2008 YEAR IN REVIEW

Why are you so serious?

2008 was a wild and wooly one. Proud parents all over the globe made '08 the year of the parent and kids proclaimed; we don't want no homework no more. Here's a look at the rest of the year.

IMPORTANT THINGS THAT HAPPENED 

Britney Spears Invents Wall-E - It was at her weekly exorcism with Mel Gibson, Britney awoke in a tizzy. She had had one of '08's new phenomenon's; an enviro-nightmare, but this one was different, the robots had fallen in love. Their circuit boards a twitter, the robots would have to find a way to express their fondness through a series of bleeps and other traditional computer sounds, this was to be a love story like no other. Pixar was contacted, the rest is history.

Russel Crowe hits cartoon character - "He was giffin' me off so I snookered him in the crimmit." explained the Australian. Crowe was dismayed though upon news the loveable character was female, "Bloody timbit, I never would've pintered it, had I known 'twas a maimie." 

Rise of the prance party - NYC - Picture a dimly lit club in SOHO, partygoers sweat off the July heat, a frenzy ensues, but there's no dancing. The kids of today are prancing. NY's hottest prance dj, Sleazy Peasant, explains; "The kids want to move but they don't always want to dance. Before you could either not move or dance, or sort of move your arms I guess. Now we prance, we prance to the music." 

"I love that little robot." - Britney

MOVIES

I only watched three films this year (other than Wall-E, which transcends film). They are the best three films.

Iron Man - A movie star played in a superhero film then died of a drug overdose and it wasn't Robert Downey Jr.

Batman - I'm really surprised no one's talking about Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker. when Ledger wins his posthumous Oscar, I propose it be accepted by Jack Nicholson, the real Joker. Here's how his speech would go: "I shaved my goddamn head bald to play a cancer patient and all this dingo riding hop-scotcher had to do was play the same part I played twenty years ago? I'm keeping this. A lot of that hair ain't coming back you know."

Twilight - In a year that was bloated with the overhyping of global warming, full blown pop culture phenomenon Twilight sent an important political message about the dangers of iron deficient teenagers. We need to get moving on this one Mr. Obama.

TELEVISION

I kept meaning to watch The Hills, but I really want to read the book first.

MUSIC

Album of The Year - 808's & Heartbreak - I was severely touched by Kanye West's homage to his late  mother. The message is clear you dear sweet man, you're too broken up to make tolerable music anymore. Bless your soul.

Also anything by Vampire Weekend, obviously. 

TOM HENRY '08

My personal triumphs and failures

Rocket Science - I thought about becoming an astronaut then quickly decided not to, in hopes of not offending gravity. Gravity is one of the worst enemies to have, gravity and the ghosts of flies.

Beef Patties - The beef patties were being overheated at the corner store this year. 

Music career - With the help of my macbook, I can now record purposely bad but hopefully good music. 

Beef Patty resembling TV's Jay Leno

THINGS TO WATCH FOR IN '09

Greg Kinnear

Thanks a million to everyone who came here in '08. '09's gonna be crazy here on this blog, so stay tuned, and tell your friends (If they're cool).

Yours inevitably, 

Tom (d) Henry

Christmas Is Over, We Can Laugh Again

What did the guy who needed some milk but not a ton but a good amount say to the store clerk? 

Take me to your litre.

- Joke by Zach Braff

Scrubs star and modern day auteur Zach Braff mailed me this joke for Christmas. This is a transcript of my thankyou phonecall. 

Ring.

Receptionist: Hello, Zach Braff's receptionist speaking.

Tom: Hi, with whom am I speaking?

Receptionist: This is Lynn. 

Tom: Hi Lynn, is Zach in? 

Lynn: He's in rehearsal right now.  

Tom: That can be paused right?

(Zach yells in the background.)

Zach: Hello, Zach Braff here.

Tom: Zach, Tom Henry here.

Zach: Tom. Wow. Hey.

Tom: I'm calling about your joke. What are you rehearsing for?

Zach: I'm starring in the Alanis Morrisette bio-pic. I've been living in a stable for research.

Tom: You directing too? 

Zach: Of course.

Tom: I keep trying to tell people Garden State was a good film, but they won't believe me.

Zach: What can you do? People want to criticize without even watching the movie.

Tom: No, they watched it.

Zach:... 

Tom: Listen, the joke, I liked it.

Zach: Yeah?!

Tom: It was clever, I always knew that tall hair set you apart a bit.

Zach: I've actually been tucking it behind my ears lately.

Tom: Text me that look, ok? 

Zach: Ok.

Tom: You sent me the joke for Christmas, and I was wondering if it's a Christmas joke. 

Zach: To me it is, my holidays back home sort of revolve around dairy. 

Tom: Egg nog, fine cheese, pie topping... 

Zach: Yeah, and a lot of just straight milk drinking.

 

Tom: You grow out of babyhood, and you stop drinking your own species milk and venture in to other species. I'm not jewish but as a right of passage when I turned thirteen, I drank a glass of goat's milk. 

Zach: Did you feel like a man? 

Tom: I felt like a goat. 

Zach: ...

Tom: Do you wanna know what my holidays revolve around? 

Zach: What? 

Tom: I dunno, goddamn friends, family. Not milk. 

Zach: Mm. 

Tom: Clive Owen came over this year, he said it was a laugh. 

Zach: I'm a big fan of his. 

Tom: I think he would've said it was a great laugh, but that's not really a Britishism is it? 

Zach: I'm from New Jersey.

Tom: Anyway, I thank you for the joke, and as a Christmas offering, I'd like to impart to you some wisdom. 

Zach: Great. Lemme get a pen. 

Tom: I once learnt a lesson from trying to eat thirty grapefruits. 

Zach: ...? (signifying an air of curiousity) 

Tom: Grapefruits and grapes aren't interchangeable. 

Zach: Thanks. 

Tom: I could have learnt the same lesson by eating one grape slowly. 

Zach: Hm.

Tom: I'm gonna let you go ZB, will I see you at my annual New Years Eve party on the Mason Dixon line?

