Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.
Dear toilet paper,
Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.
There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think.
Please disregard the above statement.
What's the point? (Don't answer that)
You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.
Dear Kevin Spacey,
Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.
Dear walk-in closet,
I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor.
If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?
Dear glass doors,
There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.
Things I like about you:
You haven't murdered me yet.
Dear Daniel Day Lewis,
Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.
Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.
p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.
Dear own medicine,
Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.