Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Syllogisms

Sleep is the cousin of death.
Being awake is the cousin of life.
Being awake is life.
Life is it's own cousin.

therefore Existence is inbred.



They say geniuses pick green
All Nosepickers pick green

therefore All nosepickers are geniuses.
(Until they pick too far, thus picking red.)



Only way I'm interested in your dream: It's about me.
"You were you but you weren't you.": only sort of about me.
Amount dream must be about me: More than sort of.

therefore I don't care about your dream.



The Japanese are very efficient.
Computers are very efficient.

therefore Yuppies eating computer food, dying. World peace achieved. Feist record sales drop.



Vegetarians love animals so they don't eat them.
Vegetarians love vegetables so they eat them.
Vegetarians are confused about love.

therefore Vegetarians' children live in constant fear.
(Attempt to stay away from lentils.)






Portuguese prime minister Jose Socrates is a mortal man

Thursday, April 2, 2009

F. Scott Fitzgerald

As anyone who reads this blog knows I have something of a penchant for correspondence. Recently, I've been reading the collected letters of F. Scott Fitzgerald.  The letters of this great American master range from heartbreaking realizations to his former love Zelda, to talking shop with Ernest Hemingway. There were a few letters however that I found a little odd. Here they are.



1403 North Laurel Avenue
Hollywood, California
August 24, 1940

Dear Candy Store,
How many times must I tell you to leave out the yellow jube jubes from the jube jube bin? Have you any idea who I am? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald



1307 Park Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
May 11, 1935

Dear Friend
Have I made a terrible mistake by going by F.? It's just struck me that it's not so much a name but a letter. Whilst travelling easterly by air, I was going through the alphabet and realized that most men have chosen as many as six or seven of these letters arranged in different interesting ways. 

F? Scott Fitzgerald



14 Rue de Tilsett
Paris, France
August 13, 1925

Dear Reviewer, 
In your review of my book, you quipped that The Great Gatsby, should merely have been called The Good Gatsby. I am writing to inform you that I have changed the title of the book to The Much Greater and Better than you, the reviewer to whom I'm writing this letter, Gatsby. Be warned I am not bluffing. My appetite for revenge burns deep within me (copyright).

F. Scott Fitzgerald



5521 Amestoy Avenue
Encino, California
April 11, 1940

Dear Editor, 
I feel not like writing anymore. Do you think anyone would mind terribly if we adapted the Archie comics in to a novel?  Do you reckon this Jughead fellow could pass as a Yale man? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald



The Garden of Allah Hotel
Hollywood, California
February 22, 1938

Dear future president Harry S. Truman, 
Good sir, I have great respect for your name, but might you consider changing it slightly to S. Harry Truman? This I believe will be much more becoming; however, you must always be sure to utilize the period after the S or else I'm afraid your name may resemble that of a ladies, a price this country can ill afford.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Creep Crepe




Writing up on Thursday. Thanks for Coming  

-TH


Monday, March 16, 2009

A Few Quick Letters 2


Dear athletes, 
Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.

Dear toilet paper,
Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.

Dear mothers,
There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think. 

Dear mother,
Please disregard the above statement.

Dear philosophers,
What's the point? (Don't answer that)

Dear bookmarks,
You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.

Dear Kevin Spacey, 
Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.

Dear walk-in closet,
I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor. 

Dear eyes, 
If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?

Dear glass doors, 
There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.

Dear murderers, 
Things I like about you: 
You haven't murdered me yet.

Dear Daniel Day Lewis,
Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.

Dear dog, 
Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.
p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.

Dear own medicine, 
Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Very Short Plays

THE OFFICE PARTY
act 1. scene 1.

EMPLOYEE 1: 
Hey, during this tough economy, it was a great idea to hire this cheap Jack Nicholson impersonator as entertainment.

EMPLOYEE 2:
Thanks, yeah, Christian Slater is doing a great job.



THE MAN WHO ALWAYS GETS ONE LETTER WRONG THUS HIS LIFE RESEMBLES A REALLY BAD COMIC STRIP
act 1. scene 1.

MAN: 
Here's that pigeon wearing lingerie you ordered. 

OTHER MAN:
I said exotic bird!



TWO OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE GREET EACH OTHER
act 1. scene 1.

PERSON 1:
I miss your face!

PERSON 2: 
Where have you been my whole life?!



MIKE TYSON: POST IMPRESSIONIST
act 1. scene 1.

MIKE TYSON:
Here I lie, with all this artistic talent, a tortured artist. I shouldn't have eaten Van Gogh's ear.



