Tom Henry

Haikus

2012-01-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

He swims, I hang on

my saviour in this great flood

pony-tailed man

Do they open more?

I want to gaze into them

Renee Zellweger

White people with dreads,

finding whole circles of friends

who somehow like them

Only have one left

my old one's under the desk

how bad you want gum?

A rainbow is red

a rainbow is orange, green

and other colours

Four months, can't sleep, eat.

Each day melts into the next

come back Entourage

Jose? Is that you?

No, I'm Jose, not Jose.

The j sounds like h

Heath Ledger, Dark Knight!

Thank you for this award, but-

it's useless to me

Pitt/Clooney

2011-09-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

This past week was the Toronto International Film Festival. As my hometown was abuzz with the bright stars of modern Hollywood, I was shocked to see movie actor, Brad Pitt, coming out of my local internet cafe. It seems that Brad had been using my usual computer station, and like the star he is, had even left me seventeen minutes. It seems he also had forgotten to log out of his gmail. The following is a disturbing reminder that celebrities aren't always the superior beings we all hope for.

Tue, Sep 6, 2011, 10:46 AM

Hey Brad,

George Clooney here. Heard we'd both be in Toronto this weekend. Was wondering if you wanted to meet up and see which one of us is more famous.

I'm thinking we'll go eat dinner on a patio somewhere, and see which of our names gets screamed more.

What do you think pal?

Love,

George

ps. Remember when we were in Oceans 11? That was fun.

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:50 AM

George,

Great to hear from you. I loved your latest movie. To be honest, I'm on a bit of a not caring about fame that much kick these days, so I'm not so sure about the patio idea. What we could do is eat inside the restaurant and see how many people are trying to see us from the outside. We'll have to monitor the direction of their gaze to see who they're more interested in seeing. I do remember Oceans, that party you threw on a boat once was great.

Sincerely,

Brad

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 8:57 AM

Brad,

There's a fundamental flaw with your plan which is this, some people have problems with their eyes.

I can tell you this because I actually tried this with Jude Law once. He goes. "Look at that woman ogling me out there" And I look and sure enough, she is, and I'm going, this doesn't make any G.D. sense, Jude Law is A list, and I'm A++ list. So I go out and ask her, "Were you just ogling Jude Law?" And she goes, "No, of course I was ogling you, I have a lazy eye."

And to think I actually could have lost that one to effing Jude Law!

I do throw the BEST boat parties.

George

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 7:02 PM

Hey George,

I am so sick of Jude Law trying to be one of us. I understand the eye thing, so how's this? We hire an eye doctor to just do a general assesment of everyone in the crowd's eye health. If someone's eyes are not up to snuff then we get the eye doctor to ask them who they like better, me or you.

I hope we can work this out, it would be great to see you.

Brad.

p.s. What does G.D. mean?

Wed, Sep 7, 2011, 9:41 PM

Brad,

If we're gonna spend our money on hiring the eye doctor anyway, why don't we just get him to ask everybody who they're there to see? At the same time he can also do vision assesments, because, not to be harsh, but if you're blind you shouldn't really get a vote anyway, because you don't even know what we look like, and we're not goddamn voice actors.

So, I'll look up a Toronto eye doctor and we'll sort it all out.

G.D. is goddamn, which I guess is actually just one word? But I heard someone say G.D. and I thought it sounded cool. Sorry for the confusion, I wrote it out this time, up there, before I said voice actors.

love,

G.C. (haha!)

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 8:45 AM

George,

You raise an interesting point. What we are all about is not just our voice but also our looks and the way we move around and everything, but also our voices. So, we should also get someone to disqualify deaf people, because they also don't have the whole picture. So, you find an eye doctor and I'm gonna find an ear doctor.

Thu, Sep 8. 11:09 AM

Brad,

I can see what you're doing. You thought I was gonna get an eye doctor who was going to cheat for me, and so you want to find an ear doctor that'll cheat for you. Come on man, you know me better than that, after all the things I've done for you. Remember when I got those two Italian girls to kiss you on each cheek, so you could have that awesome picture taken on my boat?

You obviously don't even need an ear doctor to tell if someone's deaf. You just need someone to say hello to people from behind.

Thu, Sep 8, 12:02 PM

George,

Obviously, there's going to be too much commotion for someone to just be saying hello from behind. You think I didn't think of that? That's why we need an ear doctor. I never suspected you of getting a corrupt eye doctor, but now I'm thinking twice. Honestly, think I might just stay in with my wife that night, maybe you've heard of her, Angelina Jolie. Maybe she could have a fame off with one of your gameshow contestant girlfriends.

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 12:54 PM

Brad,

Ooooh, ouch. Forgot you married the lady from that crap movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. What other crap actor was in that movie? Oh yeah, you. Guess which crap actors aren't invited to my boat anymore? You and Angelina Jolie.

Shut up,

George.

Thu, Sep 8, 2:29 PM

George,

Hmm, okay, get insulted by some doctor from ER today - check. You know what they should have called Up In The Air? Up Is Grey Hair.

When I say up, I mean, up on your head. I thought of that a while ago, and didn't tell you.

Get screwed,

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 3:11 PM

Brad,

Wow, who do you think you're talking to here, Ryan Reynolds? I have already threatened no more boat parties, and I mean it. I only did one insult, and you did three, you need to chill out.

George

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 6:00 PM

George,

Actually you insulted me and my wife, so that's two, except you also insulted our movie, so that's three. Also, it was the movie we fell in love on, so that's an extra dis. That means we're not even yet. So I will say this, the reason Renee Zellwegger squints so much is because she was in a movie with you and you're too ugly to look at without squinting.

Brad

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 9:46 PM

Brad,

That's honestly the dumbest dis. Because 1. Renee Zelwegger squinted way before our movie, Leatherheads, and 2. Everyone knows I'm not ugly. That doesn't even offend me, because obviously I'm not ugly.

Thu, Sep 8, 2011, 11:47 PM

George,

If she always squinted so much, maybe you should have called your precious little eye doctor.

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 11:42 AM

Okay, that one's actually pretty funny, man.

George Clooney

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 2:20 PM

George,

Thanks. So listen, you get the ear doctor and I'll get the eye doctor, and I'll see you at Sassafraz at eight.

Fri, Sep 9, 2011, 3:01 PM

Brad,

Okay. Are you sure I shouldn't pick the eye doctor? Haha. Just kidding. Seeya then.

Interview: Russell Crowe

2011-09-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

At some point in every journalist's life, comes the nightmare interview. The following was mine.

******

It was 10:35 a.m. on a shiny Tuesday morning as I got off the plane, destination - the Land Down Under, which is a restaurant in Los Angeles, set trendily beneath a hobo bridge. I was there to meet local bad boy and film actor Russell Crowe. When I arrived at TLDU as it's known by first-letter-loving L.A. types, I spotted the enigmatic Aussie. Known as one of the most prickly celebrity actors of his generation, it was once said that he was as prickly as one of the cacti that I think grow in the place where he's from, Australia. That was said by me, to the guy sitting next to me on the plane, while I was thinking of things to write about this. As he smiled and waved, I knew I was in for what was to be the most difficult interview of my career.

Tom Henry: Hi, Mr. Crowe, I'm Tom Henry.

Russell Crowe: Hi mate. How was your flight?

TH: What flight?

RC: Oh, I'm sorry, did you not take a flight out here?

TH: Oh, the flight here? Yeah, it was okay.

RC: Should we get this thing started?

TH: Okay man, jeez, relax.

RC: Or we could eat first if you like.

TH: No, no. Go ahead, what do you want to talk about?

RC: Do you have questions, or...?

TH: Oh right, forgot who I was dealing with here. Sure... what's your favourite colour?

RC: I'd probably say blue.

TH: Wonderful! That's front page material for sure buddy.

RC: Would green work better?

TH: Can we just move on to the next question, please?

RC: Sure thing.

TH: How would you respond to some of your critics who say, your existence really doesn't matter much?

RC: Which critics said that?

TH: I read it.

RC: In what?

TH: My diary.

RC: Well, I suppose that's fair. I mean, I'm an actor. I try to entertain people, but ultimately, a doctor is a much more important person than I am.

TH: You mean a snail doctor?

RC: What's a snail doctor?

TH: An example of someone much more important than you.

RC: Is it a real thing?

TH: I hope so, someone has to fix that snail guy who delivers letters so slowly.

RC: What?

TH: The snail male.

RC: ...

TH: You make music too, right?

RC: Oh yeah mate, I'd love to talk about that a bit.

TH: How many encores have you not been asked to do?

RC: Hmm, I'm not sure how I would quantify that.

TH: Just take the total amount of shows you've ever played, then subtract zero.

RC: It's great just to get up there and make something with your mates. It's very therapeutic for me.

TH: I've actually heard your music reffered to as therapeutic before.

RC: That's great, if it helps people, that's all I could ever ask for.

TH: Electroshock therapeutic.

RC: Oh.

TH: I rented a few of your movies the other night, in preparation.

RC: Great.

TH: I have my own name for A Beautiful Mind, would you like to hear it?

RC: Sure.

TH: A Beautiful Kind - of DVD player, would be one that wasn't able to play this movie.

RC: I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it.

TH: I also watched Cinderella Man.

RC: I'm proud of that film.

TH: I was kind of tired because I didn't start watching it until about 11:45 pm.

RC: That's a bit late, mate.

TH: I was hoping by midnight, you'd turn into a pumpkin, and I could just enjoy Renee Zellweger and Paul Giamatti.

RC: Well, they're great actors.

TH: Are you upset that The Wrestler took the same basic premise as The Gladiator?

RC: It's just called Gladiator, I don't think those two movies are very similar.

TH: Are you upset that Mickey Rourke is a bit better looking than you?

RC: I don't really think about that kind of thing.

TH: Are you upset that Mickey Rourke is also a bit better looking than an old rotten log?

RC: I dunno mate.

TH: An old rotten log with ants crawling on it?

RC: Have I done something to agitate you?

TH: Why? What are you gonna do, call Wrigley Scott?

RC: Ridley.

TH: Excuse me?

RC: His name is Ridley

TH: You just want to disagree with everything I say. I was warned about you. I don't need this. This interview's over.

RC: I'm sorry it didn't work out mate. Would you like my last shrimp?

TH: Sure, let me go throw it on the barbo.

RC: Did you mean to say barbie?

TH: Yeah, I'm gonna put the shrimp on a doll, like a little shrimp doll belt. You can't treat people like this, man. TTYN.

Hollywood Insider Secrets

2011-05-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I've been reading this book called Hollywood Insider Secrets, and I thought I'd share with you what I thought are some of the most interesting tidbits.

Brad Pitt didn't get famous from acting talent or good looks. A producer actually spotted him riding his bike with no hands. It turns out, it actually was as impressive as he thought it was.

Similarily, Tobey Maguire was not recruited for acting talent or looks, he was spotted on the subway, drumming on his lap along to his iPod.

Many have heard about a yet to be discovered Quentin Tarantino famously throwing his first script over Harvey Keitel's fence. What most people don't know is what that actual script looked like:

Jerry Seinfeld never would have appeared on the Tonight Show if he hadn't checked his spam email.

Significant and irrevocable damage will be done to the space time continuum if Daniel Day Lewis ever takes a part as an Irish method actor.

Actor Breckin Meyer (of Garfield fame) has been given all of his roles by accident, and then no one wanted to tell him.

George Lucas' original title for Star Wars was, "In This Space Place A Lot Of Things Happen."

Ron Howard thinks that Tom Hanks is his best friend, but he's not Tom Hanks' best friend, and Tom Hanks thinks that Ron Howard is his best friend but he's not Ron Howard's best friend. They are best friends.

The original plan of the Bilderberg Group was for Maury Povich to be more powerful than Oprah Winfrey. Alas, on the day of his first show he got a lot of burrs stuck on him and was forced to pull out. Those who possess the truth still heed the word of Povich.

In a startling number of films that feature Elijah Wood, Mr. Wood is being stood in for by a squirrel standing on top of another squirrel.

Tim Burton pitches every movie the same way, like this: "You're gonna have to bear with me here guys, this one's a little kookie. But I think you're gonna like it, we're giving Johnny Depp a really interesting haircut."

"You can't pass."

Masterpiece (Sarcastic)

2011-04-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

This is my newest movie (film).

Love,

tom d.

Interview: Sofia Coppola

2011-04-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

This winter I had the oppourtunity to sit down with one of the best filmmakers, Sofia Coppola. Her new movie, Somewhere is in theaters now. It stars Dakota Fanning's sister and Andrew Dorff's brother.

Tom Henry: Hi Sofia, it's a pleasure.

Sofia Coppola: What? Sorry, what's going on?

TH: I'm here to interview you.

SC: Oh right, ok, everyone's always pulling me in so many directions.

TH: That must be hard.

SC: It is, that's why I do what I do for people.

TH: What's that?

SC: You know, I make films about the hardships of being an average American trying to get through this life.

TH: Oh, I thought you made movies about sort of priveledged people?

SC: What are you kidding me? My films are about everyone. Everybody has to wake up in the morning, wash their face, and then go to this junket and that junket, answer this question, answer that question, oh my daughter loves you, oh, you inspire me.

TH: That doesn't happen to everyone.

SC: I guess if you want to argue semantics, there are tribes somewhere in Samoa where they don't have to sign as many autographs.

TH: I feel like you're a bit out of touch from the way things really are. Perhaps you grew up in a bit of a bubble?

SC: A bubble? You have to be joking. I get out there all the time, meet people from all walks of life.

TH: I apologize, I may have leapt to judgement.

SC: You did, like just the other day I met this guy Brad, just like you or me, being followed around by paparazzi and having to smile at people who like him and all that.

TH: Brad Pitt?

SC: Oh, you know him?

TH: He's a movie star.

SC: Of course he is, everyone's a movie star.

TH: No.

SC: Oh, you're silly, of course everyone is born, they hang out for a while, then be in Godfather 3 and then they make movies or become a Sean Penn or something.

TH: If everyone's famous then who are all those people you said you have to sign autographs and answer questions for?

SC: I think it's kind of like The Matrix?

TH:...

SC: ...or Inception? Like a dream where angry parts of your subconcious are playing unfamouses.

TH: I don't understand, who fixes your toilet if it breaks then?

SC: That guy who played Joey on Friends.

TH: Ok, bad example but how do you think a society can run if everyone is a rich actor?

SC: Easy, everyone makes movies all day, then in the night they feel isolated in a famous way, so they all go to each other's movies to escape. Or, for another example, they have to go on a trip, and so John Travolta flies them there, so John Travolta gets money that day. Then John Travolta pays that money back to get into a movie. It's simple economics, man.

TH: Who farms our food?

SC: Kevin Costner I guess, baseball and food.

TH: He farms baseball?

SC: Baseball doesn't just grow itself. You must be really spoiled.

TH: Let's talk about something else.

SC: Ok, what?

TH: Are you friends with The Strokes?

SC: Everyone's friends with The Strokes.

TH: That's not possible.

SC: My next movie actually is about being friends with The Strokes. It's called Friends With The Strokes, and it's scored by me telling The Strokes to play their songs different.

TH: What happens in the movie?

SC: It's about either a normal guy or girl, who leans on the windows of vehicles a lot and then has fun but is sad.

TH: Doesn't sound really fleshed out.

SC: Oh really, then why would one of the biggest filmmakers of all time be on board to produce it?

TH: Is it Francis Ford Coppola?

SC: Is what Francis Ford Coppola?

TH: Nevermind.

SC: Anyway, it's the first installment of my trilogy that I'm calling The Blue Collar Average Joe Trilogy, it consists of; Friends With The Strokes, Harrison Ford Was A Fun Babysitter, Right Everyone? and We All Can Relate To Eighteenth Century French Royalty.

TH: I have to go.

SC: Go be in a movie?

TH: No.

SC: Go talk on the phone to someone who doesn't understand that you're lonely?

TH: No.

SC: You're a weird guy.

A Letter To Ebert

2011-01-12T11:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Ebert,

As Oscar season approaches, I realize the workload of a professional film critic can be daunting. This is why I'm prepared to offer you my services, I being an aspiring/professional film critic (references available upon formal request*)

Should you choose to compensate me, that would be fine, my going rates usually have something to do with fifty dollars. Otherwise, I'll be happy with the exposure, so long as I get a byline on all reviews.

In the unlikely event you choose not to use any of my writing, well, I would hate to think of you having new competition in the movie watching and reviewing circuit.

Here is a sample of what you could enjoy a fresh piece of:

-Black Swan-

"Natalie Portman? More like Natalie Portal(wo)man, because it's as if she has a magical acting portal, and she's a woman."

