Monday, December 29, 2008


Why are you so serious?

2008 was a wild and wooly one. Proud parents all over the globe made '08 the year of the parent and kids proclaimed; we don't want no homework no more. Here's a look at the rest of the year.


Britney Spears Invents Wall-E - It was at her weekly exorcism with Mel Gibson, Britney awoke in a tizzy. She had had one of '08's new phenomenon's; an enviro-nightmare, but this one was different, the robots had fallen in love. Their circuit boards a twitter, the robots would have to find a way to express their fondness through a series of bleeps and other traditional computer sounds, this was to be a love story like no other. Pixar was contacted, the rest is history.

Russel Crowe hits cartoon character - "He was giffin' me off so I snookered him in the crimmit." explained the Australian. Crowe was dismayed though upon news the loveable character was female, "Bloody timbit, I never would've pintered it, had I known 'twas a maimie." 

Rise of the prance party - NYC - Picture a dimly lit club in SOHO, partygoers sweat off the July heat, a frenzy ensues, but there's no dancing. The kids of today are prancing. NY's hottest prance dj, Sleazy Peasant, explains; "The kids want to move but they don't always want to dance. Before you could either not move or dance, or sort of move your arms I guess. Now we prance, we prance to the music." 

"I love that little robot." - Britney


I only watched three films this year (other than Wall-E, which transcends film). They are the best three films.

Iron Man - A movie star played in a superhero film then died of a drug overdose and it wasn't Robert Downey Jr.

Batman - I'm really surprised no one's talking about Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker. when Ledger wins his posthumous Oscar, I propose it be accepted by Jack Nicholson, the real Joker. Here's how his speech would go: "I shaved my goddamn head bald to play a cancer patient and all this dingo riding hop-scotcher had to do was play the same part I played twenty years ago? I'm keeping this. A lot of that hair ain't coming back you know."

Twilight - In a year that was bloated with the overhyping of global warming, full blown pop culture phenomenon Twilight sent an important political message about the dangers of iron deficient teenagers. We need to get moving on this one Mr. Obama.


I kept meaning to watch The Hills, but I really want to read the book first.


Album of The Year - 808's & Heartbreak - I was severely touched by Kanye West's homage to his late  mother. The message is clear you dear sweet man, you're too broken up to make tolerable music anymore. Bless your soul.

Also anything by Vampire Weekend, obviously. 

My personal triumphs and failures

Rocket Science - I thought about becoming an astronaut then quickly decided not to, in hopes of not offending gravity. Gravity is one of the worst enemies to have, gravity and the ghosts of flies.

Beef Patties - The beef patties were being overheated at the corner store this year. 

Music career - With the help of my macbook, I can now record purposely bad but hopefully good music. 

Beef Patty resembling TV's Jay Leno


Greg Kinnear

Thanks a million to everyone who came here in '08. '09's gonna be crazy here on this blog, so stay tuned, and tell your friends (If they're cool).

Yours inevitably, 

Tom (d) Henry

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Is Over, We Can Laugh Again

What did the guy who needed some milk but not a ton but a good amount say to the store clerk? 

Take me to your litre.

- Joke by Zach Braff

Scrubs star and modern day auteur Zach Braff mailed me this joke for Christmas. This is a transcript of my thankyou phonecall. 


Receptionist: Hello, Zach Braff's receptionist speaking.

Tom: Hi, with whom am I speaking?

Receptionist: This is Lynn. 

Tom: Hi Lynn, is Zach in? 

Lynn: He's in rehearsal right now.  

Tom: That can be paused right?

(Zach yells in the background.)

Zach: Hello, Zach Braff here.

Tom: Zach, Tom Henry here.

Zach: Tom. Wow. Hey.

Tom: I'm calling about your joke. What are you rehearsing for?

Zach: I'm starring in the Alanis Morrisette bio-pic. I've been living in a stable for research.

Tom: You directing too? 

Zach: Of course.

Tom: I keep trying to tell people Garden State was a good film, but they won't believe me.

Zach: What can you do? People want to criticize without even watching the movie.

