Apartment 28

I got this message on myspace today -

"Hey, it's Jeff Torin! I just started a new band with Jay Iorio called "Apartment 28". Check us out and let me know what you think."

I wrote Jeff Torin back as was his want.

editorial note: I know sarcasm's pretty easy stuff, but sometimes it's just there, please forgive me.

Dear Jeff Torin,

It's Tom Henry!

When I checked my myspace today for no reason at all I was pleased to receive your message. It's not every day I get an ambitious young upstart asking me to check out their band. Oh wait, it is, it is every day. Regardless, I think 'Apartment 28' shows great promise.

First off, really fun name. Is that like the number of an apartment of someone in your band, or was that just some total off the top of your head kinda thing? Actually what would be really cool would be if it were a reference from some sort of movie or tv show that you're a fan of. Any of those origins would be pretty cool, and great interview fodder for dare I say, MTV? The name conjurs up some great images, like a living space of some sort that is probably on the second floor of a building.

What is especially unique and exciting about this project is that you've teamed up with Jay Iorio, a man who I don't personally know, but aslo don't know at all. That said, I have a preeeetty good feeling about him, I knew a guy named Jay once and he was certainly approaching almost being worth conversing with.

I haven't had a chance to 'check out' your music yet, but I look forward to it. Are there guitars in it? Golly, I hope so. I have the utmost confidence that despite the valliant yet utterly dissapointing efforts made by all of the bands who have ever randomly solicited me to listen to their music, Apartment 28 will make it all worth while.

It's really too bad that I have no connections at any of those big record labels, I would be sure to put you in contact with them. Sometimes it just makes me really mad that my uncle isn't a big deal, so I could help good intentioned folks like yourself out. You should keep trying though, and probably you will be discovered by a very rich and powerful man, in fact I'm almost certain of it! Please, promise not to forget about me when your song is played for a second in a season of Grey's Anatomy that ratings are down for, but still not bad.

Brimming with anticipation,

Tom Henry

Oh, hi.

Hi guys,

I'm telling jokish type things at The Ossington tonight (Wenesday). If I don't know you personally you should come out to it, or if you're an acquaintance that I don't care very much about.

If you asked for a letter, it's coming. I'm really slow, I apologize. It'll be a great letter though, keep waiting by your door. If you want one and you haven't asked, I can add you to my list of things I'm neglecting, right between adulthood and getting a Kierkegaard book to pretend to read on the subway.

Writing up soon soon. Here's a picture I drew of D.B. Cooper, look him up maybe.

tom d

Interview: James Cameron

On the heels of his latest magnum opus, Avatar, I had filmmaking giant James Cameron over to my house in Culver City to talk shop.

Tom Henry: James Cameron, thanks for coming out.

James Cameron: Can I talk about my new movie called Avatar?

TH: Yeah.

JC: It has the biggest budget ever.

Tom Henry: Ok.

JC: You know when you used to collect Marvel cards when you were a kid?

TH: Yeah

JC: With the amount I spent on this movie, I could have bought you very many of those cards.

TH: Well, that doesn't even make much sense.

JC: About a zillion dollars worth or whatever.

TH: Is that how much you spent?

JC: More than you'll ever see anyway.

TH: So not a zillion.

JC: Uh yeah, whatever, what's the most money you ever spent on anything?

TH: I'm not sure.

JC: Remember in the sixth grade when your friend gave you those shoes, but you didn't like the colour so you coloured them with black marker?

TH: Yeah, sort of.

JC: What a poor move.

TH: Sure, whatever.

JC: Did you ever have a dream where you were so rich, and then you woke up, and you were like damn?

TH: I guess.

JC: Yep.

TH: Can we talk about something else?

JC: Sure, what do you want to talk about, the dirt on the ground?

TH: No, I dunno, who are your influences?

JC: No one you've probably ever heard of.

TH: Why don't you just say.

JC: You know that kid from Malcolm In The Middle?

TH Frankie Muniz?

JC: Yeah, what he makes times about 400 million.

TH: That's not an influence.

JC: Not for you.

TH: Who are your filmmaking influences?

JC: Tim Burton.

TH: Really?

JC No, have you seen how much he spends on movies?

TH: No.

JC: Indie shit. That guy's an ammie.

TH: an amateur?

JC: Yeah, I call them ammies... You know that movie Titanic?

TH: Yeah, you made it.

JC: What a crappy little budget that movie had.

TH: So you're not happy with it?

JC: Leonardo Decaprio's so ugly, he's poor.

TH: I think he has a lot of money.

JC: Do you wanna know my only friend?

TH: Sure

JC: The Eiffel Tower, it's the only guy worth enough.

TH: I don't think it's a guy.

JC: I pay this guy to sort of sit near it and more or less embody it, so we can play cards and stuff.

TH: So you're friends with that guy?

JC: No, he's a peasant of some sort, I'm friends with the tower.

TH:...

JC: Do you have any food? I'm starving.

TH: Uh, yeah, what are you in the mood for?

JC: I haven't eaten in months.

TH: That's bad.

JC: I haven't found any food expensive enough.

TH: I guess I saw that coming.

JC: Can you do me a favour and charge me alot of money for some food? Because I think I might die.

TH: I guess so.

JC: Ok, my wallet needs to be airlifted here.

TH: That's so stupid, don't you have a bank card?

JC: I had a bank card made out of that stuff from Jurrasic Park.

TH: What stuff?

JC: Dinosaur.

TH: You have a bank card made out of dinosaur?

JC: Not anymore, I gave it to Bill Gates.

TH: Why Bill Gates?

JC: Seemed like he was down on his luck.

TH: I don't really want to talk to you anymore.

