On Being Cool, Interview: Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood came to see me recently, and conduct(ed?) this interview for some magazine, I guess.

In the midst of shooting my latest movie which is about Matt Damon being a psychic, I was offered a rare opportunity to visit with Tom Henry in his Culver City offices. Of course, I did not pass it up. I told Matt Damon to go learn more about acting like a psychic in order to halt production for the day, then headed over to meet the man.

Clint Eastwood: Mr. Henry, I've been waiting to meet you for some time.

Tom Henry: Thankyou. I've heard of you too. "Go on and make my day, pal." right?

CE: Yeah.

TH: Before you came in, my assistant told me you're a legend.

CE: Well, I don't sit around and tell people what things are on maps all day.

TH: What?

CE: It was a joke.

TH: Oh. How?

CE: I pretended you were referring the other kind of legend, like for a map.

TH: Rand McNally?

CE: What?

TH: Rand Mcnally, legend of maps.

CE: I'd like to talk to you about being cool, something I've been called a lot.

TH: Were you feeling cold, due to your immense age, when someone called you that?

CE: No, but you're a very sharp and funny guy.

TH: Thanks, for you to say that to me, and not for me to pretend that someone is saying it to me, will boost my confidence a lot.

CE: What is being cool?

TH: Some people think that striking a match on their teeth is cool, but to me, it just means you have very rough teeth.

CE: Speaking of matches, are cigarettes cool?

TH: I would feel it irresponsible of me to say that cigarettes are cool, but I will say, to exhale cigarette smoke looks very cool, also cigarette flicks, taking a cigarette out of it's pack, that little tap people do before they open a pack, inhaling cigarette smoke, getting out of one's chair and you know it's because they're going to smoke, the way cigarettes look between two elongated fingers, etc...

CE: Ok.

TH: One more thing, when someone lights two cigarettes in their mouth and then gives one to a woman, also, when men and women smoke together.

CE: Is drinking alcohol cool?

TH: As long as it doesn't make you tell stories about other times you drank alcohol.

CE: Can you be born cool?

TH: I dunno, can you be born with a very original hat on? Probably not.

CE: So are hats a big part of it?

TH: Absolutely, if you can put on a hat that not too many other people are taking advantage of, like a bowler, and then pretend to not be completely self concious about the fact that your whole night revolves around a unique hat choice, you're ahead of the game.

CE: Is it cool to be kind?

TH: I think the unexpected is cool. So if you're famous or rich, be kind. If you're poor and obviously not famous, i.e. Bob Cratchit, try being mean. If you're a jock, try being sensitive, and if you're a poet, try not to drown in self-importance and possibly self-vomit.

CE: Is irony cool?

TH: Tell me if you've ever had someone agree to marry you to be ironic, then ask me if irony is cool.

CE: Does that happen?

TH: Have you ever fallen in love with a Nicholas Cage fan?

CE: No. Is being in a band cool?

TH: If every band had a double-necked guitar player, I'd be able to tell you there's at least one cool guy in every band.

CE: Is being tough cool?

TH: Yes, I think that Ghandi could have remained peaceful, but if he at least went around punching walls he could have done a better job.

CE: What would be a cool way for me to end this interview?

TH: Anything to do with fire, I guess. Do you have a lighter?

CE: No. How about if we hug?

TH: Whatever man.

Draw Joke

Death Of A Sailsman.

Thankyou.

Halloween Joke Book

Hi everyone.

For those of you who don't know, I've spent the last two months writing my very own Halloween joke book. This past Saturday, October the thirtieth, I sent it in to the publishing company, right on time for Halloween of course, and it was rejected.

They gave me the usual BS. They said it was way too short, not enough jokes, and that the jokes weren't "punchy enough" or some of them weren't "really jokes". "Too many footnotes for a joke book" they said. Well now it's my turn to talk.

All I wanted to do was share my own brand of Halloween humour, and I'm not about to let any book publishing corporate fat cat stop me. So, instead of shopping this around and getting the money I deserve, I present to you here, in it's entirety, my Halloween joke book.

Why do vampires always check their hair on Skype (or other video chat programs)?

Because they can't see themselves in the mirror.

Speaking of vampires, I heard they need to stay away from garlic. Do you know where they should not go?

Italian restaurants.

Why did the luddite not want to dress up like a spider for Halloween?

He didn't like being on the web.

Do you want to hear a witch joke?

Ok, which joke?

Why does Marilyn Manson hate Halloween?

