Regarding My Recent Hiatus

Dear readers,

Regarding my recent unnanounced hiatus from professional literary humour blogging.

    My babies, I have been very busy. A while back I was asked to punch up the script for the recently released Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, starring Matthew Mcauhnehay and Jennifer Garner. As we neared release time my life proved too hectic for any creative endeavours. If you see the film, here are some of the scenes I wrote that I'm most proud of:

EXT. PARK. DAY.

JENNIFER GARNER
Uh, so just how many girls have you dated?

MATTHEW MCAUGNENNY

You ever been to New York City?

JENNIFER GARNER
Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything...

MATTHEW MCAUHNEY
About as many as how many people live there.

INT. GREG'S APARTMENT. DAY.

There's a party at Greg's apartment.

TINA
Hey Matthew.

MATTHEW MACAUGNQAY
Tina! what are you doing here!

JENNIFER GARNER
Who's this girl?

MATTHEW MCHAUNAGHY
This is... uh... this is my old college roomate... her name is uhh... (looks around room) chips and dip!

JENNIFER GARNER
Your college roomate was a beautiful woman named chips and dip?

MATTHEW MACUGHNEHE
What can I say, I went to art school?


...Dear Jimmy Fallon,

     I'm writing the stupidest thing about that film Ghosts of Girlfriends Past for my stupid blog. Sometimes you have to pander to your fan base, most likely a bunch of bearded corduroy enthusiasts and girls who wear dress shirts under their t shirts, who can't stand the sight of two beautiful faces like Matthew Mcconaughey and Jennifer Garner, this generations Cary Grant and who ever the famous women were back then.
     Oh, you don't think Frasier is funny, oh really? Because it only won eight writing emmys, but I guess you know better than television professionals. I bet these 'comedy connoisseurs' even laughed when I pretended like I don't know how to spell Matthew Mcconaughey. Yeah, because I've never heard of this thing called google. Lol. I gotta get back to this, hang on...

INT. DINNER PARTY. NIGHT.

Right so then Matthew maccunehu goes to this dinner party that Jennifer takes him to and this other ex shows up and it's so dumb and formulaic, don't you hate Hollywood films with great production values that you can actually just enjoy without having to think back to grade 10 philsophy?

... Jim, the reason I was writing originally is I thought you might have a job for me over there. Truth is, the real reason for my hiatus was I was busy writing some stuff for your show, which by the way I think is really a cutting edge program. 

   Mostly I've written four hundred jokes about the economy, that didn't get better yet did it? Check this out: 1. Have you heard about the economy? The economy I hear is so bad that Tom Cruise couldn't afford his crazy pills. 2. Hey have you guys heard about how bad the economy is? I heard that Jessica Simpson is skinny again, because she couldn't even afford any food.
There's a lot more Jim, and pretty much if you give me any name of a celebrity I can probably make an economy joke about it. It would help if they're involved in some sort of controversy though, like being crazy or fat. Shit, hang on...

EXT. SOME STUPID STREET. EXT.

It's the end of the movie, and Matthew Maacahnny just chased Jennifer Garner up to the top of the CN tower.

JENNIFER GARNER
If you love Nancy and Jess and all those other girls so much why don't you just go be with them!

MATTHEW MCCcAGHNNONI
You see this? you see how much I care about them!

Matthew gets out his little black book with all of the ladies phone numbers and rips it up and throws it off the building. Then they kiss and the camera spins around. The end. And that's a bad movie because it makes people happy and hopeful that true love might exist.

... listen Jim, I'm gonna wrap this thing up, gimme a call or an email or whatever. I also have alot of George W. Bush jokes, which I dunno maybe we can just change the names if someone else does something dumb. I can do an impression of him too, if you need that, as well as a pretty serviceable Arnold Schwartzenegger. And I usually put them in unlikely situations like ordering a pizza or something. Like, George W. Bush ordering a pizza: "What would you like to order sir?" "Ughh, this is one of dem ordering thingys?"
The sooner you can get me writing for people who are normal and went to college and don't watch Ingmar Bergman films, the better.

All my best, and give my love to your wife, Drew Barrymore's friend,


Tom Henry

...In summation I'd like to thank you all for hanging in there with me through this long break, I love and appreciate you all so much. It's really refreshing to know that people are interested in comedy that's original and weird and not all about just being really funny and making people laugh.