"The film features spectacular turns by Mila, Me-la-ikey, Kunis, and Win-osca-owna (she should win and own an Oscar) Ryder.

"Black Swan is in the black! (if it were finance related).

-True Grit-

"True Grit - True, great!"

"Don'T RUE not seeing (true) GRIT!"

"Jeff Bridges is definitely the best famous Jeff and the best famous Bridges! (Beats Goldblum, Daniels, Golden Gate, Brooklyn, Jeff Bridges' brother)."

"London bridge might be falling down, but Jeff Bridges is not falling down!"

-The King's Speech-

"I don't feel bad for that guy who had a speech impedement, because ultimately he got Colin Firth to play him so good!"

"You won't be able to stop speeching about The King's Speech!"

-Toy Story 3-

"Tim (Allen) and Tom (Hanks) have done it again! It's clear that 'T' and 'M' stand for 'Talented' and 'Man' no matter what lousy vowel gets between them, because these guys are talented, man! or talented men, "M" could stand for "men" as well."

"Toy Story 3 was almost worth being reminded that Tim Allen still makes more money than us, and gets to hang out with Tom Hanks."

-The Social Network-

"I will never put my face in a book again, as long as this movie exists, and other movies I like exist."

"Jesse Eisenberg plays cold so perfectly it makes me think, "Yes, he ice n' berg"."

"It's not complicated, The Social Network's friend request has been approved! It's status is, "I'm great." and you've been tagged - in a picture of you watching this movie and loving it! Also, share a link, messages, event invite!

-The Fighter-

"Sensational!"

"Powerhouse peformances from the actors!"

"I didn't see this film!"

Thankyou for your time, Ebert, I look forward to working with you.

As us movie critics like to say, we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at movie stars, on a movie screen and taking notes.

Best,

tom (d) henry

*Official formal request procedure will need to be ascertained before formal request can be submitted.

Are you talking to me?

On Being Cool, Interview: Clint Eastwood

2011-01-03T20:48:00.001-08:00

Clint Eastwood came to see me recently, and conduct(ed?) this interview for some magazine, I guess.

In the midst of shooting my latest movie which is about Matt Damon being a psychic, I was offered a rare opportunity to visit with Tom Henry in his Culver City offices. Of course, I did not pass it up. I told Matt Damon to go learn more about acting like a psychic in order to halt production for the day, then headed over to meet the man.

Clint Eastwood: Mr. Henry, I've been waiting to meet you for some time.

Tom Henry: Thankyou. I've heard of you too. "Go on and make my day, pal." right?

CE: Yeah.

TH: Before you came in, my assistant told me you're a legend.

CE: Well, I don't sit around and tell people what things are on maps all day.

TH: What?

CE: It was a joke.

TH: Oh. How?

CE: I pretended you were referring the other kind of legend, like for a map.

TH: Rand McNally?

CE: What?

TH: Rand Mcnally, legend of maps.

CE: I'd like to talk to you about being cool, something I've been called a lot.

TH: Were you feeling cold, due to your immense age, when someone called you that?

CE: No, but you're a very sharp and funny guy.

TH: Thanks, for you to say that to me, and not for me to pretend that someone is saying it to me, will boost my confidence a lot.

CE: What is being cool?

TH: Some people think that striking a match on their teeth is cool, but to me, it just means you have very rough teeth.

CE: Speaking of matches, are cigarettes cool?

TH: I would feel it irresponsible of me to say that cigarettes are cool, but I will say, to exhale cigarette smoke looks very cool, also cigarette flicks, taking a cigarette out of it's pack, that little tap people do before they open a pack, inhaling cigarette smoke, getting out of one's chair and you know it's because they're going to smoke, the way cigarettes look between two elongated fingers, etc...

CE: Ok.

TH: One more thing, when someone lights two cigarettes in their mouth and then gives one to a woman, also, when men and women smoke together.

CE: Is drinking alcohol cool?

TH: As long as it doesn't make you tell stories about other times you drank alcohol.

CE: Can you be born cool?

TH: I dunno, can you be born with a very original hat on? Probably not.

CE: So are hats a big part of it?

TH: Absolutely, if you can put on a hat that not too many other people are taking advantage of, like a bowler, and then pretend to not be completely self concious about the fact that your whole night revolves around a unique hat choice, you're ahead of the game.

CE: Is it cool to be kind?

TH: I think the unexpected is cool. So if you're famous or rich, be kind. If you're poor and obviously not famous, i.e. Bob Cratchit, try being mean. If you're a jock, try being sensitive, and if you're a poet, try not to drown in self-importance and possibly self-vomit.

CE: Is irony cool?

TH: Tell me if you've ever had someone agree to marry you to be ironic, then ask me if irony is cool.

CE: Does that happen?

TH: Have you ever fallen in love with a Nicholas Cage fan?

CE: No. Is being in a band cool?

TH: If every band had a double-necked guitar player, I'd be able to tell you there's at least one cool guy in every band.

CE: Is being tough cool?

TH: Yes, I think that Ghandi could have remained peaceful, but if he at least went around punching walls he could have done a better job.

CE: What would be a cool way for me to end this interview?

TH: Anything to do with fire, I guess. Do you have a lighter?

CE: No. How about if we hug?

TH: Whatever man.

Draw Joke

2010-11-10T12:15:00.001-08:00

Death Of A Sailsman.

Thankyou.

Halloween Joke Book

2010-11-02T14:09:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone.

For those of you who don't know, I've spent the last two months writing my very own Halloween joke book. This past Saturday, October the thirtieth, I sent it in to the publishing company, right on time for Halloween of course, and it was rejected.

They gave me the usual BS. They said it was way too short, not enough jokes, and that the jokes weren't "punchy enough" or some of them weren't "really jokes". "Too many footnotes for a joke book" they said. Well now it's my turn to talk.

All I wanted to do was share my own brand of Halloween humour, and I'm not about to let any book publishing corporate fat cat stop me. So, instead of shopping this around and getting the money I deserve, I present to you here, in it's entirety, my Halloween joke book.

Why do vampires always check their hair on Skype (or other video chat programs)?

Because they can't see themselves in the mirror.

Speaking of vampires, I heard they need to stay away from garlic. Do you know where they should not go?

Italian restaurants.

Why did the luddite not want to dress up like a spider for Halloween?

He didn't like being on the web.

Do you want to hear a witch joke?

Ok, which joke?

Why does Marilyn Manson hate Halloween?

He can never tell if he's met a true beauty, or if they're just faking looking gross and weird.

Why are pirate werewolves so cautious?

Because they be werewolves. ((be - were (ware)wolves.) (beware wolves))

Who was the kid mummy's favourite rapper?

His mummy.*

His mummy, or mother, dresses him in the morning by (w)rapping him thus making her a (w)rapper or wrapper.**

**Author (or "jokester") pleads poetic license on dropping of 'w'.

Who was Sigmund Freud's favourite Ghostbuster?

EGOn.

(Please ignore holes in timeline and prenounciation.)

Pictured above, the beautiful people? Uhhhh, yeah, right.

Art

2010-09-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

Of an art period.

Oven art, period.

Hello, What?

2010-08-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. Too formal? Ok, hey guys. I made this video with a lot of the funniest guys that live in the city that I live in. Is my writing style getting too chunky? I think this old blog is going to cut the sides off again, does anyone know how to fix that? So anyway, click the thing that lets you watch it on youtube.

If you liked this, Chris Locke and Derek Horn, who I made this video with, also made this gem.

Interview: James Franco

2010-08-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked by actor and young man, James Franco, for an interview. Having been a fan of his tight facial skin for some time, I obliged.

James Franco: Tom Henry, an absolute pleasure.

Tom Henry: Nice to see you James, just call me Tom.

JF: Great, just call me James.

TH: I did.

JF: Just call me James Dean.

TH: No.

JF: Haha, yeah, just kidding, I'm really sick of that comparison actually.

TH: You brought it up.

JF: You know, sometimes you just want to be your own person, but people are so simple that they can only understand things by comparing them with things they're already familiar with.

TH: That's a wise take on it, I think.

JF: Can a guy not just be an actor named James who looks like James Dean and plays James Dean and acts like James Dean?

TH: Personally, I think you look kind of like Bill Pullman.

JF: Not James Dean?

TH: A bit I guess.

JF: That really offends me.

TH: Sorry, I thought you didn't like the...

JF: You're tearing me apart!

TH: Right. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?

JF: Sure. Would you believe me if I told you I was a ghost?

TH: Seriously? What, the ghost of James Dean?

JF: That's not what I was going to say, you think you're so smart.

TH: I apologize, go on.

JF: A ghost that hangs out at graveyards, y'know?

TH: Ok, sure.

JF: And, one day this ghost, y'know the ghost that I am, wanders upon this one certain dead guy's body, and goes inside of him and starts making him move around and talk and seem alive again.

TH: Ok, and the dead guy is James Dean.

JF: Do you believe it?

TH: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

JF, Why, you scared?

TH: I am a little scared of you.

JF: Don't be scared, I, the ghost that I am, am now completely in control of this body, like that movie, Being James Dean.

TH: Being James Dean?

JF: Yeah, you know, Being James Dean, that movie with John Malkovich.

TH: Ok, whatever. Where did you get the name Franco from then?

JF: I guess there's this guy who thinks he's my dad, and his name is Franco. I guess he's crazy or something, him and his wife, and all of their relatives.

TH: They must be really upset.

JF: Typical of the living. All of my other ghost in body friends have the same problems.

TH: There are others?

JF: Yeah, you know Gerard Butler?

TH: Yeah.

JF: He's actually a ghost inside of Colin Farrell's dead body.

TH: That doesn't make sense James, Colin Farrell isn't dead.

JF: Ok, maybe, I just heard that from my friend Colin Hanks, you know Colin Hanks?

TH: Sure.

JF: He's actually a ghost inside of Tom Hanks' body.

TH: Again, Tom Hanks is alive.

JF: Are you kidding me! Have you seen how much they look alike?

TH: Listen James, sometimes people just look alike, especially if they're related.

JF: C'mon, quit tearing me apart.

TH: James, I think you need to talk to someone, I can put you in touch with a guy, you could go over there right now.

JF: Yeah, great, let me just drive my sports car over there really fast, do you still feel good about sending me over there?

TH: Listen, why don't you just go lie down on the couch for a bit.

JF: Yeah sure, maybe I'll take a GIANT nap.

TH: Ok buddy.

JF: Giant is a James Dean movie, my body will give you an autograph about it if you like.

TH: Ok.

Jokes

2010-06-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

Hi beautiful, oh hi other beautiful, so many beautifuls here today. Below these words lie some jokes I made in my famous brown cardigan, for a show which was a showcase with my Laugh Sabbath pals for the comedy network, which is a television channel, do people still know about those? I don't know how to make the video not get cut off, maybe click on the link instead?

Hi, I'm Back

2010-06-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, I'm back. Did you get a good enough look at that tooth growing out of a thumb? If I told you my creative battery needed recharging would you believe me? What if I were Jonny Depp and I told you that? Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, I'm back and I just want you to know it's not your fault I've been gone so long. No listen, it's not your fault.
Matt Damon: Yeah, I know man.

-Good Will Hunting

Woah, did Good Will Hunting just happen? Ok, so I bet you've been wondering obsessively what I've been doing with my time in the last two months, other than blind mayonaisse/miracle whip taste tests. Well, I've been writing a book with my very talented friend David Dineen-Porter, and I thought I'd share with you an excerpt. It deals with a fake disease that we're calling Crivits right now. Once it's published I look forward to all of the reviews undoubtedly remarking on our "absurdist wit". I also look forward to all of you remarking on our "absurdist wit".
Also here is David Dineen-Porter's amazing pilot tv show L'Brondelle's Universe, you will like it definitely.

Throwing a Crivit Friendly Party

Have you ever been to a party with very little music, and very little amount of snacks? Of course you haven't! Well, get used to it. The "party" setting, or "get-together" setting opens a figurative bag of things you wouldn't want to find in a bag (problems) for the Crivits sufferer.

-Shrimp.

A crivit man or lady is completely able and encouraged to eat shrimp. Hmm, good news right? Well, not so fast (no, not good news), in the excitement of a social rendezvous setting, the sight of shrimp is one that reacts badly with this one specific part of the brain*. In 98 percent of Crivits cases, a shrimp at a party will immediately be mistaken for a crescent moon. "Big Deal" you say, or some other types of you might say "Big Whoop." (the sassy type) and to you I ask this, have you ever seen sixty of the earth's moons displayed around a dish of red sauce? I didn't think so. Let me also ask you this, have you ever seen twenty-five grown men and ladies kneeling on the ground, screaming drool, heads cocked toward the sky for an answer as to why they just saw sixty of the earth's moons seemingly ready to be dipped into a reddish sauce? I have, and let's put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... to the washroom... to pee (they peed their pants). Let's also put it this way, some of them didn't "make it"... (they died).

Fun Solutions: Blindfold Shrimp Games.

Even normal humans play the classic game of 'pin the tail on the donkey'. Here's a modern Crivits take on that old classic game.

1. Tell whichever Crivits guys you know to play that dumb game.

2. Tell them there's shrimp as a consolation prize for all of the people who don't win (lose).

3. Tell them they obviously all don't win because they have a disease that prohibits the use of their arms whilst sight functions are incompacitated.

4. Tell them to eat the shrimp off of the cold rubber-like table cloth with their cold rubber-like faces.

5. Have fun!

*The shrimp/moon effect has not yet been quantified by those who study the brain (brain studiers). It's proof is largely anecdotal, like that time I saw all that stuff, and is portrayed in a book that Walt Whitman thought about writing.**

**I heard that but don't quote me on it, but tell people it, but not as a quote by me, but say you heard it was definitely true. Tell them the person who told you is your uncle who is the dean of a university.***

***Let me know if your uncle has any employment for me in his university, teaching or even as an actor/photographer to spy on his students to find out which ones he should kick out, I have a new cannon x250.

Illustrat-pion(pun)

2010-04-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

An Inconvenient Tooth

Rum pum pum.

tdh.

J.J. Salinger

2010-04-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

Hi guys, it seems due to my reputation in the literary community, I've ended up on this guy's mailing list.

Dear potential buyer,

My name is J.J. Salinger, I am the little known son, and executor to the estate of the great American writer J.D. Salinger. As you know my father was last published in 1965, but continued to write vigorously in relative seclusion until his recent death.

Of late, I have been working to get this previously unpublished work out to the public as I feel it wrong to deprive the fans any further. As you can imagine most of the work has not been hard to find a home for, there are, however a few rare items that the major publishing companies have deemed, "not polished enough" or "inappropriate". While they are entitled to their opinion, I believe that these historic pieces of literature should be seen. For these reasons I am opening the purchasing rights to you, the public.

The first item up for sale is a shoebox full of letters from my late father to me, I present to you some selected passages of a sample letter from this collection that could be yours:

Dearest J.J.,

By entrusting you the responsibilities of soul executor of my estate, I faithfully put my legacy in your hands. I know you will serve me well in my unwavering wish to let my work die with me. It is of the utmost importance, so that my soul can rest in peace in the afterlife...

...Please allow me to reiterate, upon my death all of my unpublished work is to be shoveled into a very large fire. Any pages that have not been successfully reduced to ash, should then be put into a hole in the ground and covered with compost...

...Please do not perceive any humor in what I write. I know that I can trust you, my favourite son, with this most important of tasks.

I love you very, very much,

Dad (J.D. Salinger)

As you can see, dad never let go of his acerbic wit and flair for the dramatic. This letter in it's entirety and over thirty more can now be yours or your organizations. Please help me to end the deprivation of the true fans of dad's indelible work, or keep it for your private collection. As a wise man once said, let's make a deal.

The second collection on the docket is a series of short stories written some time in the mid 2000's. This was a trying time for dad, he believed himself to be suffering from a terrible case of what he called "writer's block", and claimed to be having some problems with his "memory". For the entirety of the year, everything he wrote was crumpled into a ball and thrown into a trash basin or "waste bin". Luckily, so as to deprive the world no longer, I was able to retrieve a number of these short stories. They have been professionally restored (un-crumpled) and now are available for you to own.

As many a tormented genius, my father's own self-criticism was hard for him to quiet, but I think you'll see this is great stuff, classic dad.

The Glass Family Barbecue
By J.D Salinger

The Glass family go to the Barbecue, and they are all very smart but very sad. Now imagine some of that dialogue I'm famous for.
Do you think this is good? Like American classic good?
Then Ritchie Tanenbaum shows up, and he's in love with Margot. Wait, I invented that family right? So then Ben Stiller does some things and Holden Caulfield shows up, he says, "Oh man, people are the goddamn worst." Do you find this relatable if you're a youth?

