An Open Letter To Green Plants

Depending on who you are you may have read this on facebook, but I want it up here in the big show. So deal with it!

Dear green plants,


I am writing to propose a partnership of sorts. As you may have realized yourself, green is making big waves in the scene right now and I was hoping I might get a piece of it. For an exchange of your endorsement (like maybe you can tell girls about me), I am willing to make certain concessions:

a. I will no longer partake in the eating of green vegetables, my diet will consist purely of carrotts, eggplants, radish, red, yellow an orange peppers and meat (you don't care about animals do you?). I also will indulge in fruit from time to time, when my mom makes me.

b. I will water you, when I can remember. I will, just for you, replace the Newfoundland screech in my flask with lemon flavoured cod liver oil, this should boost my memory enough for you not to die. Also, I have been getting at least four percent more responsible each year, so please disregard those dead spider plants from a few years back. I promise I'll clean up their remains one of these days.

c. I will try to get my friends to stop smoking so much pot. In exchange perhaps you could tell your coloured friends to produce some really awesome purple chronic. Then they could "toke" on that "s" instead, and call it purple haze and it would make Bugs Bunny cartoons at least four percent better.

d. I will still pick pretty flowers, as they help me befriend poet types; however, I will not pick the stem. I will instead browse through my large collection of taped Art Attack until I learn how to make a stem out of green construction paper and PVA glue, and maybe some loo roll. Hopefully this use of your image will not offend you.

e. For eating trees, all giraffes will be beheaded. A very long guillotine is in production.

Please get back to me as soon as possible as I feel my popularity is wavering each day this union is not realized.


Yours truly,


Tom Henry