Zach: You bet. 

Tom: Great, ciao. 

Phone hangs up with the help of human hand(s).

*For Lulu. I've never had such a good use for a wall, even when it was keeping me safe from the rest of the animals. 

( No more dedications for a while, I promise.)

-------------------------

Also, I snuck my way into this interview with the talented Slim Twig by the talented Ben Dugas. Check it out if you know what's good for ya.  No Ones Laughing But you - Slim Twig

Pulp Fiction Redux

I was reading my Pulp fiction screenplay (as I do) when I realized that it was missing one thing - me. So I rewrote the entire film with Tom Henry as an intricate character weaving in and out of each storyline . This; however, proved a challenge as out of respect for QT (Quentin Tarantino) I have not touched or added a single line of dialogue or direction for the other characters. I think it turned out great and am keeping my fingers crossed that Quentin will reshoot, despite the evident  bloating of John Travolta. 

If anyone reading, for some reason, doesn't know me and is having trouble picturing this, you can buy me lunch to better understand this scene. If anyone hasn't seen Pulp Fiction, I will give you my copy in exchange for lunch.

So, this is the scene where a troubled Vincent takes an overdosing Mia to drug dealer Lance's house, much to the chagrin of Lance and his quarrelsome life-mate Jody. 

This one's for me mum, the screenwriter, happy birfday.

28. INT. LANCE'S HOUSE - NIGHT 28.

WE START in Lance's and Jody's bedroom.

Jody, in bed, throws off the covers and stands up. She's wearing a long tee-shirt with a picture of Fred Flintstone on it.

We follow HANDHELD behind her as she opens the door, walking through the hall into the living room.

        JODY
It's only one-thirty in the goddamn
mornin'! What the fuck's goin' on
out here?

As she walks in the living room, she sees Vincent and Lance standing over Mia, who's lying on the floor in the middle of the room.

From here on in, everything in this scene is frantic, like a

DOCUMENTARY in an emergency ward, with the big difference here being nobody knows what the fuck they're doing.

        JODY
Who's she?

Lance looks up at Jody.

        LANCE
Get that black box in the bedroom I
have with the adrenalin shot.

        JODY
What's wrong with her?

        VINCENT
She's O.D.ing on us.

JODY
Well get her the hell outta here!

        LANCE AND VINCENT
(in stereo)
Get the fuckin' shot!

        JODY
Don't yell at me!

She angrily turns and disappears into the bedroom looking for the shot. Just then Tom Henry walks through the door, he is GENTLEMANLY and has great EYELASHES. The camera becomes strangely attracted to him. 

        TOM

Woah, what's her problem? I bought 

one of those frozen macaronis, can 

someone preheat the oven?!

        VINCENT
(to Lance)
You two are a match made in heaven.

        TOM

Oh nice wisecrack Vincent. I see 

you're still sporting a ponytail, 

that's cool.

        LANCE
Look, just keep talkin' to her,
okay? While she's gettin' the
shot, I gotta get a medical book.

        VINCENT
What do you need a medical book
for?

        LANCE
To tell me how to do it. I've
never given an adrenalin shot
before.

        VINCENT
You've had that thing for six years
and you never used it?

        TOM

Yo Vince, maybe if you weren't always 

joy-poppin' with bubble gummers, this 

wouldn't have happened.

        LANCE
I never had to use it. I don't go
joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers,
all of my friends can handle their
highs!

        TOM

Exactly what I said.

        VINCENT
Well then get it.

        LANCE
I am, if you'll let me.

       VINCENT
I'm not fuckin' stoppin' you.

LANCE
Stop talkin' to me, and start
talkin' to her.

TOM

Look, while you guys are bickering, 

I'll talk to her ok?

Tom turns to Mia, she is in pretty rough shape. He begins to speak gently.

TOM

Hey darlin', not feelin' so hot are 

we? Have you guys tried like giving 

her some water yet? Cammomile?

WE FOLLOW Lance as he runs out of the living room into a...

29. SPARE ROOM 29.
with a bunch of junk in it. He frantically starts scanning
the junk for the book he's looking for, repeating the words,
"Come on," endlessly.

From OFF SCREEN we hear:

VINCENT (OS)
Hurry up man! We're losin' her!

LANCE
(calling back)
I'm looking as fast as I can!

Tom enters the room. Lance continues his frenzied search.

TOM

Hey look, Lancelot, I came by cause 

I felt real shitty about earlier, I 

didn't mean you weren't a good singer 

ever, I just was trying to watch a TV

 show. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled.

WE HEAR Jody in the living room now as she talks to Vincent.

JODY (OS)
What's he lookin' for?

VINCENT (OS)
I dunno, some medical book.

Jody calls to Lance.

JODY (OS)
What are you lookin' for?

LANCE
My black medical book!

TOM

Snoopy much? Anyway, listen, I think 

you're a pretty good singer, and if 

you wanna continue down that path 

I'll support you. Just not during 

Friends right?!

Tom gives Lance a few playful punches. 

As he continues searching, flipping and knocking over shit, Jody appears in the doorway.

JODY
What are you looking for?

TOM

Kinda in the middle of something here 

Jode. You already asked that twice anyway. 

LANCE

My black fuckin' medical book.

It's like a text book they give to
nurses.

JODY
I never saw a medical book.

TOM

Yeah, obviously Jody, most of us don't 

just see medical books around.

LANCE
Trust me, I have one.

JODY
Well if it's that important, why
didn't you keep it with the shot?

Lance spins toward her.

LANCE
I don't know! Stop bothering me!

JODY
While you're lookin' for it, that
girl's gonna die on our carpet.
You're never gonna find it in all
this shit. For six months now,
I've been telling you to clean this
room --

TOM

Jody, I know you're upset, because I

returned Turner and Hooch before you

could watch it, but I wish you wouldn't

take it out on Lance.

VINCENT (OS)
-- get your ass in here, fuck the
book!

Lance angrily knocks over a pile of shit and leaves the SHOT heading for the living room. Tom begins to stack the pile of shit back up.

