The Farm

Oh, hi guys, I made this short film (video) about a sad guy. Hopefully, once you see how handsome I am, you will still be able to take my writing intelligence seriously. The video also features the great Katie Crown. Have a watch mon (Jamaican).

Guy's Night Out

Did you think I turned into a Gary Larson and then died? You were wrong, but almost right.

I've just returned from Hollywood, in Los Angeles, I was there for the Academy's Awards. After the ceremonies I went out on the town with a couple of my pals, the evening's hosts, Steve Martin and the only remaining Baldwin, Alec. They kept saying it was a "guy's night out" and that even though they both had high powered agents, tonight they were "free agents" looking to sign on to "any indie project they could find." They said they were looking for the "Diablo Cody of women." They said they would "Write HER screenplay, and they weren't talking about Juno if you knew what they meant." I didn't know what they meant. They also alluded to "chasing tail" every five or six minutes. I didn't know what that meant either. After a while it became evident, here are some of the things I heard them say on guy's night out.

"My hair's been white since I was twenty, so I could be twenty."

"Have you seen Shopgirl? My character dates a younger woman, about your age, and my character is about my age. I based it on a true story, a true story from the future. It's based on you, you and me."

"You're much prettier than Claire Danes. You are Claire Danes? Oh, nevermind."

"Facelift? I'm just a comedian, why would I get a facelift? To get a part in Cheaper By The Dozen? Yeah right. Yeah you're right.

"You like 30 Rock? I'll buy you thirty rocks, thirty diamonds... No, that was for the sake of poetry, but I'll buy you one or two."

"Here's a picture of my daughter... Oh that picture next to her? That's what I used to look like."

"Remember when I was great? Ok, keep remembering it. Keep rememebering it. Keep Remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it..."

"Did you see us host the Oscars? Wasn't it funny when we made fun of each other? We actually really like each other. Do you like us each other?"

"Have you seen The Shadow?"

"If you say I'm washed up one more time... I'll keep sitting here cause you're pretty and I think you're really beautiful."

"You're not impressed by money? I'll impress you with my acting then. What should I act like?"

"Yes we were in It's Complicated. You know what's not complicated? Your eyes. They are simple, simply beautiful. Hang on I'll make a call. Nancy, can you make a movie called It's Simple, Simply beautiful? Starring.. what's your name sweetheart?"

Draw Joke

No strings attacked.

Pinocchio's Epiphany

Alternate title: The time Pinocchio said something bad about Sandra Bullock.

Note: Meant to be wood chips at the back, not blood, unless you're into that kind of thing.

Love you,

tdh

A Visual Cue

A visual cue

A visual Q

A non-visual Q (braille)

A pew (visually)

Despair, Angst, Absurdity, Alienation and Boredom

A philosophical conversation with Tom Henry, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.

SJP/HG: What is truth?

TH: One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing. -Socrates

Also, if you're laying on the ground, looking for clouds that look like things, and they all look like pieces of chewed gum, you may be facing the wrong way.

SJP/HG: What is god?

TH: I watched a Mel Gibson movie about this.

SJP/HG: We meant god in a broader sense, not Christ so much.

TH: What Women Want was about Christ?

SJP/HG: What is existence?

TH: Generally, when you exist, it involves haircuts.

SJP/ HG: How should one find meaning in life?

TH: Live everyday like tomorrow could be your last, or like they could change the calendar to make days a length that you couldn't possibly live longer than one more day.

SJP/HG: Even if you lived to be a hundred?

TH: Yes, one day would be at least a thousand present calendar years in this scenario. Every birthday card would say happy zero birthday, and when lovers called each other 'baby' it would make more sense.

SJP/HG: I see.

TH: I'm actually advocating this system, it's completely absurd that one or two guys got to decide which calendar we use.

SJP/HG: Who are you referring to?

TH: Greg or Ian.

SJP/HG: What is the universe?

TH: Some would say we're floating on a marble that's being played with in a giant game of marbles, it's that arbitrary really.

SJP/HG: Hmm.

TH: Incidentally, I heard it was a sign of luxury to have a marble staircase so I put a bunch of marbles on my stairs, but the only thing that happened was that thing from Home Alone.

SJP/HG: Being What?

TH: Someone slipped.

SJP/HG: ...

TH: My great aunt, she perished.

SJP/HG: Oh my.

TH: It's ok, she had a very long life, she got to see all seven wonders of the world.

SJP/HG: That's an amazing and rare accomplishment.

TH: Yeah, I know, most of us saw the first six, but she had a friend who worked on the seventh one, so she got to see Voldemort die and all that.

SJP/HG:...

TH: It more or less evened out for her anyway, because I payed for her to have a marble tombstone.

SJP/HG: That's a grand gesture.

TH: When you pay some kids to put marbles on a tombstone, does that count as paying for a marble tombstone?

SJP/HG: No.

TH: Well that's what I did, if you didn't understand the inference.

SJP/HG: What is death?

TH: The ringing in our ears, habitually tuned out, but ever present. It shows no prejudice, arriving in the heat or the cold, night or the day. It cares not for feelings of safety and security, it knows no sympathy... It's not as bad as it sounds though.

SJP/HG: How do you know?

TH: I've experienced it.

SJP/HG: You've experienced death?

TH: I thought you asked me about the film, You've Got Mail?

SJP/HG: Is there karma?

TH: Yes, you will be reincarnated as either a great eagle or a pathetic bug, so try not to be odious.

SJP/HG: Tha...

TH: Wait, I mean try not to be Odie. Try not to come back as Odie, Garfield can be very cruel.

SJP/HG: Thankyou. Namaste.

TH: Namaste.

2010

Uggh. I'ts 2010, the year to put all the apostrophe's in the wrong spot's.

That was George Orwell's real distopic vision, that guy loved grammar.

So, it seems I've unintentionally taken a month off. My brain feels small and shrivelled, and pouring alot of water in my ear isn't helping. Here are the most funny things I've thought of in the last month -

George W. Bush - That guy was not good.

Dr. Phil - Not even a real doctor.

MC Hammer - It's Hammer time I guess.

If you know any ways to cure brain fog, lemme know. Maybe I need to take up coffee, even though I don't like hot drinks.

Woah, this is getting way too personal. I'll write something tres (very) soon. Something that will make all the Hollywood agents knock at my door and tell me everything's gonna be alright. The decade in review? I dunno, what happened this decade, the ipod?" I guess it's better than the decade where they invented the tripod.

Also, I'm saying jokes at Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot! tomorrow, my favourite show as a fan of live comedy.

Don't leave me because of the month off, I'm too nice of a guy.

tdh.