Creep Crepe

Writing up on Thursday. Thanks for Coming  

-TH

A Few Quick Letters 2

Dear athletes, 

Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.

Dear toilet paper,

Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.

Dear mothers,

There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think. 

Dear mother,

Please disregard the above statement.

Dear philosophers,

What's the point? (Don't answer that)

Dear bookmarks,

You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.

Dear Kevin Spacey, 

Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.

Dear walk-in closet,

I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor. 

Dear eyes, 

If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?

Dear glass doors, 

There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.

Dear murderers, 

Things I like about you: 

You haven't murdered me yet.

Dear Daniel Day Lewis,

Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.

Dear dog, 

Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.

p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.

Dear own medicine, 

Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.

Very Short Plays

THE OFFICE PARTY

act 1. scene 1.

EMPLOYEE 1: 

Hey, during this tough economy, it was a great idea to hire this cheap Jack Nicholson impersonator as entertainment.

EMPLOYEE 2:

Thanks, yeah, Christian Slater is doing a great job.

THE MAN WHO ALWAYS GETS ONE LETTER WRONG THUS HIS LIFE RESEMBLES A REALLY BAD COMIC STRIP

act 1. scene 1.

MAN: 

Here's that pigeon wearing lingerie you ordered. 

OTHER MAN:

I said exotic bird!

TWO OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE GREET EACH OTHER

act 1. scene 1.

PERSON 1:

I miss your face!

PERSON 2: 

Where have you been my whole life?!

MIKE TYSON: POST IMPRESSIONIST

act 1. scene 1.

MIKE TYSON:

Here I lie, with all this artistic talent, a tortured artist. I shouldn't have eaten Van Gogh's ear.

FRIEND WHO IS ANNOYING AFTER MIDNIGHT

act 1. scene 1.

BEN:

Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow.

RICH:

Well, technically I'll see you today.

THE TABLE  &  THE COASTER

act 1. scene 1.

TABLE:

My sole purpose is to put things on. Everytime you impose yourself between me and a glass you tell me I can't do my job! (pause) The scars of condensation would be far less painful than what you're putting me through.

THE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ACTING

act 1. scene 1.

DAISY:

Do you remember daddy's wheat fields back in Nebraska? Remember how they smell on a humid August night? 

GREG:

Hang on, I'm trying to, using the technique of sense memory. Is it time for my soliloquy?

VERY FAT CANNIBAL

act.1 scene 1.

JON:

Hey, I ate that book club sandwich you told me about.

ROOMATE:

That was my book club!