TOM

You should watch it sometime though,

it's really good.

30. LIVING ROOM 30.
Vincent is bent over Mia, talking softly to her, when Lance reenters the room.

VINCENT
Quit fuckin' around man and give
her the shot!

Lance bends down by the black case brought in by Jody. He opens it and begins preparing the needle for injection. Tom reenters the room.

TOM

So look, I bought this macaroni, you 

know, sorta like a peace offering.

LANCE
While I'm doing this, take her
shirt off and find her heart.

Vince rips her blouse open.

Jody stumbles back in the room, hanging back from the action.

TOM

It's got four kinds of cheese, and 

I don't even mind making it but I 

can never figure out your oven and...

VINCENT
Does it have to be exact?

LANCE
Yeah, it has to be exact! I'm
giving her an injection in the
heart, so I gotta exactly hit her
in the heart.

TOM

That sounds like a song, eh Lance? I 

gotta exactly hit her in the heart 

by Sir Lancelot the man! 

VINCENT
Well, I don't know exactly where
her heart is, I think it's here.

Vince points to Mia's right breast. Lance glances over and nods.

LANCE
That's it.

TOM

Yeah, that's it.

As Lance readies the injection, Vincent looks up at Jody.

TOM

Don't look at her like that man.

VINCENT
I need a big fat magic marker, got
one?

JODY
What?

VINCENT
I need a big fat magic marker, any
felt pen'll do, but a magic marker
would be great.

JODY
Hold on.

Jody runs to the desk, opens the top drawer and, in her enthusiasm, she pulls the drawer out of the desk, the contents of which (bills, papers, pens) spill to the floor.

The injection is ready. Lance hands Vincent the needle.

LANCE
It's ready, I'll tell you what to
do.

VINCENT
You're gonna give her the shot.

LANCE
No, you're gonna give her the shot.

TOM

I'll do it.

VINCENT
I've never done this before.

LANCE
I've never done this before either,
and I ain't starting now. You
brought 'er here, that means you
give her the shot. The day I bring
an O.D.ing bitch to your place,
then I gotta give her the shot.

TOM

Jeez, I said I'd do it. Fine whatever.

Jody hurriedly joins them in the huddle, a big fat red magic marker in her hand.

JODY
Got it.

Vincent grabs the magic marker out of Jody's hand and makes a big red dot in Mia's body where her heart is.

VINCENT
Okay, what do I do?

LANCE
Well, you're giving her an
injection of adrenalin straight to
her heart. But she's got a breast
plate in front of her heart, so you
gotta pierce through that. So what
you gotta do is bring the needle
down in a stabbing motion.

Lance demonstrates a stabbing motion, which looks like "The Shape" killing its victims in "HALLOWEEN."

TOM

Hey Lance you looked kind of 

like "the shape" killing it's 

victims in Halloween.

VINCENT
I gotta stab her?

TOM

Yeah, stab her. What's the big 

deal?

LANCE
If you want the needle to pierce
through to her heart, you gotta
stab her hard. Then once you do,
push down on the plunger.

VINCENT
What happens after that?

LANCE
I'm curious about that myself.

VINCENT
This ain't a fuckin' joke man!

LANCE
She's supposed to come out of it
like --
(snaps his fingers)
-- that.

Vincent lifts the needle up above his head in a stabbing motion. He looks down on Mia.

Mia is fading fast. Soon nothing will help her.

Vincent's eyes narrow, ready to do this.

TOM

Shouldn't be a problem.

VINCENT
Count to three.

Lance, on his knees right beside Vincent, does not know what to expect.

LANCE
One...

RED DOT on Mia's body.

Needle raised ready to strike.

LANCE (OS)
...two...

Jody's face is alive with anticipation. Tom's face is bored, he fixes his hair in the mirror.

NEEDLE in the air, poised like a rattler ready to strike.

LANCE (OS)
...three!

The needle leaves frame, THRUSTING down hard.

Vincent brings the needle down hard, STABBING Mia in the chest.

Mia's head is JOLTED from the impact.

The syringe plunger is pushed down, PUMPING the adrenalin out through the needle.

Mia's eyes POP WIDE OPEN and she lets out a HELLISH cry of the banshee. She BOLTS UP in a sitting position, needle stuck in her chest -- SCREAMING.

Vincent, Lance and Jody, who were in sitting positions in front of Mia, JUMP BACK, scared to death.

Mia's scream runs out. She slowly starts taking breaths of air.

TOM

Uhh, ever heard of neighbours?

The other three, now scooted halfway across the room, shaken to their bones, look to see if she's alright.

LANCE
If you're okay, say something.

Mia, still breathing, not looking up at them, says in a relatively normal voice.

MIA
Something.

Tom laughs.

TOM

I love that. That's like when someone's 

pouring me a drink and they say, say 

when, so I say the actual word "when" 

instead of like now or that's enough.

Vincent and Lance collapse on their backs, exhausted and shaking from how close to death Mia came.

JODY
Anybody want a beer?

TOM

Yeah, that'd be cool.

A Melange of Sorts

Hello friends. This has been my longest hiatus on the blog thus far. I had a bout of insomnia and general apathy. Along the way i tried to write a number of pieces but finished none successfully. These were the subjects:

Letters, and writing them 

An Interview with Jason Statham

Some mean spirited jokes about Seth Rogen

Casper the Friendly Ghost

Trees as celebrities and vice versa

A review of the film Twilight without having seen it.

Today's youth

In my never say die spirit, I've decided to combine them all. This one is dedicated to my mainest daimie Slim Twig, who is held up in a beige room somewhere in New Brunswick.

Dear Casper the Friendly Ghost,

   I'm writing to you in the midst of a fit of boredom, as I am in the middle of being interviewed by action film star and British man, Jason Statham of Guy Ritchie fame. Allow me to apologize if parts of the interview subconciously seep into this correspondence. 

