For those of you who don't know, I've spent the last two months writing my very own Halloween joke book. This past Saturday, October the thirtieth, I sent it in to the publishing company, right on time for Halloween of course, and it was rejected.
They gave me the usual BS. They said it was way too short, not enough jokes, and that the jokes weren't "punchy enough" or some of them weren't "really jokes". "Too many footnotes for a joke book" they said. Well now it's my turn to talk.
All I wanted to do was share my own brand of Halloween humour, and I'm not about to let any book publishing corporate fat cat stop me. So, instead of shopping this around and getting the money I deserve, I present to you here, in it's entirety, my Halloween joke book.
Why do vampires always check their hair on Skype (or other video chat programs)?
Because they can't see themselves in the mirror.
Speaking of vampires, I heard they need to stay away from garlic. Do you know where they should not go?
Why did the luddite not want to dress up like a spider for Halloween?
He didn't like being on the web.
Do you want to hear a witch joke?
Ok, which joke?
Why does Marilyn Manson hate Halloween?
He can never tell if he's met a true beauty, or if they're just faking looking gross and weird.
Why are pirate werewolves so cautious?
Because they be werewolves. ((be - were (ware)wolves.) (beware wolves))
Who was the kid mummy's favourite rapper?
His mummy, or mother, dresses him in the morning by (w)rapping him thus making her a (w)rapper or wrapper.**
**Author (or "jokester") pleads poetic license on dropping of 'w'.
Who was Sigmund Freud's favourite Ghostbuster?
(Please ignore holes in timeline and prenounciation.)
Pictured above, the beautiful people? Uhhhh, yeah, right.
Hi guys. Too formal? Ok, hey guys. I made this video with a lot of the funniest guys that live in the city that I live in. Is my writing style getting too chunky? I think this old blog is going to cut the sides off again, does anyone know how to fix that? So anyway, click the thing that lets you watch it on youtube.
If you liked this, Chris Locke and Derek Horn, who I made this video with, also made this gem.
Hi beautiful, oh hi other beautiful, so many beautifuls here today. Below these words lie some jokes I made in my famous brown cardigan, for a show which was a showcase with my Laugh Sabbath pals for the comedy network, which is a television channel, do people still know about those? I don't know how to make the video not get cut off, maybe click on the link instead?
Hi everyone, I'm back. Did you get a good enough look at that tooth growing out of a thumb? If I told you my creative battery needed recharging would you believe me? What if I were Jonny Depp and I told you that? Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, I'm back and I just want you to know it's not your fault I've been gone so long. No listen, it's not your fault. Matt Damon: Yeah, I know man.
-Good Will Hunting
Woah, did Good Will Hunting just happen? Ok, so I bet you've been wondering obsessively what I've been doing with my time in the last two months, other than blind mayonaisse/miracle whip taste tests. Well, I've been writing a book with my very talented friend David Dineen-Porter, and I thought I'd share with you an excerpt. It deals with a fake disease that we're calling Crivits right now. Once it's published I look forward to all of the reviews undoubtedly remarking on our "absurdist wit". I also look forward to all of you remarking on our "absurdist wit". Also here is David Dineen-Porter's amazing pilot tv show L'Brondelle's Universe, you will like it definitely.
Throwing a Crivit Friendly Party
Have you ever been to a party with very little music, and very little amount of snacks? Of course you haven't! Well, get used to it. The "party" setting, or "get-together" setting opens a figurative bag of things you wouldn't want to find in a bag (problems) for the Crivits sufferer.
A crivit man or lady is completely able and encouraged to eat shrimp. Hmm, good news right? Well, not so fast (no, not good news), in the excitement of a social rendezvous setting, the sight of shrimp is one that reacts badly with this one specific part of the brain*. In 98 percent of Crivits cases, a shrimp at a party will immediately be mistaken for a crescent moon. "Big Deal" you say, or some other types of you might say "Big Whoop." (the sassy type) and to you I ask this, have you ever seen sixty of the earth's moons displayed around a dish of red sauce? I didn't think so. Let me also ask you this, have you ever seen twenty-five grown men and ladies kneeling on the ground, screaming drool, heads cocked toward the sky for an answer as to why they just saw sixty of the earth's moons seemingly ready to be dipped into a reddish sauce? I have, and let's put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... to the washroom... to pee (they peed their pants). Let's also put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... (they died).
Fun Solutions: Blindfold Shrimp Games.
Even normal humans play the classic game of 'pin the tail on the donkey'. Here's a modern Crivits take on that old classic game.
1. Tell whichever Crivits guys you know to play that dumb game.
2. Tell them there's shrimp as a consolation prize for all of the people who don't win (lose).
3. Tell them they obviously all don't win because they have a disease that prohibits the use of their arms whilst sight functions are incompacitated.
