Pitt/Clooney

This past week was the Toronto International Film Festival. As my hometown was abuzz with the bright stars of modern Hollywood, I was shocked to see movie actor, Brad Pitt, coming out of my local internet cafe. It seems that Brad had been using my usual computer station, and like the star he is, had even left me seventeen minutes. It seems he also had forgotten to log out of his gmail. The following is a disturbing reminder that celebrities aren't always the superior beings we all hope for.

Tue, Sep 6, 2011, 10:46 AM

Hey Brad,

George Clooney here. Heard we'd both be in Toronto this weekend. Was wondering if you wanted to meet up and see which one of us is more famous.

I'm thinking we'll go eat dinner on a patio somewhere, and see which of our names gets screamed more.

What do you think pal?

Love,

George

ps. Remember when we were in Oceans 11? That was fun.

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:50 AM

George,

Great to hear from you. I loved your latest movie. To be honest, I'm on a bit of a not caring about fame that much kick these days, so I'm not so sure about the patio idea. What we could do is eat inside the restaurant and see how many people are trying to see us from the outside. We'll have to monitor the direction of their gaze to see who they're more interested in seeing. I do remember Oceans, that party you threw on a boat once was great.

Sincerely,

Brad

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:57 AM

Brad,

There's a fundamental flaw with your plan which is this, some people have problems with their eyes.

I can tell you this because I actually tried this with Jude Law once. He goes. "Look at that woman ogling me out there" And I look and sure enough, she is, and I'm going, this doesn't make any G.D. sense, Jude Law is A list, and I'm A++ list. So I go out and ask her, "Were you just ogling Jude Law?" And she goes, "No, of course I was ogling you, I have a lazy eye."

And to think I actually could have lost that one to effing Jude Law!

I do throw the BEST boat parties.

George

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 7:02 PM

Hey George,

I am so sick of Jude Law trying to be one of us. I understand the eye thing, so how's this? We hire an eye doctor to just do a general assesment of everyone in the crowd's eye health. If someone's eyes are not up to snuff then we get the eye doctor to ask them who they like better, me or you.

I hope we can work this out, it would be great to see you.

Brad.

p.s. What does G.D. mean?

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 9:41 PM

Brad,

If we're gonna spend our money on hiring the eye doctor anyway, why don't we just get him to ask everybody who they're there to see? At the same time he can also do vision assesments, because, not to be harsh, but if you're blind you shouldn't really get a vote anyway, because you don't even know what we look like, and we're not goddamn voice actors.

So, I'll look up a Toronto eye doctor and we'll sort it all out.

G.D. is goddamn, which I guess is actually just one word? But I heard someone say G.D. and I thought it sounded cool. Sorry for the confusion, I wrote it out this time, up there, before I said voice actors.

love,

G.C. (haha!)

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 8:45 AM

George,

You raise an interesting point. What we are all about is not just our voice but also our looks and the way we move around and everything, but also our voices. So, we should also get someone to disqualify deaf people, because they also don't have the whole picture. So, you find an eye doctor and I'm gonna find an ear doctor.

Thu, Sep 8. 11:09 AM

Brad,

I can see what you're doing. You thought I was gonna get an eye doctor who was going to cheat for me, and so you want to find an ear doctor that'll cheat for you. Come on man, you know me better than that, after all the things I've done for you. Remember when I got those two Italian girls to kiss you on each cheek, so you could have that awesome picture taken on my boat?

You obviously don't even need an ear doctor to tell if someone's deaf. You just need someone to say hello to people from behind.

Thu, Sep 8, 12:02 PM

George,

Obviously, there's going to be too much commotion for someone to just be saying hello from behind. You think I didn't think of that? That's why we need an ear doctor. I never suspected you of getting a corrupt eye doctor, but now I'm thinking twice. Honestly, think I might just stay in with my wife that night, maybe you've heard of her, Angelina Jolie. Maybe she could have a fame off with one of your gameshow contestant girlfriends.

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 12:54 PM

Brad,

Ooooh, ouch. Forgot you married the lady from that crap movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. What other crap actor was in that movie? Oh yeah, you. Guess which crap actors aren't invited to my boat anymore? You and Angelina Jolie.

Shut up,

George.

Thu, Sep 8, 2:29 PM

George,

Hmm, okay, get insulted by some doctor from ER today - check. You know what they should have called Up In The Air? Up Is Grey Hair.

