Friday, November 20, 2009

Interview: James Cameron

On the heels of his latest magnum opus, Avatar, I had filmmaking giant James Cameron over to my house in Culver City to talk shop.

Tom Henry: James Cameron, thanks for coming out.

James Cameron: Can I talk about my new movie called Avatar?

TH: Yeah.

JC: It has the biggest budget ever.

Tom Henry: Ok.

JC: You know when you used to collect Marvel cards when you were a kid?

TH: Yeah

JC: With the amount I spent on this movie, I could have bought you very many of those cards.

TH: Well, that doesn't even make much sense.

JC: About a zillion dollars worth or whatever.

TH: Is that how much you spent?

JC: More than you'll ever see anyway.

TH: So not a zillion.

JC: Uh yeah, whatever, what's the most money you ever spent on anything?

TH: I'm not sure.

JC: Remember in the sixth grade when your friend gave you those shoes, but you didn't like the colour so you coloured them with black marker?

TH: Yeah, sort of.

JC: What a poor move.

TH: Sure, whatever.

JC: Did you ever have a dream where you were so rich, and then you woke up, and you were like damn?

TH: I guess.

JC: Yep.

TH: Can we talk about something else?

JC: Sure, what do you want to talk about, the dirt on the ground?

TH: No, I dunno, who are your influences?

JC: No one you've probably ever heard of.

TH: Why don't you just say.

JC: You know that kid from Malcolm In The Middle?

TH Frankie Muniz?

JC: Yeah, what he makes times about 400 million.

TH: That's not an influence.

JC: Not for you.

TH: Who are your filmmaking influences?

JC: Tim Burton.

TH: Really?

JC No, have you seen how much he spends on movies?

TH: No.

JC: Indie shit. That guy's an ammie.

TH: an amateur?

JC: Yeah, I call them ammies... You know that movie Titanic?

TH: Yeah, you made it.

JC: What a crappy little budget that movie had.

TH: So you're not happy with it?

JC: Leonardo Decaprio's so ugly, he's poor.

TH: I think he has a lot of money.

JC: Do you wanna know my only friend?

TH: Sure

JC: The Eiffel Tower, it's the only guy worth enough.

TH: I don't think it's a guy.

JC: I pay this guy to sort of sit near it and more or less embody it, so we can play cards and stuff.

TH: So you're friends with that guy?

JC: No, he's a peasant of some sort, I'm friends with the tower.


JC: Do you have any food? I'm starving.

TH: Uh, yeah, what are you in the mood for?

JC: I haven't eaten in months.

TH: That's bad.

JC: I haven't found any food expensive enough.

TH: I guess I saw that coming.

JC: Can you do me a favour and charge me alot of money for some food? Because I think I might die.

TH: I guess so.

JC: Ok, my wallet needs to be airlifted here.

TH: That's so stupid, don't you have a bank card?

JC: I had a bank card made out of that stuff from Jurrasic Park.

TH: What stuff?

JC: Dinosaur.

TH: You have a bank card made out of dinosaur?

JC: Not anymore, I gave it to Bill Gates.

TH: Why Bill Gates?

JC: Seemed like he was down on his luck.

TH: I don't really want to talk to you anymore.

JC: Ok, can you call me one of those taxis that god drives for a handsome fee?

TH: That doesn't exist.

JC: Ok, bye.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Life's Funny

Hi, here's a video I made. I showed it earlier this month at the Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot. The Laugh Sabbath is Toronto's greatest comedy show that happens every Sunday at 9 pm, at the Rivoli. You should go!
I'm going to the city New York tomorrow, in the city holder (country) America. Here's an old story I wrote about New York from the early days of this blog, maybe you haven't read it, if you have, so sue me, I'm walking here!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Another Letter (Involving The Community)

Hi people,

This is another letter to a real life person. I'm gonna (going to) write some stuff other than these letters soon, but for now so what, read another letter, get off my case, take a hill pill (go lay on a hill and calm down).
This one is to a young lady named Kayla, she was kind enough to write me a few sentences. Thanks Kayla. Also, just thought you should know, there's a guy on the Toronto Raptors this year named Sonny Weems, good name right?

Dear Kayla,

These are very interesting. (In regard to the above mentioned sentences) Are they autobiographical book title ideas? Wait, don't answer that, it was just a reason for me to do this:

Here are my autobiographical book title ideas,

I Used Up All My Ambition Learning To Nap

Napping, And A Few Other Things

When Do I Get To Nap Again? Can I At Least Have A Cracker Or Something?

... There's a joke here, it's that I nap alot, funny, right?.

Continuing on, I admire your brave use of font. I'm afraid I don't share your youthful, throw everything to the wind mentality, and so I mustn't stray far from this thing they've named Sans Serif, medium size.

I'm afraid, for you, once one discovers the fun in fonts, one will end up in many extemporaneous conversations with graphic designers. They will refer you to a glut of books and films, unknown to the general population, dealing solely with font. They will tell you all about their love of Wes Anderson, and his use of Futura Bold. They probably also will tell you alot of boring things about an antique coffee maker they bought for their office.

I digress.

I'd now like to divert your attention to the fact that in the previous paragraph I've used a word that I've been wanting to for quite some time, and may have already, then forgot. (Hint: It's not extemporaneous (very poor hint: it is glut.))
If you or anyone can find the word glut in any of my writings, I will present to them a shiny two dollar coin, a shiny two dollar coin I will have to steal.

Other words I'd like to use someday, and probably already have:

Chayenne, Wyoming

Please don't suggest I write a short story involving all these words, I am not a fun guy.

My many thanks to you for enjoying the gift I have unleashed into the world (95% sarcasm, 5% complete seriousness, I'm pretty sure there's some irony in there too, but I still don't really understand that concept.)

Sincerely yours,

Tom (d) Henry

ps. I have been posting these on my blog, not your letter but my response. I know it's slightly uncouth, but I badly need the approval of the four other strangers reading. Please kindly still regard this as a personal correspondence, and not a meager attempt on my behalf to generate material.