Thursday, June 17, 2010

Hi, I'm Back

Hi everyone, I'm back. Did you get a good enough look at that tooth growing out of a thumb? If I told you my creative battery needed recharging would you believe me? What if I were Jonny Depp and I told you that? Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, I'm back and I just want you to know it's not your fault I've been gone so long. No listen, it's not your fault.
Matt Damon: Yeah, I know man.

-Good Will Hunting

Woah, did Good Will Hunting just happen? Ok, so I bet you've been wondering obsessively what I've been doing with my time in the last two months, other than blind mayonaisse/miracle whip taste tests. Well, I've been writing a book with my very talented friend David Dineen-Porter, and I thought I'd share with you an excerpt. It deals with a fake disease that we're calling Crivits right now. Once it's published I look forward to all of the reviews undoubtedly remarking on our "absurdist wit". I also look forward to all of you remarking on our "absurdist wit".
Also here is David Dineen-Porter's amazing pilot tv show L'Brondelle's Universe, you will like it definitely.

Throwing a Crivit Friendly Party

Have you ever been to a party with very little music, and very little amount of snacks? Of course you haven't! Well, get used to it. The "party" setting, or "get-together" setting opens a figurative bag of things you wouldn't want to find in a bag (problems) for the Crivits sufferer.


A crivit man or lady is completely able and encouraged to eat shrimp. Hmm, good news right? Well, not so fast (no, not good news), in the excitement of a social rendezvous setting, the sight of shrimp is one that reacts badly with this one specific part of the brain*. In 98 percent of Crivits cases, a shrimp at a party will immediately be mistaken for a crescent moon. "Big Deal" you say, or some other types of you might say "Big Whoop." (the sassy type) and to you I ask this, have you ever seen sixty of the earth's moons displayed around a dish of red sauce? I didn't think so. Let me also ask you this, have you ever seen twenty-five grown men and ladies kneeling on the ground, screaming drool, heads cocked toward the sky for an answer as to why they just saw sixty of the earth's moons seemingly ready to be dipped into a reddish sauce? I have, and let's put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... to the washroom... to pee (they peed their pants). Let's also put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... (they died).

Fun Solutions: Blindfold Shrimp Games.

Even normal humans play the classic game of 'pin the tail on the donkey'. Here's a modern Crivits take on that old classic game.

1. Tell whichever Crivits guys you know to play that dumb game.

2. Tell them there's shrimp as a consolation prize for all of the people who don't win (lose).

3. Tell them they obviously all don't win because they have a disease that prohibits the use of their arms whilst sight functions are incompacitated.

4. Tell them to eat the shrimp off of the cold rubber-like table cloth with their cold rubber-like faces.

5. Have fun!

*The shrimp/moon effect has not yet been quantified by those who study the brain (brain studiers). It's proof is largely anecdotal, like that time I saw all that stuff, and is portrayed in a book that Walt Whitman thought about writing.**

**I heard that but don't quote me on it, but tell people it, but not as a quote by me, but say you heard it was definitely true. Tell them the person who told you is your uncle who is the dean of a university.***

***Let me know if your uncle has any employment for me in his university, teaching or even as an actor/photographer to spy on his students to find out which ones he should kick out, I have a new cannon x250.


Salamander said...

Who is this guy, a joker?

Vargas said...

Crivits is hilarious. Diseases that make you laugh are good. Your absurdist wit is infectious. L'Blondelle's Universe is very funny. And those are my remarks on your remarkable talents.

Salamander said...

Some of those remarks are on my remarkable talent, but I wanted to thank you Tom for putting this on your blog. I just noticed that i started receiving youtube hits with your blog as a referrer. With this unity, we can't fail.

Sugarduk said...

Ha Larry Us

Sugarduk said...

Sorry for the typo. I meant hilarious. Glad you're back, TDH, and glad you're DDP, DDP.