When I say up, I mean, up on your head. I thought of that a while ago, and didn't tell you.

Get screwed,

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 3:11 PM

Brad,

Wow, who do you think you're talking to here, Ryan Reynolds? I have already threatened no more boat parties, and I mean it. I only did one insult, and you did three, you need to chill out.

George

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 6:00 PM

George,

Actually you insulted me and my wife, so that's two, except you also insulted our movie, so that's three. Also, it was the movie we fell in love on, so that's an extra dis. That means we're not even yet. So I will say this, the reason Renee Zellwegger squints so much is because she was in a movie with you and you're too ugly to look at without squinting.

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 9:46 PM

Brad,

That's honestly the dumbest dis. Because 1. Renee Zelwegger squinted way before our movie, Leatherheads, and 2. Everyone knows I'm not ugly. That doesn't even offend me, because obviously I'm not ugly.

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 11:47 PM

George,

If she always squinted so much, maybe you should have called your precious little eye doctor.

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 11:42 AM

Okay, that one's actually pretty funny, man.

George Clooney

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 2:20 PM

George,

Thanks. So listen, you get the ear doctor and I'll get the eye doctor, and I'll see you at Sassafraz at eight.

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 3:01 PM

Brad,

Okay. Are you sure I shouldn't pick the eye doctor? Haha. Just kidding. Seeya then.

Interview: Russell Crowe

At some point in every journalist's life, comes the nightmare interview. The following was mine.

******

It was 10:35 a.m. on a shiny Tuesday morning as I got off the plane, destination - the Land Down Under, which is a restaurant in Los Angeles, set trendily beneath a hobo bridge. I was there to meet local bad boy and film actor Russell Crowe. When I arrived at TLDU as it's known by first-letter-loving L.A. types, I spotted the enigmatic Aussie. Known as one of the most prickly celebrity actors of his generation, it was once said that he was as prickly as one of the cacti that I think grow in the place where he's from, Australia. That was said by me, to the guy sitting next to me on the plane, while I was thinking of things to write about this. As he smiled and waved, I knew I was in for what was to be the most difficult interview of my career.

Tom Henry: Hi, Mr. Crowe, I'm Tom Henry.

Russell Crowe: Hi mate. How was your flight?

TH: What flight?

RC: Oh, I'm sorry, did you not take a flight out here?

TH: Oh, the flight here? Yeah, it was okay.

RC: Should we get this thing started?

TH: Okay man, jeez, relax.

RC: Or we could eat first if you like.

TH: No, no. Go ahead, what do you want to talk about?

RC: Do you have questions, or...?

TH: Oh right, forgot who I was dealing with here. Sure... what's your favourite colour?

RC: I'd probably say blue.

TH: Wonderful! That's front page material for sure buddy.

RC: Would green work better?

TH: Can we just move on to the next question, please?

RC: Sure thing.

TH: How would you respond to some of your critics who say, your existence really doesn't matter much?

RC: Which critics said that?

TH: I read it.

RC: In what?

TH: My diary.

RC: Well, I suppose that's fair. I mean, I'm an actor. I try to entertain people, but ultimately, a doctor is a much more important person than I am.

TH: You mean a snail doctor?

RC: What's a snail doctor?

TH: An example of someone much more important than you.

RC: Is it a real thing?

TH: I hope so, someone has to fix that snail guy who delivers letters so slowly.

RC: What?

TH: The snail male.

RC: ...

TH: You make music too, right?

RC: Oh yeah mate, I'd love to talk about that a bit.

TH: How many encores have you not been asked to do?

RC: Hmm, I'm not sure how I would quantify that.

TH: Just take the total amount of shows you've ever played, then subtract zero.

RC: It's great just to get up there and make something with your mates. It's very therapeutic for me.

TH: I've actually heard your music reffered to as therapeutic before.

RC: That's great, if it helps people, that's all I could ever ask for.

TH: Electroshock therapeutic.

RC: Oh.

TH: I rented a few of your movies the other night, in preparation.

RC: Great.

TH: I have my own name for A Beautiful Mind, would you like to hear it?

RC: Sure.

TH: A Beautiful Kind - of DVD player, would be one that wasn't able to play this movie.

RC: I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it.