Tom: No, they watched it.


Tom: Listen, the joke, I liked it.

Zach: Yeah?!

Tom: It was clever, I always knew that tall hair set you apart a bit.

Zach: I've actually been tucking it behind my ears lately.

Tom: Text me that look, ok? 

Zach: Ok.

Tom: You sent me the joke for Christmas, and I was wondering if it's a Christmas joke. 

Zach: To me it is, my holidays back home sort of revolve around dairy. 

Tom: Egg nog, fine cheese, pie topping... 

Zach: Yeah, and a lot of just straight milk drinking.
Tom: You grow out of babyhood, and you stop drinking your own species milk and venture in to other species. I'm not jewish but as a right of passage when I turned thirteen, I drank a glass of goat's milk. 

Zach: Did you feel like a man? 

Tom: I felt like a goat. 

Zach: ...

Tom: Do you wanna know what my holidays revolve around? 

Zach: What? 

Tom: I dunno, goddamn friends, family. Not milk. 

Zach: Mm. 

Tom: Clive Owen came over this year, he said it was a laugh. 

Zach: I'm a big fan of his. 

Tom: I think he would've said it was a great laugh, but that's not really a Britishism is it? 

Zach: I'm from New Jersey.

Tom: Anyway, I thank you for the joke, and as a Christmas offering, I'd like to impart to you some wisdom. 

Zach: Great. Lemme get a pen. 

Tom: I once learnt a lesson from trying to eat thirty grapefruits. 

Zach: ...? (signifying an air of curiousity) 

Tom: Grapefruits and grapes aren't interchangeable. 

Zach: Thanks. 

Tom: I could have learnt the same lesson by eating one grape slowly. 

Zach: Hm.

Tom: I'm gonna let you go ZB, will I see you at my annual New Years Eve party on the Mason Dixon line?

Zach: You bet. 

Tom: Great, ciao. 

Phone hangs up with the help of human hand(s).

*For Lulu. I've never had such a good use for a wall, even when it was keeping me safe from the rest of the animals. 

( No more dedications for a while, I promise.)


Also, I snuck my way into this interview with the talented Slim Twig by the talented Ben Dugas. Check it out if you know what's good for ya.  No Ones Laughing But you - Slim Twig

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Pulp Fiction Redux

I was reading my Pulp fiction screenplay (as I do) when I realized that it was missing one thing - me. So I rewrote the entire film with Tom Henry as an intricate character weaving in and out of each storyline . This; however, proved a challenge as out of respect for QT (Quentin Tarantino) I have not touched or added a single line of dialogue or direction for the other characters. I think it turned out great and am keeping my fingers crossed that Quentin will reshoot, despite the evident  bloating of John Travolta. 
If anyone reading, for some reason, doesn't know me and is having trouble picturing this, you can buy me lunch to better understand this scene. If anyone hasn't seen Pulp Fiction, I will give you my copy in exchange for lunch.
So, this is the scene where a troubled Vincent takes an overdosing Mia to drug dealer Lance's house, much to the chagrin of Lance and his quarrelsome life-mate Jody. 

This one's for me mum, the screenwriter, happy birfday.


WE START in Lance's and Jody's bedroom.

Jody, in bed, throws off the covers and stands up. She's wearing a long tee-shirt with a picture of Fred Flintstone on it.

We follow HANDHELD behind her as she opens the door, walking through the hall into the living room.

It's only one-thirty in the goddamn
mornin'! What the fuck's goin' on
out here?

As she walks in the living room, she sees Vincent and Lance standing over Mia, who's lying on the floor in the middle of the room.

From here on in, everything in this scene is frantic, like a
DOCUMENTARY in an emergency ward, with the big difference here being nobody knows what the fuck they're doing.

Who's she?

Lance looks up at Jody.

Get that black box in the bedroom I
have with the adrenalin shot.

What's wrong with her?

She's on us.

Well get her the hell outta here!

(in stereo)
Get the fuckin' shot!

Don't yell at me!