For sale! Own a piece of the J.D. Salinger canon now! Thank you for your time potential buyer, any and all pricing inquiries can be sent to my personal email: jjsalamander@hotmail.com.

With love and squalor, (phrase for sale, contact J.J. Salinger)

J.J. Salinger

The Farm

2010-03-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

Oh, hi guys, I made this short film (video) about a sad guy. Hopefully, once you see how handsome I am, you will still be able to take my writing intelligence seriously. The video also features the great Katie Crown. Have a watch mon (Jamaican).

Guy's Night Out

2010-03-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Did you think I turned into a Gary Larson and then died? You were wrong, but almost right.

I've just returned from Hollywood, in Los Angeles, I was there for the Academy's Awards. After the ceremonies I went out on the town with a couple of my pals, the evening's hosts, Steve Martin and the only remaining Baldwin, Alec. They kept saying it was a "guy's night out" and that even though they both had high powered agents, tonight they were "free agents" looking to sign on to "any indie project they could find." They said they were looking for the "Diablo Cody of women." They said they would "Write HER screenplay, and they weren't talking about Juno if you knew what they meant." I didn't know what they meant. They also alluded to "chasing tail" every five or six minutes. I didn't know what that meant either. After a while it became evident, here are some of the things I heard them say on guy's night out.

"My hair's been white since I was twenty, so I could be twenty."

"Have you seen Shopgirl? My character dates a younger woman, about your age, and my character is about my age. I based it on a true story, a true story from the future. It's based on you, you and me."

"You're much prettier than Claire Danes. You are Claire Danes? Oh, nevermind."

"Facelift? I'm just a comedian, why would I get a facelift? To get a part in Cheaper By The Dozen? Yeah right. Yeah you're right.

"You like 30 Rock? I'll buy you thirty rocks, thirty diamonds... No, that was for the sake of poetry, but I'll buy you one or two."

"Here's a picture of my daughter... Oh that picture next to her? That's what I used to look like."

"Remember when I was great? Ok, keep remembering it. Keep rememebering it. Keep Remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it..."

"Did you see us host the Oscars? Wasn't it funny when we made fun of each other? We actually really like each other. Do you like us each other?"

"Have you seen The Shadow?"

"If you say I'm washed up one more time... I'll keep sitting here cause you're pretty and I think you're really beautiful."

"You're not impressed by money? I'll impress you with my acting then. What should I act like?"

"Yes we were in It's Complicated. You know what's not complicated? Your eyes. They are simple, simply beautiful. Hang on I'll make a call. Nancy, can you make a movie called It's Simple, Simply beautiful? Starring.. what's your name sweetheart?"

Draw Joke

2010-02-19T13:00:00.001-08:00

No strings attacked.

Pinocchio's Epiphany

2010-02-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

Alternate title: The time Pinocchio said something bad about Sandra Bullock.

Note: Meant to be wood chips at the back, not blood, unless you're into that kind of thing.

Love you,

tdh

A Visual Cue

2010-01-20T15:37:00.001-08:00

A visual cue

A visual Q

A non-visual Q (braille)

A pew (visually)

Despair, Angst, Absurdity, Alienation and Boredom

2010-01-15T00:58:00.000-08:00

A philosophical conversation with Tom Henry, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.

SJP/HG: What is truth?

TH: One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing. -Socrates

Also, if you're laying on the ground, looking for clouds that look like things, and they all look like pieces of chewed gum, you may be facing the wrong way.

SJP/HG: What is god?

TH: I watched a Mel Gibson movie about this.

SJP/HG: We meant god in a broader sense, not Christ so much.

TH: What Women Want was about Christ?

SJP/HG: What is existence?

TH: Generally, when you exist, it involves haircuts.

SJP/ HG: How should one find meaning in life?

TH: Live everyday like tomorrow could be your last, or like they could change the calendar to make days a length that you couldn't possibly live longer than one more day.

SJP/HG: Even if you lived to be a hundred?

TH: Yes, one day would be at least a thousand present calendar years in this scenario. Every birthday card would say happy zero birthday, and when lovers called each other 'baby' it would make more sense.

SJP/HG: I see.

TH: I'm actually advocating this system, it's completely absurd that one or two guys got to decide which calendar we use.

SJP/HG: Who are you referring to?

TH: Greg or Ian.

SJP/HG: What is the universe?

TH: Some would say we're floating on a marble that's being played with in a giant game of marbles, it's that arbitrary really.

SJP/HG: Hmm.

TH: Incidentally, I heard it was a sign of luxury to have a marble staircase so I put a bunch of marbles on my stairs, but the only thing that happened was that thing from Home Alone.

SJP/HG: Being What?

TH: Someone slipped.

SJP/HG: ...

TH: My great aunt, she perished.

SJP/HG: Oh my.

TH: It's ok, she had a very long life, she got to see all seven wonders of the world.

SJP/HG: That's an amazing and rare accomplishment.

TH: Yeah, I know, most of us saw the first six, but she had a friend who worked on the seventh one, so she got to see Voldemort die and all that.

SJP/HG:...

TH: It more or less evened out for her anyway, because I payed for her to have a marble tombstone.

SJP/HG: That's a grand gesture.

TH: When you pay some kids to put marbles on a tombstone, does that count as paying for a marble tombstone?

SJP/HG: No.

TH: Well that's what I did, if you didn't understand the inference.

SJP/HG: What is death?

TH: The ringing in our ears, habitually tuned out, but ever present. It shows no prejudice, arriving in the heat or the cold, night or the day. It cares not for feelings of safety and security, it knows no sympathy... It's not as bad as it sounds though.

SJP/HG: How do you know?

TH: I've experienced it.

SJP/HG: You've experienced death?

TH: I thought you asked me about the film, You've Got Mail?

SJP/HG: Is there karma?

TH: Yes, you will be reincarnated as either a great eagle or a pathetic bug, so try not to be odious.

SJP/HG: Tha...

TH: Wait, I mean try not to be Odie. Try not to come back as Odie, Garfield can be very cruel.

SJP/HG: Thankyou. Namaste.

TH: Namaste.

2010

2010-01-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

Uggh. I'ts 2010, the year to put all the apostrophe's in the wrong spot's.

That was George Orwell's real distopic vision, that guy loved grammar.

So, it seems I've unintentionally taken a month off. My brain feels small and shrivelled, and pouring alot of water in my ear isn't helping. Here are the most funny things I've thought of in the last month -

George W. Bush - That guy was not good.

Dr. Phil - Not even a real doctor.

MC Hammer - It's Hammer time I guess.

If you know any ways to cure brain fog, lemme know. Maybe I need to take up coffee, even though I don't like hot drinks.

Woah, this is getting way too personal. I'll write something tres (very) soon. Something that will make all the Hollywood agents knock at my door and tell me everything's gonna be alright. The decade in review? I dunno, what happened this decade, the ipod?" I guess it's better than the decade where they invented the tripod.

Also, I'm saying jokes at Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot! tomorrow, my favourite show as a fan of live comedy.

Don't leave me because of the month off, I'm too nice of a guy.

tdh.

Apartment 28

2009-12-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

I got this message on myspace today -

"Hey, it's Jeff Torin! I just started a new band with Jay Iorio called "Apartment 28". Check us out and let me know what you think."

I wrote Jeff Torin back as was his want.

editorial note: I know sarcasm's pretty easy stuff, but sometimes it's just there, please forgive me.

Dear Jeff Torin,

It's Tom Henry!

When I checked my myspace today for no reason at all I was pleased to receive your message. It's not every day I get an ambitious young upstart asking me to check out their band. Oh wait, it is, it is every day. Regardless, I think 'Apartment 28' shows great promise.

First off, really fun name. Is that like the number of an apartment of someone in your band, or was that just some total off the top of your head kinda thing? Actually what would be really cool would be if it were a reference from some sort of movie or tv show that you're a fan of. Any of those origins would be pretty cool, and great interview fodder for dare I say, MTV? The name conjurs up some great images, like a living space of some sort that is probably on the second floor of a building.

What is especially unique and exciting about this project is that you've teamed up with Jay Iorio, a man who I don't personally know, but aslo don't know at all. That said, I have a preeeetty good feeling about him, I knew a guy named Jay once and he was certainly approaching almost being worth conversing with.

I haven't had a chance to 'check out' your music yet, but I look forward to it. Are there guitars in it? Golly, I hope so. I have the utmost confidence that despite the valliant yet utterly dissapointing efforts made by all of the bands who have ever randomly solicited me to listen to their music, Apartment 28 will make it all worth while.

It's really too bad that I have no connections at any of those big record labels, I would be sure to put you in contact with them. Sometimes it just makes me really mad that my uncle isn't a big deal, so I could help good intentioned folks like yourself out. You should keep trying though, and probably you will be discovered by a very rich and powerful man, in fact I'm almost certain of it! Please, promise not to forget about me when your song is played for a second in a season of Grey's Anatomy that ratings are down for, but still not bad.

Brimming with anticipation,

Tom Henry

Oh, hi.

2009-12-01T23:22:00.000-08:00

Hi guys,

I'm telling jokish type things at The Ossington tonight (Wenesday). If I don't know you personally you should come out to it, or if you're an acquaintance that I don't care very much about.

If you asked for a letter, it's coming. I'm really slow, I apologize. It'll be a great letter though, keep waiting by your door. If you want one and you haven't asked, I can add you to my list of things I'm neglecting, right between adulthood and getting a Kierkegaard book to pretend to read on the subway.

Writing up soon soon. Here's a picture I drew of D.B. Cooper, look him up maybe.

tom d

Interview: James Cameron

2009-11-20T14:19:00.001-08:00

On the heels of his latest magnum opus, Avatar, I had filmmaking giant James Cameron over to my house in Culver City to talk shop.

Tom Henry: James Cameron, thanks for coming out.

James Cameron: Can I talk about my new movie called Avatar?

TH: Yeah.

JC: It has the biggest budget ever.

Tom Henry: Ok.

JC: You know when you used to collect Marvel cards when you were a kid?

TH: Yeah

JC: With the amount I spent on this movie, I could have bought you very many of those cards.

TH: Well, that doesn't even make much sense.

JC: About a zillion dollars worth or whatever.

TH: Is that how much you spent?

JC: More than you'll ever see anyway.

TH: So not a zillion.

JC: Uh yeah, whatever, what's the most money you ever spent on anything?

TH: I'm not sure.

JC: Remember in the sixth grade when your friend gave you those shoes, but you didn't like the colour so you coloured them with black marker?

TH: Yeah, sort of.

JC: What a poor move.

TH: Sure, whatever.

JC: Did you ever have a dream where you were so rich, and then you woke up, and you were like damn?

TH: I guess.

JC: Yep.

TH: Can we talk about something else?

JC: Sure, what do you want to talk about, the dirt on the ground?

TH: No, I dunno, who are your influences?

JC: No one you've probably ever heard of.

TH: Why don't you just say.

JC: You know that kid from Malcolm In The Middle?

TH Frankie Muniz?

JC: Yeah, what he makes times about 400 million.

TH: That's not an influence.

JC: Not for you.

TH: Who are your filmmaking influences?

JC: Tim Burton.

TH: Really?

JC No, have you seen how much he spends on movies?

TH: No.

JC: Indie shit. That guy's an ammie.

TH: an amateur?

JC: Yeah, I call them ammies... You know that movie Titanic?

TH: Yeah, you made it.

JC: What a crappy little budget that movie had.

TH: So you're not happy with it?

JC: Leonardo Decaprio's so ugly, he's poor.

TH: I think he has a lot of money.

JC: Do you wanna know my only friend?

TH: Sure

JC: The Eiffel Tower, it's the only guy worth enough.

TH: I don't think it's a guy.

JC: I pay this guy to sort of sit near it and more or less embody it, so we can play cards and stuff.

TH: So you're friends with that guy?

JC: No, he's a peasant of some sort, I'm friends with the tower.

TH:...

JC: Do you have any food? I'm starving.

TH: Uh, yeah, what are you in the mood for?

JC: I haven't eaten in months.

TH: That's bad.

JC: I haven't found any food expensive enough.

TH: I guess I saw that coming.

JC: Can you do me a favour and charge me alot of money for some food? Because I think I might die.

TH: I guess so.

JC: Ok, my wallet needs to be airlifted here.

TH: That's so stupid, don't you have a bank card?

JC: I had a bank card made out of that stuff from Jurrasic Park.

TH: What stuff?

JC: Dinosaur.

TH: You have a bank card made out of dinosaur?

JC: Not anymore, I gave it to Bill Gates.

TH: Why Bill Gates?

JC: Seemed like he was down on his luck.

TH: I don't really want to talk to you anymore.

JC: Ok, can you call me one of those taxis that god drives for a handsome fee?

TH: That doesn't exist.

JC: Ok, bye.

Life's Funny

2009-11-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

Hi, here's a video I made. I showed it earlier this month at the Laugh Sabbath's Let's Get Hot. The Laugh Sabbath is Toronto's greatest comedy show that happens every Sunday at 9 pm, at the Rivoli. You should go!

I'm going to the city New York tomorrow, in the city holder (country) America. Here's an old story I wrote about New York from the early days of this blog, maybe you haven't read it, if you have, so sue me, I'm walking here!

Another Letter (Involving The Community)

2009-11-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

Hi people,

This is another letter to a real life person. I'm gonna (going to) write some stuff other than these letters soon, but for now so what, read another letter, get off my case, take a hill pill (go lay on a hill and calm down).

This one is to a young lady named Kayla, she was kind enough to write me a few sentences. Thanks Kayla. Also, just thought you should know, there's a guy on the Toronto Raptors this year named Sonny Weems, good name right?

Dear Kayla,

These are very interesting. (In regard to the above mentioned sentences) Are they autobiographical book title ideas? Wait, don't answer that, it was just a reason for me to do this:

Here are my autobiographical book title ideas,

I Used Up All My Ambition Learning To Nap

Napping, And A Few Other Things

When Do I Get To Nap Again? Can I At Least Have A Cracker Or Something?

... There's a joke here, it's that I nap alot, funny, right?.

Continuing on, I admire your brave use of font. I'm afraid I don't share your youthful, throw everything to the wind mentality, and so I mustn't stray far from this thing they've named Sans Serif, medium size.

I'm afraid, for you, once one discovers the fun in fonts, one will end up in many extemporaneous conversations with graphic designers. They will refer you to a glut of books and films, unknown to the general population, dealing solely with font. They will tell you all about their love of Wes Anderson, and his use of Futura Bold. They probably also will tell you alot of boring things about an antique coffee maker they bought for their office.

I digress.

I'd now like to divert your attention to the fact that in the previous paragraph I've used a word that I've been wanting to for quite some time, and may have already, then forgot. (Hint: It's not extemporaneous (very poor hint: it is glut.))

If you or anyone can find the word glut in any of my writings, I will present to them a shiny two dollar coin, a shiny two dollar coin I will have to steal.

Other words I'd like to use someday, and probably already have:

uncouth

brevity

symphonium

parlay

covenant

Chayenne, Wyoming

specificity

squirrel

Please don't suggest I write a short story involving all these words, I am not a fun guy.

My many thanks to you for enjoying the gift I have unleashed into the world (95% sarcasm, 5% complete seriousness, I'm pretty sure there's some irony in there too, but I still don't really understand that concept.)

Sincerely yours,

Tom (d) Henry

ps. I have been posting these on my blog, not your letter but my response. I know it's slightly uncouth, but I badly need the approval of the four other strangers reading. Please kindly still regard this as a personal correspondence, and not a meager attempt on my behalf to generate material.

Letters And All That

2009-10-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

As for my offer of personalized letters to anyone who asks. Here is one that I wrote to a person named Jordan. I think they might have asked for a letter to make fun of me, Jordan always seemed like a bit of a jock name. So you got me Jordan, go and print these out and paste them around the halls of the school, so everyone can laugh at me.

This actually was an email. I think some people may be confused, I originally wanted to send out snail mail and fancy myself some kind of a half retarded Ernest Hemingway, but if you want an email instead, I can do that too. I suppose some people may think if they gave me their address, I could actually afford to get to their house. If you are another person who asked for one, it is on its way sometime before the end in 2012, and if you still want one, golly, just say so.

Dear Jordan,

How to do this?

Well, in past emails I've had with people, I've had something like a UK email address to work with or something of that sort (then I can just say a bunch of stuff about England for example.) You just have a gmail, like me, so I'm going to have to be crafty.

In fact, I'm not even sure if you're a male or female, as Jordan can go both ways. I'm going to assume you're a male because of the jaguar you've put in your email address, like every young boy, you would draw pictures of wildcats with dinosaurs riding them, and eventually there came a time for you to choose an email address. However, if you are a female, take no offense, as a jaguar can also be sleek and feminine and all that.

