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Death Of A Sailsman.

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Halloween Joke Book

Hi everyone.

For those of you who don't know, I've spent the last two months writing my very own Halloween joke book. This past Saturday, October the thirtieth, I sent it in to the publishing company, right on time for Halloween of course, and it was rejected.

They gave me the usual BS. They said it was way too short, not enough jokes, and that the jokes weren't "punchy enough" or some of them weren't "really jokes". "Too many footnotes for a joke book" they said. Well now it's my turn to talk.

All I wanted to do was share my own brand of Halloween humour, and I'm not about to let any book publishing corporate fat cat stop me. So, instead of shopping this around and getting the money I deserve, I present to you here, in it's entirety, my Halloween joke book.

Why do vampires always check their hair on Skype (or other video chat programs)?

Because they can't see themselves in the mirror.

Speaking of vampires, I heard they need to stay away from garlic. Do you know where they should not go?

Italian restaurants.

Why did the luddite not want to dress up like a spider for Halloween?

He didn't like being on the web.

Do you want to hear a witch joke?

Ok, which joke?

Why does Marilyn Manson hate Halloween?

He can never tell if he's met a true beauty, or if they're just faking looking gross and weird.

Why are pirate werewolves so cautious?

Because they be werewolves. ((be - were (ware)wolves.) (beware wolves))

Who was the kid mummy's favourite rapper?

His mummy.*

His mummy, or mother, dresses him in the morning by (w)rapping him thus making her a (w)rapper or wrapper.**

**Author (or "jokester") pleads poetic license on dropping of 'w'.

Who was Sigmund Freud's favourite Ghostbuster?

EGOn.

(Please ignore holes in timeline and prenounciation.)

Pictured above, the beautiful people? Uhhhh, yeah, right.

Art

Of an art period.

Oven art, period.

Hello, What?

Hi guys. Too formal? Ok, hey guys. I made this video with a lot of the funniest guys that live in the city that I live in. Is my writing style getting too chunky? I think this old blog is going to cut the sides off again, does anyone know how to fix that? So anyway, click the thing that lets you watch it on youtube.

If you liked this, Chris Locke and Derek Horn, who I made this video with, also made this gem.

Interview: James Franco

I was recently asked by actor and young man, James Franco, for an interview. Having been a fan of his tight facial skin for some time, I obliged.

James Franco: Tom Henry, an absolute pleasure.

Tom Henry: Nice to see you James, just call me Tom.

JF: Great, just call me James.

TH: I did.

JF: Just call me James Dean.

TH: No.

JF: Haha, yeah, just kidding, I'm really sick of that comparison actually.

TH: You brought it up.

JF: You know, sometimes you just want to be your own person, but people are so simple that they can only understand things by comparing them with things they're already familiar with.

TH: That's a wise take on it, I think.

JF: Can a guy not just be an actor named James who looks like James Dean and plays James Dean and acts like James Dean?

TH: Personally, I think you look kind of like Bill Pullman.

JF: Not James Dean?

TH: A bit I guess.

JF: That really offends me.

TH: Sorry, I thought you didn't like the...

JF: You're tearing me apart!

TH: Right. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?

JF: Sure. Would you believe me if I told you I was a ghost?

TH: Seriously? What, the ghost of James Dean?

JF: That's not what I was going to say, you think you're so smart.

TH: I apologize, go on.

JF: A ghost that hangs out at graveyards, y'know?

TH: Ok, sure.

JF: And, one day this ghost, y'know the ghost that I am, wanders upon this one certain dead guy's body, and goes inside of him and starts making him move around and talk and seem alive again.

TH: Ok, and the dead guy is James Dean.

JF: Do you believe it?

TH: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

JF, Why, you scared?

TH: I am a little scared of you.

JF: Don't be scared, I, the ghost that I am, am now completely in control of this body, like that movie, Being James Dean.

TH: Being James Dean?

JF: Yeah, you know, Being James Dean, that movie with John Malkovich.

TH: Ok, whatever. Where did you get the name Franco from then?

JF: I guess there's this guy who thinks he's my dad, and his name is Franco. I guess he's crazy or something, him and his wife, and all of their relatives.

TH: They must be really upset.

JF: Typical of the living. All of my other ghost in body friends have the same problems.

TH: There are others?

JF: Yeah, you know Gerard Butler?

TH: Yeah.

JF: He's actually a ghost inside of Colin Farrell's dead body.