   I'm afraid I'm writing to you with a heavy heart, having to be the bearer of bad news. Unfortunately, though you are friendly, you still are very scary. While most people, if generally pleasant, are not met with fear, I'm afraid you have been dealt a bad hand; you're a ghost...

...Jason Statham: Oi, Tom, allo allo.

Tom Henry: Hi Jason, it's great to see you, as always.

JS: We've been friends for a long time.

TH: Yes. I'm a great fan of your post-Guy Ritchie work. You've matured vastly.

JS: Fanks mate. Last time I saw you, you were in London and we co-hosted a guacamole party.

TH: You and I were on a team together, and I believe we came in second because the other team used real garlic.

JS: Fuckin' 'ell, you're right. I quite like garlic powder though.

TH: GP.

JS : Wuh?

TH: Garlic Powder...

   Sorry Casper, I drifted off there. Celebrities are so boring to be interviewed by. Statham's a good man though, built like a tree. Speaking of trees and celebrities, if trees were celebrities, paper would be perverse. If celebrities were trees, trees would walk around with an unfounded sense of self satisfaction. Nature photographers would start driving into them. I don't mean to stray, I just have celebrity/tree role reversal on the mind; I'm planning a remake of Freaky Friday, with a tree in the place of Lindsay Lohan and a real celebrity in the place of Jamie Lee Curtis. 

   Moving on, let's get straight to the point. Among other things, I'm somewhat of an expert at the art of image consultation. Here's a few "brainstorms" (industry term).

1. Start a ghost-seeing business - People like scary, they just don't like to be startled, just ask Seth Rogen's mirror. The current popularity of scary is highlighted in this hit movie review I wrote of the full blown pop culture phenomenon, Twilight:

Twilight is a film about teenager/vampires who fall in love, presumably. The mainest actor is an Englishman, but not in the film. He has good hair and likes to climb trees. He runs at least once in this picture. His cheekbones are well defined, but be warned, actors in major motion pictures are usually wearing makeup. 

... Jason Statham: You mentioned Guy Ritchie earlier, have you met him? 

Tom Henry: Him and Madonna actually asked me to be godfather of their child, but then decided against my spiritual guidance. 

JS: What happened? 

TH: Well, I believe in an eighth chakra, I don't think they were ready for that. 

JS: Did you resent that? 

TH: Not at all, they ended up making me godfather of their film, Swept Away. 

JS: That film had a rough go, didn't it? 

TH: Underrated in a lot of ways, I think.

JS: Me too, I love Guy, he's my rock. 

TH: Me too...

Casp, sorry, I'm back. 

2. Be less friendly - They say girls like jerks, just ask Seth Rogen (I heard he's a really nice guy)

I heard they're making a sort of encouragement club for people with little talent but unusually lofty aspirations. It's called Seth Rogen films. Frat and twelve year old boys welcome (I told you they were mean spirited). Sorry Casper, that had little relevance in this letter, it almost seems as though I'm not taking your problem seriously, please disregard this inperturbability.

Jason Statham: I punched a paparazzi man once, you ever done that?

Tom Henry: I don't believe in violence to humans. 

JS: Very wise, man.

TH: When a human angers me, I punch my goldfish when I get home, they have very short memory. 

JS: Is it hard to punch in the water? 

TH: I'm very strong, so...

JS: We've worked out together, you're my favourite work out mate. 

TH: Thanks, you're in my top twelve. 

JS: I'd be honoured with even spot seven or eight.

TH: I probably would have said top ten, if you weren't spot eleven or twelve...

...Friendly ghost, one last tip. 

3. Get a tan - Just kidding. I imagine quantum physics causes the sun to go right through your entity. Another bad break. 

I wish you all the best and hope you decide to contact me, if you are for whatever reason, not able to enter this realm of existence, I will get in touch with you after the next Harry Potter movie teaches me how, I'm assuming. 

Yours inevitably, 

Tom Henry

p.s. The youth of today love Britney Spears Toxic and aren't afraid to admit it.

The Dinner Party

This is a short story I wrote entitled The Dinner Party. It's told from the P.O.V. of a girl in her early twenties trying to find her way in the world. It has won several major contests and is being published in my book of short stories; 'Short Films I Almost Made But Couldn't Convey What The Characters Were Thinking In Their Head'. 

"Hi, is that Ellen?"
"Yeah, hello?"
"Hey Ellen, it's Casey, listen me and my roomates are having a dinner party tonight."
"Oh I will be there, I love that kind of thing, like no t.v. or anything."
"Yeah totally, so bring like some wine if you want, and... yeah."
"I have a few organic beers left from New Years."
"Great, cool."

   We sat around the table that night. Casey had made a really nice Mexican dish, she had just got back from a life-changing three weeks in Venezuela. "It's this dance they do." We all laughed; it was funny to see her move that way, but also so beautiful. Mazie had just returned from India, and the two shared a lot of the same experiences. They both fell in love with the people. Mazie told us lots of nice stories about the smiles on the children's faces. It wasn't an easy trip, but that's what made it so rewarding. Nick was joking around a lot - as usual. Last time I saw him was halloween, he had curled his moustache and kept coming up to us and saying the most random things. I don't know why it was so funny, but it was. 

   We all sat there and we laughed and talked, and for a minute we could all forget. Marq remarked that we all looked so happy, I piped in that it must have been because of the banana bread. I was kind of kidding, but it was really good, and I wanted Kris to know that I really enjoyed it. He had used apricot and water in place of the eggs. Not even because he was a vegan, he said, but because his canvas bag was full of groceries and he couldn't fit the eggs, and he sure wasn't gonna use plastic. Those were his words, it was really cool to be around people who were really thinking for a change.
We were all feeling pretty loose from the red wine and we decided to turn this dinner party into a dance party. Charlie was an official vinyl nut and we listened to some really great old tunes, like real Bob Dylan sounding stuff. Marcy and Tim were doing some of the swing dances they had learnt (they took lessons on a whim), and Casey showed us some more of her great new South American dance. Nick was doing this like Nineteen-nineties rap dance, it was really funny but actually also really good. I was just trying to not make a fool out of myself; earlier I had admitted that my shirt was from Club Monaco, and I didn't want to make another mistake. I loved thrift clothes and usually got them, I don't know what I was thinking!
Later, I sat outside with Peter as he had a smoke. I could tell Peter had a dark side by his full beard, it's not like he didn't laugh, but he had a lot going on, I think. He looked into the night and said; "You know Ellen, things can get pretty fucked up." He was right, but tonight we could drink and dance and eat and come together - at the dinner party.