4. Tell them to eat the shrimp off of the cold rubber-like table cloth with their cold rubber-like faces.
5. Have fun!
*The shrimp/moon effect has not yet been quantified by those who study the brain (brain studiers). It's proof is largely anecdotal, like that time I saw all that stuff, and is portrayed in a book that Walt Whitman thought about writing.**
**I heard that but don't quote me on it, but tell people it, but not as a quote by me, but say you heard it was definitely true. Tell them the person who told you is your uncle who is the dean of a university.***
***Let me know if your uncle has any employment for me in his university, teaching or even as an actor/photographer to spy on his students to find out which ones he should kick out, I have a new cannon x250.
Hi guys, it seems due to my reputation in the literary community, I've ended up on this guy's mailing list.
Dear potential buyer,
My name is J.J. Salinger, I am the little known son, and executor to the estate of the great American writer J.D. Salinger. As you know my father was last published in 1965, but continued to write vigorously in relative seclusion until his recent death.
Of late, I have been working to get this previously unpublished work out to the public as I feel it wrong to deprive the fans any further. As you can imagine most of the work has not been hard to find a home for, there are, however a few rare items that the major publishing companies have deemed, "not polished enough" or "inappropriate". While they are entitled to their opinion, I believe that these historic pieces of literature should be seen. For these reasons I am opening the purchasing rights to you, the public.
The first item up for sale is a shoebox full of letters from my late father to me, I present to you some selected passages of a sample letter from this collection that could be yours:
By entrusting you the responsibilities of soul executor of my estate, I faithfully put my legacy in your hands. I know you will serve me well in my unwavering wish to let my work die with me. It is of the utmost importance, so that my soul can rest in peace in the afterlife...
...Please allow me to reiterate, upon my death all of my unpublished work is to be shoveled into a very large fire. Any pages that have not been successfully reduced to ash, should then be put into a hole in the ground and covered with compost...
...Please do not perceive any humor in what I write. I know that I can trust you, my favourite son, with this most important of tasks.
I love you very, very much,
Dad (J.D. Salinger)
As you can see, dad never let go of his acerbic wit and flair for the dramatic. This letter in it's entirety and over thirty more can now be yours or your organizations. Please help me to end the deprivation of the true fans of dad's indelible work, or keep it for your private collection. As a wise man once said, let's make a deal.
The second collection on the docket is a series of short stories written some time in the mid 2000's. This was a trying time for dad, he believed himself to be suffering from a terrible case of what he called "writer's block", and claimed to be having some problems with his "memory". For the entirety of the year, everything he wrote was crumpled into a ball and thrown into a trash basin or "waste bin". Luckily, so as to deprive the world no longer, I was able to retrieve a number of these short stories. They have been professionally restored (un-crumpled) and now are available for you to own.
As many a tormented genius, my father's own self-criticism was hard for him to quiet, but I think you'll see this is great stuff, classic dad.
The Glass Family Barbecue By J.D Salinger
The Glass family go to the Barbecue, and they are all very smart but very sad. Now imagine some of that dialogue I'm famous for. Do you think this is good? Like American classic good? Then Ritchie Tanenbaum shows up, and he's in love with Margot. Wait, I invented that family right? So then Ben Stiller does some things and Holden Caulfield shows up, he says, "Oh man, people are the goddamn worst." Do you find this relatable if you're a youth?
For sale! Own a piece of the J.D. Salinger canon now! Thank you for your time potential buyer, any and all pricing inquiries can be sent to my personal email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
With love and squalor, (phrase for sale, contact J.J. Salinger)
Oh, hi guys, I made this short film (video) about a sad guy. Hopefully, once you see how handsome I am, you will still be able to take my writing intelligence seriously. The video also features the great Katie Crown. Have a watch mon (Jamaican).
Did you think I turned into a Gary Larson and then died? You were wrong, but almost right.
I've just returned from Hollywood, in Los Angeles, I was there for the Academy's Awards. After the ceremonies I went out on the town with a couple of my pals, the evening's hosts, Steve Martin and the only remaining Baldwin, Alec. They kept saying it was a "guy's night out" and that even though they both had high powered agents, tonight they were "free agents" looking to sign on to "any indie project they could find." They said they were looking for the "Diablo Cody of women." They said they would "Write HER screenplay, and they weren't talking about Juno if you knew what they meant." I didn't know what they meant. They also alluded to "chasing tail" every five or six minutes. I didn't know what that meant either. After a while it became evident, here are some of the things I heard them say on guy's night out.
"My hair's been white since I was twenty, so I could be twenty."
"Have you seen Shopgirl? My character dates a younger woman, about your age, and my character is about my age. I based it on a true story, a true story from the future. It's based on you, you and me."
"You're much prettier than Claire Danes. You are Claire Danes? Oh, nevermind."
