Friday, February 6, 2009

A Very Special Interview

I recently was interviewed by the ghost of Heath Ledger. Here it is.

Tom Henry and I met on a Tuesday afternoon at his recording studio in Culver City, Los Angeles. He didn't want me at his house as I would scare his cats. He's been working for the past six weeks on a series of audio books for people with speech impediments. "I'm not a speech therapist, but I figured they could listen to me talk and then try to talk like me." explains Tom. 
It's this kind of straightforward thinking that's put the man in the place that he is. I hadn't had any real desire to return to the physical realm until I observed him elegantly waving a conductor's wand to control the pitch of his own voice as he spoke defined S sounds. Saviour of those with lisp, and many without, and a damn good reason for me to return for twenty minutes. 

Heath Ledger: Hey mate.

Tom Henry: Hey man, we miss you down here.

HL: I miss you too.

TH: I saw a beautiful tribute to your life the other day, had like clips from all your films in slow motion. 

HL: Have you seen any of my films?

TH: Yeah, I saw Moulin Rouge.

HL: I wasn't in that.

TH: Bewitched?

HL: No mate.

TH: You were married to Tom Cruise right?

HL: No mate, that's Nicole Kidman.

TH: Oh, sorry.

HL: I was in Brokeback Mountain.

TH: I thought that was Nicole Kidman, about a straight cowboy/cowgirl couple

HL: No mate. I got into a bit of drug trouble, have you ever? 

TH: I grew tired of people telling me blood was blue inside of you, so I inject red dye a few times a day.

HL: Not really a drug is it?

TH: Well, the peace of mind has a definite calming affect.

HL: Does it work?

TH: There's no way to tell. I imagine it's actually a shade of purple now, but when I bleed it's extra red. They want to start using my blood in candy canes in place of spider blood. 

HL: I didn't know they use spider blood. 

TH: That's what a vegan told me once. Maybe she just couldn't think of a better way to say no to a candy cane. 

HL: I need to ask you something, will you accept my Oscar for me? 

TH: I'm sorry, I have plans. 

HL: What are you doing? 

TH: I take yoga to meet women. 

HL: I see. 

TH: Not in a romantic way, I just like to know people who breathe very well, they just happen to be mostly women. It looks like you're a shoe-in for the award though.

HL: Good, I hate to lose. 

TH: Me too, there is one game that's really good to lose though.

HL: What is it? 

TH: Musical electric chairs. 

HL: Mate, that's true. Do you think about mortality much? 

TH: ...What?.. I'm sorry I'm a little out of sorts, today I went to take a sip of what I thought was orange juice and it turned out to be orange strawberry banana juice. 

HL: I understand. 

TH: Not quite sure how you get juice out of a banana.

HL: Do you have any questions for the spirit realm. 

TH: Yeah, ask Einstein if he's so smart why he's still not alive again.

HL: Thanks for your time Tom, do you think I'll see you anytime soon?

TH: The world needs me Heath. 

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Man Who Sold The World

Man: Hey, you wanna buy the world? 

Other man: How much does it cost?

Man: Not very much.

Other man: What's wrong with it?

Man: Nothing, it's fine, I just don't want it anymore. 

Other man: Is there much ugliness there? 

Man: No, not really. Sometimes people  spit out their gum and other people step in it. That's about it.

Other man: Any wars? 

Man: Not that I know of. Every now and then people argue about, you know, the normal stuff... like people chewing gum too loudly, that kind of thing.

Other man: So, no famine, misery, death?

Man: Look, I'm gonna level with you, we have a major gum problem.

Other man: Well that doesn't sound too serious.

Man: So you'll buy it? 

Other man: The world? Yes.

Man: That'll be forty dollars.

Kurt Cobain & David Bowie play Monopoly