-The Dinner Party, by Tom Henry, 2008

Hanks Canvases

Some real writing soon. Thanks for visiting.

I Love This Guy!

Haha! I love this guy! I can't believe he put that toy baby on his shoulder! I wish normal guys like him could be famous stars.

Oh, he is? Oh.

Cleanse my pallet please.



Thank god.

A Look Back at '04

Recently I've been feeling really nostalgic about the year 2004. Being only five back then, I felt it important to look back as a nine year old.

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple, which sounds crazy, but is actually the most reasonable fruit to be named after. I propose the next fruit discovered be named Jessica. I propose the next animal discovered be named Human, just to hedge our bets.

Lord of the Rings wins a record-tying eleven Oscars, proving that movies are better than books.

Lance Armstrong wins an unprecedented sixth Tour De France, then talks about bikes alot, his friends get bored.

In Oslo armed robbers steal Munch's The Scream, sighting shitty movies as their inspiration.

The United Nations release a report blaming Sudan for crimes against humanity in Darfur, which quickly diffuses the situation.

It is announced that the Montreal Expos will relocate to Washington, four French Canadians cry, then continue growing their moustaches.

Brazil successfully launches it's first rocket into space, which is good?

North Korea bans cell phones, giving it the lowest deuche bag ratio in the world, but resulting in many failed brunch.

The Confusing Beach Towel

A picture I made (drew)



*For pricing inquiries think of the highest number in your head.

Music

Greg Howe once stated, "If musicians are athletes, the session cats are the Olympic hopefuls." -Greg Howe

"Mention the name Greg Howe to an aficionado of contemporary electric guitar music and aural visions of smooth legato runs, wah-laden solos and funky, syncopated rhythms will run through his or her head." -Modern Guitars Magazine

"If musicians were athletes, they probably wouldn't be very good at sports." -Tom Henry

"They should have realized they weren't athletes when they were getting their asses kicked by athletes." -Tom Henry

"Listen musicians, if you want to stay home and put on your Ella Fitzgerald record, and scour your fret board for the sweetest sounding riffs, that's your own business, but stay out of my local ice rink/badminton court." -Tom Henry

Q: What's your issue with the nation's musicians?

A: Don't you get it?! they want all our fastest women and smoothest times. I just couldn't stand by any longer, call me a patriot.

Q: Have you ever took part in music?

A: Up live, or on my stereo?

Q: Either.

A: Of course not, I don't even own a stereo.

Q: And not up live?

A: Did you go to school for this? I'm finding you amateurish.

Q: I just wanted you to clarify.

A: Next question please.

Q: Do you have any message for Greg Howe?

A: Hey Howe, can it. You don't know what you're talking about.

Q: Anything else?

A: Yeah, next time you want a crescendo, I'll give you a lesson on relative loudness, using my index and middle fingers and your eyeballs.

-Tom Henry as interviewed by Modern Guitars Magazine, 2008.



Greg Howe


Tom Henry


-Photos by Greg Howe and Tom Henry's moms, respectively.

A Few Quick Letters

Dear artistc types,

Hair cuts are supposed to make you look less dumb, not more dumb.

Dear firefighters,

Your apparent lack of common sense is a gift to us all. 

Dear actors, 

The world needs you, keep up the good work.

Dear poets, 

You're not as cute as you think.

Dear god, 

If you're so good, how come no one wants to meet you? Everyone wants to meet George Clooney.

Dear George Clooney, 

Can I meet you?

Dear self,

You're so clever, I look forward to getting to know you better.

Dear fruit,

You obviously don't care about survival very much. Some kids don't like you, was that your plan?

Dear internet,

Everyone bad mouths you, but then uses you anyway. You're the annoying rich kid of planet earth.

Dear bones,

You really know how to get under my skin.

Dear jocks,

It's not that you're assholes, it's just that you're fuck heads.

Dear space aliens, 

What kind of good meat do you have? We're all a little tired of chicken. Also, what kind of vegan carrot cake replacements do you have? Our's all taste like shit. "Can you believe the icing's made of tofu?" Yes.

Dear death, 

Why so final? Loosen up a little, take 'er easy.

Dear America, 

Electing Barack Obama will only make up for Richard Gere.

Yours truly, 

Tom Henry

Hanks' & Fruit Juice

   Tom Hanks, America's favourite son, has been drinking plenty of fruit juice as he stays in the race for the White House. His actions are an immediate reaction to a new German study examining the complex relationship between fruit and man. When he heard of the study Hanks acted fast, hiring celebrity chef Bobby Flay as his personal juice coach. His biggest challenge, Flay admits has been getting him off his morning orange juice. Hanks admits to his love of the sweet Florida treat; "You can move me to a pear or guava for lunch, but I won't start the day without a tall g. of o.j."
   Once known for his blistering good looks Hanks admits he's shifted focuses; "I'd like to live forever, and if there's anything to Dr. Kleinhen's work on the taste paradox, I'd like to be in on the ground floor." Hanks admits to an alterior motive; "I'd really like my son, Colin Hanks to be as seasoned an actor as I, before I share a film screen with him, that could take a while." Hanks goes on; "Colin doesn't like fruit juice so I've been spraying it around his mouth with a super soaker, he knows I'm his dad, and if I could give him all the talent in the world, I would."
   Colin admits his father is a tough critic; "When my dad, Tom Hanks, started on to this fruit juice thing, I knew there probably was something to it, he's an actor like I'm trying to be, and I respect that. I'm just a lot more in to things like soda. I'm a kid, I like soda and potato chips." Hanks (Colin) admits when matriarchal figure and fellow actor Rita Wilson stepped in, he was intrigued. "She had been making smoothies on her new blender, and one day she walked in to the room and said look, what if we threw some fruit juice in with your favourite soda?" Colin admits he wasn't so sure; "I definitely had a good laugh, I said Rita (step-mom), I would never hear the end of it if my friends found fruit juice in my soda!"
   Tom Hanks fought back tears as he weighed in with one final admission; "Colin's a kid and we love him, but I wish he'd take acting a little more seriously. No one knows what awaits us in the great beyond, but will there be acting? This may be your one chance to act son, and I'd like you to put aye and bee together, make sure you spell the words A and B please."