"Facelift? I'm just a comedian, why would I get a facelift? To get a part in Cheaper By The Dozen? Yeah right. Yeah you're right.
"You like 30 Rock? I'll buy you thirty rocks, thirty diamonds... No, that was for the sake of poetry, but I'll buy you one or two."
"Here's a picture of my daughter... Oh that picture next to her? That's what I used to look like."
"Remember when I was great? Ok, keep remembering it. Keep rememebering it. Keep Remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it..."
"Did you see us host the Oscars? Wasn't it funny when we made fun of each other? We actually really like each other. Do you like us each other?"
"Have you seen The Shadow?"
"If you say I'm washed up one more time... I'll keep sitting here cause you're pretty and I think you're really beautiful."
"You're not impressed by money? I'll impress you with my acting then. What should I act like?"
"Yes we were in It's Complicated. You know what's not complicated? Your eyes. They are simple, simply beautiful. Hang on I'll make a call. Nancy, can you make a movie called It's Simple, Simply beautiful? Starring.. what's your name sweetheart?"
A philosophical conversation with Tom Henry, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.
SJP/HG: What is truth?
TH: One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing. -Socrates
Also, if you're laying on the ground, looking for clouds that look like things, and they all look like pieces of chewed gum, you may be facing the wrong way.
SJP/HG: What is god?
TH: I watched a Mel Gibson movie about this.
SJP/HG: We meant god in a broader sense, not Christ so much.
TH: What Women Want was about Christ?
SJP/HG: What is existence?
TH: Generally, when you exist, it involves haircuts.
SJP/ HG: How should one find meaning in life?
TH: Live everyday like tomorrow could be your last, or like they could change the calendar to make days a length that you couldn't possibly live longer than one more day.
SJP/HG: Even if you lived to be a hundred?
TH: Yes, one day would be at least a thousand present calendar years in this scenario. Every birthday card would say happy zero birthday, and when lovers called each other 'baby' it would make more sense.
SJP/HG: I see.
TH: I'm actually advocating this system, it's completely absurd that one or two guys got to decide which calendar we use.
SJP/HG: Who are you referring to?
TH: Greg or Ian.
SJP/HG: What is the universe?
TH: Some would say we're floating on a marble that's being played with in a giant game of marbles, it's that arbitrary really.
TH: Incidentally, I heard it was a sign of luxury to have a marble staircase so I put a bunch of marbles on my stairs, but the only thing that happened was that thing from Home Alone.
SJP/HG: Being What?
TH: Someone slipped.
TH: My great aunt, she perished.
SJP/HG: Oh my.
TH: It's ok, she had a very long life, she got to see all seven wonders of the world.
SJP/HG: That's an amazing and rare accomplishment.
TH: Yeah, I know, most of us saw the first six, but she had a friend who worked on the seventh one, so she got to see Voldemort die and all that.
TH: It more or less evened out for her anyway, because I payed for her to have a marble tombstone.
SJP/HG: That's a grand gesture.
TH: When you pay some kids to put marbles on a tombstone, does that count as paying for a marble tombstone?
TH: Well that's what I did, if you didn't understand the inference.
SJP/HG: What is death?
TH: The ringing in our ears, habitually tuned out, but ever present. It shows no prejudice, arriving in the heat or the cold, night or the day. It cares not for feelings of safety and security, it knows no sympathy... It's not as bad as it sounds though.
SJP/HG: How do you know?
TH: I've experienced it.
SJP/HG: You've experienced death?
TH: I thought you asked me about the film, You've Got Mail?
SJP/HG: Is there karma?
TH: Yes, you will be reincarnated as either a great eagle or a pathetic bug, so try not to be odious.
TH: Wait, I mean try not to be Odie. Try not to come back as Odie, Garfield can be very cruel.
Uggh. I'ts 2010, the year to put all the apostrophe's in the wrong spot's.
That was George Orwell's real distopic vision, that guy loved grammar.
So, it seems I've unintentionally taken a month off. My brain feels small and shrivelled, and pouring alot of water in my ear isn't helping. Here are the most funny things I've thought of in the last month -
George W. Bush - That guy was not good.
Dr. Phil - Not even a real doctor.
MC Hammer - It's Hammer time I guess.
If you know any ways to cure brain fog, lemme know. Maybe I need to take up coffee, even though I don't like hot drinks.
Woah, this is getting way too personal. I'll write something tres (very) soon. Something that will make all the Hollywood agents knock at my door and tell me everything's gonna be alright. The decade in review? I dunno, what happened this decade, the ipod?" I guess it's better than the decade where they invented the tripod.
Also, I'm saying jokes at Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot! tomorrow, my favourite show as a fan of live comedy.
Don't leave me because of the month off, I'm too nice of a guy.