Eternally grateful,

Tom (d) Henry

Slim Twig

My mainest man Slim Twig just released his first full length album entitled, Contempt! When he first gave me a special early listening copy, he had written Conempt! so I'd like to announce that I'm officially taking credit for the T in this epic album, and any good review attained thus far is now null and void on account of not mentioning my influence.
To celebrate this special occasion 'Slim' and I sat down for an email conversation about music and life, unfortunately he never answered his questions, while I slaved away answering his. Here it is Tom Henry, Slim Twig:

ST: Tom, in October you posted an interesting interview you did with Modern Guitars Magazine that made several references to guitar virtuoso Greg Howe. What is your opinion of virtuosos musical or otherwise? Do you consider yourself a virtuoso of the blog scene? Lastly, how did Howe respond to your negative assessments & were you successful in uncorking an interdisciplanary virtuoso beef?

TH: I've always thought of myself as the Kevin Eubanks of blogging. Eubanks is the wisest of all guitar virtuosos, he's had to listen to every single Leno monologue for the past twenty years. when you live through Leno monologues, twenty minutes becomes a week, and when you add that up Kevin Eubanks is something like 150 years old. I also appreciate that he never plays a song over fifteen seconds long, These guys like Howe think it's cool to play songs that go into the three and four minute range.
As for Howe, I don't think you can really call it a beef, it's more of a 50 cent/ Ja Rule situation. He's through. I single handedly took a guitar rif master and rendered him less cool than a drummer. The only sessions Greg Howe is taking part in now are in Lance Bass and Clay Aitkens new "band" if you know what I mean. I mean that he's gay and not in the good way - in the inappropriate derogatory way.

ST: Your fascination with celebrity has seen you defaming everyone from Jay Leno to Seth Rogen. Still, I notice you haven't taken a crack at many celebrity musicians or musician / actors (Russell, Keanu, Bruce etc...). Are you intimidated by the possibility of a battle of the bands or rock-off challenge? What about a dance off?

TH: Rogen and I actually made up. He's casting me in his new movie, I play a guy who thinks women are hot and likes beer/weed.
Regarding the actor/musicians you mentioned, they all tend to have large muscles and/or the ability to download karate moves, so you pick your battles.
I'd be open to a rock off but I'd have to set a few ground rules; no instruments, no sounds made with mouth, no noise allowed for that matter, no body movements. Did I mention I was regional standing champion '98-'99? The rules for the dance off would be very similar.

ST: Recently you collaborated with local photographer, and Toronto music scene documentarian Danielle Nemet (of Sombre Reptiles photoblog fame). Do you find the local music scene to be at all inspiring? Do you go to 'gigs' with any regularity?

TH: I do frequent Toronto gigs. What really bothers me about Toronto's music scene is the lack of adaptability. In my mind if U2 is the most popular band, then really everyone should be attempting their sound, that's just simple economics. Long story short, the answer's no, there are no good bands in Toronto, and I double as a Toronto music critic, so that opinion is actually fact.

ST: What is your desert island record, or do you still not own a stereo?

I still don't own a stereo, but my favourite album is the No Country for Old Men soundtrack.

ST: Lastly, who is the smelliest, or most groupie-abusing member of Vampire Weekend? Do you have any other amusing tour stories from your stint as maraca shaker in this cute african pop band & critical favourite?

TH: Firstly, I need to correct you, our sound is purely original, so there actually are no African influences. Furthermore in addition to the maraca, I play the djembe, kalimba and marimba. In answer to your question, all of the members of VW (the band) use Axe bodyspray almost religously, and it's impossible to abuse a groupie, they love it.
There is this one really funny story.We were touring once and we all had to sleep in this small hotel room that was meant for probably three less people then we had, and we all just looked at each other and said; "Well, this is life on the road."



Slim Twig's Contempt! is out now, you can buy it in stores and internets, I'm assuming.

and if you haven't heard this guy please go to myspace.com/slimtwig

Syllogisms

Sleep is the cousin of death.
Being awake is the cousin of life.
Being awake is life.
Life is it's own cousin.

therefore Existence is inbred.



They say geniuses pick green
All Nosepickers pick green

therefore All nosepickers are geniuses.
(Until they pick too far, thus picking red.)



Only way I'm interested in your dream: It's about me.
"You were you but you weren't you.": only sort of about me.
Amount dream must be about me: More than sort of.

therefore I don't care about your dream.



The Japanese are very efficient.
Computers are very efficient.

therefore Yuppies eating computer food, dying. World peace achieved. Feist record sales drop.



Vegetarians love animals so they don't eat them.
Vegetarians love vegetables so they eat them.
Vegetarians are confused about love.

therefore Vegetarians' children live in constant fear.
(Attempt to stay away from lentils.)






