Life's Funny

Hi, here's a video I made. I showed it earlier this month at the Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot. The Laugh Sabbath is Toronto's greatest comedy show that happens every Sunday at 9 pm, at the Rivoli. You should go!

I'm going to the city New York tomorrow, in the city holder (country) America. Here's an old story I wrote about New York from the early days of this blog, maybe you haven't read it, if you have, so sue me, I'm walking here!

Another Letter (Involving The Community)

Hi people,

This is another letter to a real life person. I'm gonna (going to) write some stuff other than these letters soon, but for now so what, read another letter, get off my case, take a hill pill (go lay on a hill and calm down).

This one is to a young lady named Kayla, she was kind enough to write me a few sentences. Thanks Kayla. Also, just thought you should know, there's a guy on the Toronto Raptors this year named Sonny Weems, good name right?

Dear Kayla,

These are very interesting. (In regard to the above mentioned sentences) Are they autobiographical book title ideas? Wait, don't answer that, it was just a reason for me to do this:

Here are my autobiographical book title ideas,

I Used Up All My Ambition Learning To Nap

Napping, And A Few Other Things

When Do I Get To Nap Again? Can I At Least Have A Cracker Or Something?

... There's a joke here, it's that I nap alot, funny, right?.

Continuing on, I admire your brave use of font. I'm afraid I don't share your youthful, throw everything to the wind mentality, and so I mustn't stray far from this thing they've named Sans Serif, medium size.

I'm afraid, for you, once one discovers the fun in fonts, one will end up in many extemporaneous conversations with graphic designers. They will refer you to a glut of books and films, unknown to the general population, dealing solely with font. They will tell you all about their love of Wes Anderson, and his use of Futura Bold. They probably also will tell you alot of boring things about an antique coffee maker they bought for their office.

I digress.

I'd now like to divert your attention to the fact that in the previous paragraph I've used a word that I've been wanting to for quite some time, and may have already, then forgot. (Hint: It's not extemporaneous (very poor hint: it is glut.))

If you or anyone can find the word glut in any of my writings, I will present to them a shiny two dollar coin, a shiny two dollar coin I will have to steal.

Other words I'd like to use someday, and probably already have:

uncouth

brevity

symphonium

parlay

covenant

Chayenne, Wyoming

specificity

squirrel

Please don't suggest I write a short story involving all these words, I am not a fun guy.

My many thanks to you for enjoying the gift I have unleashed into the world (95% sarcasm, 5% complete seriousness, I'm pretty sure there's some irony in there too, but I still don't really understand that concept.)

Sincerely yours,

Tom (d) Henry

ps. I have been posting these on my blog, not your letter but my response. I know it's slightly uncouth, but I badly need the approval of the four other strangers reading. Please kindly still regard this as a personal correspondence, and not a meager attempt on my behalf to generate material.

Letters And All That

As for my offer of personalized letters to anyone who asks. Here is one that I wrote to a person named Jordan. I think they might have asked for a letter to make fun of me, Jordan always seemed like a bit of a jock name. So you got me Jordan, go and print these out and paste them around the halls of the school, so everyone can laugh at me.

This actually was an email. I think some people may be confused, I originally wanted to send out snail mail and fancy myself some kind of a half retarded Ernest Hemingway, but if you want an email instead, I can do that too. I suppose some people may think if they gave me their address, I could actually afford to get to their house. If you are another person who asked for one, it is on its way sometime before the end in 2012, and if you still want one, golly, just say so.

Dear Jordan,

How to do this?

Well, in past emails I've had with people, I've had something like a UK email address to work with or something of that sort (then I can just say a bunch of stuff about England for example.) You just have a gmail, like me, so I'm going to have to be crafty.

In fact, I'm not even sure if you're a male or female, as Jordan can go both ways. I'm going to assume you're a male because of the jaguar you've put in your email address, like every young boy, you would draw pictures of wildcats with dinosaurs riding them, and eventually there came a time for you to choose an email address. However, if you are a female, take no offense, as a jaguar can also be sleek and feminine and all that.