Also in your address, I see the number 88, I'm gonna go with birthyear on that one, making you 21ish, congratulations on that. I heard they say the young waste their youth. Yeah, so, what are you gonna do about it old man? Either that or you're a fan of often concussed ex NHL'er Eric Lindros. I'm doubting that as I don't think he has very many fans.

The other option would be that you just like that number, well fine then, there ain't a damn thing I can do with that is there?

Ok, I'm going to move on as I had not really intended on doing some sort of email address analysis, but hey, I hadn't intended on staying up last night til' 4 am to watch back to back episodes of Frasier either. That's life I guess, sometimes you do very poor things with your time.

Of all the poor things you can do with your time, going on Jeopardy might be one of them, you don't make very much money by gameshow standards, and I imagine no one even thinks you're all that smart anyway. I mean I don't consider myself very smart, and I can get a bunch of those answers. (the easy ones anyway) So that would be some advice from me to you, don't go on Jeopardy. If you are 21 years old, you should take this advice. If you're much older than that, you should not take it, as you may be older than me, and you should never take advice from someone younger than you (the definition of being 'a loser').

Aha, here is the problem though, I've just told you not to take advice from those younger than you, but if you are older than me, and you don't take my first piece of advice, then you are in effect, taking my second piece. Wow, that's kind of like that riddle in the movie Labyrinth, that I've forgotten the answer to eighty times.

Here's another piece of advice for you possibly young, possibly male, possibly 21 year old Jordan. Parties are fun for you right now, I imagine, but as you approach your mid twenties, if you walk into a party and you hear the sound of a typewriter, run away, run as fast as you can. You see, typewriters are novel to us, living here in 'the digital age'. But if you end up at a party where this novelty is being confused for fun, just be ready to next be tasting interestingly flavoured hot chocolate from a farmer's market for fun.

If you insist; however, on going to these parties, try staring at the wall for a while and people will probably think you're interesting.

Thanks for reading my thing (blog).

Yours truly,

Tom (d) Henry

The Dumb Poet

2009-10-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

What kind of guy would talk about wanting to update his blog more and then not do it for five days? This guy, that's who.

Here are some things I heard this one dumb poet saying.

"This sunset is so boring."

"I like vests so much, I scissor all my clothes up the middle."

"What's a adjective, babe?"

"This poem I wrote would be way better without all these words."

"I wish I could impress people by being angry about a lot of different things."

"Would the show Curb Your Enthusiasm be a good thing to write a poem about?"

"Can I go eat toast instead of doing this?"

"Poetic license? Shit, I just hope this place has a poetic liqour license."

~Some Dumb Poems~

My Sugar Man

"You're my sugar man." I said.

"I'm not sure what you mean." he said.

"You give me sugar." I said.

"Ok, no sorry." he said.

"You don't sell me candy?" I said.

"No." He said.

"Oh, I thought you were the guy from my corner store." I said.

"I'm not." He said.

"Sorry" I said, "I'm blind - from diabetes."

Uncle Swift Poppy

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

We always liked your name.

Dear Uncle Swift Poppy,

You brought our family shame.

Please change your name back to Swift Poppy,

We don't like you as Dennis Quaid.

-by Dennis Quaid's neice

My Hubris

What you said about my hubris, what did that mean?

I don't know that word.

Forget it.

I'm smarter than you anyway,

and better in most ways.

The Cheap Alcohol Society

The cheap alcohol society wants to get drunk for cheap.

We also want to meet new people.

If the new people are drunk,

we might try to kiss them.

If they're not,

we'll just try to drink for cheap.

The cheap alcohol society just wants to kiss drunk people.

Some Updates

2009-10-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I've been doing some thinking about this blog, and if anyone reads it, I'll let you in on my thinking. I don't think this post is going to be funny.

Firstly.

I'd like to post more often. I'm thinking of a way to do that, but you know that Peter, Bjorn and John album, Writer's Block? Yeah, you get the point. Anyway, get off my back, you think it's easy to be blessed with my signature dumbish intellect? So maybe in between the longer things, I'll post shorter things, and inbetween the shorter things I'll post really dumb things. I also perform lively in Toronto from time to time, so maybe I'll let you know about those.

Secondly.

I'm kind of obsessed with letters, and I'd like to send short, personalized letters to anyone who sends me a mailing address. That would be great fun I think. I'm not expecting to get many requests, but if you think it would be too neat, email me at tomdhenry@gmail.com, maybe we can make it a thing!

Thirdly.

If you exist, and ever read this ol' pile of hay, thankyou. I've existed here for more than a year now. Any feedback about these ideas or any old thing is welcome.

Fourthly,

Ladies,

I have rabies. Whoops, I mean, hey babies.

tom (d) henry

Old Groaners

2009-09-14T11:51:00.001-07:00

I just got to see a sneak peak early film festival screening of the new Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman film, Old Groaners, about two aging men trying to make sense of today's fast paced world. Here are some of my favourite lines, this one looks to be an instant classic.

"Oh, the internet? Is that the number twelve that keeps flashing on my VCR?"

"Oh yeah, by the way, why is it always twelve o'clock at my house? it's twelve o'clock every second. What the?"

"The internet? What a bunch of wires!"

"Who is Jessica Simpson? Is she like Homer Simpson? Who is Homer Simpson?"

"Text message? Like a typewriter?"

"Alarm clock? I just get woken up by that terradactyl. What happened to that terradactyl?" (email me for full list of dinosaur jokes)

"Frank Sinatra was good, more good than both of those new types of music."

"What time is it? 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12. What the?"

"I'm so new and hip, oh wait, I so need a new hip."

"Geez, I can't find my spectacles. Oh they're on my head."

"I can't find my car keys, Oh they're on my head."

"Oh, my car is so old, it's one of those old timey cars."

"Look at all this medicine, I take more pills than all the dreams I have about Ava Gardner. That's alot."

"My three least favourite words? Arth. Right. Us. Wait, arth isn't a word, never mind."

"Oh, sick means good now? Ok, give me the sickest lobster you have. I want to eat a very sick lobster."

"When I was a kid if you wanted to go into space, you just went into a space."

Old Groaners, Columbia Tristar Ent. Ltd. 2009

The Fruit Fly

2009-09-06T13:24:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone, I've been busy working on my old film scripts again. Here's a sneak peek of the newest one, it's been optioned by a company.

The Fruit Fly is an exciting twist on an old classic, The Fly, about Seth Brundle, a man slowly becoming a fly. It's basically the same, except it's with a fruit fly. Enjoy.

SCENE 22

INT. MARK'S HOUSE. NIGHT.

SETH BRUNDLE

Mark, can I have this grape?

SCENE 35

INT. JENNY'S APT. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Wow, great apartment Jenny, do you have any fruit?

JENNY

SETH BRUNDLE

Ok, lates.

SCENE 54

EXT. STREET. DAY.

BETTY

Hey I'm having a party Saturday, you should come.

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh great, can my a million friends come?

BETTY

Huh?

SETH BRUNDLE

They're really annoying fun guys.

SCENE 61

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY.

WAITER

Our special today is a tomato salad.

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh ok, is that a fruit after all?

WAITER

I don't know.

SETH BRUNDLE

Uhh, just give me fifteen sides of fruit.

SCENE 63

INT. CLUB. NIGHT.

Seth sees a guy holding a guitar

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh you're a musician, have you ever heard that White Stripes song, fell in love with a plum?

SCENE 66

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Do you want one of these bananas?

DAVE

No thanks, I don't really like bananas.

SETH BRUNDLE

What!

DAVE

Yeah, I just don't really like the texture.

SETH BRUNDLE

You are an idiot.

DAVE

...

SETH BRUNDLE

Oh you're dumb.

SCENE 85

INT. GYM. DAY.

SETH BRUNDLE

Hey do you know what my favourite part of my body is?

GEENA

What?

SETH BRUNDLE

My adam's apple.

GEENA

Oh.

SETH BRUNDLE

Except not really, cause it's not actually an apple.

Old West

2009-08-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

I made this funny video with my smaller (and younger) brother. Writing up very soon. If you have any ideas what I should write about, tell me. Also, if you have any money I can have, I'll have it. Also any babes.

The Dumbest News Story

2009-07-12T14:01:00.001-07:00

I just found the dumbest news story in the New York Times, it's so badly written and dumb.

Tobey Mcguire upset after being called "cat man"

"Then they called me the cat man", explains the Spiderman star, "I was eating dinner and eventually they called me the cat man." explains the frusterated Cider House Rules star, "I was eating cat food." explains Tobey Mcguire, "I wanted to make a joke back at them, like a comeback." explains the Kirsten Dunst love interest in Spiderman. "I thought of saying like, Well the cat man do... and then I couldn't really come up with an ending, or a point." explains the actor.

When asked for opinions the town that Tobey was in were split. Ernie from the corner store says Tobey bought some candy, so Ernie was calling him the candy man; "I like that name better, got more of a ring to it. If the boy wants to eat cat food, so be it, then someone just give him some candy. "If I had that kind of money, I'm more of a pork chop, if you see Tobey tell him to try a pork chop, and then a candy." Says Ernie, "Woops, did I say I'm a pork chop? I meant to say I'm a pork chop man."

-by Jonathan Ernst Helm, NY Times, June 4, 2009

Birthday Card

2009-07-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

Hey,

This is a video I made for my good friend Lulu's birthday a bit ago. Some writing will be up in the next few short days (what?)

Also you can follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/thegreatgatsby I'm hilarious over there. Thanks for visiting. Happy 5th of July.

Interview: Kelsey Grammer

2009-06-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

Mostly, my inerviews that I've posted here, I have been the subject, interviewed by an eager few celebrities whom I grant approval. Every now and again; however, someone so special comes along that I feel the need to turn my eyes on them. Ladies and gentleman, without further adieu, I give you Mr. Kelsey Grammer.

Tom Henry: Sir, it's a great honour.

Kelsey Grammer: The pleasure's mine. Would you like to get inside the mind of Frasier Crane?

TH: I'm so glad you asked. He's, in my mind, one of the great all time characters.

KG: Alot of the time on the show we would use irony as a comedic device.

TH: Interesting.

KG: Right, take for instance one of my favourite episodes. Niles and I have broken into a neighbour's condo apartment after a string of inevitably failed logic leads us there. Niles, as his character dictates, is noticably shaken, but not me, I'm getting high off it. I proclaim in an excited sort of half whisper, half talk; "I'm a cunning cat burglar, I have nerves of steel." Just as I finish that sentence, the door opens, I shriek; "aaaaah!"

Frasier is full of contradictions and character flaws, it makes him very funny and also very relatable.

TH: I've noticed that.

KG: Other times the character of Roz and I would play vaudeville pitch perfectly. I would have a cold, probably from the famous Seattle rain, and I would be coughing fervently. Roz comes in and says; "I haven't heard that much coughing since I was backstage at the Carribean Reggae Sunsplash concert."

Some of the episodes I'm most proud of are when I'm not aware that someone's right behind me, so I say something innapropriate about them very loudly. And then usually, I see the looks of shock and consternation on everyone's faces, and I tack on rather slowly and feebly; "...and they're right behind me aren't they?" and of course they are.

TH:...

KG: My other favourites are the times when I'm talking to someone, and we're both talking about different things, but we think we're talking about the same thing. Like, I say; I rear - ended somebody, and I mean it in the most literal sense, like a car accident, but they have been lead to believe I'm speaking in sexual inuendo.

That wasn't really the device irony, we had a name for those episodes, I can't remember right now.

TH: What's your real life like now?

KG: It's alot like Frasier actually. My wife sometimes jokes, "Uh oh, you're making that Frasier face again."

TH: What's that face look like?

KG: Most of the faces I make in Frasier are from real life, so I guess that's why she gets confused. And also she looks alot like a mix between Daphne and Roz.

TH: Oh really?

KG: Yeah, her name is Raphne.

TH: What kind of a name is that?

KG: I think she's Polish. She makes great stew, Campbell's Chunky.

TH: Quite the coincidence.

KG: Similarities aside, her comedic timing is terrible.

TH: Has that been a problem?

KG: Of course I love her for whoever she is, but sometimes I wish there would be like an incriminating message on the answering machine, and she would be like; "What is this?" and I would get all flustered, but then cover it up like; "hahaha, that's my friend playing a trick on me, not a real message."

TH: She can't keep up though?

KG: Well I guess the first problem is I don't get those messages, plus we have an answering service, not one of those outloud playing answering machines.

TH: Oh

KG: We usually just watch movies and stuff. We just got an early screening of the new Pixar film, Dear Deer. It's about a buck who wants to write letters, but is inhibited by it's hooves.

TH: Moving on, you played Beast in the X-Men. What was that like?

KG: X-Men is a huge franchise, much like Frasier. It was nice being on that set, Professor X really reminded me of Marty Crane, full of wisdom and with a passion for justice, Marty being an ex-cop of course, and Professor X being the head of a crime fighting syndicate.

I think Martin would have made a great X-man actually, but those dreams probably would've gone out the window when his wife, my mother, Hester died.

Funny thing actually, she's long dead before the show starts, but in one great episode I date Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks' wife. Here's the kicker, she looks just like my dead mom, so that plays in to the whole Freud thing, because of course Frasier is a psychologist.

TH: Was Tom Hanks on set?

KG: Yeah, we don't really get along. I don't know this for definite, but I'm pretty sure he was up for the part of Frasier.

TH: Thanks for your time.

KG: Goodnight Seattle, I love you.

TH: haha

KG: I mean, cheers.

TH: Ok.

KG: Cheers.

Regarding My Recent Hiatus

2009-05-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

Regarding my recent unnanounced hiatus from professional literary humour blogging.

My babies, I have been very busy. A while back I was asked to punch up the script for the recently released Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, starring Matthew Mcauhnehay and Jennifer Garner. As we neared release time my life proved too hectic for any creative endeavours. If you see the film, here are some of the scenes I wrote that I'm most proud of:

EXT. PARK. DAY.

JENNIFER GARNER
Uh, so just how many girls have you dated?

MATTHEW MCAUGNENNY

You ever been to New York City?

JENNIFER GARNER
Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything...

MATTHEW MCAUHNEY
About as many as how many people live there.

INT. GREG'S APARTMENT. DAY.

There's a party at Greg's apartment.

TINA
Hey Matthew.

MATTHEW MACAUGNQAY
Tina! what are you doing here!

JENNIFER GARNER
Who's this girl?

MATTHEW MCHAUNAGHY
This is... uh... this is my old college roomate... her name is uhh... (looks around room) chips and dip!

JENNIFER GARNER
Your college roomate was a beautiful woman named chips and dip?

MATTHEW MACUGHNEHE
What can I say, I went to art school?

...Dear Jimmy Fallon,

I'm writing the stupidest thing about that film Ghosts of Girlfriends Past for my stupid blog. Sometimes you have to pander to your fan base, most likely a bunch of bearded corduroy enthusiasts and girls who wear dress shirts under their t shirts, who can't stand the sight of two beautiful faces like Matthew Mcconaughey and Jennifer Garner, this generations Cary Grant and who ever the famous women were back then.
Oh, you don't think Frasier is funny, oh really? Because it only won eight writing emmys, but I guess you know better than television professionals. I bet these 'comedy connoisseurs' even laughed when I pretended like I don't know how to spell Matthew Mcconaughey. Yeah, because I've never heard of this thing called google. Lol. I gotta get back to this, hang on...

INT. DINNER PARTY. NIGHT.

Right so then Matthew maccunehu goes to this dinner party that Jennifer takes him to and this other ex shows up and it's so dumb and formulaic, don't you hate Hollywood films with great production values that you can actually just enjoy without having to think back to grade 10 philsophy?

... Jim, the reason I was writing originally is I thought you might have a job for me over there. Truth is, the real reason for my hiatus was I was busy writing some stuff for your show, which by the way I think is really a cutting edge program.

Mostly I've written four hundred jokes about the economy, that didn't get better yet did it? Check this out: 1. Have you heard about the economy? The economy I hear is so bad that Tom Cruise couldn't afford his crazy pills. 2. Hey have you guys heard about how bad the economy is? I heard that Jessica Simpson is skinny again, because she couldn't even afford any food.
There's a lot more Jim, and pretty much if you give me any name of a celebrity I can probably make an economy joke about it. It would help if they're involved in some sort of controversy though, like being crazy or fat. Shit, hang on...

EXT. SOME STUPID STREET. EXT.

It's the end of the movie, and Matthew Maacahnny just chased Jennifer Garner up to the top of the CN tower.