TH: That doesn't make sense James, Colin Farrell isn't dead.

JF: Ok, maybe, I just heard that from my friend Colin Hanks, you know Colin Hanks?

TH: Sure.

JF: He's actually a ghost inside of Tom Hanks' body.

TH: Again, Tom Hanks is alive.

JF: Are you kidding me! Have you seen how much they look alike?

TH: Listen James, sometimes people just look alike, especially if they're related.

JF: C'mon, quit tearing me apart.

TH: James, I think you need to talk to someone, I can put you in touch with a guy, you could go over there right now.

JF: Yeah, great, let me just drive my sports car over there really fast, do you still feel good about sending me over there?

TH: Listen, why don't you just go lie down on the couch for a bit.

JF: Yeah sure, maybe I'll take a GIANT nap.

TH: Ok buddy.

JF: Giant is a James Dean movie, my body will give you an autograph about it if you like.

TH: Ok.

Jokes

Hi beautiful, oh hi other beautiful, so many beautifuls here today. Below these words lie some jokes I made in my famous brown cardigan, for a show which was a showcase with my Laugh Sabbath pals for the comedy network, which is a television channel, do people still know about those? I don't know how to make the video not get cut off, maybe click on the link instead?

Hi, I'm Back

Hi everyone, I'm back. Did you get a good enough look at that tooth growing out of a thumb? If I told you my creative battery needed recharging would you believe me? What if I were Jonny Depp and I told you that? Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, I'm back and I just want you to know it's not your fault I've been gone so long. No listen, it's not your fault.
Matt Damon: Yeah, I know man.

-Good Will Hunting

Woah, did Good Will Hunting just happen? Ok, so I bet you've been wondering obsessively what I've been doing with my time in the last two months, other than blind mayonaisse/miracle whip taste tests. Well, I've been writing a book with my very talented friend David Dineen-Porter, and I thought I'd share with you an excerpt. It deals with a fake disease that we're calling Crivits right now. Once it's published I look forward to all of the reviews undoubtedly remarking on our "absurdist wit". I also look forward to all of you remarking on our "absurdist wit".
Also here is David Dineen-Porter's amazing pilot tv show L'Brondelle's Universe, you will like it definitely.


Throwing a Crivit Friendly Party

Have you ever been to a party with very little music, and very little amount of snacks? Of course you haven't! Well, get used to it. The "party" setting, or "get-together" setting opens a figurative bag of things you wouldn't want to find in a bag (problems) for the Crivits sufferer.

-Shrimp.

A crivit man or lady is completely able and encouraged to eat shrimp. Hmm, good news right? Well, not so fast (no, not good news), in the excitement of a social rendezvous setting, the sight of shrimp is one that reacts badly with this one specific part of the brain*. In 98 percent of Crivits cases, a shrimp at a party will immediately be mistaken for a crescent moon. "Big Deal" you say, or some other types of you might say "Big Whoop." (the sassy type) and to you I ask this, have you ever seen sixty of the earth's moons displayed around a dish of red sauce? I didn't think so. Let me also ask you this, have you ever seen twenty-five grown men and ladies kneeling on the ground, screaming drool, heads cocked toward the sky for an answer as to why they just saw sixty of the earth's moons seemingly ready to be dipped into a reddish sauce? I have, and let's put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... to the washroom... to pee (they peed their pants). Let's also put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... (they died).

Fun Solutions: Blindfold Shrimp Games.

Even normal humans play the classic game of 'pin the tail on the donkey'. Here's a modern Crivits take on that old classic game.

1. Tell whichever Crivits guys you know to play that dumb game.

2. Tell them there's shrimp as a consolation prize for all of the people who don't win (lose).

3. Tell them they obviously all don't win because they have a disease that prohibits the use of their arms whilst sight functions are incompacitated.

4. Tell them to eat the shrimp off of the cold rubber-like table cloth with their cold rubber-like faces.

5. Have fun!



*The shrimp/moon effect has not yet been quantified by those who study the brain (brain studiers). It's proof is largely anecdotal, like that time I saw all that stuff, and is portrayed in a book that Walt Whitman thought about writing.**

**I heard that but don't quote me on it, but tell people it, but not as a quote by me, but say you heard it was definitely true. Tell them the person who told you is your uncle who is the dean of a university.***

***Let me know if your uncle has any employment for me in his university, teaching or even as an actor/photographer to spy on his students to find out which ones he should kick out, I have a new cannon x250.