Pitt/Clooney

This past week was the Toronto International Film Festival. As my hometown was abuzz with the bright stars of modern Hollywood, I was shocked to see movie actor, Brad Pitt, coming out of my local internet cafe. It seems that Brad had been using my usual computer station, and like the star he is, had even left me seventeen minutes. It seems he also had forgotten to log out of his gmail. The following is a disturbing reminder that celebrities aren't always the superior beings we all hope for.

Tue, Sep 6, 2011, 10:46 AM

Hey Brad,

George Clooney here. Heard we'd both be in Toronto this weekend. Was wondering if you wanted to meet up and see which one of us is more famous.

I'm thinking we'll go eat dinner on a patio somewhere, and see which of our names gets screamed more.

What do you think pal?

Love,

George

ps. Remember when we were in Oceans 11? That was fun.

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:50 AM

George,

Great to hear from you. I loved your latest movie. To be honest, I'm on a bit of a not caring about fame that much kick these days, so I'm not so sure about the patio idea. What we could do is eat inside the restaurant and see how many people are trying to see us from the outside. We'll have to monitor the direction of their gaze to see who they're more interested in seeing. I do remember Oceans, that party you threw on a boat once was great.

Sincerely,

Brad

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:57 AM

Brad,

There's a fundamental flaw with your plan which is this, some people have problems with their eyes.

I can tell you this because I actually tried this with Jude Law once. He goes. "Look at that woman ogling me out there" And I look and sure enough, she is, and I'm going, this doesn't make any G.D. sense, Jude Law is A list, and I'm A++ list. So I go out and ask her, "Were you just ogling Jude Law?" And she goes, "No, of course I was ogling you, I have a lazy eye."

And to think I actually could have lost that one to effing Jude Law!

I do throw the BEST boat parties.

George

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 7:02 PM

Hey George,

I am so sick of Jude Law trying to be one of us. I understand the eye thing, so how's this? We hire an eye doctor to just do a general assesment of everyone in the crowd's eye health. If someone's eyes are not up to snuff then we get the eye doctor to ask them who they like better, me or you.

I hope we can work this out, it would be great to see you.

Brad.

p.s. What does G.D. mean?

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 9:41 PM

Brad,

If we're gonna spend our money on hiring the eye doctor anyway, why don't we just get him to ask everybody who they're there to see? At the same time he can also do vision assesments, because, not to be harsh, but if you're blind you shouldn't really get a vote anyway, because you don't even know what we look like, and we're not goddamn voice actors.

So, I'll look up a Toronto eye doctor and we'll sort it all out.

G.D. is goddamn, which I guess is actually just one word? But I heard someone say G.D. and I thought it sounded cool. Sorry for the confusion, I wrote it out this time, up there, before I said voice actors.

love,

G.C. (haha!)

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 8:45 AM

George,

You raise an interesting point. What we are all about is not just our voice but also our looks and the way we move around and everything, but also our voices. So, we should also get someone to disqualify deaf people, because they also don't have the whole picture. So, you find an eye doctor and I'm gonna find an ear doctor.

Thu, Sep 8. 11:09 AM

Brad,

I can see what you're doing. You thought I was gonna get an eye doctor who was going to cheat for me, and so you want to find an ear doctor that'll cheat for you. Come on man, you know me better than that, after all the things I've done for you. Remember when I got those two Italian girls to kiss you on each cheek, so you could have that awesome picture taken on my boat?

You obviously don't even need an ear doctor to tell if someone's deaf. You just need someone to say hello to people from behind.

Thu, Sep 8, 12:02 PM

George,

Obviously, there's going to be too much commotion for someone to just be saying hello from behind. You think I didn't think of that? That's why we need an ear doctor. I never suspected you of getting a corrupt eye doctor, but now I'm thinking twice. Honestly, think I might just stay in with my wife that night, maybe you've heard of her, Angelina Jolie. Maybe she could have a fame off with one of your gameshow contestant girlfriends.

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 12:54 PM

Brad,

Ooooh, ouch. Forgot you married the lady from that crap movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. What other crap actor was in that movie? Oh yeah, you. Guess which crap actors aren't invited to my boat anymore? You and Angelina Jolie.

Shut up,

George.

Thu, Sep 8, 2:29 PM

George,

Hmm, okay, get insulted by some doctor from ER today - check. You know what they should have called Up In The Air? Up Is Grey Hair.

When I say up, I mean, up on your head. I thought of that a while ago, and didn't tell you.

Get screwed,

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 3:11 PM

Brad,

Wow, who do you think you're talking to here, Ryan Reynolds? I have already threatened no more boat parties, and I mean it. I only did one insult, and you did three, you need to chill out.

George

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 6:00 PM

George,

Actually you insulted me and my wife, so that's two, except you also insulted our movie, so that's three. Also, it was the movie we fell in love on, so that's an extra dis. That means we're not even yet. So I will say this, the reason Renee Zellwegger squints so much is because she was in a movie with you and you're too ugly to look at without squinting.

