On Being Cool, Interview: Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood came to see me recently, and conduct(ed?) this interview for some magazine, I guess.

In the midst of shooting my latest movie which is about Matt Damon being a psychic, I was offered a rare opportunity to visit with Tom Henry in his Culver City offices. Of course, I did not pass it up. I told Matt Damon to go learn more about acting like a psychic in order to halt production for the day, then headed over to meet the man.

Clint Eastwood: Mr. Henry, I've been waiting to meet you for some time.

Tom Henry: Thankyou. I've heard of you too. "Go on and make my day, pal." right?

CE: Yeah.

TH: Before you came in, my assistant told me you're a legend.

CE: Well, I don't sit around and tell people what things are on maps all day.

TH: What?

CE: It was a joke.

TH: Oh. How?

CE: I pretended you were referring the other kind of legend, like for a map.

TH: Rand McNally?

CE: What?

TH: Rand Mcnally, legend of maps.

CE: I'd like to talk to you about being cool, something I've been called a lot.

TH: Were you feeling cold, due to your immense age, when someone called you that?

CE: No, but you're a very sharp and funny guy.

TH: Thanks, for you to say that to me, and not for me to pretend that someone is saying it to me, will boost my confidence a lot.

CE: What is being cool?

TH: Some people think that striking a match on their teeth is cool, but to me, it just means you have very rough teeth.

CE: Speaking of matches, are cigarettes cool?

TH: I would feel it irresponsible of me to say that cigarettes are cool, but I will say, to exhale cigarette smoke looks very cool, also cigarette flicks, taking a cigarette out of it's pack, that little tap people do before they open a pack, inhaling cigarette smoke, getting out of one's chair and you know it's because they're going to smoke, the way cigarettes look between two elongated fingers, etc...

CE: Ok.

TH: One more thing, when someone lights two cigarettes in their mouth and then gives one to a woman, also, when men and women smoke together.

CE: Is drinking alcohol cool?

TH: As long as it doesn't make you tell stories about other times you drank alcohol.

CE: Can you be born cool?

TH: I dunno, can you be born with a very original hat on? Probably not.

CE: So are hats a big part of it?

TH: Absolutely, if you can put on a hat that not too many other people are taking advantage of, like a bowler, and then pretend to not be completely self concious about the fact that your whole night revolves around a unique hat choice, you're ahead of the game.

CE: Is it cool to be kind?

TH: I think the unexpected is cool. So if you're famous or rich, be kind. If you're poor and obviously not famous, i.e. Bob Cratchit, try being mean. If you're a jock, try being sensitive, and if you're a poet, try not to drown in self-importance and possibly self-vomit.

CE: Is irony cool?

TH: Tell me if you've ever had someone agree to marry you to be ironic, then ask me if irony is cool.

CE: Does that happen?

TH: Have you ever fallen in love with a Nicholas Cage fan?

CE: No. Is being in a band cool?

TH: If every band had a double-necked guitar player, I'd be able to tell you there's at least one cool guy in every band.

CE: Is being tough cool?

TH: Yes, I think that Ghandi could have remained peaceful, but if he at least went around punching walls he could have done a better job.

CE: What would be a cool way for me to end this interview?

TH: Anything to do with fire, I guess. Do you have a lighter?

CE: No. How about if we hug?

TH: Whatever man.