Portuguese prime minister Jose Socrates is a mortal man

F. Scott Fitzgerald

As anyone who reads this blog knows I have something of a penchant for correspondence. Recently, I've been reading the collected letters of F. Scott Fitzgerald.  The letters of this great American master range from heartbreaking realizations to his former love Zelda, to talking shop with Ernest Hemingway. There were a few letters however that I found a little odd. Here they are.

1403 North Laurel Avenue

Hollywood, California

August 24, 1940

Dear Candy Store,

How many times must I tell you to leave out the yellow jube jubes from the jube jube bin? Have you any idea who I am? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

1307 Park Avenue

Baltimore, Maryland

May 11, 1935

Dear Friend, 

Have I made a terrible mistake by going by F.? It's just struck me that it's not so much a name but a letter. Whilst travelling easterly by air, I was going through the alphabet and realized that most men have chosen as many as six or seven of these letters arranged in different interesting ways. 

F? Scott Fitzgerald

14 Rue de Tilsett

Paris, France

August 13, 1925

Dear Reviewer, 

In your review of my book, you quipped that The Great Gatsby, should merely have been called The Good Gatsby. I am writing to inform you that I have changed the title of the book to The Much Greater and Better than you, the reviewer to whom I'm writing this letter, Gatsby. Be warned I am not bluffing. My appetite for revenge burns deep within me (copyright).

F. Scott Fitzgerald

5521 Amestoy Avenue

Encino, California

April 11, 1940

Dear Editor, 

I feel not like writing anymore. Do you think anyone would mind terribly if we adapted the Archie comics in to a novel?  Do you reckon this Jughead fellow could pass as a Yale man? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Garden of Allah Hotel

Hollywood, California

February 22, 1938

Dear future president Harry S. Truman, 

Good sir, I have great respect for your name, but might you consider changing it slightly to S. Harry Truman? This I believe will be much more becoming; however, you must always be sure to utilize the period after the S or else I'm afraid your name may resemble that of a ladies, a price this country can ill afford.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Creep Crepe

Writing up on Thursday. Thanks for Coming  

-TH

A Few Quick Letters 2

Dear athletes, 

Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.

Dear toilet paper,

Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.

Dear mothers,

There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think. 

Dear mother,

Please disregard the above statement.

Dear philosophers,

What's the point? (Don't answer that)

Dear bookmarks,

You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.

Dear Kevin Spacey, 

Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.

Dear walk-in closet,

I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor. 

Dear eyes, 

If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?

Dear glass doors, 

There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.

Dear murderers, 

Things I like about you: 

You haven't murdered me yet.

Dear Daniel Day Lewis,

Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.

Dear dog, 

Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.

p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.

Dear own medicine, 

Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.

Very Short Plays

THE OFFICE PARTY

act 1. scene 1.

EMPLOYEE 1: 

Hey, during this tough economy, it was a great idea to hire this cheap Jack Nicholson impersonator as entertainment.

EMPLOYEE 2:

Thanks, yeah, Christian Slater is doing a great job.

THE MAN WHO ALWAYS GETS ONE LETTER WRONG THUS HIS LIFE RESEMBLES A REALLY BAD COMIC STRIP

act 1. scene 1.

MAN: 

Here's that pigeon wearing lingerie you ordered. 

OTHER MAN:

I said exotic bird!

TWO OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE GREET EACH OTHER

act 1. scene 1.

PERSON 1:

I miss your face!

PERSON 2: 

Where have you been my whole life?!

MIKE TYSON: POST IMPRESSIONIST

act 1. scene 1.

MIKE TYSON:

Here I lie, with all this artistic talent, a tortured artist. I shouldn't have eaten Van Gogh's ear.

FRIEND WHO IS ANNOYING AFTER MIDNIGHT

act 1. scene 1.

BEN:

Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow.

RICH:

Well, technically I'll see you today.

THE TABLE  &  THE COASTER

act 1. scene 1.

TABLE:

My sole purpose is to put things on. Everytime you impose yourself between me and a glass you tell me I can't do my job! (pause) The scars of condensation would be far less painful than what you're putting me through.

THE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ACTING

act 1. scene 1.

DAISY:

Do you remember daddy's wheat fields back in Nebraska? Remember how they smell on a humid August night? 

GREG:

Hang on, I'm trying to, using the technique of sense memory. Is it time for my soliloquy?

VERY FAT CANNIBAL

act.1 scene 1.

JON:

Hey, I ate that book club sandwich you told me about.

ROOMATE:

That was my book club!