JC: Ok, can you call me one of those taxis that god drives for a handsome fee?

TH: That doesn't exist.

JC: Ok, bye.

Life's Funny

Hi, here's a video I made. I showed it earlier this month at the Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot. The Laugh Sabbath is Toronto's greatest comedy show that happens every Sunday at 9 pm, at the Rivoli. You should go!

I'm going to the city New York tomorrow, in the city holder (country) America. Here's an old story I wrote about New York from the early days of this blog, maybe you haven't read it, if you have, so sue me, I'm walking here!

Another Letter (Involving The Community)

Hi people,

This is another letter to a real life person. I'm gonna (going to) write some stuff other than these letters soon, but for now so what, read another letter, get off my case, take a hill pill (go lay on a hill and calm down).

This one is to a young lady named Kayla, she was kind enough to write me a few sentences. Thanks Kayla. Also, just thought you should know, there's a guy on the Toronto Raptors this year named Sonny Weems, good name right?

Dear Kayla,

These are very interesting. (In regard to the above mentioned sentences) Are they autobiographical book title ideas? Wait, don't answer that, it was just a reason for me to do this:

Here are my autobiographical book title ideas,

I Used Up All My Ambition Learning To Nap

Napping, And A Few Other Things

When Do I Get To Nap Again? Can I At Least Have A Cracker Or Something?

... There's a joke here, it's that I nap alot, funny, right?.

Continuing on, I admire your brave use of font. I'm afraid I don't share your youthful, throw everything to the wind mentality, and so I mustn't stray far from this thing they've named Sans Serif, medium size.

I'm afraid, for you, once one discovers the fun in fonts, one will end up in many extemporaneous conversations with graphic designers. They will refer you to a glut of books and films, unknown to the general population, dealing solely with font. They will tell you all about their love of Wes Anderson, and his use of Futura Bold. They probably also will tell you alot of boring things about an antique coffee maker they bought for their office.

I digress.

I'd now like to divert your attention to the fact that in the previous paragraph I've used a word that I've been wanting to for quite some time, and may have already, then forgot. (Hint: It's not extemporaneous (very poor hint: it is glut.))

If you or anyone can find the word glut in any of my writings, I will present to them a shiny two dollar coin, a shiny two dollar coin I will have to steal.

Other words I'd like to use someday, and probably already have:

uncouth

brevity

symphonium

parlay

covenant

Chayenne, Wyoming

specificity

squirrel

Please don't suggest I write a short story involving all these words, I am not a fun guy.

My many thanks to you for enjoying the gift I have unleashed into the world (95% sarcasm, 5% complete seriousness, I'm pretty sure there's some irony in there too, but I still don't really understand that concept.)

Sincerely yours,

Tom (d) Henry

ps. I have been posting these on my blog, not your letter but my response. I know it's slightly uncouth, but I badly need the approval of the four other strangers reading. Please kindly still regard this as a personal correspondence, and not a meager attempt on my behalf to generate material.

Letters And All That

As for my offer of personalized letters to anyone who asks. Here is one that I wrote to a person named Jordan. I think they might have asked for a letter to make fun of me, Jordan always seemed like a bit of a jock name. So you got me Jordan, go and print these out and paste them around the halls of the school, so everyone can laugh at me.

This actually was an email. I think some people may be confused, I originally wanted to send out snail mail and fancy myself some kind of a half retarded Ernest Hemingway, but if you want an email instead, I can do that too. I suppose some people may think if they gave me their address, I could actually afford to get to their house. If you are another person who asked for one, it is on its way sometime before the end in 2012, and if you still want one, golly, just say so.

Dear Jordan,

How to do this?

Well, in past emails I've had with people, I've had something like a UK email address to work with or something of that sort (then I can just say a bunch of stuff about England for example.) You just have a gmail, like me, so I'm going to have to be crafty.

In fact, I'm not even sure if you're a male or female, as Jordan can go both ways. I'm going to assume you're a male because of the jaguar you've put in your email address, like every young boy, you would draw pictures of wildcats with dinosaurs riding them, and eventually there came a time for you to choose an email address. However, if you are a female, take no offense, as a jaguar can also be sleek and feminine and all that.

Also in your address, I see the number 88, I'm gonna go with birthyear on that one, making you 21ish, congratulations on that. I heard they say the young waste their youth. Yeah, so, what are you gonna do about it old man? Either that or you're a fan of often concussed ex NHL'er Eric Lindros. I'm doubting that as I don't think he has very many fans.

The other option would be that you just like that number, well fine then, there ain't a damn thing I can do with that is there?

Ok, I'm going to move on as I had not really intended on doing some sort of email address analysis, but hey, I hadn't intended on staying up last night til' 4 am to watch back to back episodes of Frasier either. That's life I guess, sometimes you do very poor things with your time.

Of all the poor things you can do with your time, going on Jeopardy might be one of them, you don't make very much money by gameshow standards, and I imagine no one even thinks you're all that smart anyway. I mean I don't consider myself very smart, and I can get a bunch of those answers. (the easy ones anyway) So that would be some advice from me to you, don't go on Jeopardy. If you are 21 years old, you should take this advice. If you're much older than that, you should not take it, as you may be older than me, and you should never take advice from someone younger than you (the definition of being 'a loser').

Aha, here is the problem though, I've just told you not to take advice from those younger than you, but if you are older than me, and you don't take my first piece of advice, then you are in effect, taking my second piece. Wow, that's kind of like that riddle in the movie Labyrinth, that I've forgotten the answer to eighty times.