TH: I also watched Cinderella Man.

RC: I'm proud of that film.

TH: I was kind of tired because I didn't start watching it until about 11:45 pm.

RC: That's a bit late, mate.

TH: I was hoping by midnight, you'd turn into a pumpkin, and I could just enjoy Renee Zellweger and Paul Giamatti.

RC: Well, they're great actors.

TH: Are you upset that The Wrestler took the same basic premise as The Gladiator?

RC: It's just called Gladiator, I don't think those two movies are very similar.

TH: Are you upset that Mickey Rourke is a bit better looking than you?

RC: I don't really think about that kind of thing.

TH: Are you upset that Mickey Rourke is also a bit better looking than an old rotten log?

RC: I dunno mate.

TH: An old rotten log with ants crawling on it?

RC: Have I done something to agitate you?

TH: Why? What are you gonna do, call Wrigley Scott?

RC: Ridley.

TH: Excuse me?

RC: His name is Ridley

TH: You just want to disagree with everything I say. I was warned about you. I don't need this. This interview's over.

RC: I'm sorry it didn't work out mate. Would you like my last shrimp?

TH: Sure, let me go throw it on the barbo.

RC: Did you mean to say barbie?

TH: Yeah, I'm gonna put the shrimp on a doll, like a little shrimp doll belt. You can't treat people like this, man. TTYN.

Hollywood Insider Secrets

Hi everyone,

I've been reading this book called Hollywood Insider Secrets, and I thought I'd share with you what I thought are some of the most interesting tidbits.

Brad Pitt didn't get famous from acting talent or good looks. A producer actually spotted him riding his bike with no hands. It turns out, it actually was as impressive as he thought it was.

Similarily, Tobey Maguire was not recruited for acting talent or looks, he was spotted on the subway, drumming on his lap along to his iPod.

Many have heard about a yet to be discovered Quentin Tarantino famously throwing his first script over Harvey Keitel's fence. What most people don't know is what that actual script looked like:

Jerry Seinfeld never would have appeared on the Tonight Show if he hadn't checked his spam email.

Significant and irrevocable damage will be done to the space time continuum if Daniel Day Lewis ever takes a part as an Irish method actor.

Actor Breckin Meyer (of Garfield fame) has been given all of his roles by accident, and then no one wanted to tell him.

George Lucas' original title for Star Wars was, "In This Space Place A Lot Of Things Happen."

Ron Howard thinks that Tom Hanks is his best friend, but he's not Tom Hanks' best friend, and Tom Hanks thinks that Ron Howard is his best friend but he's not Ron Howard's best friend. They are best friends.

The original plan of the Bilderberg Group was for Maury Povich to be more powerful than Oprah Winfrey. Alas, on the day of his first show he got a lot of burrs stuck on him and was forced to pull out. Those who possess the truth still heed the word of Povich.

In a startling number of films that feature Elijah Wood, Mr. Wood is being stood in for by a squirrel standing on top of another squirrel.

Tim Burton pitches every movie the same way, like this: "You're gonna have to bear with me here guys, this one's a little kookie. But I think you're gonna like it, we're giving Johnny Depp a really interesting haircut."

"You can't pass."

Masterpiece (Sarcastic)

Hi everyone,

This is my newest movie (film).

Love,

tom d.

Interview: Sofia Coppola

This winter I had the oppourtunity to sit down with one of the best filmmakers, Sofia Coppola. Her new movie, Somewhere is in theaters now. It stars Dakota Fanning's sister and Andrew Dorff's brother.

Tom Henry: Hi Sofia, it's a pleasure.

Sofia Coppola: What? Sorry, what's going on?

TH: I'm here to interview you.

SC: Oh right, ok, everyone's always pulling me in so many directions.

TH: That must be hard.

SC: It is, that's why I do what I do for people.

TH: What's that?

SC: You know, I make films about the hardships of being an average American trying to get through this life.

TH: Oh, I thought you made movies about sort of priveledged people?

SC: What are you kidding me? My films are about everyone. Everybody has to wake up in the morning, wash their face, and then go to this junket and that junket, answer this question, answer that question, oh my daughter loves you, oh, you inspire me.

TH: That doesn't happen to everyone.

SC: I guess if you want to argue semantics, there are tribes somewhere in Samoa where they don't have to sign as many autographs.