JENNIFER GARNER
If you love Nancy and Jess and all those other girls so much why don't you just go be with them!

MATTHEW MCCcAGHNNONI
You see this? you see how much I care about them!

Matthew gets out his little black book with all of the ladies phone numbers and rips it up and throws it off the building. Then they kiss and the camera spins around. The end. And that's a bad movie because it makes people happy and hopeful that true love might exist.

... listen Jim, I'm gonna wrap this thing up, gimme a call or an email or whatever. I also have alot of George W. Bush jokes, which I dunno maybe we can just change the names if someone else does something dumb. I can do an impression of him too, if you need that, as well as a pretty serviceable Arnold Schwartzenegger. And I usually put them in unlikely situations like ordering a pizza or something. Like, George W. Bush ordering a pizza: "What would you like to order sir?" "Ughh, this is one of dem ordering thingys?"
The sooner you can get me writing for people who are normal and went to college and don't watch Ingmar Bergman films, the better.

All my best, and give my love to your wife, Drew Barrymore's friend,

Tom Henry

...In summation I'd like to thank you all for hanging in there with me through this long break, I love and appreciate you all so much. It's really refreshing to know that people are interested in comedy that's original and weird and not all about just being really funny and making people laugh.

Eternally grateful,

Tom (d) Henry

Slim Twig

2009-05-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

My mainest man Slim Twig just released his first full length album entitled, Contempt! When he first gave me a special early listening copy, he had written Conempt! so I'd like to announce that I'm officially taking credit for the T in this epic album, and any good review attained thus far is now null and void on account of not mentioning my influence.
To celebrate this special occasion 'Slim' and I sat down for an email conversation about music and life, unfortunately he never answered his questions, while I slaved away answering his. Here it is Tom Henry, Slim Twig:

ST: Tom, in October you posted an interesting interview you did with Modern Guitars Magazine that made several references to guitar virtuoso Greg Howe. What is your opinion of virtuosos musical or otherwise? Do you consider yourself a virtuoso of the blog scene? Lastly, how did Howe respond to your negative assessments & were you successful in uncorking an interdisciplanary virtuoso beef?

TH: I've always thought of myself as the Kevin Eubanks of blogging. Eubanks is the wisest of all guitar virtuosos, he's had to listen to every single Leno monologue for the past twenty years. when you live through Leno monologues, twenty minutes becomes a week, and when you add that up Kevin Eubanks is something like 150 years old. I also appreciate that he never plays a song over fifteen seconds long, These guys like Howe think it's cool to play songs that go into the three and four minute range.
As for Howe, I don't think you can really call it a beef, it's more of a 50 cent/ Ja Rule situation. He's through. I single handedly took a guitar rif master and rendered him less cool than a drummer. The only sessions Greg Howe is taking part in now are in Lance Bass and Clay Aitkens new "band" if you know what I mean. I mean that he's gay and not in the good way - in the inappropriate derogatory way.

ST: Your fascination with celebrity has seen you defaming everyone from Jay Leno to Seth Rogen. Still, I notice you haven't taken a crack at many celebrity musicians or musician / actors (Russell, Keanu, Bruce etc...). Are you intimidated by the possibility of a battle of the bands or rock-off challenge? What about a dance off?

TH: Rogen and I actually made up. He's casting me in his new movie, I play a guy who thinks women are hot and likes beer/weed.
Regarding the actor/musicians you mentioned, they all tend to have large muscles and/or the ability to download karate moves, so you pick your battles.
I'd be open to a rock off but I'd have to set a few ground rules; no instruments, no sounds made with mouth, no noise allowed for that matter, no body movements. Did I mention I was regional standing champion '98-'99? The rules for the dance off would be very similar.

ST: Recently you collaborated with local photographer, and Toronto music scene documentarian Danielle Nemet (of Sombre Reptiles photoblog fame). Do you find the local music scene to be at all inspiring? Do you go to 'gigs' with any regularity?

TH: I do frequent Toronto gigs. What really bothers me about Toronto's music scene is the lack of adaptability. In my mind if U2 is the most popular band, then really everyone should be attempting their sound, that's just simple economics. Long story short, the answer's no, there are no good bands in Toronto, and I double as a Toronto music critic, so that opinion is actually fact.

ST: What is your desert island record, or do you still not own a stereo?

I still don't own a stereo, but my favourite album is the No Country for Old Men soundtrack.

ST: Lastly, who is the smelliest, or most groupie-abusing member of Vampire Weekend? Do you have any other amusing tour stories from your stint as maraca shaker in this cute african pop band & critical favourite?

TH: Firstly, I need to correct you, our sound is purely original, so there actually are no African influences. Furthermore in addition to the maraca, I play the djembe, kalimba and marimba. In answer to your question, all of the members of VW (the band) use Axe bodyspray almost religously, and it's impossible to abuse a groupie, they love it.
There is this one really funny story.We were touring once and we all had to sleep in this small hotel room that was meant for probably three less people then we had, and we all just looked at each other and said; "Well, this is life on the road."

Slim Twig's Contempt! is out now, you can buy it in stores and internets, I'm assuming.

and if you haven't heard this guy please go to myspace.com/slimtwig

Syllogisms

2009-04-08T11:54:00.001-07:00

Sleep is the cousin of death.
Being awake is the cousin of life.
Being awake is life.
Life is it's own cousin.

therefore Existence is inbred.

They say geniuses pick green
All Nosepickers pick green

therefore All nosepickers are geniuses.
(Until they pick too far, thus picking red.)

Only way I'm interested in your dream: It's about me.
"You were you but you weren't you.": only sort of about me.
Amount dream must be about me: More than sort of.

therefore I don't care about your dream.

The Japanese are very efficient.
Computers are very efficient.

therefore Yuppies eating computer food, dying. World peace achieved. Feist record sales drop.

Vegetarians love animals so they don't eat them.
Vegetarians love vegetables so they eat them.
Vegetarians are confused about love.

therefore Vegetarians' children live in constant fear.
(Attempt to stay away from lentils.)

Portuguese prime minister Jose Socrates is a mortal man

F. Scott Fitzgerald

2009-04-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

As anyone who reads this blog knows I have something of a penchant for correspondence. Recently, I've been reading the collected letters of F. Scott Fitzgerald. The letters of this great American master range from heartbreaking realizations to his former love Zelda, to talking shop with Ernest Hemingway. There were a few letters however that I found a little odd. Here they are.

1403 North Laurel Avenue

Hollywood, California

August 24, 1940

Dear Candy Store,

How many times must I tell you to leave out the yellow jube jubes from the jube jube bin? Have you any idea who I am?

F. Scott Fitzgerald

1307 Park Avenue

Baltimore, Maryland

May 11, 1935

Dear Friend,

Have I made a terrible mistake by going by F.? It's just struck me that it's not so much a name but a letter. Whilst travelling easterly by air, I was going through the alphabet and realized that most men have chosen as many as six or seven of these letters arranged in different interesting ways.

F? Scott Fitzgerald

14 Rue de Tilsett

Paris, France

August 13, 1925

Dear Reviewer,

In your review of my book, you quipped that The Great Gatsby, should merely have been called The Good Gatsby. I am writing to inform you that I have changed the title of the book to The Much Greater and Better than you, the reviewer to whom I'm writing this letter, Gatsby. Be warned I am not bluffing. My appetite for revenge burns deep within me (copyright).

F. Scott Fitzgerald

5521 Amestoy Avenue

Encino, California

April 11, 1940

Dear Editor,

I feel not like writing anymore. Do you think anyone would mind terribly if we adapted the Archie comics in to a novel? Do you reckon this Jughead fellow could pass as a Yale man?

F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Garden of Allah Hotel

Hollywood, California

February 22, 1938

Dear future president Harry S. Truman,

Good sir, I have great respect for your name, but might you consider changing it slightly to S. Harry Truman? This I believe will be much more becoming; however, you must always be sure to utilize the period after the S or else I'm afraid your name may resemble that of a ladies, a price this country can ill afford.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Creep Crepe

2009-03-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

Writing up on Thursday. Thanks for Coming

-TH

A Few Quick Letters 2

2009-03-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dear athletes,

Without sports you would just be people who do weird things on fields.

Dear toilet paper,

Sadly, when people use you to blow their nose, it's an upgrade for you.

Dear mothers,

There's a good chance your kid is not as talented as you think.

Dear mother,

Please disregard the above statement.

Dear philosophers,

What's the point? (Don't answer that)

Dear bookmarks,

You must pray further evolution doesn't enhance man's memory of small numbers in corners.

Dear Kevin Spacey,

Reasons I'm annoyed you didn't become an astronaut: 1. Your name. 2. Periodic breaks of you for planet earth.

Dear walk-in closet,

I've invented something called a walk-on closet, it's my bedroom floor.

Dear eyes,

If you really are the window to the soul, can you make sure not to let any squirrels in to my soul?

Dear glass doors,

There's a mildly amusing saying when a person is blocking the television, "You make a better door than a window." No one realizes that this is the very question of your existence.

Dear murderers,

Things I like about you:

You haven't murdered me yet.

Dear Daniel Day Lewis,

Please never take a part as an Irish actor, I'm afraid your preparation for the role may create a rift in the spacetime continuum.

Dear dog,

Saw you in the park running for no reason. Thought I'd let you know walking is much easier.

p.s. Don't lick my face next time I see you.

Dear own medicine,

Shouldn't I want a taste of you? If you're mine that means I need you right? Other people's medicine; possibly lethal or gender changing, much worse.

Very Short Plays

2009-03-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

THE OFFICE PARTY

act 1. scene 1.

EMPLOYEE 1:

Hey, during this tough economy, it was a great idea to hire this cheap Jack Nicholson impersonator as entertainment.

EMPLOYEE 2:

Thanks, yeah, Christian Slater is doing a great job.

THE MAN WHO ALWAYS GETS ONE LETTER WRONG THUS HIS LIFE RESEMBLES A REALLY BAD COMIC STRIP

act 1. scene 1.

MAN:

Here's that pigeon wearing lingerie you ordered.

OTHER MAN:

I said exotic bird!

TWO OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE GREET EACH OTHER

act 1. scene 1.

PERSON 1:

I miss your face!

PERSON 2:

Where have you been my whole life?!

MIKE TYSON: POST IMPRESSIONIST

act 1. scene 1.

MIKE TYSON:

Here I lie, with all this artistic talent, a tortured artist. I shouldn't have eaten Van Gogh's ear.

FRIEND WHO IS ANNOYING AFTER MIDNIGHT

act 1. scene 1.

BEN:

Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow.

RICH:

Well, technically I'll see you today.

THE TABLE & THE COASTER

act 1. scene 1.

TABLE:

My sole purpose is to put things on. Everytime you impose yourself between me and a glass you tell me I can't do my job! (pause) The scars of condensation would be far less painful than what you're putting me through.

THE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ACTING

act 1. scene 1.

DAISY:

Do you remember daddy's wheat fields back in Nebraska? Remember how they smell on a humid August night?

GREG:

Hang on, I'm trying to, using the technique of sense memory. Is it time for my soliloquy?

VERY FAT CANNIBAL

act.1 scene 1.

JON:

Hey, I ate that book club sandwich you told me about.

ROOMATE:

That was my book club!

A Very Special Interview

2009-02-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

I recently was interviewed by the ghost of Heath Ledger. Here it is.

Tom Henry and I met on a Tuesday afternoon at his recording studio in Culver City, Los Angeles. He didn't want me at his house as I would scare his cats. He's been working for the past six weeks on a series of audio books for people with speech impediments. "I'm not a speech therapist, but I figured they could listen to me talk and then try to talk like me." explains Tom.

It's this kind of straightforward thinking that's put the man in the place that he is. I hadn't had any real desire to return to the physical realm until I observed him elegantly waving a conductor's wand to control the pitch of his own voice as he spoke defined S sounds. Saviour of those with lisp, and many without, and a damn good reason for me to return for twenty minutes.

Heath Ledger: Hey mate.

Tom Henry: Hey man, we miss you down here.

HL: I miss you too.

TH: I saw a beautiful tribute to your life the other day, had like clips from all your films in slow motion.

HL: Have you seen any of my films?

TH: Yeah, I saw Moulin Rouge.

HL: I wasn't in that.

TH: Bewitched?

HL: No mate.

TH: You were married to Tom Cruise right?

HL: No mate, that's Nicole Kidman.

TH: Oh, sorry.

HL: I was in Brokeback Mountain.

TH: I thought that was Nicole Kidman, about a straight cowboy/cowgirl couple

HL: No mate. I got into a bit of drug trouble, have you ever?

TH: I grew tired of people telling me blood was blue inside of you, so I inject red dye a few times a day.

HL: Not really a drug is it?

TH: Well, the peace of mind has a definite calming affect.

HL: Does it work?

TH: There's no way to tell. I imagine it's actually a shade of purple now, but when I bleed it's extra red. They want to start using my blood in candy canes in place of spider blood.

HL: I didn't know they use spider blood.

TH: That's what a vegan told me once. Maybe she just couldn't think of a better way to say no to a candy cane.

HL: I need to ask you something, will you accept my Oscar for me?

TH: I'm sorry, I have plans.

HL: What are you doing?

TH: I take yoga to meet women.

HL: I see.

TH: Not in a romantic way, I just like to know people who breathe very well, they just happen to be mostly women. It looks like you're a shoe-in for the award though.

HL: Good, I hate to lose.

TH: Me too, there is one game that's really good to lose though.

HL: What is it?

TH: Musical electric chairs.

HL: Mate, that's true. Do you think about mortality much?

TH: ...What?.. I'm sorry I'm a little out of sorts, today I went to take a sip of what I thought was orange juice and it turned out to be orange strawberry banana juice.

HL: I understand.

TH: Not quite sure how you get juice out of a banana.

HL: Do you have any questions for the spirit realm.

TH: Yeah, ask Einstein if he's so smart why he's still not alive again.

HL: Thanks for your time Tom, do you think I'll see you anytime soon?

TH: The world needs me Heath.

The Man Who Sold The World

2009-02-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

Man: Hey, you wanna buy the world?

Other man: How much does it cost?

Man: Not very much.

Other man: What's wrong with it?

Man: Nothing, it's fine, I just don't want it anymore.

Other man: Is there much ugliness there?

Man: No, not really. Sometimes people spit out their gum and other people step in it. That's about it.

Other man: Any wars?

Man: Not that I know of. Every now and then people argue about, you know, the normal stuff... like people chewing gum too loudly, that kind of thing.

Other man: So, no famine, misery, death?

Man: Look, I'm gonna level with you, we have a major gum problem.

Other man: Well that doesn't sound too serious.

Man: So you'll buy it?

Other man: The world? Yes.

Man: That'll be forty dollars.

Kurt Cobain & David Bowie play Monopoly

Siblings

2009-01-31T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have a twelve year old brother and a twenty-seven year old sister, I've been trying to write something that would appeal to them both, and I think I finally got it. Here it goes.

Don't you hate it when your video game overheats when you're about to use it in a performance art?

Men with beards are scary, but also sexy.

Paying rent and chocolate bars are alot the same; they both make your stomach hurt a little but provide you with great self satisfaction. Am I right?

Bad action films are awesome and also ironically awesome.

Dinner parties with friends is one of the best ways to spend your time, and by dinner parties I could mean eating boiled hot dogs and drinking milk.

Life is hard, it can crush your spirit, Adam Sandler is funny.

Steven Spielberg

Sombre Reptiles

2009-01-12T22:49:00.000-08:00

I often go and admire my friend Danielle Nemet's photos over at Sombre Reptiles. And so to show those poets they're not so special, I've put together a series of poems to go along with some of Danielle's photos. tomdhenry/Sombre Reptiles mash up!

I was looking at some birds
When I became afire
All I really wanted to do
Was stand and bird admire

The fire it turns out
Was not what I had thought
T'was a sweet guitar riff
But I'm still a little hot

I sing songs to girls all day
I wish they all could look at me this way
They usually just turn to me an say "I don't like music."
Which seems unlikely

The trees are mourning us
They think we're all dead
What they don't know is
We go up the chimney and overhead

If our families saw us like this
They might flip, see
They'd need a few extra hugs
From the hippy

If you wanted one of these two haircuts
You're outta luck - we're closed.
If you want the one in the middle though
Just put a sheet over your head

Sing me a song red man
And it better be good
Because I'm racist against the red
And I'm not referring to the slur about Native Americans
I really like them
I mean people who stand in red lights
I guess what I'm trying to say is
My girlfriend dumped me in a darkroom

It's so late
My lamp wont stay up straight

My pillow is too vertical against the wall
I had to put my magazine down
Just to get a way from it all
And on top of that all
It takes so long
Just to make a phone call.

