Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A Melange of Sorts

Hello friends. This has been my longest hiatus on the blog thus far. I had a bout of insomnia and general apathy. Along the way i tried to write a number of pieces but finished none successfully. These were the subjects:

Letters, and writing them 
An Interview with Jason Statham
Some mean spirited jokes about Seth Rogen
Casper the Friendly Ghost
Trees as celebrities and vice versa
A review of the film Twilight without having seen it.
Today's youth

In my never say die spirit, I've decided to combine them all. This one is dedicated to my mainest daimie Slim Twig, who is held up in a beige room somewhere in New Brunswick.

Dear Casper the Friendly Ghost,

   I'm writing to you in the midst of a fit of boredom, as I am in the middle of being interviewed by action film star and British man, Jason Statham of Guy Ritchie fame. Allow me to apologize if parts of the interview subconciously seep into this correspondence. 
   I'm afraid I'm writing to you with a heavy heart, having to be the bearer of bad news. Unfortunately, though you are friendly, you still are very scary. While most people, if generally pleasant, are not met with fear, I'm afraid you have been dealt a bad hand; you're a ghost...

...Jason Statham: Oi, Tom, allo allo.

Tom Henry: Hi Jason, it's great to see you, as always.

JS: We've been friends for a long time.

TH: Yes. I'm a great fan of your post-Guy Ritchie work. You've matured vastly.

JS: Fanks mate. Last time I saw you, you were in London and we co-hosted a guacamole party.

TH: You and I were on a team together, and I believe we came in second because the other team used real garlic.

JS: Fuckin' 'ell, you're right. I quite like garlic powder though.


JS : Wuh?

TH: Garlic Powder...

   Sorry Casper, I drifted off there. Celebrities are so boring to be interviewed by. Statham's a good man though, built like a tree. Speaking of trees and celebrities, if trees were celebrities, paper would be perverse. If celebrities were trees, trees would walk around with an unfounded sense of self satisfaction. Nature photographers would start driving into them. I don't mean to stray, I just have celebrity/tree role reversal on the mind; I'm planning a remake of Freaky Friday, with a tree in the place of Lindsay Lohan and a real celebrity in the place of Jamie Lee Curtis. 
   Moving on, let's get straight to the point. Among other things, I'm somewhat of an expert at the art of image consultation. Here's a few "brainstorms" (industry term).

1. Start a ghost-seeing business - People like scary, they just don't like to be startled, just ask Seth Rogen's mirror. The current popularity of scary is highlighted in this hit movie review I wrote of the full blown pop culture phenomenon, Twilight:

Twilight is a film about teenager/vampires who fall in love, presumably. The mainest actor is an Englishman, but not in the film. He has good hair and likes to climb trees. He runs at least once in this picture. His cheekbones are well defined, but be warned, actors in major motion pictures are usually wearing makeup. 

... Jason Statham: You mentioned Guy Ritchie earlier, have you met him? 

Tom Henry: Him and Madonna actually asked me to be godfather of their child, but then decided against my spiritual guidance. 

JS: What happened? 

TH: Well, I believe in an eighth chakra, I don't think they were ready for that. 

JS: Did you resent that? 

TH: Not at all, they ended up making me godfather of their film, Swept Away. 

JS: That film had a rough go, didn't it? 

TH: Underrated in a lot of ways, I think.

JS: Me too, I love Guy, he's my rock. 

TH: Me too...

Casp, sorry, I'm back. 

2. Be less friendly - They say girls like jerks, just ask Seth Rogen (I heard he's a really nice guy)
I heard they're making a sort of encouragement club for people with little talent but unusually lofty aspirations. It's called Seth Rogen films. Frat and twelve year old boys welcome (I told you they were mean spirited). Sorry Casper, that had little relevance in this letter, it almost seems as though I'm not taking your problem seriously, please disregard this inperturbability.

Jason Statham: I punched a paparazzi man once, you ever done that?

Tom Henry: I don't believe in violence to humans. 

JS: Very wise, man.

TH: When a human angers me, I punch my goldfish when I get home, they have very short memory. 

JS: Is it hard to punch in the water? 

TH: I'm very strong, so...

JS: We've worked out together, you're my favourite work out mate. 

TH: Thanks, you're in my top twelve. 

JS: I'd be honoured with even spot seven or eight.

TH: I probably would have said top ten, if you weren't spot eleven or twelve...

...Friendly ghost, one last tip. 

3. Get a tan - Just kidding. I imagine quantum physics causes the sun to go right through your entity. Another bad break. 

I wish you all the best and hope you decide to contact me, if you are for whatever reason, not able to enter this realm of existence, I will get in touch with you after the next Harry Potter movie teaches me how, I'm assuming. 

Yours inevitably, 

Tom Henry

p.s. The youth of today love Britney Spears Toxic and aren't afraid to admit it.


Jennifer said...

lots to love in this one Tom are an attention deficit disorder wonderkidwriter .For my part I read it while listening to songs by The Rebel that yr man Slim gave me...thinking jeeezus this one was worth the wait!

twiggy said...

so honored my dearest friend, that the post that's had me laughing hardest was dedicated in my name.

you are a true talent...

and my favourite literate-comedy blog writer of all time.

Emily said...

this made me laugh so very much that im afraid we are going to have to be married by mid afternoon tomorrow.

Vargas said...

A veritable cornucopia of bon mots, a chocolate box full of bon bons and a limo full of Bon Jovi (and other self satisfied celebs). Add Seth Rogan to the bonfire. Bon Nuit!

Love the tree/celebrity switch up, love the whole switch up of the entire switched up melange. And, please, more reviews of movies you haven't seen!

Bon Chance, Tom Henry! (And break a leg to the man in the beige room.)

Vargas said...

Vargas apologizes for the bad French. Bonne Nuit et Bonne Chance!

Jennifer said...

Tom Rapunzelle Henry you must know how good this one is, brilliant really. You are taking pop culture straw and spinning some pretty dazzling gold.

Sugarduk said...

all of the above (except the part about getting married)

and you get the best damn commentary too, not just because they are rave reviews but because they are well written rave reviews...matching your own level of writing excellence.

"You are taking pop culture straw and spinning some pretty dazzling gold"

That goes on the book jacket!

Anonymous said...