Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Letter To Ebert

Dear Mr. Ebert,

As Oscar season approaches, I realize the workload of a professional film critic can be daunting. This is why I'm prepared to offer you my services, I being an aspiring/professional film critic (references available upon formal request*)
Should you choose to compensate me, that would be fine, my going rates usually have something to do with fifty dollars. Otherwise, I'll be happy with the exposure, so long as I get a byline on all reviews.
In the unlikely event you choose not to use any of my writing, well, I would hate to think of you having new competition in the movie watching and reviewing circuit.
Here is a sample of what you could enjoy a fresh piece of:

-Black Swan-

"Natalie Portman? More like Natalie Portal(wo)man, because it's as if she has a magical acting portal, and she's a woman."

"The film features spectacular turns by Mila, Me-la-ikey, Kunis, and Win-osca-owna (she should win and own an Oscar) Ryder.

"Black Swan is in the black! (if it were finance related).

-True Grit-

"True Grit - True, great!"

"Don'T RUE not seeing (true) GRIT!"

"Jeff Bridges is definitely the best famous Jeff and the best famous Bridges! (Beats Goldblum, Daniels, Golden Gate, Brooklyn, Jeff Bridges' brother)."

"London bridge might be falling down, but Jeff Bridges is not falling down!"

-The King's Speech-

"I don't feel bad for that guy who had a speech impedement, because ultimately he got Colin Firth to play him so good!"

"You won't be able to stop speeching about The King's Speech!"

-Toy Story 3-

"Tim (Allen) and Tom (Hanks) have done it again! It's clear that 'T' and 'M' stand for 'Talented' and 'Man' no matter what lousy vowel gets between them, because these guys are talented, man! or talented men, "M" could stand for "men" as well."

"Toy Story 3 was almost worth being reminded that Tim Allen still makes more money than us, and gets to hang out with Tom Hanks."

-The Social Network-

"I will never put my face in a book again, as long as this movie exists, and other movies I like exist."

"Jesse Eisenberg plays cold so perfectly it makes me think, "Yes, he ice n' berg"."

"It's not complicated, The Social Network's friend request has been approved! It's status is, "I'm great." and you've been tagged - in a picture of you watching this movie and loving it! Also, share a link, messages, event invite!

-The Fighter-


"Powerhouse peformances from the actors!"

"I didn't see this film!"

Thankyou for your time, Ebert, I look forward to working with you.
As us movie critics like to say, we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at movie stars, on a movie screen and taking notes.


tom (d) henry

*Official formal request procedure will need to be ascertained before formal request can be submitted.

Are you talking to me?

Monday, January 3, 2011

On Being Cool, Interview: Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood came to see me recently, and conduct(ed?) this interview for some magazine, I guess.

In the midst of shooting my latest movie which is about Matt Damon being a psychic, I was offered a rare opportunity to visit with Tom Henry in his Culver City offices. Of course, I did not pass it up. I told Matt Damon to go learn more about acting like a psychic in order to halt production for the day, then headed over to meet the man.

Clint Eastwood: Mr. Henry, I've been waiting to meet you for some time.

Tom Henry: Thankyou. I've heard of you too. "Go on and make my day, pal." right?

CE: Yeah.

TH: Before you came in, my assistant told me you're a legend.

CE: Well, I don't sit around and tell people what things are on maps all day.

TH: What?

CE: It was a joke.

TH: Oh. How?

CE: I pretended you were referring the other kind of legend, like for a map.

TH: Rand McNally?

CE: What?

TH: Rand Mcnally, legend of maps.

CE: I'd like to talk to you about being cool, something I've been called a lot.

TH: Were you feeling cold, due to your immense age, when someone called you that?

CE: No, but you're a very sharp and funny guy.

TH: Thanks, for you to say that to me, and not for me to pretend that someone is saying it to me, will boost my confidence a lot.

CE: What is being cool?

TH: Some people think that striking a match on their teeth is cool, but to me, it just means you have very rough teeth.

CE: Speaking of matches, are cigarettes cool?

TH: I would feel it irresponsible of me to say that cigarettes are cool, but I will say, to exhale cigarette smoke looks very cool, also cigarette flicks, taking a cigarette out of it's pack, that little tap people do before they open a pack, inhaling cigarette smoke, getting out of one's chair and you know it's because they're going to smoke, the way cigarettes look between two elongated fingers, etc...

CE: Ok.

TH: One more thing, when someone lights two cigarettes in their mouth and then gives one to a woman, also, when men and women smoke together.

CE: Is drinking alcohol cool?

TH: As long as it doesn't make you tell stories about other times you drank alcohol.

CE: Can you be born cool?

TH: I dunno, can you be born with a very original hat on? Probably not.

CE: So are hats a big part of it?

TH: Absolutely, if you can put on a hat that not too many other people are taking advantage of, like a bowler, and then pretend to not be completely self concious about the fact that your whole night revolves around a unique hat choice, you're ahead of the game.

CE: Is it cool to be kind?

TH: I think the unexpected is cool. So if you're famous or rich, be kind. If you're poor and obviously not famous, i.e. Bob Cratchit, try being mean. If you're a jock, try being sensitive, and if you're a poet, try not to drown in self-importance and possibly self-vomit.

CE: Is irony cool?

TH: Tell me if you've ever had someone agree to marry you to be ironic, then ask me if irony is cool.

CE: Does that happen?

TH: Have you ever fallen in love with a Nicholas Cage fan?

CE: No. Is being in a band cool?

TH: If every band had a double-necked guitar player, I'd be able to tell you there's at least one cool guy in every band.

CE: Is being tough cool?

TH: Yes, I think that Ghandi could have remained peaceful, but if he at least went around punching walls he could have done a better job.

CE: What would be a cool way for me to end this interview?

TH: Anything to do with fire, I guess. Do you have a lighter?

CE: No. How about if we hug?

TH: Whatever man.