Tom with first love Mimi Rogers


Tom and Colin sport scarves

Hubble Images

-Images taken from the Hubble telescope.

Kelsey Grammer was initially understood as a nova eruption. The reason for the outburst has not been understood yet, but several theories have already been defined, such as an eruption related to stellar death processes and a merger of a binary star or planets. This image is in my list of top ten Hubble images of all time because it is so beautiful. It is simply an awesome picture.

"Kelsey Grammer ditches beard for new Frasier show" -The News

Q: I see you've ditched your beard for your new Frasier spin off.

A: I hadn't really thought of that.

Q: If you transform into a black hole, what will be the physical properties of our death?

A: I'm not quite sure of the specifics, it may very well be painless, I'm not sure if it even will count as death.

Q: Who are you voting for?

A: I wish I could vote for my old bartender on Cheers, Sam Malone, portrayed by Ted Danson.

Watch Frasier Tuesdays.

-TV Guide





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click the money honey

Halifax and John

This is a two part blog.

Part 1: Halifax (A Brief Overview)

Everyone has a beard (even the women).

There's a lot of great dance parties. "It's not a big party, but it's a good party, it's kind of a dance party." -actual quote

There's a lot of dinner parties, though I refuse to call anything a party where dishes need to be done. More like a dinner with more people than usual. (and attempted witty banter)

I saw many people excitedly take pictures next to a giant anchor. Were they normally landlocked and had never seen one, or were they intrigued by the symbolism?

There's a lot of hills. Hills are like large objects, people are never happy when walking up or carrying them. There's no fairness to hills, they're hard to walk up and annoying to walk down. Escalators eliminate the politics of slope.

I saw a woman wearing camoflage pants peeing in a shrub, it was the best use of camouflage pants I ever saw. Once they come up with camouflage smell pants, there'll be no more need for shrubs.

I've met a lot of art students, none of them seem to like art very much. Is art the new math?

I put newly purchased baby powder in my hair in a Starbucks bathroom, intrigued?


Part 2: John (Jonny)

I don't usually tackle American politics, but my friend John McCain has been taking a lot of heat from the liberal media, so I'd just like to clear a few things up. Remember, we're all his friends, he says so.

When John said 'that one' he was referring to Barack Obama's chair, not the man himself. He just can't point his arm that far down, let's not punish him for that. It wasn't racist or disrespectful, he hates chairs, they make him sore.

When John addressed everyone as his fellow prisoners it wasn't a terrifying Orwellesque slip, it was a compliment. John has been venerated for being a prisoner, it's the only compliment he knows. Now you wanna get all over the man's jock for a little bit of flattery? I guess chivalry really is dead. If he ever calls you a crazy old man, you're really in his good books.

Look, I think what I'm really trying to say here is that Barack Obama is a terrorist. Let me tell you a sobering story; I once ate an Obama cupcake and it was delicious, but have you any idea what those kinds of refined sugars might do to me in the long term? Let's get real. Vote McCain.

Today

"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement."
-Charles M. Schultz

The World is large, there are many things happening today, here are a few.


A balding man looks at his receding hairline and that stresses him out, and then it recedes a little more.

An intelligent rock star watches Jeopardy really loud, then whales out answers like; “What is the eukaryotic cell!”

Paul Newman’s wife begins work on a brand of lettuce, so that they can be together forever.

A soccer player plays baseball with his feet, to practice his foot work, and to show off.

A man grows an ironic moustache, then realizes it makes his upper lip look much better, it no longer is ironic.

A pair of friends realize that tic tac toe is a stupid game.

A leaf wonders what it can do with it’s veins, so it injects heroin, then it doesn’t feel so flat.

A boy makes fun of David Blaine, then disappears forever.

A chess master’s wife leaves him for treating her like a pawn. He silently shakes his head, she doesn’t realize that the pawn’s the most important piece.

A tree gets jealous when a hippie hugs a human.

A boy whistles to a bird outside his window, it starts talking gibberish back to him.

A woman moves to a square town and becomes a real estate mogul. She thanks Monopoly for her success.

An ambitious young filmmaker makes a film about a puzzle champion that can’t put his life back together. It’s almost as good as Garden State.

A Guy Named Marlon

This is my first, and probably last, blog by request. A young man, Marlon Arscott, last night sheepishly asked me if I would gain him some exposure by writing a blog about him. My first instinct was to say no, but I just couldn't let the little guy down. His only stipulation was that it not be a negative piece, needless to say, I suffered my first ever bout of writers block. (Ziiiing) Later, I would discuss the environment with two blonde friends.

   Marlon and I both grew up in the mean streets of the Bain Projects. We both still reside there in order to 'keep it real' and to enjoy the gardens. Marlon being a few years older than I, was a member of the notorious 'Bain Boys' (or as I knew them, 'the teenagers') who congregated on the rough and tumble corner of Bain and Logan (East Central) The Bain Boys would smoke, drink, eat chips, you name it.
   Later, the Bain Boys would disband and Marlon would get glasses. One day my sister informed me that she had worked with him (selling diapers, I assume) and he was a cool guy.* I said; "What, that gang banger?" But, apparently, the glasses had changed him, Marlon now enjoyed music, film and had learnt to laugh. Marlon never talks about those dark days anymore, and no one dare ask. He now belongs to Toronto's blooming improv comedy scene, if you see him around, ask him to pretend to be an animal of some sort.

