Thursday, April 8, 2010

J.J. Salinger

Hi guys, it seems due to my reputation in the literary community, I've ended up on this guy's mailing list.


Dear potential buyer,

My name is J.J. Salinger, I am the little known son, and executor to the estate of the great American writer J.D. Salinger. As you know my father was last published in 1965, but continued to write vigorously in relative seclusion until his recent death.

Of late, I have been working to get this previously unpublished work out to the public as I feel it wrong to deprive the fans any further. As you can imagine most of the work has not been hard to find a home for, there are, however a few rare items that the major publishing companies have deemed, "not polished enough" or "inappropriate". While they are entitled to their opinion, I believe that these historic pieces of literature should be seen. For these reasons I am opening the purchasing rights to you, the public.

The first item up for sale is a shoebox full of letters from my late father to me, I present to you some selected passages of a sample letter from this collection that could be yours:


Dearest J.J.,

By entrusting you the responsibilities of soul executor of my estate, I faithfully put my legacy in your hands. I know you will serve me well in my unwavering wish to let my work die with me. It is of the utmost importance, so that my soul can rest in peace in the afterlife...

...Please allow me to reiterate, upon my death all of my unpublished work is to be shoveled into a very large fire. Any pages that have not been successfully reduced to ash, should then be put into a hole in the ground and covered with compost...

...Please do not perceive any humor in what I write. I know that I can trust you, my favourite son, with this most important of tasks.

I love you very, very much,

Dad (J.D. Salinger)


As you can see, dad never let go of his acerbic wit and flair for the dramatic. This letter in it's entirety and over thirty more can now be yours or your organizations. Please help me to end the deprivation of the true fans of dad's indelible work, or keep it for your private collection. As a wise man once said, let's make a deal.

The second collection on the docket is a series of short stories written some time in the mid 2000's. This was a trying time for dad, he believed himself to be suffering from a terrible case of what he called "writer's block", and claimed to be having some problems with his "memory". For the entirety of the year, everything he wrote was crumpled into a ball and thrown into a trash basin or "waste bin". Luckily, so as to deprive the world no longer, I was able to retrieve a number of these short stories. They have been professionally restored (un-crumpled) and now are available for you to own.

As many a tormented genius, my father's own self-criticism was hard for him to quiet, but I think you'll see this is great stuff, classic dad.


The Glass Family Barbecue
By J.D Salinger

The Glass family go to the Barbecue, and they are all very smart but very sad. Now imagine some of that dialogue I'm famous for.
Do you think this is good? Like American classic good?
Then Ritchie Tanenbaum shows up, and he's in love with Margot. Wait, I invented that family right? So then Ben Stiller does some things and Holden Caulfield shows up, he says, "Oh man, people are the goddamn worst." Do you find this relatable if you're a youth?


For sale! Own a piece of the J.D. Salinger canon now! Thank you for your time potential buyer, any and all pricing inquiries can be sent to my personal email: jjsalamander@hotmail.com.


With love and squalor, (phrase for sale, contact J.J. Salinger)


J.J. Salinger





4 comments:

stranger#3 said...

I will be contacting JJ re the Glass Family Barbie, sounds like great Glass lit with Royal T thrown in. I like abbreviations and tend to call JD Sal or Sally. Thx, TDH.

Sugarduk said...

Since Salinger died, I figured I'd pick up his slack. Wait a minute...did I say slack? I meant slacks...I still have the dry cleaning ticket (and if JJ Salinger or anyone else would be interested in buying either ticket or slacks they'll be on ebay soon).

Vargas said...

Dear JJ
Can we make a movie of Catcher in the Rye now? I would like to option it. I promise I wont turn it into another Dear Heart. Can we meet for lunch? I know a place where they serve up some perfect bananafish.
Vargas

Dear TH
Officially proclaim me The Laughing Man.
Vargas

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