Draw Joke

No strings attacked.

Pinocchio's Epiphany

Alternate title: The time Pinocchio said something bad about Sandra Bullock.

Note: Meant to be wood chips at the back, not blood, unless you're into that kind of thing.

Love you,

tdh

A Visual Cue

A visual cue

A visual Q

A non-visual Q (braille)

A pew (visually)

Despair, Angst, Absurdity, Alienation and Boredom

A philosophical conversation with Tom Henry, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.

SJP/HG: What is truth?

TH: One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing. -Socrates

Also, if you're laying on the ground, looking for clouds that look like things, and they all look like pieces of chewed gum, you may be facing the wrong way.

SJP/HG: What is god?

TH: I watched a Mel Gibson movie about this.

SJP/HG: We meant god in a broader sense, not Christ so much.

TH: What Women Want was about Christ?

SJP/HG: What is existence?

TH: Generally, when you exist, it involves haircuts.

SJP/ HG: How should one find meaning in life?

TH: Live everyday like tomorrow could be your last, or like they could change the calendar to make days a length that you couldn't possibly live longer than one more day.

SJP/HG: Even if you lived to be a hundred?

TH: Yes, one day would be at least a thousand present calendar years in this scenario. Every birthday card would say happy zero birthday, and when lovers called each other 'baby' it would make more sense.

SJP/HG: I see.

TH: I'm actually advocating this system, it's completely absurd that one or two guys got to decide which calendar we use.

SJP/HG: Who are you referring to?

TH: Greg or Ian.

SJP/HG: What is the universe?

TH: Some would say we're floating on a marble that's being played with in a giant game of marbles, it's that arbitrary really.

SJP/HG: Hmm.

TH: Incidentally, I heard it was a sign of luxury to have a marble staircase so I put a bunch of marbles on my stairs, but the only thing that happened was that thing from Home Alone.

SJP/HG: Being What?

TH: Someone slipped.

SJP/HG: ...

TH: My great aunt, she perished.

SJP/HG: Oh my.

TH: It's ok, she had a very long life, she got to see all seven wonders of the world.

SJP/HG: That's an amazing and rare accomplishment.

TH: Yeah, I know, most of us saw the first six, but she had a friend who worked on the seventh one, so she got to see Voldemort die and all that.

SJP/HG:...

TH: It more or less evened out for her anyway, because I payed for her to have a marble tombstone.

SJP/HG: That's a grand gesture.

TH: When you pay some kids to put marbles on a tombstone, does that count as paying for a marble tombstone?

SJP/HG: No.

TH: Well that's what I did, if you didn't understand the inference.

SJP/HG: What is death?

TH: The ringing in our ears, habitually tuned out, but ever present. It shows no prejudice, arriving in the heat or the cold, night or the day. It cares not for feelings of safety and security, it knows no sympathy... It's not as bad as it sounds though.

SJP/HG: How do you know?

TH: I've experienced it.

SJP/HG: You've experienced death?

TH: I thought you asked me about the film, You've Got Mail?

SJP/HG: Is there karma?

TH: Yes, you will be reincarnated as either a great eagle or a pathetic bug, so try not to be odious.

SJP/HG: Tha...

TH: Wait, I mean try not to be Odie. Try not to come back as Odie, Garfield can be very cruel.

SJP/HG: Thankyou. Namaste.

TH: Namaste.

2010

Uggh. I'ts 2010, the year to put all the apostrophe's in the wrong spot's.

That was George Orwell's real distopic vision, that guy loved grammar.

So, it seems I've unintentionally taken a month off. My brain feels small and shrivelled, and pouring alot of water in my ear isn't helping. Here are the most funny things I've thought of in the last month -

George W. Bush - That guy was not good.

Dr. Phil - Not even a real doctor.

MC Hammer - It's Hammer time I guess.

If you know any ways to cure brain fog, lemme know. Maybe I need to take up coffee, even though I don't like hot drinks.

Woah, this is getting way too personal. I'll write something tres (very) soon. Something that will make all the Hollywood agents knock at my door and tell me everything's gonna be alright. The decade in review? I dunno, what happened this decade, the ipod?" I guess it's better than the decade where they invented the tripod.

Also, I'm saying jokes at Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot! tomorrow, my favourite show as a fan of live comedy.

Don't leave me because of the month off, I'm too nice of a guy.

tdh.

Apartment 28

I got this message on myspace today -

"Hey, it's Jeff Torin! I just started a new band with Jay Iorio called "Apartment 28". Check us out and let me know what you think."

I wrote Jeff Torin back as was his want.

editorial note: I know sarcasm's pretty easy stuff, but sometimes it's just there, please forgive me.

Dear Jeff Torin,

It's Tom Henry!

When I checked my myspace today for no reason at all I was pleased to receive your message. It's not every day I get an ambitious young upstart asking me to check out their band. Oh wait, it is, it is every day. Regardless, I think 'Apartment 28' shows great promise.

First off, really fun name. Is that like the number of an apartment of someone in your band, or was that just some total off the top of your head kinda thing? Actually what would be really cool would be if it were a reference from some sort of movie or tv show that you're a fan of. Any of those origins would be pretty cool, and great interview fodder for dare I say, MTV? The name conjurs up some great images, like a living space of some sort that is probably on the second floor of a building.

What is especially unique and exciting about this project is that you've teamed up with Jay Iorio, a man who I don't personally know, but aslo don't know at all. That said, I have a preeeetty good feeling about him, I knew a guy named Jay once and he was certainly approaching almost being worth conversing with.

I haven't had a chance to 'check out' your music yet, but I look forward to it. Are there guitars in it? Golly, I hope so. I have the utmost confidence that despite the valliant yet utterly dissapointing efforts made by all of the bands who have ever randomly solicited me to listen to their music, Apartment 28 will make it all worth while.

It's really too bad that I have no connections at any of those big record labels, I would be sure to put you in contact with them. Sometimes it just makes me really mad that my uncle isn't a big deal, so I could help good intentioned folks like yourself out. You should keep trying though, and probably you will be discovered by a very rich and powerful man, in fact I'm almost certain of it! Please, promise not to forget about me when your song is played for a second in a season of Grey's Anatomy that ratings are down for, but still not bad.

Brimming with anticipation,

Tom Henry

Oh, hi.

Hi guys,

I'm telling jokish type things at The Ossington tonight (Wenesday). If I don't know you personally you should come out to it, or if you're an acquaintance that I don't care very much about.

If you asked for a letter, it's coming. I'm really slow, I apologize. It'll be a great letter though, keep waiting by your door. If you want one and you haven't asked, I can add you to my list of things I'm neglecting, right between adulthood and getting a Kierkegaard book to pretend to read on the subway.

Writing up soon soon. Here's a picture I drew of D.B. Cooper, look him up maybe.

tom d