*My sister also thinks Brendan Fraser is cool.


Here are a few other things I know about Marlon:

He likes polka dots.

His favourite movies are Wall-E, and this film that's like City of God, only better.

He's been to Vancouver, Paris and Barcelona.

He has some attractive friends.

He enjoys television, and sometimes sells air conditioners.

I imagine he's ok at dancing.

He doesn't like to smoke cigars, if he's got to kiss girls later.

That's about it, If anyone wants Marlon's phone number, I don't have it, but I could probably get it for you.



Marlon and the ever intimidating Bain Boys, Marlon is the one with someones arm around him.


Marlon (top left) with his improv troupe. So many funny faces at once.

Interview

I recently was interviewed by Annie Liebowitz. Here it is ---


The first time I met Tom Henry, I was at one of Bridget Fonda's famous red rover parties. Tom opted not to play, instead he sat in the corner waxing poetic with the catering, his eyes fiery and nostrils flaring he acted out his fondest memories of an episode of Frasier he had recently caught. Once I had worked up the courage to talk to him, he had left. Fonda (Bridget) would later tell me of her first meeting with Tom Henry. They were introduced by a mutual friend in a park.
Seven years later I approached him about doing a series of interviews, he agreed to one, this is that one.


Annie Liebowitz: I'm a great fan of yours.

Tom Henry: And yours, I am of you. You take beautiful pictures.

AL: What do you think is the difference between what I do and what you do?

TH: Nothing, there's no difference.

AL: Care to elaborate?

TH The words are escaping me right now.

AL: Is that a play on words?

TH: I suppose it's a personification of some sort.

AL: When was your last haircut?

TH: As a visual person, you know the importance of a fresh lid switch. About three or four months ago.

AL: I thought you said it was important?

TH: It's equally important in absence.

AL: You used to garden as a job, what's your favourite gardening tool?

TH: Rake.

AL: Haha!

TH: No Annie, that's not just a joke. Rakes have a beauty to them because they remove the unwanted without too much harming the wanted, and I think that's what I do in a lot of ways.

AL: That's true isn't it?

TH: Yes.

AL: What inspires you?

TH: Inspiration itself is inspiring.

AL: What else?

TH: My kids when they wake up in the morning.

AL: I didn't know you had children.

TH: Well, they're adopted.

AL: So, not really.

TH: Right.

AL: What's the last movie you truly appreciated?

TH: Do you mean film?

AL: Yes.

TH: Have you seen the Cheers film?

AL: No, I've never heard of it.

TH: It's a cult classic

AL: Wh...

TH: At least in my cult, we really enjoy it.

AL: Will you ever consider posing for me?

TH: If you use digital, I won't, also if you use film, I won't.

AL: Is that a no?

TH: Don't try and draw me and call it a photo.

AL: Tom Henry, thanks for your time.

TH: In buddhism, there are no goodbyes, but I'm not buddhist, how 'bout a hug.

(hug)


by Annie Liebowitz 2008

Too Many Ritz

I haven't posted in about a week, CTV is showing Desparate Housewives from the beginning. This is a video of my brother eating soup, it's somewhat grotesque. It's not meant to be in widescreen that was a mistake. I'm putting some writing up probably by tomorrow.

NYC (Excerpt 2)

As many of you know, I live in New York two weeks out of the year (I'm actually just visiting Toronto right now) and I'm really inspired by her (New York). So, last fall I set out to write a truly authentic New York novel, because I don't think anyone has really portrayed what it's really like to be there, and I felt that I needed to share that. It's called 'The Real New York, A Love Letter' and this excerpt is also being published in The New Yorker. Enjoy

Manhattan was a great bustling metropolis, the streets were alive in the lower east side that day. The rats skittered into the sewers which probably led to an L train. The air was thick as it drifted down from the Bowery, where the punks and skids were riding on skateboards. Today I had to take a New York transit authority bus up to Columbus ave. Oh, how I dreaded the upper west side and their pretention. I thought to myself, I'd much rather be in SOHO, buying neat sunglasses and things, but I had to meet Jenny who was working for Donald Trump that summer.
Jenny was a true Brooklynite. I met her thrift shopping on Bedford (which is in Williamsburgh (which is in Brooklyn)) She told me all about how her dad used to take her to a New York Knicks game or for Chinese food, in the Chinatown area. She was one tough babe, she had even been to Harlem to catch some jazz music, and her legs were one tall drink of water. Petey was her brother he was always up for a good game of stickball over in Hell's Kitchen. I was eating a street hot dog...

-The Real New York, A Love Letter by Tom Henry

23

As I prepare to turn twenty-three years of age, I can think of only one man, number 23, Michael Jordan. It seemed only right that I create a mash-up version of our Wikipedia biography to highlight our similarities and achievements. Wikipedia has rejected it, and if you're interested in righting this wrong, I'll be sending out a petition, which also denounces Barack Obama as a legitimate candidate for president.

Michael Jeffrey Jordan (born February 17, 1963) is a retired American professional basketball player and active businessman. Thomas Dean Henry (born September 3, 1985) is a young man and is active in some ways in a relative sort of way. Both men have three first names as many substitute teachers have quipped. Jordan’s biography on the National Basketball Association (NBA) website states, "By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time."[1] Henry, also by acclamation is “mediocre at an above average amount of things.” Jordan was one of the most effectively marketed athletes of his generation, and was instrumental in popularizing the NBA around the world in the 1980s and 1990s. Henry enjoys thinking about the world and is a proud member of his generation. He often has been known to think; “What is this all about?”
After a stand-out career at the University of North Carolina, Jordan joined the NBA's Chicago Bulls in 1984. He quickly emerged as one of the stars of the league, entertaining crowds with his prolific scoring. After having a class chic named after him in grade two, Henry often wore a pair of Chicago Bulls sweat pants and was pretty good at spelling. Jordan’s leaping ability, illustrated by performing slam dunks from the free throw line at Slam Dunk Contests, earned him the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness". By virtue that his name starts with a T, Henry has earned the nicknames “T” and “T-Bone”, he likes to call himself “Big Guy” (endearingly). Jordan also gained a reputation as one of the best defensive players in basketball. In 1991, he won his first NBA championship with the Bulls, and followed that achievement with titles in 1992 and 1993, securing a "three-peat". Henry likes beef patties. Though Jordan abruptly left the NBA at the beginning of the 1993-94 NBA season to pursue a career in baseball, he rejoined the Bulls in 1995 and led them to three additional championships (1996, 1997, and 1998) as well as an NBA-record 72 regular-season wins in the 1995–96 season. Jordan retired for a second time in 1999, but he returned for two more NBA seasons in 2001 as a member of the Washington Wizards. Henry once returned to a high school he had left, but they told him he was in too many different grades at once. They could not accommodate him, he cried on the way home. He’d like to tell ms. Dewich that maybe she ate too many cakes at once.