Also in your address, I see the number 88, I'm gonna go with birthyear on that one, making you 21ish, congratulations on that. I heard they say the young waste their youth. Yeah, so, what are you gonna do about it old man? Either that or you're a fan of often concussed ex NHL'er Eric Lindros. I'm doubting that as I don't think he has very many fans.

The other option would be that you just like that number, well fine then, there ain't a damn thing I can do with that is there?

Ok, I'm going to move on as I had not really intended on doing some sort of email address analysis, but hey, I hadn't intended on staying up last night til' 4 am to watch back to back episodes of Frasier either. That's life I guess, sometimes you do very poor things with your time.

Of all the poor things you can do with your time, going on Jeopardy might be one of them, you don't make very much money by gameshow standards, and I imagine no one even thinks you're all that smart anyway. I mean I don't consider myself very smart, and I can get a bunch of those answers. (the easy ones anyway) So that would be some advice from me to you, don't go on Jeopardy. If you are 21 years old, you should take this advice. If you're much older than that, you should not take it, as you may be older than me, and you should never take advice from someone younger than you (the definition of being 'a loser').

Aha, here is the problem though, I've just told you not to take advice from those younger than you, but if you are older than me, and you don't take my first piece of advice, then you are in effect, taking my second piece. Wow, that's kind of like that riddle in the movie Labyrinth, that I've forgotten the answer to eighty times.

Here's another piece of advice for you possibly young, possibly male, possibly 21 year old Jordan. Parties are fun for you right now, I imagine, but as you approach your mid twenties, if you walk into a party and you hear the sound of a typewriter, run away, run as fast as you can. You see, typewriters are novel to us, living here in 'the digital age'. But if you end up at a party where this novelty is being confused for fun, just be ready to next be tasting interestingly flavoured hot chocolate from a farmer's market for fun.

If you insist; however, on going to these parties, try staring at the wall for a while and people will probably think you're interesting.

Thanks for reading my thing (blog).

Yours truly,

Tom (d) Henry

The Dumb Poet

What kind of guy would talk about wanting to update his blog more and then not do it for five days? This guy, that's who.

Here are some things I heard this one dumb poet saying.

"This sunset is so boring."

"I like vests so much, I scissor all my clothes up the middle."

"What's a adjective, babe?"

"This poem I wrote would be way better without all these words."

"I wish I could impress people by being angry about a lot of different things."

"Would the show Curb Your Enthusiasm be a good thing to write a poem about?"

"Can I go eat toast instead of doing this?"

"Poetic license? Shit, I just hope this place has a poetic liqour license."

~Some Dumb Poems~

My Sugar Man

"You're my sugar man." I said.

"I'm not sure what you mean." he said.

"You give me sugar." I said.

"Ok, no sorry." he said.

"You don't sell me candy?" I said.

"No." He said.

"Oh, I thought you were the guy from my corner store." I said.

"I'm not." He said.

"Sorry" I said, "I'm blind - from diabetes."

Uncle Swift Poppy

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

We always liked your name.

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

You brought our family shame.

Please change your name back to Swift Poppy,

We don't like you as Dennis Quaid.

-by Dennis Quaid's neice

My Hubris

What you said about my hubris, what did that mean?

I don't know that word.

Forget it.

I'm smarter than you anyway,

and better in most ways.

The Cheap Alcohol Society

The cheap alcohol society wants to get drunk for cheap.

We also want to meet new people.

If the new people are drunk,

we might try to kiss them.

If they're not,

we'll just try to drink for cheap.

The cheap alcohol society just wants to kiss drunk people.

Some Updates

Hi.

I've been doing some thinking about this blog, and if anyone reads it, I'll let you in on my thinking. I don't think this post is going to be funny.

Firstly.