She angrily turns and disappears into the bedroom looking for the shot. Just then Tom Henry walks through the door, he is GENTLEMANLY and has great EYELASHES. The camera becomes strangely attracted to him. 

Woah, what's her problem? I bought 
one of those frozen macaronis, can 
someone preheat the oven?!

(to Lance)
You two are a match made in heaven.

Oh nice wisecrack Vincent. I see 
you're still sporting a ponytail, 
that's cool.

Look, just keep talkin' to her,
okay? While she's gettin' the
shot, I gotta get a medical book.

What do you need a medical book

To tell me how to do it. I've
never given an adrenalin shot

You've had that thing for six years
and you never used it?

Yo Vince, maybe if you weren't always 
joy-poppin' with bubble gummers, this 
wouldn't have happened.

I never had to use it. I don't go
joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers,
all of my friends can handle their

Exactly what I said.

Well then get it.

I am, if you'll let me.

I'm not fuckin' stoppin' you.

Stop talkin' to me, and start
talkin' to her.

Look, while you guys are bickering, 
I'll talk to her ok?

Tom turns to Mia, she is in pretty rough shape. He begins to speak gently.

Hey darlin', not feelin' so hot are 
we? Have you guys tried like giving 
her some water yet? Cammomile?

WE FOLLOW Lance as he runs out of the living room into a...

29. SPARE ROOM 29.
with a bunch of junk in it. He frantically starts scanning
the junk for the book he's looking for, repeating the words,
"Come on," endlessly.

From OFF SCREEN we hear:

Hurry up man! We're losin' her!

(calling back)
I'm looking as fast as I can!

Tom enters the room. Lance continues his frenzied search.

Hey look, Lancelot, I came by cause 
I felt real shitty about earlier, I 
didn't mean you weren't a good singer 
ever, I just was trying to watch a TV
 show. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled.

WE HEAR Jody in the living room now as she talks to Vincent.

What's he lookin' for?

I dunno, some medical book.

Jody calls to Lance.

What are you lookin' for?

My black medical book!

Snoopy much? Anyway, listen, I think 
you're a pretty good singer, and if 
you wanna continue down that path 
I'll support you. Just not during 
Friends right?!

Tom gives Lance a few playful punches. 

As he continues searching, flipping and knocking over shit, Jody appears in the doorway.

What are you looking for?

Kinda in the middle of something here 
Jode. You already asked that twice anyway. 

My black fuckin' medical book.
It's like a text book they give to

I never saw a medical book.

Yeah, obviously Jody, most of us don't 
just see medical books around.

Trust me, I have one.

Well if it's that important, why
didn't you keep it with the shot?

Lance spins toward her.

I don't know! Stop bothering me!

While you're lookin' for it, that
girl's gonna die on our carpet.
You're never gonna find it in all
this shit. For six months now,
I've been telling you to clean this
room --

Jody, I know you're upset, because I
returned Turner and Hooch before you
could watch it, but I wish you wouldn't
take it out on Lance.

-- get your ass in here, fuck the

Lance angrily knocks over a pile of shit and leaves the SHOT heading for the living room. Tom begins to stack the pile of shit back up.

You should watch it sometime though,
it's really good.

Vincent is bent over Mia, talking softly to her, when Lance reenters the room.

Quit fuckin' around man and give
her the shot!

Lance bends down by the black case brought in by Jody. He opens it and begins preparing the needle for injection. Tom reenters the room.

So look, I bought this macaroni, you 
know, sorta like a peace offering.

While I'm doing this, take her
shirt off and find her heart.

Vince rips her blouse open.

Jody stumbles back in the room, hanging back from the action.

It's got four kinds of cheese, and 
I don't even mind making it but I 
can never figure out your oven and...

Does it have to be exact?

Yeah, it has to be exact! I'm
giving her an injection in the
heart, so I gotta exactly hit her
in the heart.

That sounds like a song, eh Lance? I 
gotta exactly hit her in the heart 
by Sir Lancelot the man! 

Well, I don't know exactly where
her heart is, I think it's here.

Vince points to Mia's right breast. Lance glances over and nods.

That's it.

Yeah, that's it.