An Open Letter To Green Plants

Depending on who you are you may have read this on facebook, but I want it up here in the big show. So deal with it!

Dear green plants,


I am writing to propose a partnership of sorts. As you may have realized yourself, green is making big waves in the scene right now and I was hoping I might get a piece of it. For an exchange of your endorsement (like maybe you can tell girls about me), I am willing to make certain concessions:

a. I will no longer partake in the eating of green vegetables, my diet will consist purely of carrotts, eggplants, radish, red, yellow an orange peppers and meat (you don't care about animals do you?). I also will indulge in fruit from time to time, when my mom makes me.

b. I will water you, when I can remember. I will, just for you, replace the Newfoundland screech in my flask with lemon flavoured cod liver oil, this should boost my memory enough for you not to die. Also, I have been getting at least four percent more responsible each year, so please disregard those dead spider plants from a few years back. I promise I'll clean up their remains one of these days.

c. I will try to get my friends to stop smoking so much pot. In exchange perhaps you could tell your coloured friends to produce some really awesome purple chronic. Then they could "toke" on that "s" instead, and call it purple haze and it would make Bugs Bunny cartoons at least four percent better.

d. I will still pick pretty flowers, as they help me befriend poet types; however, I will not pick the stem. I will instead browse through my large collection of taped Art Attack until I learn how to make a stem out of green construction paper and PVA glue, and maybe some loo roll. Hopefully this use of your image will not offend you.

e. For eating trees, all giraffes will be beheaded. A very long guillotine is in production.

Please get back to me as soon as possible as I feel my popularity is wavering each day this union is not realized.


Yours truly,


Tom Henry

An Excerpt

This is an excerpt from my upcoming British psychadelic novel entitled; "Pining In The Sand". It's not being published here, the powers that be thought you wouldn't be able to understand the "Britishisms". If you think it's stupid that's because it is.


-“How ‘bout we boycott boycotts”, said the cleverest boy . “But if we boycott boycotts we can’t boycott boycotts; thus boycotting boycotting boycotts”, said the dumbest boy. The problem lay in what was clearly a very large and ostentatious gap in the two intelligences of the two boys. Then, they both committed suicide, intellectual suicide, and began to float to one place, which at one point was another place, as was the nature of all places. Once there, among the clouds, palm trees and fertile, yet fake growths of things such as grass, they sipped virgin mai tais and regaled one another with most or any thoughts they could remember. They mustered many thoughts, though cloudy, one of which not being the previously remarkable gap in grand intellect, and so bliss was in reach. For once, out of their school uniforms Penny and Bright were just two boys enjoying a cocktail and chatting like English boys should.
“T’was a great number of boys in school last year wasn’t it Penny?”, said Bright. “Well mate, I’ve got to level with you, that’s one thing I certainly can’t remember” “Just as well” said Bright, “Bunch of gits anyway, weren’t they?” “Well, I’m really not sure.” Said Penny. “Just as well, Penny.” And so they sat among the birds and the brush and watched musicals without the sound on, after all they didn’t need it anymore. After a great deal of crackers and the finest graskaas, the boys settled for a nap. Bright lay in the shade of the great palm tree whilst Penny sleep atop the giant plastic leaves. Both were equipped with blankets, yet neither used them as the temperature was as still as Penny whom never moved even one inch while partaking in his regular afternoon naps. At night however, he flailed furiously. Bright knew why this was, but never was willing to say, as was his reputation.


- Pining In The Sand, British Accent Publishing, 2008

Colours & Q-Tips

The contents of this rectangle will move and become a short video I made.

The Story Of My Death

I once went to school with a guy and a girl who called everything brutal. One day they called biology class brutal, and I said to myself; you know what would be brutal for you? Mirror class. Subsequently, I dropped out of high school. 

In high school, I never was popular or unpopular,  I just was quiet. I wish now that everyone could have heard gems like mirror class, I probably would have been voted most best and non-brutal. In grade seven, the girls would vote for the cutest boys in class, then announce their findings when the teacher left the classroom. I finished second and third a couple of times. This has become a recurring theme in my life, as I have chosen to align myself only with people who are better than me in an attempt to steal all their best moves. My plan is to become the Wes Anderson of humans, taking all the best shots from all the best movies to create something that a lot of assholes will try to dress like.  Remember when everyone bought red toques after The Life Aquatic? I was gonna get one, but I couldn't find the right shade of shit head. My ultimate plan will be to befriend Jack Nicholson, so I can still look really cool when my hairline recedes. 

Once I am an eclectic mess of other people's most endearing traits, I will partake in credit card fraud and live in Edinburgh under the alias Powder Williams. I will rise to fame as a dj and  travel Eastern Europe playing electronic remixes of Anne Murray songs. All will come to a halt when I am gunned down in Zagreb for publicly humiliating the Croatian national handball team. Ivano Balic* will condemn the assasination and perform an acapella version of Float On at my funeral, but it will be too late, the children will cry.  

*Ivano Balic is arguably the greatest handball player in the world, hailing from Croatia. 

Source: an encyclopedia which may or my not be Wikipedia.