I remember the days
When we always saw in double
We were too in love
That was the trouble
It looks like we had cool hair
And wore overalls
But I can't really tell
Because I can't remember that particular day

My songs are so wussy
So high and so light
They say it's my own fault
For sitting too far right

A Letter To Sandwich

2009-01-09T14:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Sandwich,

I'm writing to let you know that I think you are a perfectly sufficient meal on your own. I send to you this sentiment in congruence with my belief that it's high time soup stopped riding your coat tails.

I'm not sure how soup attained it's status in the first place, it's not much more than a hot fruit smoothie made of vegetables. I suppose in today's selfish consumerist society where everyone wants everything all at once, people are enamoured with a food that is both liquid and solid. It is true that if you enjoy inhaling soup steam as well, you are indeed consuming all possible states of matter in one sitting, surely a thrill for those SUV driving capitalist pigs. I assure you I will be eating tuna fish on rye as these yuppies gargle butternut squash along to Feist.

I was perfectly fine with it staying in the dinner arena. If larger dinner type meals want soup to open for them, I think that's ok, It's easily put in it's place. Dinner is a silly meal anyway, used for trivial matters such as sharing thoughts with your family, etc... In the serious world of lunch; however, soup is going for equal billing. It wants to be there as important business deals are pondered over, and exes subtly infer their lives are better than one another.

Something must be done I say, and so I present to you the following measures I will be taking:

1. Draw Parallel with puke - Next time I'm out on a Saturday night and my friend points out a small puddle of throw - up, I'll turn to him/her* shrug and say, "Or maybe it's soup."

2. Play with temperatures part 1 - When spotting soup eaters at my favourite lunch spot, I will "accidentally" knock their soup in to their lap, scalding them. If they are reasonable, they'll realize the high risk that comes with eating soup. If they are less reasonable, the sight of soup will now act as a sort of Pavlovian response mechanism for not eating soup.

Note: Should they attempt to fight me, I will throw soup in their face, blinding them while also ridding the world of one more bowl or cup (whichever is at the ready).

3. Play with temperatures part 2 - On the other end of the temperature spectrum, an equally devilish plan. I will inconspicuously blow on the soup from my table using a common straw, rendering the meal slightly less appetizing.

4. Decrease cultural significance - I will travel to the Museum of Modern Art and take a somewhat out of focus picture with Andy Warhol's famous soup cans. People will think they were painted kind of blurry; thus, damaging soup's cred in the art world forever.

I sincerely hope these steps will make strides towards achieving your freedom. You are a hero and a national treasure, and I will probably see you tomorrow.

With love and admiration,

Tom (D) Henry

*By / (slash) I meant OR. I was not referring to some kind of she-man/he-woman.

2008 YEAR IN REVIEW

2008-12-29T08:37:00.000-08:00

Why are you so serious?

2008 was a wild and wooly one. Proud parents all over the globe made '08 the year of the parent and kids proclaimed; we don't want no homework no more. Here's a look at the rest of the year.

IMPORTANT THINGS THAT HAPPENED

Britney Spears Invents Wall-E - It was at her weekly exorcism with Mel Gibson, Britney awoke in a tizzy. She had had one of '08's new phenomenon's; an enviro-nightmare, but this one was different, the robots had fallen in love. Their circuit boards a twitter, the robots would have to find a way to express their fondness through a series of bleeps and other traditional computer sounds, this was to be a love story like no other. Pixar was contacted, the rest is history.

Russel Crowe hits cartoon character - "He was giffin' me off so I snookered him in the crimmit." explained the Australian. Crowe was dismayed though upon news the loveable character was female, "Bloody timbit, I never would've pintered it, had I known 'twas a maimie."

Rise of the prance party - NYC - Picture a dimly lit club in SOHO, partygoers sweat off the July heat, a frenzy ensues, but there's no dancing. The kids of today are prancing. NY's hottest prance dj, Sleazy Peasant, explains; "The kids want to move but they don't always want to dance. Before you could either not move or dance, or sort of move your arms I guess. Now we prance, we prance to the music."

"I love that little robot." - Britney

MOVIES

I only watched three films this year (other than Wall-E, which transcends film). They are the best three films.

Iron Man - A movie star played in a superhero film then died of a drug overdose and it wasn't Robert Downey Jr.

Batman - I'm really surprised no one's talking about Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker. when Ledger wins his posthumous Oscar, I propose it be accepted by Jack Nicholson, the real Joker. Here's how his speech would go: "I shaved my goddamn head bald to play a cancer patient and all this dingo riding hop-scotcher had to do was play the same part I played twenty years ago? I'm keeping this. A lot of that hair ain't coming back you know."

Twilight - In a year that was bloated with the overhyping of global warming, full blown pop culture phenomenon Twilight sent an important political message about the dangers of iron deficient teenagers. We need to get moving on this one Mr. Obama.

TELEVISION

I kept meaning to watch The Hills, but I really want to read the book first.

MUSIC

Album of The Year - 808's & Heartbreak - I was severely touched by Kanye West's homage to his late mother. The message is clear you dear sweet man, you're too broken up to make tolerable music anymore. Bless your soul.

Also anything by Vampire Weekend, obviously.

TOM HENRY '08

My personal triumphs and failures

Rocket Science - I thought about becoming an astronaut then quickly decided not to, in hopes of not offending gravity. Gravity is one of the worst enemies to have, gravity and the ghosts of flies.

Beef Patties - The beef patties were being overheated at the corner store this year.

Music career - With the help of my macbook, I can now record purposely bad but hopefully good music.

Beef Patty resembling TV's Jay Leno

THINGS TO WATCH FOR IN '09

Greg Kinnear

Thanks a million to everyone who came here in '08. '09's gonna be crazy here on this blog, so stay tuned, and tell your friends (If they're cool).

Yours inevitably,

Tom (d) Henry

Christmas Is Over, We Can Laugh Again

2008-12-25T23:17:00.000-08:00

What did the guy who needed some milk but not a ton but a good amount say to the store clerk?

Take me to your litre.

- Joke by Zach Braff

Scrubs star and modern day auteur Zach Braff mailed me this joke for Christmas. This is a transcript of my thankyou phonecall.

Ring.

Receptionist: Hello, Zach Braff's receptionist speaking.

Tom: Hi, with whom am I speaking?

Receptionist: This is Lynn.

Tom: Hi Lynn, is Zach in?

Lynn: He's in rehearsal right now.

Tom: That can be paused right?

(Zach yells in the background.)

Zach: Hello, Zach Braff here.

Tom: Zach, Tom Henry here.

Zach: Tom. Wow. Hey.

Tom: I'm calling about your joke. What are you rehearsing for?

Zach: I'm starring in the Alanis Morrisette bio-pic. I've been living in a stable for research.

Tom: You directing too?

Zach: Of course.

Tom: I keep trying to tell people Garden State was a good film, but they won't believe me.

Zach: What can you do? People want to criticize without even watching the movie.

Tom: No, they watched it.

Zach:...

Tom: Listen, the joke, I liked it.

Zach: Yeah?!

Tom: It was clever, I always knew that tall hair set you apart a bit.

Zach: I've actually been tucking it behind my ears lately.

Tom: Text me that look, ok?

Zach: Ok.

Tom: You sent me the joke for Christmas, and I was wondering if it's a Christmas joke.

Zach: To me it is, my holidays back home sort of revolve around dairy.

Tom: Egg nog, fine cheese, pie topping...

Zach: Yeah, and a lot of just straight milk drinking.

Tom: You grow out of babyhood, and you stop drinking your own species milk and venture in to other species. I'm not jewish but as a right of passage when I turned thirteen, I drank a glass of goat's milk.

Zach: Did you feel like a man?

Tom: I felt like a goat.

Zach: ...

Tom: Do you wanna know what my holidays revolve around?

Zach: What?

Tom: I dunno, goddamn friends, family. Not milk.

Zach: Mm.

Tom: Clive Owen came over this year, he said it was a laugh.

Zach: I'm a big fan of his.

Tom: I think he would've said it was a great laugh, but that's not really a Britishism is it?

Zach: I'm from New Jersey.

Tom: Anyway, I thank you for the joke, and as a Christmas offering, I'd like to impart to you some wisdom.

Zach: Great. Lemme get a pen.

Tom: I once learnt a lesson from trying to eat thirty grapefruits.

Zach: ...? (signifying an air of curiousity)

Tom: Grapefruits and grapes aren't interchangeable.

Zach: Thanks.

Tom: I could have learnt the same lesson by eating one grape slowly.

Zach: Hm.

Tom: I'm gonna let you go ZB, will I see you at my annual New Years Eve party on the Mason Dixon line?

Zach: You bet.

Tom: Great, ciao.

Phone hangs up with the help of human hand(s).

*For Lulu. I've never had such a good use for a wall, even when it was keeping me safe from the rest of the animals.

( No more dedications for a while, I promise.)

-------------------------

Also, I snuck my way into this interview with the talented Slim Twig by the talented Ben Dugas. Check it out if you know what's good for ya. No Ones Laughing But you - Slim Twig

Pulp Fiction Redux

2008-12-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

I was reading my Pulp fiction screenplay (as I do) when I realized that it was missing one thing - me. So I rewrote the entire film with Tom Henry as an intricate character weaving in and out of each storyline . This; however, proved a challenge as out of respect for QT (Quentin Tarantino) I have not touched or added a single line of dialogue or direction for the other characters. I think it turned out great and am keeping my fingers crossed that Quentin will reshoot, despite the evident bloating of John Travolta.

If anyone reading, for some reason, doesn't know me and is having trouble picturing this, you can buy me lunch to better understand this scene. If anyone hasn't seen Pulp Fiction, I will give you my copy in exchange for lunch.

So, this is the scene where a troubled Vincent takes an overdosing Mia to drug dealer Lance's house, much to the chagrin of Lance and his quarrelsome life-mate Jody.

This one's for me mum, the screenwriter, happy birfday.

28. INT. LANCE'S HOUSE - NIGHT 28.

WE START in Lance's and Jody's bedroom.

Jody, in bed, throws off the covers and stands up. She's wearing a long tee-shirt with a picture of Fred Flintstone on it.

We follow HANDHELD behind her as she opens the door, walking through the hall into the living room.

JODY
It's only one-thirty in the goddamn
mornin'! What the fuck's goin' on
out here?

As she walks in the living room, she sees Vincent and Lance standing over Mia, who's lying on the floor in the middle of the room.

From here on in, everything in this scene is frantic, like a

DOCUMENTARY in an emergency ward, with the big difference here being nobody knows what the fuck they're doing.

   JODY
Who's she?

Lance looks up at Jody.

   LANCE
Get that black box in the bedroom I
have with the adrenalin shot.

   JODY
What's wrong with her?

   VINCENT
She's O.D.ing on us.

JODY
Well get her the hell outta here!

   LANCE AND VINCENT
(in stereo)
Get the fuckin' shot!

   JODY
Don't yell at me!

She angrily turns and disappears into the bedroom looking for the shot. Just then Tom Henry walks through the door, he is GENTLEMANLY and has great EYELASHES. The camera becomes strangely attracted to him.

TOM

Woah, what's her problem? I bought

one of those frozen macaronis, can

someone preheat the oven?!

VINCENT
(to Lance)
You two are a match made in heaven.

TOM

Oh nice wisecrack Vincent. I see

you're still sporting a ponytail,

that's cool.

   LANCE
Look, just keep talkin' to her,
okay? While she's gettin' the
shot, I gotta get a medical book.

   VINCENT
What do you need a medical book
for?

   LANCE
To tell me how to do it. I've
never given an adrenalin shot
before.

   VINCENT
You've had that thing for six years
and you never used it?

TOM

Yo Vince, maybe if you weren't always

joy-poppin' with bubble gummers, this

wouldn't have happened.

LANCE
I never had to use it. I don't go
joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers,
all of my friends can handle their
highs!

TOM

Exactly what I said.

   VINCENT
Well then get it.

   LANCE
I am, if you'll let me.

   VINCENT
I'm not fuckin' stoppin' you.

LANCE
Stop talkin' to me, and start
talkin' to her.

TOM

Look, while you guys are bickering,

I'll talk to her ok?

Tom turns to Mia, she is in pretty rough shape. He begins to speak gently.

TOM

Hey darlin', not feelin' so hot are

we? Have you guys tried like giving

her some water yet? Cammomile?

WE FOLLOW Lance as he runs out of the living room into a...

29. SPARE ROOM 29.
with a bunch of junk in it. He frantically starts scanning
the junk for the book he's looking for, repeating the words,
"Come on," endlessly.

From OFF SCREEN we hear:

VINCENT (OS)
Hurry up man! We're losin' her!

LANCE
(calling back)
I'm looking as fast as I can!

Tom enters the room. Lance continues his frenzied search.

TOM

Hey look, Lancelot, I came by cause

I felt real shitty about earlier, I

didn't mean you weren't a good singer

ever, I just was trying to watch a TV

show. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled.

WE HEAR Jody in the living room now as she talks to Vincent.

JODY (OS)
What's he lookin' for?

VINCENT (OS)
I dunno, some medical book.

Jody calls to Lance.

JODY (OS)
What are you lookin' for?

LANCE
My black medical book!

TOM

Snoopy much? Anyway, listen, I think

you're a pretty good singer, and if

you wanna continue down that path

I'll support you. Just not during

Friends right?!

Tom gives Lance a few playful punches.

As he continues searching, flipping and knocking over shit, Jody appears in the doorway.

JODY
What are you looking for?

TOM

Kinda in the middle of something here

Jode. You already asked that twice anyway.

LANCE

My black fuckin' medical book.

It's like a text book they give to
nurses.

JODY
I never saw a medical book.

TOM

Yeah, obviously Jody, most of us don't

just see medical books around.

LANCE
Trust me, I have one.

JODY
Well if it's that important, why
didn't you keep it with the shot?

Lance spins toward her.

LANCE
I don't know! Stop bothering me!

JODY
While you're lookin' for it, that
girl's gonna die on our carpet.
You're never gonna find it in all
this shit. For six months now,
I've been telling you to clean this
room --

TOM

Jody, I know you're upset, because I

returned Turner and Hooch before you

could watch it, but I wish you wouldn't

take it out on Lance.

VINCENT (OS)
-- get your ass in here, fuck the
book!

Lance angrily knocks over a pile of shit and leaves the SHOT heading for the living room. Tom begins to stack the pile of shit back up.

TOM

You should watch it sometime though,

it's really good.

30. LIVING ROOM 30.
Vincent is bent over Mia, talking softly to her, when Lance reenters the room.

VINCENT
Quit fuckin' around man and give
her the shot!

Lance bends down by the black case brought in by Jody. He opens it and begins preparing the needle for injection. Tom reenters the room.

TOM

So look, I bought this macaroni, you

know, sorta like a peace offering.

LANCE
While I'm doing this, take her
shirt off and find her heart.

Vince rips her blouse open.

Jody stumbles back in the room, hanging back from the action.

TOM

It's got four kinds of cheese, and

I don't even mind making it but I

can never figure out your oven and...

VINCENT
Does it have to be exact?

LANCE
Yeah, it has to be exact! I'm
giving her an injection in the
heart, so I gotta exactly hit her
in the heart.

TOM

That sounds like a song, eh Lance? I

gotta exactly hit her in the heart

by Sir Lancelot the man!

VINCENT
Well, I don't know exactly where
her heart is, I think it's here.

Vince points to Mia's right breast. Lance glances over and nods.

LANCE
That's it.

TOM

Yeah, that's it.

As Lance readies the injection, Vincent looks up at Jody.

TOM

Don't look at her like that man.

VINCENT
I need a big fat magic marker, got
one?

JODY
What?

VINCENT
I need a big fat magic marker, any
felt pen'll do, but a magic marker
would be great.

JODY
Hold on.

Jody runs to the desk, opens the top drawer and, in her enthusiasm, she pulls the drawer out of the desk, the contents of which (bills, papers, pens) spill to the floor.

The injection is ready. Lance hands Vincent the needle.

LANCE
It's ready, I'll tell you what to
do.

VINCENT
You're gonna give her the shot.

LANCE
No, you're gonna give her the shot.

TOM

I'll do it.

VINCENT
I've never done this before.

LANCE
I've never done this before either,
and I ain't starting now. You
brought 'er here, that means you
give her the shot. The day I bring
an O.D.ing bitch to your place,
then I gotta give her the shot.

TOM

Jeez, I said I'd do it. Fine whatever.

Jody hurriedly joins them in the huddle, a big fat red magic marker in her hand.

JODY
Got it.