He can never tell if he's met a true beauty, or if they're just faking looking gross and weird.

Why are pirate werewolves so cautious?

Because they be werewolves. ((be - were (ware)wolves.) (beware wolves))

Who was the kid mummy's favourite rapper?

His mummy.*

His mummy, or mother, dresses him in the morning by (w)rapping him thus making her a (w)rapper or wrapper.**

**Author (or "jokester") pleads poetic license on dropping of 'w'.

Who was Sigmund Freud's favourite Ghostbuster?

EGOn.

(Please ignore holes in timeline and prenounciation.)

Pictured above, the beautiful people? Uhhhh, yeah, right.

Art

Of an art period.

Oven art, period.

Hello, What?

Hi guys. Too formal? Ok, hey guys. I made this video with a lot of the funniest guys that live in the city that I live in. Is my writing style getting too chunky? I think this old blog is going to cut the sides off again, does anyone know how to fix that? So anyway, click the thing that lets you watch it on youtube.

If you liked this, Chris Locke and Derek Horn, who I made this video with, also made this gem.

Interview: James Franco

I was recently asked by actor and young man, James Franco, for an interview. Having been a fan of his tight facial skin for some time, I obliged.

James Franco: Tom Henry, an absolute pleasure.

Tom Henry: Nice to see you James, just call me Tom.

JF: Great, just call me James.

TH: I did.

JF: Just call me James Dean.

TH: No.

JF: Haha, yeah, just kidding, I'm really sick of that comparison actually.

TH: You brought it up.

JF: You know, sometimes you just want to be your own person, but people are so simple that they can only understand things by comparing them with things they're already familiar with.

TH: That's a wise take on it, I think.

JF: Can a guy not just be an actor named James who looks like James Dean and plays James Dean and acts like James Dean?

TH: Personally, I think you look kind of like Bill Pullman.

JF: Not James Dean?

TH: A bit I guess.

JF: That really offends me.

TH: Sorry, I thought you didn't like the...

JF: You're tearing me apart!

TH: Right. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?

JF: Sure. Would you believe me if I told you I was a ghost?

TH: Seriously? What, the ghost of James Dean?

JF: That's not what I was going to say, you think you're so smart.

TH: I apologize, go on.

JF: A ghost that hangs out at graveyards, y'know?

TH: Ok, sure.

JF: And, one day this ghost, y'know the ghost that I am, wanders upon this one certain dead guy's body, and goes inside of him and starts making him move around and talk and seem alive again.

TH: Ok, and the dead guy is James Dean.

JF: Do you believe it?

TH: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

JF, Why, you scared?

TH: I am a little scared of you.

JF: Don't be scared, I, the ghost that I am, am now completely in control of this body, like that movie, Being James Dean.

TH: Being James Dean?

JF: Yeah, you know, Being James Dean, that movie with John Malkovich.

TH: Ok, whatever. Where did you get the name Franco from then?

JF: I guess there's this guy who thinks he's my dad, and his name is Franco. I guess he's crazy or something, him and his wife, and all of their relatives.

TH: They must be really upset.

JF: Typical of the living. All of my other ghost in body friends have the same problems.

TH: There are others?

JF: Yeah, you know Gerard Butler?

TH: Yeah.

JF: He's actually a ghost inside of Colin Farrell's dead body.

TH: That doesn't make sense James, Colin Farrell isn't dead.

JF: Ok, maybe, I just heard that from my friend Colin Hanks, you know Colin Hanks?

TH: Sure.

JF: He's actually a ghost inside of Tom Hanks' body.

TH: Again, Tom Hanks is alive.

JF: Are you kidding me! Have you seen how much they look alike?

TH: Listen James, sometimes people just look alike, especially if they're related.

JF: C'mon, quit tearing me apart.

TH: James, I think you need to talk to someone, I can put you in touch with a guy, you could go over there right now.

JF: Yeah, great, let me just drive my sports car over there really fast, do you still feel good about sending me over there?

TH: Listen, why don't you just go lie down on the couch for a bit.

JF: Yeah sure, maybe I'll take a GIANT nap.

TH: Ok buddy.

JF: Giant is a James Dean movie, my body will give you an autograph about it if you like.

TH: Ok.

Jokes

Hi beautiful, oh hi other beautiful, so many beautifuls here today. Below these words lie some jokes I made in my famous brown cardigan, for a show which was a showcase with my Laugh Sabbath pals for the comedy network, which is a television channel, do people still know about those? I don't know how to make the video not get cut off, maybe click on the link instead?