Friday, January 9, 2009

A Letter To Sandwich

Dear Sandwich, 

I'm writing to let you know that I think you are a perfectly sufficient meal on your own. I send to you this sentiment in congruence with my belief that it's high time soup stopped riding your coat tails. 

I'm not sure how soup attained it's status in the first place, it's not much more than a hot fruit smoothie made of vegetables. I suppose in today's selfish consumerist society where everyone wants everything all at once, people are enamoured with a food that is both liquid and solid. It is true that if you enjoy inhaling soup steam as well, you are indeed consuming all possible states of matter in one sitting, surely a thrill for those SUV driving capitalist pigs. I assure you I will be eating tuna fish on rye as these yuppies gargle butternut squash along to Feist. 

I was perfectly fine with it staying in the dinner arena.  If larger dinner type meals want soup to open for them, I think that's ok, It's easily put in it's place. Dinner is a silly meal anyway, used for trivial matters such as sharing thoughts with your family, etc... In the serious world of lunch; however, soup is going for equal billing. It wants to be there as important business deals are pondered over, and exes subtly infer their lives are better than one another. 

Something must be done I say, and so I present to you the following measures I will be taking:

1. Draw Parallel with puke - Next time I'm out on a Saturday night and my friend points out a small puddle of throw - up, I'll turn to him/her* shrug and say, "Or maybe it's soup." 

2. Play with temperatures part 1 - When spotting soup eaters at my favourite lunch spot, I will "accidentally" knock their soup in to their lap, scalding them. If they are reasonable, they'll realize the high risk that comes with eating soup. If they are less reasonable, the sight of soup will now act as a sort of Pavlovian response mechanism for not eating soup. 
Note: Should they attempt to fight me, I will throw soup in their face, blinding them while also ridding the world of one more bowl or cup (whichever is at the ready).

3. Play with temperatures part 2 - On the other end of the temperature spectrum, an equally devilish plan. I will inconspicuously blow on the soup from my table using a common straw, rendering the meal slightly less appetizing. 

4. Decrease cultural significance - I will travel to the Museum of Modern Art and take a somewhat out of focus picture with Andy Warhol's famous soup cans. People will think they were painted kind of blurry; thus, damaging soup's cred in the art world forever. 

I sincerely hope these steps will make strides towards achieving your freedom. You are a hero and a national treasure, and I will probably see you tomorrow. 

With love and admiration,

Tom (D) Henry

*By / (slash) I meant OR. I was not referring to some kind of she-man/he-woman. 


Anonymous said...

mmmm, soup

Vargas said...

The best letter to Sandwich I have ever, I mean ever, read. You have written loud and clear: soup be damed, sandwich step up and claim the crown. Yours Sandwichly, VS.

PS I always knew Warhol wasn't all that focused.

nmce said...

Make haste!