Vincent grabs the magic marker out of Jody's hand and makes a big red dot in Mia's body where her heart is.

VINCENT
Okay, what do I do?

LANCE
Well, you're giving her an
injection of adrenalin straight to
her heart. But she's got a breast
plate in front of her heart, so you
gotta pierce through that. So what
you gotta do is bring the needle
down in a stabbing motion.

Lance demonstrates a stabbing motion, which looks like "The Shape" killing its victims in "HALLOWEEN."

TOM

Hey Lance you looked kind of

like "the shape" killing it's

victims in Halloween.

VINCENT
I gotta stab her?

TOM

Yeah, stab her. What's the big

deal?

LANCE
If you want the needle to pierce
through to her heart, you gotta
stab her hard. Then once you do,
push down on the plunger.

VINCENT
What happens after that?

LANCE
I'm curious about that myself.

VINCENT
This ain't a fuckin' joke man!

LANCE
She's supposed to come out of it
like --
(snaps his fingers)
-- that.

Vincent lifts the needle up above his head in a stabbing motion. He looks down on Mia.

Mia is fading fast. Soon nothing will help her.

Vincent's eyes narrow, ready to do this.

TOM

Shouldn't be a problem.

VINCENT
Count to three.

Lance, on his knees right beside Vincent, does not know what to expect.

LANCE
One...

RED DOT on Mia's body.

Needle raised ready to strike.

LANCE (OS)
...two...

Jody's face is alive with anticipation. Tom's face is bored, he fixes his hair in the mirror.

NEEDLE in the air, poised like a rattler ready to strike.

LANCE (OS)
...three!

The needle leaves frame, THRUSTING down hard.

Vincent brings the needle down hard, STABBING Mia in the chest.

Mia's head is JOLTED from the impact.

The syringe plunger is pushed down, PUMPING the adrenalin out through the needle.

Mia's eyes POP WIDE OPEN and she lets out a HELLISH cry of the banshee. She BOLTS UP in a sitting position, needle stuck in her chest -- SCREAMING.

Vincent, Lance and Jody, who were in sitting positions in front of Mia, JUMP BACK, scared to death.

Mia's scream runs out. She slowly starts taking breaths of air.

TOM

Uhh, ever heard of neighbours?

The other three, now scooted halfway across the room, shaken to their bones, look to see if she's alright.

LANCE
If you're okay, say something.

Mia, still breathing, not looking up at them, says in a relatively normal voice.

MIA
Something.

Tom laughs.

TOM

I love that. That's like when someone's

pouring me a drink and they say, say

when, so I say the actual word "when"

instead of like now or that's enough.

Vincent and Lance collapse on their backs, exhausted and shaking from how close to death Mia came.

JODY
Anybody want a beer?

TOM

Yeah, that'd be cool.

A Melange of Sorts

2008-12-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

Hello friends. This has been my longest hiatus on the blog thus far. I had a bout of insomnia and general apathy. Along the way i tried to write a number of pieces but finished none successfully. These were the subjects:

Letters, and writing them

An Interview with Jason Statham

Some mean spirited jokes about Seth Rogen

Casper the Friendly Ghost

Trees as celebrities and vice versa

A review of the film Twilight without having seen it.

Today's youth

In my never say die spirit, I've decided to combine them all. This one is dedicated to my mainest daimie Slim Twig, who is held up in a beige room somewhere in New Brunswick.

Dear Casper the Friendly Ghost,

I'm writing to you in the midst of a fit of boredom, as I am in the middle of being interviewed by action film star and British man, Jason Statham of Guy Ritchie fame. Allow me to apologize if parts of the interview subconciously seep into this correspondence.

I'm afraid I'm writing to you with a heavy heart, having to be the bearer of bad news. Unfortunately, though you are friendly, you still are very scary. While most people, if generally pleasant, are not met with fear, I'm afraid you have been dealt a bad hand; you're a ghost...

...Jason Statham: Oi, Tom, allo allo.

Tom Henry: Hi Jason, it's great to see you, as always.

JS: We've been friends for a long time.

TH: Yes. I'm a great fan of your post-Guy Ritchie work. You've matured vastly.

JS: Fanks mate. Last time I saw you, you were in London and we co-hosted a guacamole party.

TH: You and I were on a team together, and I believe we came in second because the other team used real garlic.

JS: Fuckin' 'ell, you're right. I quite like garlic powder though.

TH: GP.

JS : Wuh?

TH: Garlic Powder...

Sorry Casper, I drifted off there. Celebrities are so boring to be interviewed by. Statham's a good man though, built like a tree. Speaking of trees and celebrities, if trees were celebrities, paper would be perverse. If celebrities were trees, trees would walk around with an unfounded sense of self satisfaction. Nature photographers would start driving into them. I don't mean to stray, I just have celebrity/tree role reversal on the mind; I'm planning a remake of Freaky Friday, with a tree in the place of Lindsay Lohan and a real celebrity in the place of Jamie Lee Curtis.

Moving on, let's get straight to the point. Among other things, I'm somewhat of an expert at the art of image consultation. Here's a few "brainstorms" (industry term).

1. Start a ghost-seeing business - People like scary, they just don't like to be startled, just ask Seth Rogen's mirror. The current popularity of scary is highlighted in this hit movie review I wrote of the full blown pop culture phenomenon, Twilight:

Twilight is a film about teenager/vampires who fall in love, presumably. The mainest actor is an Englishman, but not in the film. He has good hair and likes to climb trees. He runs at least once in this picture. His cheekbones are well defined, but be warned, actors in major motion pictures are usually wearing makeup.

... Jason Statham: You mentioned Guy Ritchie earlier, have you met him?

Tom Henry: Him and Madonna actually asked me to be godfather of their child, but then decided against my spiritual guidance.

JS: What happened?

TH: Well, I believe in an eighth chakra, I don't think they were ready for that.

JS: Did you resent that?

TH: Not at all, they ended up making me godfather of their film, Swept Away.

JS: That film had a rough go, didn't it?

TH: Underrated in a lot of ways, I think.

JS: Me too, I love Guy, he's my rock.

TH: Me too...

Casp, sorry, I'm back.

2. Be less friendly - They say girls like jerks, just ask Seth Rogen (I heard he's a really nice guy)

I heard they're making a sort of encouragement club for people with little talent but unusually lofty aspirations. It's called Seth Rogen films. Frat and twelve year old boys welcome (I told you they were mean spirited). Sorry Casper, that had little relevance in this letter, it almost seems as though I'm not taking your problem seriously, please disregard this inperturbability.

Jason Statham: I punched a paparazzi man once, you ever done that?

Tom Henry: I don't believe in violence to humans.

JS: Very wise, man.

TH: When a human angers me, I punch my goldfish when I get home, they have very short memory.

JS: Is it hard to punch in the water?

TH: I'm very strong, so...

JS: We've worked out together, you're my favourite work out mate.

TH: Thanks, you're in my top twelve.

JS: I'd be honoured with even spot seven or eight.

TH: I probably would have said top ten, if you weren't spot eleven or twelve...

...Friendly ghost, one last tip.

3. Get a tan - Just kidding. I imagine quantum physics causes the sun to go right through your entity. Another bad break.

I wish you all the best and hope you decide to contact me, if you are for whatever reason, not able to enter this realm of existence, I will get in touch with you after the next Harry Potter movie teaches me how, I'm assuming.

Yours inevitably,

Tom Henry

p.s. The youth of today love Britney Spears Toxic and aren't afraid to admit it.

The Dinner Party

2008-11-18T00:59:00.000-08:00

This is a short story I wrote entitled The Dinner Party. It's told from the P.O.V. of a girl in her early twenties trying to find her way in the world. It has won several major contests and is being published in my book of short stories; 'Short Films I Almost Made But Couldn't Convey What The Characters Were Thinking In Their Head'.

"Hi, is that Ellen?"
"Yeah, hello?"
"Hey Ellen, it's Casey, listen me and my roomates are having a dinner party tonight."
"Oh I will be there, I love that kind of thing, like no t.v. or anything."
"Yeah totally, so bring like some wine if you want, and... yeah."
"I have a few organic beers left from New Years."
"Great, cool."

We sat around the table that night. Casey had made a really nice Mexican dish, she had just got back from a life-changing three weeks in Venezuela. "It's this dance they do." We all laughed; it was funny to see her move that way, but also so beautiful. Mazie had just returned from India, and the two shared a lot of the same experiences. They both fell in love with the people. Mazie told us lots of nice stories about the smiles on the children's faces. It wasn't an easy trip, but that's what made it so rewarding. Nick was joking around a lot - as usual. Last time I saw him was halloween, he had curled his moustache and kept coming up to us and saying the most random things. I don't know why it was so funny, but it was.

We all sat there and we laughed and talked, and for a minute we could all forget. Marq remarked that we all looked so happy, I piped in that it must have been because of the banana bread. I was kind of kidding, but it was really good, and I wanted Kris to know that I really enjoyed it. He had used apricot and water in place of the eggs. Not even because he was a vegan, he said, but because his canvas bag was full of groceries and he couldn't fit the eggs, and he sure wasn't gonna use plastic. Those were his words, it was really cool to be around people who were really thinking for a change.
We were all feeling pretty loose from the red wine and we decided to turn this dinner party into a dance party. Charlie was an official vinyl nut and we listened to some really great old tunes, like real Bob Dylan sounding stuff. Marcy and Tim were doing some of the swing dances they had learnt (they took lessons on a whim), and Casey showed us some more of her great new South American dance. Nick was doing this like Nineteen-nineties rap dance, it was really funny but actually also really good. I was just trying to not make a fool out of myself; earlier I had admitted that my shirt was from Club Monaco, and I didn't want to make another mistake. I loved thrift clothes and usually got them, I don't know what I was thinking!
Later, I sat outside with Peter as he had a smoke. I could tell Peter had a dark side by his full beard, it's not like he didn't laugh, but he had a lot going on, I think. He looked into the night and said; "You know Ellen, things can get pretty fucked up." He was right, but tonight we could drink and dance and eat and come together - at the dinner party.

-The Dinner Party, by Tom Henry, 2008

Hanks Canvases

2008-11-16T23:52:00.000-08:00

Some real writing soon. Thanks for visiting.

I Love This Guy!

2008-11-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

Haha! I love this guy! I can't believe he put that toy baby on his shoulder! I wish normal guys like him could be famous stars.

Oh, he is? Oh.

Cleanse my pallet please.

Thank god.

A Look Back at '04

2008-11-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been feeling really nostalgic about the year 2004. Being only five back then, I felt it important to look back as a nine year old.

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple, which sounds crazy, but is actually the most reasonable fruit to be named after. I propose the next fruit discovered be named Jessica. I propose the next animal discovered be named Human, just to hedge our bets.

Lord of the Rings wins a record-tying eleven Oscars, proving that movies are better than books.

Lance Armstrong wins an unprecedented sixth Tour De France, then talks about bikes alot, his friends get bored.

In Oslo armed robbers steal Munch's The Scream, sighting shitty movies as their inspiration.

The United Nations release a report blaming Sudan for crimes against humanity in Darfur, which quickly diffuses the situation.

It is announced that the Montreal Expos will relocate to Washington, four French Canadians cry, then continue growing their moustaches.

Brazil successfully launches it's first rocket into space, which is good?

North Korea bans cell phones, giving it the lowest deuche bag ratio in the world, but resulting in many failed brunch.

The Confusing Beach Towel

2008-11-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

A picture I made (drew)

*For pricing inquiries think of the highest number in your head.

Music

2008-10-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

Greg Howe once stated, "If musicians are athletes, the session cats are the Olympic hopefuls." -Greg Howe

"Mention the name Greg Howe to an aficionado of contemporary electric guitar music and aural visions of smooth legato runs, wah-laden solos and funky, syncopated rhythms will run through his or her head." -Modern Guitars Magazine

"If musicians were athletes, they probably wouldn't be very good at sports." -Tom Henry

"They should have realized they weren't athletes when they were getting their asses kicked by athletes." -Tom Henry

"Listen musicians, if you want to stay home and put on your Ella Fitzgerald record, and scour your fret board for the sweetest sounding riffs, that's your own business, but stay out of my local ice rink/badminton court." -Tom Henry

Q: What's your issue with the nation's musicians?

A: Don't you get it?! they want all our fastest women and smoothest times. I just couldn't stand by any longer, call me a patriot.

Q: Have you ever took part in music?

A: Up live, or on my stereo?

Q: Either.

A: Of course not, I don't even own a stereo.

Q: And not up live?

A: Did you go to school for this? I'm finding you amateurish.

Q: I just wanted you to clarify.

A: Next question please.

Q: Do you have any message for Greg Howe?

A: Hey Howe, can it. You don't know what you're talking about.

Q: Anything else?

A: Yeah, next time you want a crescendo, I'll give you a lesson on relative loudness, using my index and middle fingers and your eyeballs.

-Tom Henry as interviewed by Modern Guitars Magazine, 2008.

Greg Howe

Tom Henry

-Photos by Greg Howe and Tom Henry's moms, respectively.

A Few Quick Letters

2008-10-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

Dear artistc types,

Hair cuts are supposed to make you look less dumb, not more dumb.

Dear firefighters,

Your apparent lack of common sense is a gift to us all.

Dear actors,

The world needs you, keep up the good work.

Dear poets,

You're not as cute as you think.

Dear god,

If you're so good, how come no one wants to meet you? Everyone wants to meet George Clooney.

Dear George Clooney,

Can I meet you?

Dear self,

You're so clever, I look forward to getting to know you better.

Dear fruit,

You obviously don't care about survival very much. Some kids don't like you, was that your plan?

Dear internet,

Everyone bad mouths you, but then uses you anyway. You're the annoying rich kid of planet earth.

Dear bones,

You really know how to get under my skin.

Dear jocks,

It's not that you're assholes, it's just that you're fuck heads.

Dear space aliens,

What kind of good meat do you have? We're all a little tired of chicken. Also, what kind of vegan carrot cake replacements do you have? Our's all taste like shit. "Can you believe the icing's made of tofu?" Yes.

Dear death,

Why so final? Loosen up a little, take 'er easy.

Dear America,

Electing Barack Obama will only make up for Richard Gere.

Yours truly,

Tom Henry

Hanks' & Fruit Juice

2008-10-20T07:58:00.001-07:00

Tom Hanks, America's favourite son, has been drinking plenty of fruit juice as he stays in the race for the White House. His actions are an immediate reaction to a new German study examining the complex relationship between fruit and man. When he heard of the study Hanks acted fast, hiring celebrity chef Bobby Flay as his personal juice coach. His biggest challenge, Flay admits has been getting him off his morning orange juice. Hanks admits to his love of the sweet Florida treat; "You can move me to a pear or guava for lunch, but I won't start the day without a tall g. of o.j."
   Once known for his blistering good looks Hanks admits he's shifted focuses; "I'd like to live forever, and if there's anything to Dr. Kleinhen's work on the taste paradox, I'd like to be in on the ground floor." Hanks admits to an alterior motive; "I'd really like my son, Colin Hanks to be as seasoned an actor as I, before I share a film screen with him, that could take a while." Hanks goes on; "Colin doesn't like fruit juice so I've been spraying it around his mouth with a super soaker, he knows I'm his dad, and if I could give him all the talent in the world, I would."
   Colin admits his father is a tough critic; "When my dad, Tom Hanks, started on to this fruit juice thing, I knew there probably was something to it, he's an actor like I'm trying to be, and I respect that. I'm just a lot more in to things like soda. I'm a kid, I like soda and potato chips." Hanks (Colin) admits when matriarchal figure and fellow actor Rita Wilson stepped in, he was intrigued. "She had been making smoothies on her new blender, and one day she walked in to the room and said look, what if we threw some fruit juice in with your favourite soda?" Colin admits he wasn't so sure; "I definitely had a good laugh, I said Rita (step-mom), I would never hear the end of it if my friends found fruit juice in my soda!"
   Tom Hanks fought back tears as he weighed in with one final admission; "Colin's a kid and we love him, but I wish he'd take acting a little more seriously. No one knows what awaits us in the great beyond, but will there be acting? This may be your one chance to act son, and I'd like you to put aye and bee together, make sure you spell the words A and B please."

Tom with first love Mimi Rogers

Tom and Colin sport scarves

Hubble Images

2008-10-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

-Images taken from the Hubble telescope.

Kelsey Grammer was initially understood as a nova eruption. The reason for the outburst has not been understood yet, but several theories have already been defined, such as an eruption related to stellar death processes and a merger of a binary star or planets. This image is in my list of top ten Hubble images of all time because it is so beautiful. It is simply an awesome picture.

"Kelsey Grammer ditches beard for new Frasier show" -The News

Q: I see you've ditched your beard for your new Frasier spin off.

