite, but I'm pretty sure he was up for the part of Frasier.

TH: Thanks for your time.

KG: Goodnight Seattle, I love you.

TH: haha

KG: I mean, cheers.

TH: Ok.

KG: Cheers.


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Regarding My Recent Hiatus

Dear readers,

Regarding my recent unnanounced hiatus from professional literary humour blogging.

    My babies, I have been very busy. A while back I was asked to punch up the script for the recently released Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, starring Matthew Mcauhnehay and Jennifer Garner. As we neared release time my life proved too hectic for any creative endeavours. If you see the film, here are some of the scenes I wrote that I'm most proud of:

EXT. PARK. DAY.

JENNIFER GARNER
Uh, so just how many girls have you dated?

MATTHEW MCAUGNENNY
You ever been to New York City?

JENNIFER GARNER
Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything...

MATTHEW MCAUHNEY
About as many as how many people live there.




INT. GREG'S APARTMENT. DAY.

There's a party at Greg's apartment.

TINA
Hey Matthew.

MATTHEW MACAUGNQAY
Tina! what are you doing here!

JENNIFER GARNER
Who's this girl?

MATTHEW MCHAUNAGHY
This is... uh... this is my old college roomate... her name is uhh... (looks around room) chips and dip!

JENNIFER GARNER
Your college roomate was a beautiful woman named chips and dip?

MATTHEW MACUGHNEHE
What can I say, I went to art school?


...Dear Jimmy Fallon,

     I'm writing the stupidest thing about that film Ghosts of Girlfriends Past for my stupid blog. Sometimes you have to pander to your fan base, most likely a bunch of bearded corduroy enthusiasts and girls who wear dress shirts under their t shirts, who can't stand the sight of two beautiful faces like Matthew Mcconaughey and Jennifer Garner, this generations Cary Grant and who ever the famous women were back then.
     Oh, you don't think Frasier is funny, oh really? Because it only won eight writing emmys, but I guess you know better than television professionals. I bet these 'comedy connoisseurs' even laughed when I pretended like I don't know how to spell Matthew Mcconaughey. Yeah, because I've never heard of this thing called google. Lol. I gotta get back to this, hang on...




INT. DINNER PARTY. NIGHT.

Right so then Matthew maccunehu goes to this dinner party that Jennifer takes him to and this other ex shows up and it's so dumb and formulaic, don't you hate Hollywood films with great production values that you can actually just enjoy without having to think back to grade 10 philsophy?



... Jim, the reason I was writing originally is I thought you might have a job for me over there. Truth is, the real reason for my hiatus was I was busy writing some stuff for your show, which by the way I think is really a cutting edge program. 
   Mostly I've written four hundred jokes about the economy, that didn't get better yet did it? Check this out: 1. Have you heard about the economy? The economy I hear is so bad that Tom Cruise couldn't afford his crazy pills. 2. Hey have you guys heard about how bad the economy is? I heard that Jessica Simpson is skinny again, because she couldn't even afford any food.
There's a lot more Jim, and pretty much if you give me any name of a celebrity I can probably make an economy joke about it. It would help if they're involved in some sort of controversy though, like being crazy or fat. Shit, hang on...




EXT. SOME STUPID STREET. EXT.

It's the end of the movie, and Matthew Maacahnny just chased Jennifer Garner up to the top of the CN tower.

JENNIFER GARNER
If you love Nancy and Jess and all those other girls so much why don't you just go be with them!

MATTHEW MCCcAGHNNONI
You see this? you see how much I care about them!

Matthew gets out his little black book with all of the ladies phone numbers and rips it up and throws it off the building. Then they kiss and the camera spins around. The end. And that's a bad movie because it makes people happy and hopeful that true love might exist.



... listen Jim, I'm gonna wrap this thing up, gimme a call or an email or whatever. I also have alot of George W. Bush jokes, which I dunno maybe we can just change the names if someone else does something dumb. I can do an impression of him too, if you need that, as well as a pretty serviceable Arnold Schwartzenegger. And I usually put them in unlikely situations like ordering a pizza or something. Like, George W. Bush ordering a pizza: "What would you like to order sir?" "Ughh, this is one of dem ordering thingys?"
The sooner you can get me writing for people who are normal and went to college and don't watch Ingmar Bergman films, the better.

All my best, and give my love to your wife, Drew Barrymore's friend,


Tom Henry



...In summation I'd like to thank you all for hanging in there with me through this long break, I love and appreciate you all so much. It's really refreshing to know that people are interested in comedy that's original and weird and not all about just being really funny and making people laugh.

Eternally grateful,


Tom (d) Henry

Friday, May 1, 2009

Slim Twig

My mainest man Slim Twig just released his first full length album entitled, Contempt! When he first gave me a special early listening copy, he had written Conempt! so I'd like to announce that I'm officially taking credit for the T in this epic album, and any good review attained thus far is now null and void on account of not mentioning my influence.
To celebrate this special occasion 'Slim' and I sat down for an email conversation about music and life, unfortunately he never answered his questions, while I slaved away answering his. Here it is Tom Henry, Slim Twig:

ST: Tom, in October you posted an interesting interview you did with Modern Guitars Magazine that made several references to guitar virtuoso Greg Howe. What is your opinion of virtuosos musical or otherwise? Do you consider yourself a virtuoso of the blog scene? Lastly, how did Howe respond to your negative assessments & were you successful in uncorking an interdisciplanary virtuoso beef?

