Creep Crepe

Writing up on Thursday. Thanks for Coming  

-TH

A Few Quick Letters 2

Dear athletes, 

Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.

Dear toilet paper,

Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.

Dear mothers,

There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think. 

Dear mother,

Please disregard the above statement.

Dear philosophers,

What's the point? (Don't answer that)

Dear bookmarks,

You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.

Dear Kevin Spacey, 

Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.

Dear walk-in closet,

I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor. 

Dear eyes, 

If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?

Dear glass doors, 

There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.

Dear murderers, 

Things I like about you: 

You haven't murdered me yet.

Dear Daniel Day Lewis,

Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.

Dear dog, 

Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.

p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.

Dear own medicine, 

Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.

Very Short Plays

THE OFFICE PARTY

act 1. scene 1.

EMPLOYEE 1: 

Hey, during this tough economy, it was a great idea to hire this cheap Jack Nicholson impersonator as entertainment.

EMPLOYEE 2:

Thanks, yeah, Christian Slater is doing a great job.

THE MAN WHO ALWAYS GETS ONE LETTER WRONG THUS HIS LIFE RESEMBLES A REALLY BAD COMIC STRIP

act 1. scene 1.

MAN: 

Here's that pigeon wearing lingerie you ordered. 

OTHER MAN:

I said exotic bird!

TWO OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE GREET EACH OTHER

act 1. scene 1.

PERSON 1:

I miss your face!

PERSON 2: 

Where have you been my whole life?!

MIKE TYSON: POST IMPRESSIONIST

act 1. scene 1.

MIKE TYSON:

Here I lie, with all this artistic talent, a tortured artist. I shouldn't have eaten Van Gogh's ear.

FRIEND WHO IS ANNOYING AFTER MIDNIGHT

act 1. scene 1.

BEN:

Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow.

RICH:

Well, technically I'll see you today.

THE TABLE  &  THE COASTER

act 1. scene 1.

TABLE:

My sole purpose is to put things on. Everytime you impose yourself between me and a glass you tell me I can't do my job! (pause) The scars of condensation would be far less painful than what you're putting me through.

THE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ACTING

act 1. scene 1.

DAISY:

Do you remember daddy's wheat fields back in Nebraska? Remember how they smell on a humid August night? 

GREG:

Hang on, I'm trying to, using the technique of sense memory. Is it time for my soliloquy?

VERY FAT CANNIBAL

act.1 scene 1.

JON:

Hey, I ate that book club sandwich you told me about.

ROOMATE:

That was my book club!

A Very Special Interview

I recently was interviewed by the ghost of Heath Ledger. Here it is.

Tom Henry and I met on a Tuesday afternoon at his recording studio in Culver City, Los Angeles. He didn't want me at his house as I would scare his cats. He's been working for the past six weeks on a series of audio books for people with speech impediments. "I'm not a speech therapist, but I figured they could listen to me talk and then try to talk like me." explains Tom. 

It's this kind of straightforward thinking that's put the man in the place that he is. I hadn't had any real desire to return to the physical realm until I observed him elegantly waving a conductor's wand to control the pitch of his own voice as he spoke defined S sounds. Saviour of those with lisp, and many without, and a damn good reason for me to return for twenty minutes. 

Heath Ledger: Hey mate.

Tom Henry: Hey man, we miss you down here.

HL: I miss you too.

TH: I saw a beautiful tribute to your life the other day, had like clips from all your films in slow motion. 

HL: Have you seen any of my films?

TH: Yeah, I saw Moulin Rouge.

HL: I wasn't in that.

TH: Bewitched?

HL: No mate.

TH: You were married to Tom Cruise right?

HL: No mate, that's Nicole Kidman.

TH: Oh, sorry.

HL: I was in Brokeback Mountain.

TH: I thought that was Nicole Kidman, about a straight cowboy/cowgirl couple

HL: No mate. I got into a bit of drug trouble, have you ever? 

TH: I grew tired of people telling me blood was blue inside of you, so I inject red dye a few times a day.

HL: Not really a drug is it?

TH: Well, the peace of mind has a definite calming affect.

HL: Does it work?

TH: There's no way to tell. I imagine it's actually a shade of purple now, but when I bleed it's extra red. They want to start using my blood in candy canes in place of spider blood. 