Here's another piece of advice for you possibly young, possibly male, possibly 21 year old Jordan. Parties are fun for you right now, I imagine, but as you approach your mid twenties, if you walk into a party and you hear the sound of a typewriter, run away, run as fast as you can. You see, typewriters are novel to us, living here in 'the digital age'. But if you end up at a party where this novelty is being confused for fun, just be ready to next be tasting interestingly flavoured hot chocolate from a farmer's market for fun.

If you insist; however, on going to these parties, try staring at the wall for a while and people will probably think you're interesting.

Thanks for reading my thing (blog).

Yours truly,

Tom (d) Henry

The Dumb Poet

What kind of guy would talk about wanting to update his blog more and then not do it for five days? This guy, that's who.

Here are some things I heard this one dumb poet saying.

"This sunset is so boring."

"I like vests so much, I scissor all my clothes up the middle."

"What's a adjective, babe?"

"This poem I wrote would be way better without all these words."

"I wish I could impress people by being angry about a lot of different things."

"Would the show Curb Your Enthusiasm be a good thing to write a poem about?"

"Can I go eat toast instead of doing this?"

"Poetic license? Shit, I just hope this place has a poetic liqour license."

~Some Dumb Poems~

My Sugar Man

"You're my sugar man." I said.

"I'm not sure what you mean." he said.

"You give me sugar." I said.

"Ok, no sorry." he said.

"You don't sell me candy?" I said.

"No." He said.

"Oh, I thought you were the guy from my corner store." I said.

"I'm not." He said.

"Sorry" I said, "I'm blind - from diabetes."

Uncle Swift Poppy

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

We always liked your name.

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

You brought our family shame.

Please change your name back to Swift Poppy,

We don't like you as Dennis Quaid.

-by Dennis Quaid's neice

My Hubris

What you said about my hubris, what did that mean?

I don't know that word.

Forget it.

I'm smarter than you anyway,

and better in most ways.

The Cheap Alcohol Society

The cheap alcohol society wants to get drunk for cheap.

We also want to meet new people.

If the new people are drunk,

we might try to kiss them.

If they're not,

we'll just try to drink for cheap.

The cheap alcohol society just wants to kiss drunk people.

Some Updates

Hi.

I've been doing some thinking about this blog, and if anyone reads it, I'll let you in on my thinking. I don't think this post is going to be funny.

Firstly.

I'd like to post more often. I'm thinking of a way to do that, but you know that Peter, Bjorn and John album, Writer's Block? Yeah, you get the point. Anyway, get off my back, you think it's easy to be blessed with my signature dumbish intellect? So maybe in between the longer things, I'll post shorter things, and inbetween the shorter things I'll post really dumb things. I also perform lively in Toronto from time to time, so maybe I'll let you know about those.

Secondly.

I'm kind of obsessed with letters, and I'd like to send short, personalized letters to anyone who sends me a mailing address. That would be great fun I think. I'm not expecting to get many requests, but if you think it would be too neat, email me at tomdhenry@gmail.com, maybe we can make it a thing!

Thirdly.

If you exist, and ever read this ol' pile of hay, thankyou. I've existed here for more than a year now. Any feedback about these ideas or any old thing is welcome.

Fourthly,

Ladies,

I have rabies. Whoops, I mean, hey babies.

tom (d) henry

Old Groaners

I just got to see a sneak peak early film festival screening of the new Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman film, Old Groaners, about two aging men trying to make sense of today's fast paced world. Here are some of my favourite lines, this one looks to be an instant classic.

"Oh, the internet? Is that the number twelve that keeps flashing on my VCR?"

"Oh yeah, by the way, why is it always twelve o'clock at my house? it's twelve o'clock every second. What the?"

"The internet? What a bunch of wires!"

"Who is Jessica Simpson? Is she like Homer Simpson? Who is Homer Simpson?"

"Text message? Like a typewriter?"

"Alarm clock? I just get woken up by that terradactyl. What happened to that terradactyl?" (email me for full list of dinosaur jokes)

"Frank Sinatra was good, more good than both of those new types of music."

"What time is it? 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12. What the?"

"I'm so new and hip, oh wait, I so need a new hip."

"Geez, I can't find my spectacles. Oh they're on my head."

"I can't find my car keys, Oh they're on my head."

"Oh, my car is so old, it's one of those old timey cars."

"Look at all this medicine, I take more pills than all the dreams I have about Ava Gardner. That's alot."

"My three least favourite words? Arth. Right. Us. Wait, arth isn't a word, never mind."

"Oh, sick means good now? Ok, give me the sickest lobster you have. I want to eat a very sick lobster."

"When I was a kid if you wanted to go into space, you just went into a space."

Old Groaners, Columbia Tristar Ent. Ltd. 2009

The Fruit Fly

Hi everyone, I've been busy working on my old film scripts again. Here's a sneak peek of the newest one, it's been optioned by a company.

The Fruit Fly is an exciting twist on an old classic, The Fly, about Seth Brundle, a man slowly becoming a fly. It's basically the same, except it's with a fruit fly. Enjoy.

SCENE 22

INT. MARK'S HOUSE. NIGHT.

SETH BRUNDLE

Mark, can I have this grape?

SCENE 35

INT. JENNY'S APT. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Wow, great apartment Jenny, do you have any fruit?

JENNY

No

SETH BRUNDLE

Ok, lates.

SCENE 54

EXT. STREET. DAY.

BETTY

Hey I'm having a party Saturday, you should come.

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh great, can my a million friends come?

BETTY

Huh?

SETH BRUNDLE

They're really annoying fun guys.

SCENE 61

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY.

WAITER

Our special today is a tomato salad.

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh ok, is that a fruit after all?

WAITER

I don't know.

SETH BRUNDLE

Uhh, just give me fifteen sides of fruit.