TH: I feel like you're a bit out of touch from the way things really are. Perhaps you grew up in a bit of a bubble?

SC: A bubble? You have to be joking. I get out there all the time, meet people from all walks of life.

TH: I apologize, I may have leapt to judgement.

SC: You did, like just the other day I met this guy Brad, just like you or me, being followed around by paparazzi and having to smile at people who like him and all that.

TH: Brad Pitt?

SC: Oh, you know him?

TH: He's a movie star.

SC: Of course he is, everyone's a movie star.

TH: No.

SC: Oh, you're silly, of course everyone is born, they hang out for a while, then be in Godfather 3 and then they make movies or become a Sean Penn or something.

TH: If everyone's famous then who are all those people you said you have to sign autographs and answer questions for?

SC: I think it's kind of like The Matrix?

TH:...

SC: ...or Inception? Like a dream where angry parts of your subconcious are playing unfamouses.

TH: I don't understand, who fixes your toilet if it breaks then?

SC: That guy who played Joey on Friends.

TH: Ok, bad example but how do you think a society can run if everyone is a rich actor?

SC: Easy, everyone makes movies all day, then in the night they feel isolated in a famous way, so they all go to each other's movies to escape. Or, for another example, they have to go on a trip, and so John Travolta flies them there, so John Travolta gets money that day. Then John Travolta pays that money back to get into a movie. It's simple economics, man.

TH: Who farms our food?

SC: Kevin Costner I guess, baseball and food.

TH: He farms baseball?

SC: Baseball doesn't just grow itself. You must be really spoiled.

TH: Let's talk about something else.

SC: Ok, what?

TH: Are you friends with The Strokes?

SC: Everyone's friends with The Strokes.

TH: That's not possible.

SC: My next movie actually is about being friends with The Strokes. It's called Friends With The Strokes, and it's scored by me telling The Strokes to play their songs different.

TH: What happens in the movie?

SC: It's about either a normal guy or girl, who leans on the windows of vehicles a lot and then has fun but is sad.

TH: Doesn't sound really fleshed out.

SC: Oh really, then why would one of the biggest filmmakers of all time be on board to produce it?

TH: Is it Francis Ford Coppola?

SC: Is what Francis Ford Coppola?

TH: Nevermind.

SC: Anyway, it's the first installment of my trilogy that I'm calling The Blue Collar Average Joe Trilogy, it consists of; Friends With The Strokes, Harrison Ford Was A Fun Babysitter, Right Everyone? and We All Can Relate To Eighteenth Century French Royalty.

TH: I have to go.

SC: Go be in a movie?

TH: No.

SC: Go talk on the phone to someone who doesn't understand that you're lonely?

TH: No.

SC: You're a weird guy.

A Letter To Ebert

Dear Mr. Ebert,

As Oscar season approaches, I realize the workload of a professional film critic can be daunting. This is why I'm prepared to offer you my services, I being an aspiring/professional film critic (references available upon formal request*)

Should you choose to compensate me, that would be fine, my going rates usually have something to do with fifty dollars. Otherwise, I'll be happy with the exposure, so long as I get a byline on all reviews.

In the unlikely event you choose not to use any of my writing, well, I would hate to think of you having new competition in the movie watching and reviewing circuit.

Here is a sample of what you could enjoy a fresh piece of:

-Black Swan-

"Natalie Portman? More like Natalie Portal(wo)man, because it's as if she has a magical acting portal, and she's a woman."

"The film features spectacular turns by Mila, Me-la-ikey, Kunis, and Win-osca-owna (she should win and own an Oscar) Ryder.

"Black Swan is in the black! (if it were finance related).

-True Grit-

"True Grit - True, great!"

"Don'T RUE not seeing (true) GRIT!"

"Jeff Bridges is definitely the best famous Jeff and the best famous Bridges! (Beats Goldblum, Daniels, Golden Gate, Brooklyn, Jeff Bridges' brother)."

"London bridge might be falling down, but Jeff Bridges is not falling down!"

-The King's Speech-

"I don't feel bad for that guy who had a speech impedement, because ultimately he got Colin Firth to play him so good!"

"You won't be able to stop speeching about The King's Speech!"

-Toy Story 3-

"Tim (Allen) and Tom (Hanks) have done it again! It's clear that 'T' and 'M' stand for 'Talented' and 'Man' no matter what lousy vowel gets between them, because these guys are talented, man! or talented men, "M" could stand for "men" as well."