FRIEND WHO IS ANNOYING AFTER MIDNIGHT
act 1. scene 1.

BEN:
Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow.

RICH:
Well, technically I'll see you today.



THE TABLE  &  THE COASTER
act 1. scene 1.

TABLE:
My sole purpose is to put things on. Everytime you impose yourself between me and a glass you tell me I can't do my job! (pause) The scars of condensation would be far less painful than what you're putting me through.



THE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ACTING
act 1. scene 1.

DAISY:
Do you remember daddy's wheat fields back in Nebraska? Remember how they smell on a humid August night? 

GREG:
Hang on, I'm trying to, using the technique of sense memory. Is it time for my soliloquy?



VERY FAT CANNIBAL
act.1 scene 1.

JON:
Hey, I ate that book club sandwich you told me about.

ROOMATE:
That was my book club!

Friday, February 6, 2009

A Very Special Interview

I recently was interviewed by the ghost of Heath Ledger. Here it is.


Tom Henry and I met on a Tuesday afternoon at his recording studio in Culver City, Los Angeles. He didn't want me at his house as I would scare his cats. He's been working for the past six weeks on a series of audio books for people with speech impediments. "I'm not a speech therapist, but I figured they could listen to me talk and then try to talk like me." explains Tom. 
It's this kind of straightforward thinking that's put the man in the place that he is. I hadn't had any real desire to return to the physical realm until I observed him elegantly waving a conductor's wand to control the pitch of his own voice as he spoke defined S sounds. Saviour of those with lisp, and many without, and a damn good reason for me to return for twenty minutes. 


Heath Ledger: Hey mate.

Tom Henry: Hey man, we miss you down here.

HL: I miss you too.

TH: I saw a beautiful tribute to your life the other day, had like clips from all your films in slow motion. 

HL: Have you seen any of my films?

TH: Yeah, I saw Moulin Rouge.

HL: I wasn't in that.

TH: Bewitched?

HL: No mate.

TH: You were married to Tom Cruise right?

HL: No mate, that's Nicole Kidman.

TH: Oh, sorry.

HL: I was in Brokeback Mountain.

TH: I thought that was Nicole Kidman, about a straight cowboy/cowgirl couple

HL: No mate. I got into a bit of drug trouble, have you ever? 

TH: I grew tired of people telling me blood was blue inside of you, so I inject red dye a few times a day.

HL: Not really a drug is it?

TH: Well, the peace of mind has a definite calming affect.

HL: Does it work?

TH: There's no way to tell. I imagine it's actually a shade of purple now, but when I bleed it's extra red. They want to start using my blood in candy canes in place of spider blood. 

HL: I didn't know they use spider blood. 

TH: That's what a vegan told me once. Maybe she just couldn't think of a better way to say no to a candy cane. 

HL: I need to ask you something, will you accept my Oscar for me? 

TH: I'm sorry, I have plans. 

HL: What are you doing? 

TH: I take yoga to meet women. 

HL: I see. 

TH: Not in a romantic way, I just like to know people who breathe very well, they just happen to be mostly women. It looks like you're a shoe-in for the award though.

HL: Good, I hate to lose. 

TH: Me too, there is one game that's really good to lose though.

HL: What is it? 

TH: Musical electric chairs. 

HL: Mate, that's true. Do you think about mortality much? 

TH: ...What?.. I'm sorry I'm a little out of sorts, today I went to take a sip of what I thought was orange juice and it turned out to be orange strawberry banana juice. 

HL: I understand. 

TH: Not quite sure how you get juice out of a banana.

HL: Do you have any questions for the spirit realm. 

TH: Yeah, ask Einstein if he's so smart why he's still not alive again.

HL: Thanks for your time Tom, do you think I'll see you anytime soon?

TH: The world needs me Heath. 

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Man Who Sold The World



Man: Hey, you wanna buy the world? 

Other man: How much does it cost?

Man: Not very much.

Other man: What's wrong with it?

Man: Nothing, it's fine, I just don't want it anymore. 

Other man: Is there much ugliness there? 

Man: No, not really. Sometimes people  spit out their gum and other people step in it. That's about it.

Other man: Any wars? 

Man: Not that I know of. Every now and then people argue about, you know, the normal stuff... like people chewing gum too loudly, that kind of thing.

Other man: So, no famine, misery, death?

Man: Look, I'm gonna level with you, we have a major gum problem.

Other man: Well that doesn't sound too serious.

Man: So you'll buy it? 

Other man: The world? Yes.

Man: That'll be forty dollars.




Kurt Cobain & David Bowie play Monopoly