SCENE 63

INT. CLUB. NIGHT.

Seth sees a guy holding a guitar

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh you're a musician, have you ever heard that White Stripes song, fell in love with a plum?

SCENE 66

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Do you want one of these bananas?

DAVE

No thanks, I don't really like bananas.

SETH BRUNDLE

What!

DAVE

Yeah, I just don't really like the texture.

SETH BRUNDLE

You are an idiot.

DAVE

...

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh you're dumb.

SCENE 85

INT. GYM. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Hey do you know what my favourite part of my body is?

GEENA

What?

SETH BRUNDLE

My adam's apple.

GEENA

Oh.

SETH BRUNDLE

Except not really, cause it's not actually an apple.

Old West

I made this funny video with my smaller (and younger) brother. Writing up very soon. If you have any ideas what I should write about, tell me. Also, if you have any money I can have, I'll have it. Also any babes.

The Dumbest News Story

I just found the dumbest news story in the New York Times, it's so badly written and dumb.

Tobey Mcguire upset after being called "cat man"

"Then they called me the cat man", explains the Spiderman star, "I was eating dinner and eventually they called me the cat man." explains the frusterated Cider House Rules star, "I was eating cat food." explains Tobey Mcguire, "I wanted to make a joke back at them, like a comeback." explains the Kirsten Dunst love interest in Spiderman. "I thought of saying like, Well the cat man do... and then I couldn't really come up with an ending, or a point." explains the actor.

When asked for opinions the town that Tobey was in were split. Ernie from the corner store says Tobey bought some candy, so Ernie was calling him the candy man; "I like that name better, got more of a ring to it. If the boy wants to eat cat food, so be it, then someone just give him some candy. "If I had that kind of money, I'm more of a pork chop, if you see Tobey tell him to try a pork chop, and then a candy." Says Ernie, "Woops, did I say I'm a pork chop? I meant to say I'm a pork chop man."

-by Jonathan Ernst Helm, NY Times, June 4, 2009

Birthday Card

Hey,

This is a video I made for my good friend Lulu's birthday a bit ago. Some writing will be up in the next few short days (what?)

Also you can follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/thegreatgatsby I'm hilarious over there. Thanks for visiting. Happy 5th of July.

Interview: Kelsey Grammer

Mostly, my inerviews that I've posted here, I have been the subject, interviewed by an eager few celebrities whom I grant approval. Every now and again; however, someone so special comes along that I feel the need to turn my eyes on them. Ladies and gentleman, without further adieu, I give you Mr. Kelsey Grammer.

Tom Henry: Sir, it's a great honour.

Kelsey Grammer: The pleasure's mine. Would you like to get inside the mind of Frasier Crane?

TH: I'm so glad you asked. He's, in my mind, one of the great all time characters.

KG: Alot of the time on the show we would use irony as a comedic device.

TH: Interesting.

KG: Right, take for instance one of my favourite episodes. Niles and I have broken into a neighbour's condo apartment after a string of inevitably failed logic leads us there. Niles, as his character dictates, is noticably shaken, but not me, I'm getting high off it. I proclaim in an excited sort of half whisper, half talk; "I'm a cunning cat burglar, I have nerves of steel." Just as I finish that sentence, the door opens, I shriek; "aaaaah!"

Frasier is full of contradictions and character flaws, it makes him very funny and also very relatable.

TH: I've noticed that.

KG: Other times the character of Roz and I would play vaudeville pitch perfectly. I would have a cold, probably from the famous Seattle rain, and I would be coughing fervently. Roz comes in and says; "I haven't heard that much coughing since I was backstage at the Carribean Reggae Sunsplash concert."

Some of the episodes I'm most proud of are when I'm not aware that someone's right behind me, so I say something innapropriate about them very loudly. And then usually, I see the looks of shock and consternation on everyone's faces, and I tack on rather slowly and feebly; "...and they're right behind me aren't they?" and of course they are.

TH:...

KG: My other favourites are the times when I'm talking to someone, and we're both talking about different things, but we think we're talking about the same thing. Like, I say; I rear - ended somebody, and I mean it in the most literal sense, like a car accident, but they have been lead to believe I'm speaking in sexual inuendo.

That wasn't really the device irony, we had a name for those episodes, I can't remember right now.

TH: What's your real life like now?

KG: It's alot like Frasier actually. My wife sometimes jokes, "Uh oh, you're making that Frasier face again."

TH: What's that face look like?

KG: Most of the faces I make in Frasier are from real life, so I guess that's why she gets confused. And also she looks alot like a mix between Daphne and Roz.

TH: Oh really?

KG: Yeah, her name is Raphne.

TH: What kind of a name is that?

KG: I think she's Polish. She makes great stew, Campbell's Chunky.

TH: Quite the coincidence.

KG: Similarities aside, her comedic timing is terrible.

TH: Has that been a problem?

KG: Of course I love her for whoever she is, but sometimes I wish there would be like an incriminating message on the answering machine, and she would be like; "What is this?" and I would get all flustered, but then cover it up like; "hahaha, that's my friend playing a trick on me, not a real message."

TH: She can't keep up though?

KG: Well I guess the first problem is I don't get those messages, plus we have an answering service, not one of those outloud playing answering machines.

TH: Oh

KG: We usually just watch movies and stuff. We just got an early screening of the new Pixar film, Dear Deer. It's about a buck who wants to write letters, but is inhibited by it's hooves.

TH: Moving on, you played Beast in the X-Men. What was that like?

KG: X-Men is a huge franchise, much like Frasier. It was nice being on that set, Professor X really reminded me of Marty Crane, full of wisdom and with a passion for justice, Marty being an ex-cop of course, and Professor X being the head of a crime fighting syndicate.