As Lance readies the injection, Vincent looks up at Jody.

Don't look at her like that man.

I need a big fat magic marker, got


I need a big fat magic marker, any
felt pen'll do, but a magic marker
would be great.

Hold on.

Jody runs to the desk, opens the top drawer and, in her enthusiasm, she pulls the drawer out of the desk, the contents of which (bills, papers, pens) spill to the floor.

The injection is ready. Lance hands Vincent the needle.

It's ready, I'll tell you what to

You're gonna give her the shot.

No, you're gonna give her the shot.

I'll do it.

I've never done this before.

I've never done this before either,
and I ain't starting now. You
brought 'er here, that means you
give her the shot. The day I bring
an bitch to your place,
then I gotta give her the shot.

Jeez, I said I'd do it. Fine whatever.

Jody hurriedly joins them in the huddle, a big fat red magic marker in her hand.

Got it.

Vincent grabs the magic marker out of Jody's hand and makes a big red dot in Mia's body where her heart is.

Okay, what do I do?

Well, you're giving her an
injection of adrenalin straight to
her heart. But she's got a breast
plate in front of her heart, so you
gotta pierce through that. So what
you gotta do is bring the needle
down in a stabbing motion.

Lance demonstrates a stabbing motion, which looks like "The Shape" killing its victims in "HALLOWEEN."

Hey Lance you looked kind of 
like "the shape" killing it's 
victims in Halloween.

I gotta stab her?

Yeah, stab her. What's the big 

If you want the needle to pierce
through to her heart, you gotta
stab her hard. Then once you do,
push down on the plunger.

What happens after that?

I'm curious about that myself.

This ain't a fuckin' joke man!

She's supposed to come out of it
like --
(snaps his fingers)
-- that.

Vincent lifts the needle up above his head in a stabbing motion. He looks down on Mia.

Mia is fading fast. Soon nothing will help her.

Vincent's eyes narrow, ready to do this.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Count to three.

Lance, on his knees right beside Vincent, does not know what to expect.


RED DOT on Mia's body.

Needle raised ready to strike.


Jody's face is alive with anticipation. Tom's face is bored, he fixes his hair in the mirror.

NEEDLE in the air, poised like a rattler ready to strike.


The needle leaves frame, THRUSTING down hard.

Vincent brings the needle down hard, STABBING Mia in the chest.

Mia's head is JOLTED from the impact.

The syringe plunger is pushed down, PUMPING the adrenalin out through the needle.

Mia's eyes POP WIDE OPEN and she lets out a HELLISH cry of the banshee. She BOLTS UP in a sitting position, needle stuck in her chest -- SCREAMING.

Vincent, Lance and Jody, who were in sitting positions in front of Mia, JUMP BACK, scared to death.

Mia's scream runs out. She slowly starts taking breaths of air.

Uhh, ever heard of neighbours?

The other three, now scooted halfway across the room, shaken to their bones, look to see if she's alright.

If you're okay, say something.

Mia, still breathing, not looking up at them, says in a relatively normal voice.


Tom laughs.

I love that. That's like when someone's 
pouring me a drink and they say, say 
when, so I say the actual word "when" 
instead of like now or that's enough.

Vincent and Lance collapse on their backs, exhausted and shaking from how close to death Mia came.

Anybody want a beer?

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A Melange of Sorts

Hello friends. This has been my longest hiatus on the blog thus far. I had a bout of insomnia and general apathy. Along the way i tried to write a number of pieces but finished none successfully. These were the subjects:

Letters, and writing them 
An Interview with Jason Statham
Some mean spirited jokes about Seth Rogen
Casper the Friendly Ghost
Trees as celebrities and vice versa
A review of the film Twilight without having seen it.
Today's youth

In my never say die spirit, I've decided to combine them all. This one is dedicated to my mainest daimie Slim Twig, who is held up in a beige room somewhere in New Brunswick.