TH: I've always thought of myself as the Kevin Eubanks of blogging. Eubanks is the wisest of all guitar virtuosos, he's had to listen to every single Leno monologue for the past twenty years. when you live through Leno monologues, twenty minutes becomes a week, and when you add that up Kevin Eubanks is something like 150 years old. I also appreciate that he never plays a song over fifteen seconds long, These guys like Howe think it's cool to play songs that go into the three and four minute range.
As for Howe, I don't think you can really call it a beef, it's more of a 50 cent/ Ja Rule situation. He's through. I single handedly took a guitar rif master and rendered him less cool than a drummer. The only sessions Greg Howe is taking part in now are in Lance Bass and Clay Aitkens new "band" if you know what I mean. I mean that he's gay and not in the good way - in the inappropriate derogatory way.

ST: Your fascination with celebrity has seen you defaming everyone from Jay Leno to Seth Rogen. Still, I notice you haven't taken a crack at many celebrity musicians or musician / actors (Russell, Keanu, Bruce etc...). Are you intimidated by the possibility of a battle of the bands or rock-off challenge? What about a dance off?

TH: Rogen and I actually made up. He's casting me in his new movie, I play a guy who thinks women are hot and likes beer/weed.
Regarding the actor/musicians you mentioned, they all tend to have large muscles and/or the ability to download karate moves, so you pick your battles.
I'd be open to a rock off but I'd have to set a few ground rules; no instruments, no sounds made with mouth, no noise allowed for that matter, no body movements. Did I mention I was regional standing champion '98-'99? The rules for the dance off would be very similar.

ST: Recently you collaborated with local photographer, and Toronto music scene documentarian Danielle Nemet (of Sombre Reptiles photoblog fame). Do you find the local music scene to be at all inspiring? Do you go to 'gigs' with any regularity?

TH: I do frequent Toronto gigs. What really bothers me about Toronto's music scene is the lack of adaptability. In my mind if U2 is the most popular band, then really everyone should be attempting their sound, that's just simple economics. Long story short, the answer's no, there are no good bands in Toronto, and I double as a Toronto music critic, so that opinion is actually fact.

ST: What is your desert island record, or do you still not own a stereo?

I still don't own a stereo, but my favourite album is the No Country for Old Men soundtrack.

ST: Lastly, who is the smelliest, or most groupie-abusing member of Vampire Weekend? Do you have any other amusing tour stories from your stint as maraca shaker in this cute african pop band & critical favourite?

TH: Firstly, I need to correct you, our sound is purely original, so there actually are no African influences. Furthermore in addition to the maraca, I play the djembe, kalimba and marimba. In answer to your question, all of the members of VW (the band) use Axe bodyspray almost religously, and it's impossible to abuse a groupie, they love it.
There is this one really funny story.We were touring once and we all had to sleep in this small hotel room that was meant for probably three less people then we had, and we all just looked at each other and said; "Well, this is life on the road."



Slim Twig's Contempt! is out now, you can buy it in stores and internets, I'm assuming.

and if you haven't heard this guy please go to myspace.com/slimtwig

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Syllogisms

Sleep is the cousin of death.
Being awake is the cousin of life.
Being awake is life.
Life is it's own cousin.

therefore Existence is inbred.



They say geniuses pick green
All Nosepickers pick green

therefore All nosepickers are geniuses.
(Until they pick too far, thus picking red.)



Only way I'm interested in your dream: It's about me.
"You were you but you weren't you.": only sort of about me.
Amount dream must be about me: More than sort of.

therefore I don't care about your dream.



The Japanese are very efficient.
Computers are very efficient.

therefore Yuppies eating computer food, dying. World peace achieved. Feist record sales drop.



Vegetarians love animals so they don't eat them.
Vegetarians love vegetables so they eat them.
Vegetarians are confused about love.

therefore Vegetarians' children live in constant fear.
(Attempt to stay away from lentils.)






Portuguese prime minister Jose Socrates is a mortal man

Thursday, April 2, 2009

F. Scott Fitzgerald

As anyone who reads this blog knows I have something of a penchant for correspondence. Recently, I've been reading the collected letters of F. Scott Fitzgerald.  The letters of this great American master range from heartbreaking realizations to his former love Zelda, to talking shop with Ernest Hemingway. There were a few letters however that I found a little odd. Here they are.



1403 North Laurel Avenue
Hollywood, California
August 24, 1940

Dear Candy Store,
How many times must I tell you to leave out the yellow jube jubes from the jube jube bin? Have you any idea who I am? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald



1307 Park Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
May 11, 1935

Dear Friend
Have I made a terrible mistake by going by F.? It's just struck me that it's not so much a name but a letter. Whilst travelling easterly by air, I was going through the alphabet and realized that most men have chosen as many as six or seven of these letters arranged in different interesting ways. 

F? Scott Fitzgerald



14 Rue de Tilsett
Paris, France
August 13, 1925

Dear Reviewer, 
In your review of my book, you quipped that The Great Gatsby, should merely have been called The Good Gatsby. I am writing to inform you that I have changed the title of the book to The Much Greater and Better than you, the reviewer to whom I'm writing this letter, Gatsby. Be warned I am not bluffing. My appetite for revenge burns deep within me (copyright).

F. Scott Fitzgerald



5521 Amestoy Avenue
Encino, California
April 11, 1940

Dear Editor, 
I feel not like writing anymore. Do you think anyone would mind terribly if we adapted the Archie comics in to a novel?  Do you reckon this Jughead fellow could pass as a Yale man? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald



The Garden of Allah Hotel
Hollywood, California
February 22, 1938

Dear future president Harry S. Truman, 
Good sir, I have great respect for your name, but might you consider changing it slightly to S. Harry Truman? This I believe will be much more becoming; however, you must always be sure to utilize the period after the S or else I'm afraid your name may resemble that of a ladies, a price this country can ill afford.

F. Scott Fitzgerald