HL: I didn't know they use spider blood. 

TH: That's what a vegan told me once. Maybe she just couldn't think of a better way to say no to a candy cane. 

HL: I need to ask you something, will you accept my Oscar for me? 

TH: I'm sorry, I have plans. 

HL: What are you doing? 

TH: I take yoga to meet women. 

HL: I see. 

TH: Not in a romantic way, I just like to know people who breathe very well, they just happen to be mostly women. It looks like you're a shoe-in for the award though.

HL: Good, I hate to lose. 

TH: Me too, there is one game that's really good to lose though.

HL: What is it? 

TH: Musical electric chairs. 

HL: Mate, that's true. Do you think about mortality much? 

TH: ...What?.. I'm sorry I'm a little out of sorts, today I went to take a sip of what I thought was orange juice and it turned out to be orange strawberry banana juice. 

HL: I understand. 

TH: Not quite sure how you get juice out of a banana.

HL: Do you have any questions for the spirit realm. 

TH: Yeah, ask Einstein if he's so smart why he's still not alive again.

HL: Thanks for your time Tom, do you think I'll see you anytime soon?

TH: The world needs me Heath. 

The Man Who Sold The World

Man: Hey, you wanna buy the world? 

Other man: How much does it cost?

Man: Not very much.

Other man: What's wrong with it?

Man: Nothing, it's fine, I just don't want it anymore. 

Other man: Is there much ugliness there? 

Man: No, not really. Sometimes people  spit out their gum and other people step in it. That's about it.

Other man: Any wars? 

Man: Not that I know of. Every now and then people argue about, you know, the normal stuff... like people chewing gum too loudly, that kind of thing.

Other man: So, no famine, misery, death?

Man: Look, I'm gonna level with you, we have a major gum problem.

Other man: Well that doesn't sound too serious.

Man: So you'll buy it? 

Other man: The world? Yes.

Man: That'll be forty dollars.

Kurt Cobain & David Bowie play Monopoly

Siblings

I have a twelve year old brother and a twenty-seven year old sister, I've been trying to write something that would appeal to them both, and I think I finally got it. Here it goes.

Don't you hate it when your video game overheats when you're about to use it in a performance art?

Men with beards are scary, but also sexy.

Paying rent and chocolate bars are alot the same; they both make your stomach hurt a little but provide you with great self satisfaction. Am I right?

Bad action films are awesome and also ironically awesome.

Dinner parties with friends is one of the best ways to spend your time, and by dinner parties I could mean eating boiled hot dogs and drinking milk.

Life is hard, it can crush your spirit, Adam Sandler is funny.

Steven Spielberg

Sombre Reptiles

I often go and admire my friend Danielle Nemet's photos over at Sombre Reptiles.  And so to show those poets they're not so special, I've put together a series of poems to go along with some of Danielle's photos. tomdhenry/Sombre Reptiles mash up!

I was looking at some birds
When I became afire
All I really wanted to do
Was stand and bird admire

The fire it turns out
Was not what I had thought
T'was a sweet guitar riff
But I'm still a little hot






I sing songs to girls all day
I wish they all could look at me this way
They usually just turn to me an say "I don't like music."
Which seems unlikely






The trees are mourning us
They think we're all dead
What they don't know is
We go up the chimney and overhead

If our families saw us like this
They might flip, see
They'd need a few extra hugs
From the hippy






If you wanted one of these two haircuts
You're outta luck - we're closed.
If you want the one in the middle though
Just put a sheet over your head






Sing me a song red man
And it better be good
Because I'm racist against the red
And I'm not referring to the slur about Native Americans
I really like them
I mean people who stand in red lights
I guess what I'm trying to say is
My girlfriend dumped me in a darkroom






It's so late
My lamp wont stay up straight

My pillow is too vertical against the wall
I had to put my magazine down
Just to get a way from it all
And on top of that all
It takes so long
Just to make a phone call.






I remember the days
When we always saw in double
We were too in love
That was the trouble
It looks like we had cool hair
And wore overalls
But I can't really tell
Because I can't remember that particular day






My songs are so wussy
So high and so light
They say it's my own fault
For sitting too far right