I think Martin would have made a great X-man actually, but those dreams probably would've gone out the window when his wife, my mother, Hester died.

Funny thing actually, she's long dead before the show starts, but in one great episode I date Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks' wife. Here's the kicker, she looks just like my dead mom, so that plays in to the whole Freud thing, because of course Frasier is a psychologist.

TH: Was Tom Hanks on set?

KG: Yeah, we don't really get along. I don't know this for definite, but I'm pretty sure he was up for the part of Frasier.

TH: Thanks for your time.

KG: Goodnight Seattle, I love you.

TH: haha

KG: I mean, cheers.

TH: Ok.

KG: Cheers.

Regarding My Recent Hiatus

Dear readers,

Regarding my recent unnanounced hiatus from professional literary humour blogging.

    My babies, I have been very busy. A while back I was asked to punch up the script for the recently released Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, starring Matthew Mcauhnehay and Jennifer Garner. As we neared release time my life proved too hectic for any creative endeavours. If you see the film, here are some of the scenes I wrote that I'm most proud of:

EXT. PARK. DAY.

JENNIFER GARNER
Uh, so just how many girls have you dated?

MATTHEW MCAUGNENNY

You ever been to New York City?

JENNIFER GARNER
Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything...

MATTHEW MCAUHNEY
About as many as how many people live there.

INT. GREG'S APARTMENT. DAY.

There's a party at Greg's apartment.

TINA
Hey Matthew.

MATTHEW MACAUGNQAY
Tina! what are you doing here!

JENNIFER GARNER
Who's this girl?

MATTHEW MCHAUNAGHY
This is... uh... this is my old college roomate... her name is uhh... (looks around room) chips and dip!

JENNIFER GARNER
Your college roomate was a beautiful woman named chips and dip?

MATTHEW MACUGHNEHE
What can I say, I went to art school?


...Dear Jimmy Fallon,

     I'm writing the stupidest thing about that film Ghosts of Girlfriends Past for my stupid blog. Sometimes you have to pander to your fan base, most likely a bunch of bearded corduroy enthusiasts and girls who wear dress shirts under their t shirts, who can't stand the sight of two beautiful faces like Matthew Mcconaughey and Jennifer Garner, this generations Cary Grant and who ever the famous women were back then.
     Oh, you don't think Frasier is funny, oh really? Because it only won eight writing emmys, but I guess you know better than television professionals. I bet these 'comedy connoisseurs' even laughed when I pretended like I don't know how to spell Matthew Mcconaughey. Yeah, because I've never heard of this thing called google. Lol. I gotta get back to this, hang on...

INT. DINNER PARTY. NIGHT.

Right so then Matthew maccunehu goes to this dinner party that Jennifer takes him to and this other ex shows up and it's so dumb and formulaic, don't you hate Hollywood films with great production values that you can actually just enjoy without having to think back to grade 10 philsophy?

... Jim, the reason I was writing originally is I thought you might have a job for me over there. Truth is, the real reason for my hiatus was I was busy writing some stuff for your show, which by the way I think is really a cutting edge program. 

   Mostly I've written four hundred jokes about the economy, that didn't get better yet did it? Check this out: 1. Have you heard about the economy? The economy I hear is so bad that Tom Cruise couldn't afford his crazy pills. 2. Hey have you guys heard about how bad the economy is? I heard that Jessica Simpson is skinny again, because she couldn't even afford any food.
There's a lot more Jim, and pretty much if you give me any name of a celebrity I can probably make an economy joke about it. It would help if they're involved in some sort of controversy though, like being crazy or fat. Shit, hang on...

EXT. SOME STUPID STREET. EXT.

It's the end of the movie, and Matthew Maacahnny just chased Jennifer Garner up to the top of the CN tower.

JENNIFER GARNER
If you love Nancy and Jess and all those other girls so much why don't you just go be with them!

MATTHEW MCCcAGHNNONI
You see this? you see how much I care about them!

Matthew gets out his little black book with all of the ladies phone numbers and rips it up and throws it off the building. Then they kiss and the camera spins around. The end. And that's a bad movie because it makes people happy and hopeful that true love might exist.

... listen Jim, I'm gonna wrap this thing up, gimme a call or an email or whatever. I also have alot of George W. Bush jokes, which I dunno maybe we can just change the names if someone else does something dumb. I can do an impression of him too, if you need that, as well as a pretty serviceable Arnold Schwartzenegger. And I usually put them in unlikely situations like ordering a pizza or something. Like, George W. Bush ordering a pizza: "What would you like to order sir?" "Ughh, this is one of dem ordering thingys?"
The sooner you can get me writing for people who are normal and went to college and don't watch Ingmar Bergman films, the better.

All my best, and give my love to your wife, Drew Barrymore's friend,


Tom Henry

...In summation I'd like to thank you all for hanging in there with me through this long break, I love and appreciate you all so much. It's really refreshing to know that people are interested in comedy that's original and weird and not all about just being really funny and making people laugh.

Eternally grateful,

Tom (d) Henry

Slim Twig

My mainest man Slim Twig just released his first full length album entitled, Contempt! When he first gave me a special early listening copy, he had written Conempt! so I'd like to announce that I'm officially taking credit for the T in this epic album, and any good review attained thus far is now null and void on account of not mentioning my influence.
To celebrate this special occasion 'Slim' and I sat down for an email conversation about music and life, unfortunately he never answered his questions, while I slaved away answering his. Here it is Tom Henry, Slim Twig:

ST: Tom, in October you posted an interesting interview you did with Modern Guitars Magazine that made several references to guitar virtuoso Greg Howe. What is your opinion of virtuosos musical or otherwise? Do you consider yourself a virtuoso of the blog scene? Lastly, how did Howe respond to your negative assessments & were you successful in uncorking an interdisciplanary virtuoso beef?