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 9:46 PM

Brad,

That's honestly the dumbest dis. Because 1. Renee Zelwegger squinted way before our movie, Leatherheads, and 2. Everyone knows I'm not ugly. That doesn't even offend me, because obviously I'm not ugly.

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 11:47 PM

George,

If she always squinted so much, maybe you should have called your precious little eye doctor.

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 11:42 AM

Okay, that one's actually pretty funny, man.

George Clooney

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 2:20 PM

George,

Thanks. So listen, you get the ear doctor and I'll get the eye doctor, and I'll see you at Sassafraz at eight.

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 3:01 PM

Brad,

Okay. Are you sure I shouldn't pick the eye doctor? Haha. Just kidding. Seeya then.

Interview: Russell Crowe

At some point in every journalist's life, comes the nightmare interview. The following was mine.

******

It was 10:35 a.m. on a shiny Tuesday morning as I got off the plane, destination - the Land Down Under, which is a restaurant in Los Angeles, set trendily beneath a hobo bridge. I was there to meet local bad boy and film actor Russell Crowe. When I arrived at TLDU as it's known by first-letter-loving L.A. types, I spotted the enigmatic Aussie. Known as one of the most prickly celebrity actors of his generation, it was once said that he was as prickly as one of the cacti that I think grow in the place where he's from, Australia. That was said by me, to the guy sitting next to me on the plane, while I was thinking of things to write about this. As he smiled and waved, I knew I was in for what was to be the most difficult interview of my career.

Tom Henry: Hi, Mr. Crowe, I'm Tom Henry.

Russell Crowe: Hi mate. How was your flight?

TH: What flight?

RC: Oh, I'm sorry, did you not take a flight out here?

TH: Oh, the flight here? Yeah, it was okay.

RC: Should we get this thing started?

TH: Okay man, jeez, relax.

RC: Or we could eat first if you like.

TH: No, no. Go ahead, what do you want to talk about?

RC: Do you have questions, or...?

TH: Oh right, forgot who I was dealing with here. Sure... what's your favourite colour?

RC: I'd probably say blue.

TH: Wonderful! That's front page material for sure buddy.

RC: Would green work better?

TH: Can we just move on to the next question, please?

RC: Sure thing.

TH: How would you respond to some of your critics who say, your existence really doesn't matter much?

RC: Which critics said that?

TH: I read it.

RC: In what?

TH: My diary.

RC: Well, I suppose that's fair. I mean, I'm an actor. I try to entertain people, but ultimately, a doctor is a much more important person than I am.

TH: You mean a snail doctor?

RC: What's a snail doctor?

TH: An example of someone much more important than you.

RC: Is it a real thing?

TH: I hope so, someone has to fix that snail guy who delivers letters so slowly.

RC: What?

TH: The snail male.

RC: ...

TH: You make music too, right?

RC: Oh yeah mate, I'd love to talk about that a bit.

TH: How many encores have you not been asked to do?

RC: Hmm, I'm not sure how I would quantify that.

TH: Just take the total amount of shows you've ever played, then subtract zero.

RC: It's great just to get up there and make something with your mates. It's very therapeutic for me.

TH: I've actually heard your music reffered to as therapeutic before.

RC: That's great, if it helps people, that's all I could ever ask for.

TH: Electroshock therapeutic.

RC: Oh.

TH: I rented a few of your movies the other night, in preparation.

RC: Great.

TH: I have my own name for A Beautiful Mind, would you like to hear it?

RC: Sure.

TH: A Beautiful Kind - of DVD player, would be one that wasn't able to play this movie.

RC: I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it.

TH: I also watched Cinderella Man.

RC: I'm proud of that film.

TH: I was kind of tired because I didn't start watching it until about 11:45 pm.

RC: That's a bit late, mate.

TH: I was hoping by midnight, you'd turn into a pumpkin, and I could just enjoy Renee Zellweger and Paul Giamatti.

RC: Well, they're great actors.

TH: Are you upset that The Wrestler took the same basic premise as The Gladiator?

RC: It's just called Gladiator, I don't think those two movies are very similar.

TH: Are you upset that Mickey Rourke is a bit better looking than you?

RC: I don't really think about that kind of thing.

TH: Are you upset that Mickey Rourke is also a bit better looking than an old rotten log?

RC: I dunno mate.

TH: An old rotten log with ants crawling on it?

RC: Have I done something to agitate you?

TH: Why? What are you gonna do, call Wrigley Scott?

RC: Ridley.

TH: Excuse me?

RC: His name is Ridley

TH: You just want to disagree with everything I say. I was warned about you. I don't need this. This interview's over.

RC: I'm sorry it didn't work out mate. Would you like my last shrimp?

TH: Sure, let me go throw it on the barbo.

RC: Did you mean to say barbie?

TH: Yeah, I'm gonna put the shrimp on a doll, like a little shrimp doll belt. You can't treat people like this, man. TTYN.