I'd like to post more often. I'm thinking of a way to do that, but you know that Peter, Bjorn and John album, Writer's Block? Yeah, you get the point. Anyway, get off my back, you think it's easy to be blessed with my signature dumbish intellect? So maybe in between the longer things, I'll post shorter things, and inbetween the shorter things I'll post really dumb things. I also perform lively in Toronto from time to time, so maybe I'll let you know about those.

Secondly.

I'm kind of obsessed with letters, and I'd like to send short, personalized letters to anyone who sends me a mailing address. That would be great fun I think. I'm not expecting to get many requests, but if you think it would be too neat, email me at tomdhenry@gmail.com, maybe we can make it a thing!

Thirdly.

If you exist, and ever read this ol' pile of hay, thankyou. I've existed here for more than a year now. Any feedback about these ideas or any old thing is welcome.

Fourthly,

Ladies,

I have rabies. Whoops, I mean, hey babies.

tom (d) henry

Old Groaners

I just got to see a sneak peak early film festival screening of the new Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman film, Old Groaners, about two aging men trying to make sense of today's fast paced world. Here are some of my favourite lines, this one looks to be an instant classic.

"Oh, the internet? Is that the number twelve that keeps flashing on my VCR?"

"Oh yeah, by the way, why is it always twelve o'clock at my house? it's twelve o'clock every second. What the?"

"The internet? What a bunch of wires!"

"Who is Jessica Simpson? Is she like Homer Simpson? Who is Homer Simpson?"

"Text message? Like a typewriter?"

"Alarm clock? I just get woken up by that terradactyl. What happened to that terradactyl?" (email me for full list of dinosaur jokes)

"Frank Sinatra was good, more good than both of those new types of music."

"What time is it? 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12. What the?"

"I'm so new and hip, oh wait, I so need a new hip."

"Geez, I can't find my spectacles. Oh they're on my head."

"I can't find my car keys, Oh they're on my head."

"Oh, my car is so old, it's one of those old timey cars."

"Look at all this medicine, I take more pills than all the dreams I have about Ava Gardner. That's alot."

"My three least favourite words? Arth. Right. Us. Wait, arth isn't a word, never mind."

"Oh, sick means good now? Ok, give me the sickest lobster you have. I want to eat a very sick lobster."

"When I was a kid if you wanted to go into space, you just went into a space."

Old Groaners, Columbia Tristar Ent. Ltd. 2009

The Fruit Fly

Hi everyone, I've been busy working on my old film scripts again. Here's a sneak peek of the newest one, it's been optioned by a company.

The Fruit Fly is an exciting twist on an old classic, The Fly, about Seth Brundle, a man slowly becoming a fly. It's basically the same, except it's with a fruit fly. Enjoy.

SCENE 22

INT. MARK'S HOUSE. NIGHT.

SETH BRUNDLE

Mark, can I have this grape?

SCENE 35

INT. JENNY'S APT. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Wow, great apartment Jenny, do you have any fruit?

JENNY

No

SETH BRUNDLE

Ok, lates.

SCENE 54

EXT. STREET. DAY.

BETTY

Hey I'm having a party Saturday, you should come.

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh great, can my a million friends come?

BETTY

Huh?

SETH BRUNDLE

They're really annoying fun guys.

SCENE 61

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY.

WAITER

Our special today is a tomato salad.

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh ok, is that a fruit after all?

WAITER

I don't know.

SETH BRUNDLE

Uhh, just give me fifteen sides of fruit.

SCENE 63

INT. CLUB. NIGHT.

Seth sees a guy holding a guitar

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh you're a musician, have you ever heard that White Stripes song, fell in love with a plum?

SCENE 66

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Do you want one of these bananas?

DAVE

No thanks, I don't really like bananas.

SETH BRUNDLE

What!

DAVE

Yeah, I just don't really like the texture.

SETH BRUNDLE

You are an idiot.

DAVE

...

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh you're dumb.

SCENE 85

INT. GYM. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Hey do you know what my favourite part of my body is?

GEENA

What?

SETH BRUNDLE

My adam's apple.

GEENA

Oh.

SETH BRUNDLE

Except not really, cause it's not actually an apple.