"Toy Story 3 was almost worth being reminded that Tim Allen still makes more money than us, and gets to hang out with Tom Hanks."

-The Social Network-

"I will never put my face in a book again, as long as this movie exists, and other movies I like exist."

"Jesse Eisenberg plays cold so perfectly it makes me think, "Yes, he ice n' berg"."

"It's not complicated, The Social Network's friend request has been approved! It's status is, "I'm great." and you've been tagged - in a picture of you watching this movie and loving it! Also, share a link, messages, event invite!

-The Fighter-

"Sensational!"

"Powerhouse peformances from the actors!"

"I didn't see this film!"

Thankyou for your time, Ebert, I look forward to working with you.

As us movie critics like to say, we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at movie stars, on a movie screen and taking notes.

Best,

tom (d) henry

*Official formal request procedure will need to be ascertained before formal request can be submitted.

Are you talking to me?

On Being Cool, Interview: Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood came to see me recently, and conduct(ed?) this interview for some magazine, I guess.

In the midst of shooting my latest movie which is about Matt Damon being a psychic, I was offered a rare opportunity to visit with Tom Henry in his Culver City offices. Of course, I did not pass it up. I told Matt Damon to go learn more about acting like a psychic in order to halt production for the day, then headed over to meet the man.

Clint Eastwood: Mr. Henry, I've been waiting to meet you for some time.

Tom Henry: Thankyou. I've heard of you too. "Go on and make my day, pal." right?

CE: Yeah.

TH: Before you came in, my assistant told me you're a legend.

CE: Well, I don't sit around and tell people what things are on maps all day.

TH: What?

CE: It was a joke.

TH: Oh. How?

CE: I pretended you were referring the other kind of legend, like for a map.

TH: Rand McNally?

CE: What?

TH: Rand Mcnally, legend of maps.

CE: I'd like to talk to you about being cool, something I've been called a lot.

TH: Were you feeling cold, due to your immense age, when someone called you that?

CE: No, but you're a very sharp and funny guy.

TH: Thanks, for you to say that to me, and not for me to pretend that someone is saying it to me, will boost my confidence a lot.

CE: What is being cool?

TH: Some people think that striking a match on their teeth is cool, but to me, it just means you have very rough teeth.

CE: Speaking of matches, are cigarettes cool?

TH: I would feel it irresponsible of me to say that cigarettes are cool, but I will say, to exhale cigarette smoke looks very cool, also cigarette flicks, taking a cigarette out of it's pack, that little tap people do before they open a pack, inhaling cigarette smoke, getting out of one's chair and you know it's because they're going to smoke, the way cigarettes look between two elongated fingers, etc...

CE: Ok.

TH: One more thing, when someone lights two cigarettes in their mouth and then gives one to a woman, also, when men and women smoke together.

CE: Is drinking alcohol cool?

TH: As long as it doesn't make you tell stories about other times you drank alcohol.

CE: Can you be born cool?

TH: I dunno, can you be born with a very original hat on? Probably not.

CE: So are hats a big part of it?

TH: Absolutely, if you can put on a hat that not too many other people are taking advantage of, like a bowler, and then pretend to not be completely self concious about the fact that your whole night revolves around a unique hat choice, you're ahead of the game.

CE: Is it cool to be kind?

TH: I think the unexpected is cool. So if you're famous or rich, be kind. If you're poor and obviously not famous, i.e. Bob Cratchit, try being mean. If you're a jock, try being sensitive, and if you're a poet, try not to drown in self-importance and possibly self-vomit.

CE: Is irony cool?

TH: Tell me if you've ever had someone agree to marry you to be ironic, then ask me if irony is cool.

CE: Does that happen?

TH: Have you ever fallen in love with a Nicholas Cage fan?

CE: No. Is being in a band cool?

TH: If every band had a double-necked guitar player, I'd be able to tell you there's at least one cool guy in every band.

CE: Is being tough cool?

TH: Yes, I think that Ghandi could have remained peaceful, but if he at least went around punching walls he could have done a better job.

CE: What would be a cool way for me to end this interview?

TH: Anything to do with fire, I guess. Do you have a lighter?

CE: No. How about if we hug?

TH: Whatever man.