This past week was the Toronto International Film Festival. As my hometown was abuzz with the bright stars of modern Hollywood, I was shocked to see movie actor, Brad Pitt, coming out of my local internet cafe. It seems that Brad had been using my usual computer station, and like the star he is, had even left me seventeen minutes. It seems he also had forgotten to log out of his gmail. The following is a disturbing reminder that celebrities aren't always the superior beings we all hope for.
Tue, Sep 6, 2011, 10:46 AM
George Clooney here. Heard we'd both be in Toronto this weekend. Was wondering if you wanted to meet up and see which one of us is more famous.
I'm thinking we'll go eat dinner on a patio somewhere, and see which of our names gets screamed more.
What do you think pal?
ps. Remember when we were in Oceans 11? That was fun.
Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:50 AM
Great to hear from you. I loved your latest movie. To be honest, I'm on a bit of a not caring about fame that much kick these days, so I'm not so sure about the patio idea. What we could do is eat inside the restaurant and see how many people are trying to see us from the outside. We'll have to monitor the direction of their gaze to see who they're more interested in seeing. I do remember Oceans, that party you threw on a boat once was great.
Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:57 AM
There's a fundamental flaw with your plan which is this, some people have problems with their eyes.
I can tell you this because I actually tried this with Jude Law once. He goes. "Look at that woman ogling me out there" And I look and sure enough, she is, and I'm going, this doesn't make any G.D. sense, Jude Law is A list, and I'm A++ list. So I go out and ask her, "Were you just ogling Jude Law?" And she goes, "No, of course I was ogling you, I have a lazy eye."
And to think I actually could have lost that one to effing Jude Law!
I do throw the BEST boat parties.
Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 7:02 PM
I am so sick of Jude Law trying to be one of us. I understand the eye thing, so how's this? We hire an eye doctor to just do a general assesment of everyone in the crowd's eye health. If someone's eyes are not up to snuff then we get the eye doctor to ask them who they like better, me or you.
I hope we can work this out, it would be great to see you.
p.s. What does G.D. mean?
Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 9:41 PM
If we're gonna spend our money on hiring the eye doctor anyway, why don't we just get him to ask everybody who they're there to see? At the same time he can also do vision assesments, because, not to be harsh, but if you're blind you shouldn't really get a vote anyway, because you don't even know what we look like, and we're not goddamn voice actors.
So, I'll look up a Toronto eye doctor and we'll sort it all out.
G.D. is goddamn, which I guess is actually just one word? But I heard someone say G.D. and I thought it sounded cool. Sorry for the confusion, I wrote it out this time, up there, before I said voice actors.
Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 8:45 AM
You raise an interesting point. What we are all about is not just our voice but also our looks and the way we move around and everything, but also our voices. So, we should also get someone to disqualify deaf people, because they also don't have the whole picture. So, you find an eye doctor and I'm gonna find an ear doctor.
Thu, Sep 8. 11:09 AM
I can see what you're doing. You thought I was gonna get an eye doctor who was going to cheat for me, and so you want to find an ear doctor that'll cheat for you. Come on man, you know me better than that, after all the things I've done for you. Remember when I got those two Italian girls to kiss you on each cheek, so you could have that awesome picture taken on my boat?
You obviously don't even need an ear doctor to tell if someone's deaf. You just need someone to say hello to people from behind.
Thu, Sep 8, 12:02 PM
Obviously, there's going to be too much commotion for someone to just be saying hello from behind. You think I didn't think of that? That's why we need an ear doctor. I never suspected you of getting a corrupt eye doctor, but now I'm thinking twice. Honestly, think I might just stay in with my wife that night, maybe you've heard of her, Angelina Jolie. Maybe she could have a fame off with one of your gameshow contestant girlfriends.
Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 12:54 PM
Ooooh, ouch. Forgot you married the lady from that crap movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. What other crap actor was in that movie? Oh yeah, you. Guess which crap actors aren't invited to my boat anymore? You and Angelina Jolie.
Thu, Sep 8, 2:29 PM
Hmm, okay, get insulted by some doctor from ER today - check. You know what they should have called Up In The Air? Up Is Grey Hair.
When I say up, I mean, up on your head. I thought of that a while ago, and didn't tell you.
Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 3:11 PM
Wow, who do you think you're talking to here, Ryan Reynolds? I have already threatened no more boat parties, and I mean it. I only did one insult, and you did three, you need to chill out.
Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 6:00 PM
Actually you insulted me and my wife, so that's two, except you also insulted our movie, so that's three. Also, it was the movie we fell in love on, so that's an extra dis. That means we're not even yet. So I will say this, the reason Renee Zellwegger squints so much is because she was in a movie with you and you're too ugly to look at without squinting.
Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 9:46 PM
That's honestly the dumbest dis. Because 1. Renee Zelwegger squinted way before our movie, Leatherheads, and 2. Everyone knows I'm not ugly. That doesn't even offend me, because obviously I'm not ugly.
Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 11:47 PM
If she always squinted so much, maybe you should have called your precious little eye doctor.
Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 11:42 AM
Okay, that one's actually pretty funny, man.
Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 2:20 PM
Thanks. So listen, you get the ear doctor and I'll get the eye doctor, and I'll see you at Sassafraz at eight.
Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 3:01 PM
Okay. Are you sure I shouldn't pick the eye doctor? Haha. Just kidding. Seeya then.