Saturday, May 30, 2009

Regarding My Recent Hiatus

Dear readers,

Regarding my recent unnanounced hiatus from professional literary humour blogging.

    My babies, I have been very busy. A while back I was asked to punch up the script for the recently released Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, starring Matthew Mcauhnehay and Jennifer Garner. As we neared release time my life proved too hectic for any creative endeavours. If you see the film, here are some of the scenes I wrote that I'm most proud of:


Uh, so just how many girls have you dated?

You ever been to New York City?

Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything...

About as many as how many people live there.


There's a party at Greg's apartment.

Hey Matthew.

Tina! what are you doing here!

Who's this girl?

This is... uh... this is my old college roomate... her name is uhh... (looks around room) chips and dip!

Your college roomate was a beautiful woman named chips and dip?

What can I say, I went to art school?

...Dear Jimmy Fallon,

     I'm writing the stupidest thing about that film Ghosts of Girlfriends Past for my stupid blog. Sometimes you have to pander to your fan base, most likely a bunch of bearded corduroy enthusiasts and girls who wear dress shirts under their t shirts, who can't stand the sight of two beautiful faces like Matthew Mcconaughey and Jennifer Garner, this generations Cary Grant and who ever the famous women were back then.
     Oh, you don't think Frasier is funny, oh really? Because it only won eight writing emmys, but I guess you know better than television professionals. I bet these 'comedy connoisseurs' even laughed when I pretended like I don't know how to spell Matthew Mcconaughey. Yeah, because I've never heard of this thing called google. Lol. I gotta get back to this, hang on...


Right so then Matthew maccunehu goes to this dinner party that Jennifer takes him to and this other ex shows up and it's so dumb and formulaic, don't you hate Hollywood films with great production values that you can actually just enjoy without having to think back to grade 10 philsophy?

... Jim, the reason I was writing originally is I thought you might have a job for me over there. Truth is, the real reason for my hiatus was I was busy writing some stuff for your show, which by the way I think is really a cutting edge program. 
   Mostly I've written four hundred jokes about the economy, that didn't get better yet did it? Check this out: 1. Have you heard about the economy? The economy I hear is so bad that Tom Cruise couldn't afford his crazy pills. 2. Hey have you guys heard about how bad the economy is? I heard that Jessica Simpson is skinny again, because she couldn't even afford any food.
There's a lot more Jim, and pretty much if you give me any name of a celebrity I can probably make an economy joke about it. It would help if they're involved in some sort of controversy though, like being crazy or fat. Shit, hang on...


It's the end of the movie, and Matthew Maacahnny just chased Jennifer Garner up to the top of the CN tower.

If you love Nancy and Jess and all those other girls so much why don't you just go be with them!

You see this? you see how much I care about them!

Matthew gets out his little black book with all of the ladies phone numbers and rips it up and throws it off the building. Then they kiss and the camera spins around. The end. And that's a bad movie because it makes people happy and hopeful that true love might exist.

... listen Jim, I'm gonna wrap this thing up, gimme a call or an email or whatever. I also have alot of George W. Bush jokes, which I dunno maybe we can just change the names if someone else does something dumb. I can do an impression of him too, if you need that, as well as a pretty serviceable Arnold Schwartzenegger. And I usually put them in unlikely situations like ordering a pizza or something. Like, George W. Bush ordering a pizza: "What would you like to order sir?" "Ughh, this is one of dem ordering thingys?"
The sooner you can get me writing for people who are normal and went to college and don't watch Ingmar Bergman films, the better.

All my best, and give my love to your wife, Drew Barrymore's friend,

Tom Henry

...In summation I'd like to thank you all for hanging in there with me through this long break, I love and appreciate you all so much. It's really refreshing to know that people are interested in comedy that's original and weird and not all about just being really funny and making people laugh.

Eternally grateful,

Tom (d) Henry


Vargas said...

Bloody hilarious. Matthew MaChugogPinnnqae is my favourite actor and I can't wait to see his and your work in GOGP. I'm especially pumped for the dinner party scene as it's already receiving so much buzz. And they say Britain's got Talent!

Anonymous said...

Saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and thought it was brill

Fallon sez you're top of the heap and king of the hill

your blog is superb and your jokes are a thrill

would like to invite you out for some beer-battered krill

Anonymous said...

glad yer BACK!

Anonymous said...

My favourite entry to date. Maybe that's because I'm such a fan of Garnahay: the couple. Don't tell me they're not a really couple. Don't tell me that!