Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Creep Crepe




Writing up on Thursday. Thanks for Coming  

-TH


Monday, March 16, 2009

A Few Quick Letters 2


Dear athletes, 
Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.

Dear toilet paper,
Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.

Dear mothers,
There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think. 

Dear mother,
Please disregard the above statement.

Dear philosophers,
What's the point? (Don't answer that)

Dear bookmarks,
You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.

Dear Kevin Spacey, 
Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.

Dear walk-in closet,
I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor. 

Dear eyes, 
If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?

Dear glass doors, 
There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.

Dear murderers, 
Things I like about you: 
You haven't murdered me yet.

Dear Daniel Day Lewis,
Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.

Dear dog, 
Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.
p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.

Dear own medicine, 
Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Very Short Plays

THE OFFICE PARTY
act 1. scene 1.

EMPLOYEE 1: 
Hey, during this tough economy, it was a great idea to hire this cheap Jack Nicholson impersonator as entertainment.

EMPLOYEE 2:
Thanks, yeah, Christian Slater is doing a great job.



THE MAN WHO ALWAYS GETS ONE LETTER WRONG THUS HIS LIFE RESEMBLES A REALLY BAD COMIC STRIP
act 1. scene 1.

MAN: 
Here's that pigeon wearing lingerie you ordered. 

OTHER MAN:
I said exotic bird!



TWO OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE GREET EACH OTHER
act 1. scene 1.

PERSON 1:
I miss your face!

PERSON 2: 
Where have you been my whole life?!



MIKE TYSON: POST IMPRESSIONIST
act 1. scene 1.

MIKE TYSON:
Here I lie, with all this artistic talent, a tortured artist. I shouldn't have eaten Van Gogh's ear.



FRIEND WHO IS ANNOYING AFTER MIDNIGHT
act 1. scene 1.

BEN:
Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow.

RICH:
Well, technically I'll see you today.



THE TABLE  &  THE COASTER
act 1. scene 1.

TABLE:
My sole purpose is to put things on. Everytime you impose yourself between me and a glass you tell me I can't do my job! (pause) The scars of condensation would be far less painful than what you're putting me through.



THE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ACTING
act 1. scene 1.

DAISY:
Do you remember daddy's wheat fields back in Nebraska? Remember how they smell on a humid August night? 

GREG:
Hang on, I'm trying to, using the technique of sense memory. Is it time for my soliloquy?



VERY FAT CANNIBAL
act.1 scene 1.

JON:
Hey, I ate that book club sandwich you told me about.

ROOMATE:
That was my book club!