TH: I've always thought of myself as the Kevin Eubanks of blogging. Eubanks is the wisest of all guitar virtuosos, he's had to listen to every single Leno monologue for the past twenty years. when you live through Leno monologues, twenty minutes becomes a week, and when you add that up Kevin Eubanks is something like 150 years old. I also appreciate that he never plays a song over fifteen seconds long, These guys like Howe think it's cool to play songs that go into the three and four minute range.
As for Howe, I don't think you can really call it a beef, it's more of a 50 cent/ Ja Rule situation. He's through. I single handedly took a guitar rif master and rendered him less cool than a drummer. The only sessions Greg Howe is taking part in now are in Lance Bass and Clay Aitkens new "band" if you know what I mean. I mean that he's gay and not in the good way - in the inappropriate derogatory way.

ST: Your fascination with celebrity has seen you defaming everyone from Jay Leno to Seth Rogen. Still, I notice you haven't taken a crack at many celebrity musicians or musician / actors (Russell, Keanu, Bruce etc...). Are you intimidated by the possibility of a battle of the bands or rock-off challenge? What about a dance off?

TH: Rogen and I actually made up. He's casting me in his new movie, I play a guy who thinks women are hot and likes beer/weed.
Regarding the actor/musicians you mentioned, they all tend to have large muscles and/or the ability to download karate moves, so you pick your battles.
I'd be open to a rock off but I'd have to set a few ground rules; no instruments, no sounds made with mouth, no noise allowed for that matter, no body movements. Did I mention I was regional standing champion '98-'99? The rules for the dance off would be very similar.

ST: Recently you collaborated with local photographer, and Toronto music scene documentarian Danielle Nemet (of Sombre Reptiles photoblog fame). Do you find the local music scene to be at all inspiring? Do you go to 'gigs' with any regularity?

TH: I do frequent Toronto gigs. What really bothers me about Toronto's music scene is the lack of adaptability. In my mind if U2 is the most popular band, then really everyone should be attempting their sound, that's just simple economics. Long story short, the answer's no, there are no good bands in Toronto, and I double as a Toronto music critic, so that opinion is actually fact.

ST: What is your desert island record, or do you still not own a stereo?

I still don't own a stereo, but my favourite album is the No Country for Old Men soundtrack.

ST: Lastly, who is the smelliest, or most groupie-abusing member of Vampire Weekend? Do you have any other amusing tour stories from your stint as maraca shaker in this cute african pop band & critical favourite?

TH: Firstly, I need to correct you, our sound is purely original, so there actually are no African influences. Furthermore in addition to the maraca, I play the djembe, kalimba and marimba. In answer to your question, all of the members of VW (the band) use Axe bodyspray almost religously, and it's impossible to abuse a groupie, they love it.
There is this one really funny story.We were touring once and we all had to sleep in this small hotel room that was meant for probably three less people then we had, and we all just looked at each other and said; "Well, this is life on the road."



Slim Twig's Contempt! is out now, you can buy it in stores and internets, I'm assuming.

and if you haven't heard this guy please go to myspace.com/slimtwig

Syllogisms

Sleep is the cousin of death.
Being awake is the cousin of life.
Being awake is life.
Life is it's own cousin.

therefore Existence is inbred.



They say geniuses pick green
All Nosepickers pick green

therefore All nosepickers are geniuses.
(Until they pick too far, thus picking red.)



Only way I'm interested in your dream: It's about me.
"You were you but you weren't you.": only sort of about me.
Amount dream must be about me: More than sort of.

therefore I don't care about your dream.



The Japanese are very efficient.
Computers are very efficient.

therefore Yuppies eating computer food, dying. World peace achieved. Feist record sales drop.



Vegetarians love animals so they don't eat them.
Vegetarians love vegetables so they eat them.
Vegetarians are confused about love.

therefore Vegetarians' children live in constant fear.
(Attempt to stay away from lentils.)






Portuguese prime minister Jose Socrates is a mortal man

F. Scott Fitzgerald

As anyone who reads this blog knows I have something of a penchant for correspondence. Recently, I've been reading the collected letters of F. Scott Fitzgerald.  The letters of this great American master range from heartbreaking realizations to his former love Zelda, to talking shop with Ernest Hemingway. There were a few letters however that I found a little odd. Here they are.

1403 North Laurel Avenue

Hollywood, California

August 24, 1940

Dear Candy Store,

How many times must I tell you to leave out the yellow jube jubes from the jube jube bin? Have you any idea who I am? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

1307 Park Avenue

Baltimore, Maryland

May 11, 1935

Dear Friend, 

Have I made a terrible mistake by going by F.? It's just struck me that it's not so much a name but a letter. Whilst travelling easterly by air, I was going through the alphabet and realized that most men have chosen as many as six or seven of these letters arranged in different interesting ways. 

F? Scott Fitzgerald

14 Rue de Tilsett

Paris, France

August 13, 1925

Dear Reviewer, 

In your review of my book, you quipped that The Great Gatsby, should merely have been called The Good Gatsby. I am writing to inform you that I have changed the title of the book to The Much Greater and Better than you, the reviewer to whom I'm writing this letter, Gatsby. Be warned I am not bluffing. My appetite for revenge burns deep within me (copyright).