Dear Casper the Friendly Ghost,

   I'm writing to you in the midst of a fit of boredom, as I am in the middle of being interviewed by action film star and British man, Jason Statham of Guy Ritchie fame. Allow me to apologize if parts of the interview subconciously seep into this correspondence. 
   I'm afraid I'm writing to you with a heavy heart, having to be the bearer of bad news. Unfortunately, though you are friendly, you still are very scary. While most people, if generally pleasant, are not met with fear, I'm afraid you have been dealt a bad hand; you're a ghost...

...Jason Statham: Oi, Tom, allo allo.

Tom Henry: Hi Jason, it's great to see you, as always.

JS: We've been friends for a long time.

TH: Yes. I'm a great fan of your post-Guy Ritchie work. You've matured vastly.

JS: Fanks mate. Last time I saw you, you were in London and we co-hosted a guacamole party.

TH: You and I were on a team together, and I believe we came in second because the other team used real garlic.

JS: Fuckin' 'ell, you're right. I quite like garlic powder though.


JS : Wuh?

TH: Garlic Powder...

   Sorry Casper, I drifted off there. Celebrities are so boring to be interviewed by. Statham's a good man though, built like a tree. Speaking of trees and celebrities, if trees were celebrities, paper would be perverse. If celebrities were trees, trees would walk around with an unfounded sense of self satisfaction. Nature photographers would start driving into them. I don't mean to stray, I just have celebrity/tree role reversal on the mind; I'm planning a remake of Freaky Friday, with a tree in the place of Lindsay Lohan and a real celebrity in the place of Jamie Lee Curtis. 
   Moving on, let's get straight to the point. Among other things, I'm somewhat of an expert at the art of image consultation. Here's a few "brainstorms" (industry term).

1. Start a ghost-seeing business - People like scary, they just don't like to be startled, just ask Seth Rogen's mirror. The current popularity of scary is highlighted in this hit movie review I wrote of the full blown pop culture phenomenon, Twilight:

Twilight is a film about teenager/vampires who fall in love, presumably. The mainest actor is an Englishman, but not in the film. He has good hair and likes to climb trees. He runs at least once in this picture. His cheekbones are well defined, but be warned, actors in major motion pictures are usually wearing makeup. 

... Jason Statham: You mentioned Guy Ritchie earlier, have you met him? 

Tom Henry: Him and Madonna actually asked me to be godfather of their child, but then decided against my spiritual guidance. 

JS: What happened? 

TH: Well, I believe in an eighth chakra, I don't think they were ready for that. 

JS: Did you resent that? 

TH: Not at all, they ended up making me godfather of their film, Swept Away. 

JS: That film had a rough go, didn't it? 

TH: Underrated in a lot of ways, I think.

JS: Me too, I love Guy, he's my rock. 

TH: Me too...

Casp, sorry, I'm back. 

2. Be less friendly - They say girls like jerks, just ask Seth Rogen (I heard he's a really nice guy)
I heard they're making a sort of encouragement club for people with little talent but unusually lofty aspirations. It's called Seth Rogen films. Frat and twelve year old boys welcome (I told you they were mean spirited). Sorry Casper, that had little relevance in this letter, it almost seems as though I'm not taking your problem seriously, please disregard this inperturbability.

Jason Statham: I punched a paparazzi man once, you ever done that?

Tom Henry: I don't believe in violence to humans. 

JS: Very wise, man.

TH: When a human angers me, I punch my goldfish when I get home, they have very short memory. 

JS: Is it hard to punch in the water? 

TH: I'm very strong, so...

JS: We've worked out together, you're my favourite work out mate. 

TH: Thanks, you're in my top twelve. 

JS: I'd be honoured with even spot seven or eight.

TH: I probably would have said top ten, if you weren't spot eleven or twelve...

...Friendly ghost, one last tip. 

3. Get a tan - Just kidding. I imagine quantum physics causes the sun to go right through your entity. Another bad break. 

I wish you all the best and hope you decide to contact me, if you are for whatever reason, not able to enter this realm of existence, I will get in touch with you after the next Harry Potter movie teaches me how, I'm assuming. 

Yours inevitably, 

Tom Henry

p.s. The youth of today love Britney Spears Toxic and aren't afraid to admit it.