A: I hadn't really thought of that.

Q: If you transform into a black hole, what will be the physical properties of our death?

A: I'm not quite sure of the specifics, it may very well be painless, I'm not sure if it even will count as death.

Q: Who are you voting for?

A: I wish I could vote for my old bartender on Cheers, Sam Malone, portrayed by Ted Danson.

Watch Frasier Tuesdays.

-TV Guide

**********************$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$*************************
click the money honey

Halifax and John

2008-10-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

This is a two part blog.

Part 1: Halifax (A Brief Overview)

Everyone has a beard (even the women).

There's a lot of great dance parties. "It's not a big party, but it's a good party, it's kind of a dance party." -actual quote

There's a lot of dinner parties, though I refuse to call anything a party where dishes need to be done. More like a dinner with more people than usual. (and attempted witty banter)

I saw many people excitedly take pictures next to a giant anchor. Were they normally landlocked and had never seen one, or were they intrigued by the symbolism?

There's a lot of hills. Hills are like large objects, people are never happy when walking up or carrying them. There's no fairness to hills, they're hard to walk up and annoying to walk down. Escalators eliminate the politics of slope.

I saw a woman wearing camoflage pants peeing in a shrub, it was the best use of camouflage pants I ever saw. Once they come up with camouflage smell pants, there'll be no more need for shrubs.

I've met a lot of art students, none of them seem to like art very much. Is art the new math?

I put newly purchased baby powder in my hair in a Starbucks bathroom, intrigued?

Part 2: John (Jonny)

I don't usually tackle American politics, but my friend John McCain has been taking a lot of heat from the liberal media, so I'd just like to clear a few things up. Remember, we're all his friends, he says so.

When John said 'that one' he was referring to Barack Obama's chair, not the man himself. He just can't point his arm that far down, let's not punish him for that. It wasn't racist or disrespectful, he hates chairs, they make him sore.

When John addressed everyone as his fellow prisoners it wasn't a terrifying Orwellesque slip, it was a compliment. John has been venerated for being a prisoner, it's the only compliment he knows. Now you wanna get all over the man's jock for a little bit of flattery? I guess chivalry really is dead. If he ever calls you a crazy old man, you're really in his good books.

Look, I think what I'm really trying to say here is that Barack Obama is a terrorist. Let me tell you a sobering story; I once ate an Obama cupcake and it was delicious, but have you any idea what those kinds of refined sugars might do to me in the long term? Let's get real. Vote McCain.

Today

2008-09-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement."
-Charles M. Schultz

The World is large, there are many things happening today, here are a few.

A balding man looks at his receding hairline and that stresses him out, and then it recedes a little more.

An intelligent rock star watches Jeopardy really loud, then whales out answers like; “What is the eukaryotic cell!”

Paul Newman’s wife begins work on a brand of lettuce, so that they can be together forever.

A soccer player plays baseball with his feet, to practice his foot work, and to show off.

A man grows an ironic moustache, then realizes it makes his upper lip look much better, it no longer is ironic.

A pair of friends realize that tic tac toe is a stupid game.

A leaf wonders what it can do with it’s veins, so it injects heroin, then it doesn’t feel so flat.

A boy makes fun of David Blaine, then disappears forever.

A chess master’s wife leaves him for treating her like a pawn. He silently shakes his head, she doesn’t realize that the pawn’s the most important piece.

A tree gets jealous when a hippie hugs a human.

A boy whistles to a bird outside his window, it starts talking gibberish back to him.

A woman moves to a square town and becomes a real estate mogul. She thanks Monopoly for her success.

An ambitious young filmmaker makes a film about a puzzle champion that can’t put his life back together. It’s almost as good as Garden State.

A Guy Named Marlon

2008-09-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

This is my first, and probably last, blog by request. A young man, Marlon Arscott, last night sheepishly asked me if I would gain him some exposure by writing a blog about him. My first instinct was to say no, but I just couldn't let the little guy down. His only stipulation was that it not be a negative piece, needless to say, I suffered my first ever bout of writers block. (Ziiiing) Later, I would discuss the environment with two blonde friends.

Marlon and I both grew up in the mean streets of the Bain Projects. We both still reside there in order to 'keep it real' and to enjoy the gardens. Marlon being a few years older than I, was a member of the notorious 'Bain Boys' (or as I knew them, 'the teenagers') who congregated on the rough and tumble corner of Bain and Logan (East Central) The Bain Boys would smoke, drink, eat chips, you name it.
Later, the Bain Boys would disband and Marlon would get glasses. One day my sister informed me that she had worked with him (selling diapers, I assume) and he was a cool guy.* I said; "What, that gang banger?" But, apparently, the glasses had changed him, Marlon now enjoyed music, film and had learnt to laugh. Marlon never talks about those dark days anymore, and no one dare ask. He now belongs to Toronto's blooming improv comedy scene, if you see him around, ask him to pretend to be an animal of some sort.

*My sister also thinks Brendan Fraser is cool.

Here are a few other things I know about Marlon:

He likes polka dots.

His favourite movies are Wall-E, and this film that's like City of God, only better.

He's been to Vancouver, Paris and Barcelona.

He has some attractive friends.

He enjoys television, and sometimes sells air conditioners.

I imagine he's ok at dancing.

He doesn't like to smoke cigars, if he's got to kiss girls later.

That's about it, If anyone wants Marlon's phone number, I don't have it, but I could probably get it for you.

Marlon and the ever intimidating Bain Boys, Marlon is the one with someones arm around him.

Marlon (top left) with his improv troupe. So many funny faces at once.

Interview

2008-09-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

I recently was interviewed by Annie Liebowitz. Here it is ---

The first time I met Tom Henry, I was at one of Bridget Fonda's famous red rover parties. Tom opted not to play, instead he sat in the corner waxing poetic with the catering, his eyes fiery and nostrils flaring he acted out his fondest memories of an episode of Frasier he had recently caught. Once I had worked up the courage to talk to him, he had left. Fonda (Bridget) would later tell me of her first meeting with Tom Henry. They were introduced by a mutual friend in a park.
Seven years later I approached him about doing a series of interviews, he agreed to one, this is that one.

Annie Liebowitz: I'm a great fan of yours.

Tom Henry: And yours, I am of you. You take beautiful pictures.

AL: What do you think is the difference between what I do and what you do?

TH: Nothing, there's no difference.

AL: Care to elaborate?

TH The words are escaping me right now.

AL: Is that a play on words?

TH: I suppose it's a personification of some sort.

AL: When was your last haircut?

TH: As a visual person, you know the importance of a fresh lid switch. About three or four months ago.

AL: I thought you said it was important?

TH: It's equally important in absence.

AL: You used to garden as a job, what's your favourite gardening tool?

TH: Rake.

AL: Haha!

TH: No Annie, that's not just a joke. Rakes have a beauty to them because they remove the unwanted without too much harming the wanted, and I think that's what I do in a lot of ways.

AL: That's true isn't it?

TH: Yes.

AL: What inspires you?

TH: Inspiration itself is inspiring.

AL: What else?

TH: My kids when they wake up in the morning.

AL: I didn't know you had children.

TH: Well, they're adopted.

AL: So, not really.

TH: Right.

AL: What's the last movie you truly appreciated?

TH: Do you mean film?

AL: Yes.

TH: Have you seen the Cheers film?

AL: No, I've never heard of it.

TH: It's a cult classic

AL: Wh...

TH: At least in my cult, we really enjoy it.

AL: Will you ever consider posing for me?

TH: If you use digital, I won't, also if you use film, I won't.

AL: Is that a no?

TH: Don't try and draw me and call it a photo.

AL: Tom Henry, thanks for your time.

TH: In buddhism, there are no goodbyes, but I'm not buddhist, how 'bout a hug.

(hug)

by Annie Liebowitz 2008

Too Many Ritz

2008-09-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in about a week, CTV is showing Desparate Housewives from the beginning. This is a video of my brother eating soup, it's somewhat grotesque. It's not meant to be in widescreen that was a mistake. I'm putting some writing up probably by tomorrow.

NYC (Excerpt 2)

2008-09-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I live in New York two weeks out of the year (I'm actually just visiting Toronto right now) and I'm really inspired by her (New York). So, last fall I set out to write a truly authentic New York novel, because I don't think anyone has really portrayed what it's really like to be there, and I felt that I needed to share that. It's called 'The Real New York, A Love Letter' and this excerpt is also being published in The New Yorker. Enjoy

Manhattan was a great bustling metropolis, the streets were alive in the lower east side that day. The rats skittered into the sewers which probably led to an L train. The air was thick as it drifted down from the Bowery, where the punks and skids were riding on skateboards. Today I had to take a New York transit authority bus up to Columbus ave. Oh, how I dreaded the upper west side and their pretention. I thought to myself, I'd much rather be in SOHO, buying neat sunglasses and things, but I had to meet Jenny who was working for Donald Trump that summer.
Jenny was a true Brooklynite. I met her thrift shopping on Bedford (which is in Williamsburgh (which is in Brooklyn)) She told me all about how her dad used to take her to a New York Knicks game or for Chinese food, in the Chinatown area. She was one tough babe, she had even been to Harlem to catch some jazz music, and her legs were one tall drink of water. Petey was her brother he was always up for a good game of stickball over in Hell's Kitchen. I was eating a street hot dog...

-The Real New York, A Love Letter by Tom Henry

23

2008-09-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

As I prepare to turn twenty-three years of age, I can think of only one man, number 23, Michael Jordan. It seemed only right that I create a mash-up version of our Wikipedia biography to highlight our similarities and achievements. Wikipedia has rejected it, and if you're interested in righting this wrong, I'll be sending out a petition, which also denounces Barack Obama as a legitimate candidate for president.

Michael Jeffrey Jordan (born February 17, 1963) is a retired American professional basketball player and active businessman. Thomas Dean Henry (born September 3, 1985) is a young man and is active in some ways in a relative sort of way. Both men have three first names as many substitute teachers have quipped. Jordan’s biography on the National Basketball Association (NBA) website states, "By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time."[1] Henry, also by acclamation is “mediocre at an above average amount of things.” Jordan was one of the most effectively marketed athletes of his generation, and was instrumental in popularizing the NBA around the world in the 1980s and 1990s. Henry enjoys thinking about the world and is a proud member of his generation. He often has been known to think; “What is this all about?”
After a stand-out career at the University of North Carolina, Jordan joined the NBA's Chicago Bulls in 1984. He quickly emerged as one of the stars of the league, entertaining crowds with his prolific scoring. After having a class chic named after him in grade two, Henry often wore a pair of Chicago Bulls sweat pants and was pretty good at spelling. Jordan’s leaping ability, illustrated by performing slam dunks from the free throw line at Slam Dunk Contests, earned him the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness". By virtue that his name starts with a T, Henry has earned the nicknames “T” and “T-Bone”, he likes to call himself “Big Guy” (endearingly). Jordan also gained a reputation as one of the best defensive players in basketball. In 1991, he won his first NBA championship with the Bulls, and followed that achievement with titles in 1992 and 1993, securing a "three-peat". Henry likes beef patties. Though Jordan abruptly left the NBA at the beginning of the 1993-94 NBA season to pursue a career in baseball, he rejoined the Bulls in 1995 and led them to three additional championships (1996, 1997, and 1998) as well as an NBA-record 72 regular-season wins in the 1995–96 season. Jordan retired for a second time in 1999, but he returned for two more NBA seasons in 2001 as a member of the Washington Wizards. Henry once returned to a high school he had left, but they told him he was in too many different grades at once. They could not accommodate him, he cried on the way home. He’d like to tell ms. Dewich that maybe she ate too many cakes at once.

An Open Letter To Green Plants

2008-08-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

Depending on who you are you may have read this on facebook, but I want it up here in the big show. So deal with it!

Dear green plants,

I am writing to propose a partnership of sorts. As you may have realized yourself, green is making big waves in the scene right now and I was hoping I might get a piece of it. For an exchange of your endorsement (like maybe you can tell girls about me), I am willing to make certain concessions:

a. I will no longer partake in the eating of green vegetables, my diet will consist purely of carrotts, eggplants, radish, red, yellow an orange peppers and meat (you don't care about animals do you?). I also will indulge in fruit from time to time, when my mom makes me.

b. I will water you, when I can remember. I will, just for you, replace the Newfoundland screech in my flask with lemon flavoured cod liver oil, this should boost my memory enough for you not to die. Also, I have been getting at least four percent more responsible each year, so please disregard those dead spider plants from a few years back. I promise I'll clean up their remains one of these days.

c. I will try to get my friends to stop smoking so much pot. In exchange perhaps you could tell your coloured friends to produce some really awesome purple chronic. Then they could "toke" on that "s" instead, and call it purple haze and it would make Bugs Bunny cartoons at least four percent better.

d. I will still pick pretty flowers, as they help me befriend poet types; however, I will not pick the stem. I will instead browse through my large collection of taped Art Attack until I learn how to make a stem out of green construction paper and PVA glue, and maybe some loo roll. Hopefully this use of your image will not offend you.

e. For eating trees, all giraffes will be beheaded. A very long guillotine is in production.

Please get back to me as soon as possible as I feel my popularity is wavering each day this union is not realized.

Yours truly,

Tom Henry

An Excerpt

2008-08-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from my upcoming British psychadelic novel entitled; "Pining In The Sand". It's not being published here, the powers that be thought you wouldn't be able to understand the "Britishisms". If you think it's stupid that's because it is.

-“How ‘bout we boycott boycotts”, said the cleverest boy . “But if we boycott boycotts we can’t boycott boycotts; thus boycotting boycotting boycotts”, said the dumbest boy. The problem lay in what was clearly a very large and ostentatious gap in the two intelligences of the two boys. Then, they both committed suicide, intellectual suicide, and began to float to one place, which at one point was another place, as was the nature of all places. Once there, among the clouds, palm trees and fertile, yet fake growths of things such as grass, they sipped virgin mai tais and regaled one another with most or any thoughts they could remember. They mustered many thoughts, though cloudy, one of which not being the previously remarkable gap in grand intellect, and so bliss was in reach. For once, out of their school uniforms Penny and Bright were just two boys enjoying a cocktail and chatting like English boys should.
“T’was a great number of boys in school last year wasn’t it Penny?”, said Bright. “Well mate, I’ve got to level with you, that’s one thing I certainly can’t remember” “Just as well” said Bright, “Bunch of gits anyway, weren’t they?” “Well, I’m really not sure.” Said Penny. “Just as well, Penny.” And so they sat among the birds and the brush and watched musicals without the sound on, after all they didn’t need it anymore. After a great deal of crackers and the finest graskaas, the boys settled for a nap. Bright lay in the shade of the great palm tree whilst Penny sleep atop the giant plastic leaves. Both were equipped with blankets, yet neither used them as the temperature was as still as Penny whom never moved even one inch while partaking in his regular afternoon naps. At night however, he flailed furiously. Bright knew why this was, but never was willing to say, as was his reputation.

- Pining In The Sand, British Accent Publishing, 2008

Colours & Q-Tips

2008-08-25T21:54:00.001-07:00

The contents of this rectangle will move and become a short video I made.

The Story Of My Death

2008-08-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

I once went to school with a guy and a girl who called everything brutal. One day they called biology class brutal, and I said to myself; you know what would be brutal for you? Mirror class. Subsequently, I dropped out of high school.

In high school, I never was popular or unpopular, I just was quiet. I wish now that everyone could have heard gems like mirror class, I probably would have been voted most best and non-brutal. In grade seven, the girls would vote for the cutest boys in class, then announce their findings when the teacher left the classroom. I finished second and third a couple of times. This has become a recurring theme in my life, as I have chosen to align myself only with people who are better than me in an attempt to steal all their best moves. My plan is to become the Wes Anderson of humans, taking all the best shots from all the best movies to create something that a lot of assholes will try to dress like. Remember when everyone bought red toques after The Life Aquatic? I was gonna get one, but I couldn't find the right shade of shit head. My ultimate plan will be to befriend Jack Nicholson, so I can still look really cool when my hairline recedes.

Once I am an eclectic mess of other people's most endearing traits, I will partake in credit card fraud and live in Edinburgh under the alias Powder Williams. I will rise to fame as a dj and travel Eastern Europe playing electronic remixes of Anne Murray songs. All will come to a halt when I am gunned down in Zagreb for publicly humiliating the Croatian national handball team. Ivano Balic* will condemn the assasination and perform an acapella version of Float On at my funeral, but it will be too late, the children will cry.

*Ivano Balic is arguably the greatest handball player in the world, hailing from Croatia.

Source: an encyclopedia which may or my not be Wikipedia.