F. Scott Fitzgerald

5521 Amestoy Avenue

Encino, California

April 11, 1940

Dear Editor, 

I feel not like writing anymore. Do you think anyone would mind terribly if we adapted the Archie comics in to a novel?  Do you reckon this Jughead fellow could pass as a Yale man? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Garden of Allah Hotel

Hollywood, California

February 22, 1938

Dear future president Harry S. Truman, 

Good sir, I have great respect for your name, but might you consider changing it slightly to S. Harry Truman? This I believe will be much more becoming; however, you must always be sure to utilize the period after the S or else I'm afraid your name may resemble that of a ladies, a price this country can ill afford.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Creep Crepe

Writing up on Thursday. Thanks for Coming  

-TH

A Few Quick Letters 2

Dear athletes, 

Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.

Dear toilet paper,

Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.

Dear mothers,

There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think. 

Dear mother,

Please disregard the above statement.

Dear philosophers,

What's the point? (Don't answer that)

Dear bookmarks,

You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.

Dear Kevin Spacey, 

Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.

Dear walk-in closet,

I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor. 

Dear eyes, 

If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?

Dear glass doors, 

There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.

Dear murderers, 

Things I like about you: 

You haven't murdered me yet.

Dear Daniel Day Lewis,

Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.

Dear dog, 

Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.

p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.

Dear own medicine, 

Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.

Very Short Plays

THE OFFICE PARTY

act 1. scene 1.

EMPLOYEE 1: 

Hey, during this tough economy, it was a great idea to hire this cheap Jack Nicholson impersonator as entertainment.

EMPLOYEE 2:

Thanks, yeah, Christian Slater is doing a great job.

THE MAN WHO ALWAYS GETS ONE LETTER WRONG THUS HIS LIFE RESEMBLES A REALLY BAD COMIC STRIP

act 1. scene 1.

MAN: 

Here's that pigeon wearing lingerie you ordered. 

OTHER MAN:

I said exotic bird!

TWO OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE GREET EACH OTHER

act 1. scene 1.

PERSON 1:

I miss your face!

PERSON 2: 

Where have you been my whole life?!

MIKE TYSON: POST IMPRESSIONIST

act 1. scene 1.

MIKE TYSON:

Here I lie, with all this artistic talent, a tortured artist. I shouldn't have eaten Van Gogh's ear.

FRIEND WHO IS ANNOYING AFTER MIDNIGHT

act 1. scene 1.

BEN:

Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow.

RICH:

Well, technically I'll see you today.

THE TABLE  &  THE COASTER

act 1. scene 1.

TABLE:

My sole purpose is to put things on. Everytime you impose yourself between me and a glass you tell me I can't do my job! (pause) The scars of condensation would be far less painful than what you're putting me through.

THE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ACTING

act 1. scene 1.

DAISY:

Do you remember daddy's wheat fields back in Nebraska? Remember how they smell on a humid August night? 

GREG:

Hang on, I'm trying to, using the technique of sense memory. Is it time for my soliloquy?

VERY FAT CANNIBAL

act.1 scene 1.

JON:

Hey, I ate that book club sandwich you told me about.

ROOMATE:

That was my book club!

A Very Special Interview

I recently was interviewed by the ghost of Heath Ledger. Here it is.

Tom Henry and I met on a Tuesday afternoon at his recording studio in Culver City, Los Angeles. He didn't want me at his house as I would scare his cats. He's been working for the past six weeks on a series of audio books for people with speech impediments. "I'm not a speech therapist, but I figured they could listen to me talk and then try to talk like me." explains Tom. 

It's this kind of straightforward thinking that's put the man in the place that he is. I hadn't had any real desire to return to the physical realm until I observed him elegantly waving a conductor's wand to control the pitch of his own voice as he spoke defined S sounds. Saviour of those with lisp, and many without, and a damn good reason for me to return for twenty minutes. 

Heath Ledger: Hey mate.

Tom Henry: Hey man, we miss you down here.

HL: I miss you too.

TH: I saw a beautiful tribute to your life the other day, had like clips from all your films in slow motion. 

HL: Have you seen any of my films?

TH: Yeah, I saw Moulin Rouge.

HL: I wasn't in that.

TH: Bewitched?

HL: No mate.

TH: You were married to Tom Cruise right?

HL: No mate, that's Nicole Kidman.

TH: Oh, sorry.

HL: I was in Brokeback Mountain.

TH: I thought that was Nicole Kidman, about a straight cowboy/cowgirl couple

HL: No mate. I got into a bit of drug trouble, have you ever? 

TH: I grew tired of people telling me blood was blue inside of you, so I inject red dye a few times a day.

HL: Not really a drug is it?

TH: Well, the peace of mind has a definite calming affect.

HL: Does it work?

TH: There's no way to tell. I imagine it's actually a shade of purple now, but when I bleed it's extra red. They want to start using my blood in candy canes in place of spider blood. 

HL: I didn't know they use spider blood. 

TH: That's what a vegan told me once. Maybe she just couldn't think of a better way to say no to a candy cane. 

HL: I need to ask you something, will you accept my Oscar for me? 

TH: I'm sorry, I have plans. 

HL: What are you doing? 

TH: I take yoga to meet women. 

HL: I see. 

TH: Not in a romantic way, I just like to know people who breathe very well, they just happen to be mostly women. It looks like you're a shoe-in for the award though.

HL: Good, I hate to lose. 

TH: Me too, there is one game that's really good to lose though.

HL: What is it? 

TH: Musical electric chairs. 

HL: Mate, that's true. Do you think about mortality much? 

TH: ...What?.. I'm sorry I'm a little out of sorts, today I went to take a sip of what I thought was orange juice and it turned out to be orange strawberry banana juice. 

HL: I understand. 

TH: Not quite sure how you get juice out of a banana.

