Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Letters And All That

As for my offer of personalized letters to anyone who asks. Here is one that I wrote to a person named Jordan. I think they might have asked for a letter to make fun of me, Jordan always seemed like a bit of a jock name. So you got me Jordan, go and print these out and paste them around the halls of the school, so everyone can laugh at me.
This actually was an email. I think some people may be confused, I originally wanted to send out snail mail and fancy myself some kind of a half retarded Ernest Hemingway, but if you want an email instead, I can do that too. I suppose some people may think if they gave me their address, I could actually afford to get to their house. If you are another person who asked for one, it is on its way sometime before the end in 2012, and if you still want one, golly, just say so.

Dear Jordan,

How to do this?

Well, in past emails I've had with people, I've had something like a UK email address to work with or something of that sort (then I can just say a bunch of stuff about England for example.) You just have a gmail, like me, so I'm going to have to be crafty.

In fact, I'm not even sure if you're a male or female, as Jordan can go both ways. I'm going to assume you're a male because of the jaguar you've put in your email address, like every young boy, you would draw pictures of wildcats with dinosaurs riding them, and eventually there came a time for you to choose an email address. However, if you are a female, take no offense, as a jaguar can also be sleek and feminine and all that.

Also in your address, I see the number 88, I'm gonna go with birthyear on that one, making you 21ish, congratulations on that. I heard they say the young waste their youth. Yeah, so, what are you gonna do about it old man? Either that or you're a fan of often concussed ex NHL'er Eric Lindros. I'm doubting that as I don't think he has very many fans.

The other option would be that you just like that number, well fine then, there ain't a damn thing I can do with that is there?

Ok, I'm going to move on as I had not really intended on doing some sort of email address analysis, but hey, I hadn't intended on staying up last night til' 4 am to watch back to back episodes of Frasier either. That's life I guess, sometimes you do very poor things with your time.

Of all the poor things you can do with your time, going on Jeopardy might be one of them, you don't make very much money by gameshow standards, and I imagine no one even thinks you're all that smart anyway. I mean I don't consider myself very smart, and I can get a bunch of those answers. (the easy ones anyway) So that would be some advice from me to you, don't go on Jeopardy. If you are 21 years old, you should take this advice. If you're much older than that, you should not take it, as you may be older than me, and you should never take advice from someone younger than you (the definition of being 'a loser').

Aha, here is the problem though, I've just told you not to take advice from those younger than you, but if you are older than me, and you don't take my first piece of advice, then you are in effect, taking my second piece. Wow, that's kind of like that riddle in the movie Labyrinth, that I've forgotten the answer to eighty times.

Here's another piece of advice for you possibly young, possibly male, possibly 21 year old Jordan. Parties are fun for you right now, I imagine, but as you approach your mid twenties, if you walk into a party and you hear the sound of a typewriter, run away, run as fast as you can. You see, typewriters are novel to us, living here in 'the digital age'. But if you end up at a party where this novelty is being confused for fun, just be ready to next be tasting interestingly flavoured hot chocolate from a farmer's market for fun.

If you insist; however, on going to these parties, try staring at the wall for a while and people will probably think you're interesting.

Thanks for reading my thing (blog).

Yours truly,

Tom (d) Henry

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Dumb Poet

What kind of guy would talk about wanting to update his blog more and then not do it for five days? This guy, that's who.

Here are some things I heard this one dumb poet saying.

"This sunset is so boring."

"I like vests so much, I scissor all my clothes up the middle."

"What's a adjective, babe?"

"This poem I wrote would be way better without all these words."

"I wish I could impress people by being angry about a lot of different things."

"Would the show Curb Your Enthusiasm be a good thing to write a poem about?"

"Can I go eat toast instead of doing this?"

"Poetic license? Shit, I just hope this place has a poetic liqour license."

~Some Dumb Poems~

My Sugar Man

"You're my sugar man." I said.

"I'm not sure what you mean." he said.

"You give me sugar." I said.

"Ok, no sorry." he said.

"You don't sell me candy?" I said.

"No." He said.

"Oh, I thought you were the guy from my corner store." I said.

"I'm not." He said.

"Sorry" I said, "I'm blind - from diabetes."

Uncle Swift Poppy

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

We always liked your name.

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

You brought our family shame.

Please change your name back to Swift Poppy,

We don't like you as Dennis Quaid.

-by Dennis Quaid's neice

My Hubris

What you said about my hubris, what did that mean?

I don't know that word.

Forget it.

I'm smarter than you anyway,

and better in most ways.

The Cheap Alcohol Society

The cheap alcohol society wants to get drunk for cheap.

We also want to meet new people.

If the new people are drunk,

we might try to kiss them.

If they're not,

we'll just try to drink for cheap.

The cheap alcohol society just wants to kiss drunk people.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Some Updates


I've been doing some thinking about this blog, and if anyone reads it, I'll let you in on my thinking. I don't think this post is going to be funny.


I'd like to post more often. I'm thinking of a way to do that, but you know that Peter, Bjorn and John album, Writer's Block? Yeah, you get the point. Anyway, get off my back, you think it's easy to be blessed with my signature dumbish intellect? So maybe in between the longer things, I'll post shorter things, and inbetween the shorter things I'll post really dumb things. I also perform lively in Toronto from time to time, so maybe I'll let you know about those.


I'm kind of obsessed with letters, and I'd like to send short, personalized letters to anyone who sends me a mailing address. That would be great fun I think. I'm not expecting to get many requests, but if you think it would be too neat, email me at, maybe we can make it a thing!


If you exist, and ever read this ol' pile of hay, thankyou. I've existed here for more than a year now. Any feedback about these ideas or any old thing is welcome.



I have rabies. Whoops, I mean, hey babies.

tom (d) henry