Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Letter To Ebert

Dear Mr. Ebert,

As Oscar season approaches, I realize the workload of a professional film critic can be daunting. This is why I'm prepared to offer you my services, I being an aspiring/professional film critic (references available upon formal request*)
Should you choose to compensate me, that would be fine, my going rates usually have something to do with fifty dollars. Otherwise, I'll be happy with the exposure, so long as I get a byline on all reviews.
In the unlikely event you choose not to use any of my writing, well, I would hate to think of you having new competition in the movie watching and reviewing circuit.
Here is a sample of what you could enjoy a fresh piece of:

-Black Swan-

"Natalie Portman? More like Natalie Portal(wo)man, because it's as if she has a magical acting portal, and she's a woman."

"The film features spectacular turns by Mila, Me-la-ikey, Kunis, and Win-osca-owna (she should win and own an Oscar) Ryder.

"Black Swan is in the black! (if it were finance related).

-True Grit-

"True Grit - True, great!"

"Don'T RUE not seeing (true) GRIT!"

"Jeff Bridges is definitely the best famous Jeff and the best famous Bridges! (Beats Goldblum, Daniels, Golden Gate, Brooklyn, Jeff Bridges' brother)."

"London bridge might be falling down, but Jeff Bridges is not falling down!"

-The King's Speech-

"I don't feel bad for that guy who had a speech impedement, because ultimately he got Colin Firth to play him so good!"

"You won't be able to stop speeching about The King's Speech!"

-Toy Story 3-

"Tim (Allen) and Tom (Hanks) have done it again! It's clear that 'T' and 'M' stand for 'Talented' and 'Man' no matter what lousy vowel gets between them, because these guys are talented, man! or talented men, "M" could stand for "men" as well."

"Toy Story 3 was almost worth being reminded that Tim Allen still makes more money than us, and gets to hang out with Tom Hanks."

-The Social Network-

"I will never put my face in a book again, as long as this movie exists, and other movies I like exist."

"Jesse Eisenberg plays cold so perfectly it makes me think, "Yes, he ice n' berg"."

"It's not complicated, The Social Network's friend request has been approved! It's status is, "I'm great." and you've been tagged - in a picture of you watching this movie and loving it! Also, share a link, messages, event invite!

-The Fighter-


"Powerhouse peformances from the actors!"

"I didn't see this film!"

Thankyou for your time, Ebert, I look forward to working with you.
As us movie critics like to say, we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at movie stars, on a movie screen and taking notes.


tom (d) henry

*Official formal request procedure will need to be ascertained before formal request can be submitted.

Are you talking to me?


Vargas said...

True Grit - True Great! That's also my review of this post (minus the True Grit part). And funny.

Anonymous said...

Take him up on it, Ebert. He's obviously gifted. Two thumbs up!

Jennifer said...

2011 is of to an impeccable start, first 2 posts funny, smart and well written... thanks Tom Henry.

Jennifer said...

A letter to Tom Henry
Looking forward to your next installment.