HL: Do you have any questions for the spirit realm. 

TH: Yeah, ask Einstein if he's so smart why he's still not alive again.

HL: Thanks for your time Tom, do you think I'll see you anytime soon?

TH: The world needs me Heath. 

The Man Who Sold The World

Man: Hey, you wanna buy the world? 

Other man: How much does it cost?

Man: Not very much.

Other man: What's wrong with it?

Man: Nothing, it's fine, I just don't want it anymore. 

Other man: Is there much ugliness there? 

Man: No, not really. Sometimes people  spit out their gum and other people step in it. That's about it.

Other man: Any wars? 

Man: Not that I know of. Every now and then people argue about, you know, the normal stuff... like people chewing gum too loudly, that kind of thing.

Other man: So, no famine, misery, death?

Man: Look, I'm gonna level with you, we have a major gum problem.

Other man: Well that doesn't sound too serious.

Man: So you'll buy it? 

Other man: The world? Yes.

Man: That'll be forty dollars.

Kurt Cobain & David Bowie play Monopoly

Siblings

I have a twelve year old brother and a twenty-seven year old sister, I've been trying to write something that would appeal to them both, and I think I finally got it. Here it goes.

Don't you hate it when your video game overheats when you're about to use it in a performance art?

Men with beards are scary, but also sexy.

Paying rent and chocolate bars are alot the same; they both make your stomach hurt a little but provide you with great self satisfaction. Am I right?

Bad action films are awesome and also ironically awesome.

Dinner parties with friends is one of the best ways to spend your time, and by dinner parties I could mean eating boiled hot dogs and drinking milk.

Life is hard, it can crush your spirit, Adam Sandler is funny.

Steven Spielberg

Sombre Reptiles

I often go and admire my friend Danielle Nemet's photos over at Sombre Reptiles.  And so to show those poets they're not so special, I've put together a series of poems to go along with some of Danielle's photos. tomdhenry/Sombre Reptiles mash up!

I was looking at some birds
When I became afire
All I really wanted to do
Was stand and bird admire

The fire it turns out
Was not what I had thought
T'was a sweet guitar riff
But I'm still a little hot






I sing songs to girls all day
I wish they all could look at me this way
They usually just turn to me an say "I don't like music."
Which seems unlikely






The trees are mourning us
They think we're all dead
What they don't know is
We go up the chimney and overhead

If our families saw us like this
They might flip, see
They'd need a few extra hugs
From the hippy






If you wanted one of these two haircuts
You're outta luck - we're closed.
If you want the one in the middle though
Just put a sheet over your head






Sing me a song red man
And it better be good
Because I'm racist against the red
And I'm not referring to the slur about Native Americans
I really like them
I mean people who stand in red lights
I guess what I'm trying to say is
My girlfriend dumped me in a darkroom






It's so late
My lamp wont stay up straight

My pillow is too vertical against the wall
I had to put my magazine down
Just to get a way from it all
And on top of that all
It takes so long
Just to make a phone call.






I remember the days
When we always saw in double
We were too in love
That was the trouble
It looks like we had cool hair
And wore overalls
But I can't really tell
Because I can't remember that particular day






My songs are so wussy
So high and so light
They say it's my own fault
For sitting too far right

A Letter To Sandwich

Dear Sandwich, 

I'm writing to let you know that I think you are a perfectly sufficient meal on your own. I send to you this sentiment in congruence with my belief that it's high time soup stopped riding your coat tails. 

I'm not sure how soup attained it's status in the first place, it's not much more than a hot fruit smoothie made of vegetables. I suppose in today's selfish consumerist society where everyone wants everything all at once, people are enamoured with a food that is both liquid and solid. It is true that if you enjoy inhaling soup steam as well, you are indeed consuming all possible states of matter in one sitting, surely a thrill for those SUV driving capitalist pigs. I assure you I will be eating tuna fish on rye as these yuppies gargle butternut squash along to Feist. 

I was perfectly fine with it staying in the dinner arena.  If larger dinner type meals want soup to open for them, I think that's ok, It's easily put in it's place. Dinner is a silly meal anyway, used for trivial matters such as sharing thoughts with your family, etc... In the serious world of lunch; however, soup is going for equal billing. It wants to be there as important business deals are pondered over, and exes subtly infer their lives are better than one another. 

Something must be done I say, and so I present to you the following measures I will be taking:

1. Draw Parallel with puke - Next time I'm out on a Saturday night and my friend points out a small puddle of throw - up, I'll turn to him/her* shrug and say, "Or maybe it's soup." 

2. Play with temperatures part 1 - When spotting soup eaters at my favourite lunch spot, I will "accidentally" knock their soup in to their lap, scalding them. If they are reasonable, they'll realize the high risk that comes with eating soup. If they are less reasonable, the sight of soup will now act as a sort of Pavlovian response mechanism for not eating soup. 

Note: Should they attempt to fight me, I will throw soup in their face, blinding them while also ridding the world of one more bowl or cup (whichever is at the ready).

3. Play with temperatures part 2 - On the other end of the temperature spectrum, an equally devilish plan. I will inconspicuously blow on the soup from my table using a common straw, rendering the meal slightly less appetizing. 

4. Decrease cultural significance - I will travel to the Museum of Modern Art and take a somewhat out of focus picture with Andy Warhol's famous soup cans. People will think they were painted kind of blurry; thus, damaging soup's cred in the art world forever. 

I sincerely hope these steps will make strides towards achieving your freedom. You are a hero and a national treasure, and I will probably see you tomorrow. 

With love and admiration,

Tom (D) Henry

*By / (slash) I meant OR. I was not referring to some kind of she-man/he-woman.